I'm little too.

Kamryn and I were driving to the rink this morning. Her hockey team managed to lose the last two games of their tournament. Because of that we were reliant on another team beating the team we were tied in last place with for us to advance in the tournament (They tied. We hung up our skates for the week). So we were returning to the rink after taking a cranky Daniel home (don't know who pissed in his cornflakes this morning but I wasn't into coddling a sulking 47 year old!)

Anyway, Kamryn says to me: "So are we going back to the rink to watch the little kids play?"

I laughed and said the kids weren't little, they were the same size she was.

She responds, "I know, I'm little too."

So true. She melted my heart.

Bothered

Okay this shouldn't bother me but it does... terribly. A parcel from Sam's grandmother arrived in the mail last week full of Christmas presents. There were four or five wrapped presents inside. One for Daniel and I and the rest for Sam. Nothing for Kamryn. Sam's grandmother knows Kamryn; and has just as much contact with her as she does with Sam. Sure she has no investment in her but... really? She's a seven year old girl for crisssakes. Kamryn is always excited when Nana calls (and Nana has no interest in talking with her). When she saw all the packages she was equally excited. I subtely kept her away and she has no ida that none are for her but I felt so bad for her. Would it have been that much of a stretch to throw something small in for her?

Daniel and I certainly don't need another box of chocolates (her standard Christmas gift for us) so she could have used that money. Why send something for us and ignore Kamryn?

Okay - now Kamryn's birthparents won't send anything for Sam and that doesn't bother me as much. Our relationship is much more arm's length. They don't really know Sam. Kamryn's birthdad has met him once. Oh and they aren't sending boxes and boxes of presents either. They send one gift and normally a gift card for restaurant that we use as a family.

Maybe it bothers me because traditionally Sam's grandmother has included something small for Kamryn and this time there was nothing (I don't think its an oversight; more the culmination of a trend I've been noticing). She always sends a card for Sam as well that ignores Kamryn. Maybe it bother me because Kamryn asks for very little and Sam is very "all about me","what have you given me lately", "what are you giving me next" (drives me a little batty and I don't know how to discourage this sense of entitlement he has.)

I just don't get how you can send anything for one child in a family and completely ignore the other one. I'm annoyed. I don't want to be annoyed over Christmas.

So Tired

We're at the end (I hope) of the busiest period I have experienced at work in 14 years. I've done 40 hours of overtime in the last 10 days. I've worked weekends and nights. Last night I left the office just shy of midnight. I can no longer put coherent thought together.

There is a parlimentary scandal afoot and my Minister is right in the middle of it. The workload would kill a donkey. One more day - parliament breaks for Christmas on Friday.

Our house remains sadly undecorated for Christmas and somewhat messy. Daniel is preparing for exams and not much help although he has had to step it up because I just wasn't there. Not a bad lesson for him as I was feeling a little (scratch that) A LOT like a single parent. Yesterday he took the day off school because we had a snow storm and the kids had to be driven to and from school and I had too much work to leave to collect them (as I had planned to do). He managed to get the tree assembled (not decorated mind you just assembled). Maybe this weekend I will have time to clean and decorate.

Oh and I have a cold. Go figure.

Uncle!

On a more family oriented note...

Sam was not in my good graces this weekend. I was so disappointed in him. The kids Halloween candy has been sitting in a bag in the corner of the kitchen since Halloween. I have not been stingy with it and was actually starting to question my parenting in letting them gorge themselves on candy ad infinitum. But I figured what the heck they are only young once. The rule has ALWAYS been that they ask before they take and no, my answer wasn't always "go ahead."

Friday while preparing dinner (back to the candy) I heard a distinct rustle of candy wrapper and turned just to see Sam hightailing it down the hall as quick as his little feet would carry him. I called him back and demanded to know what was in his hand.

"Nothing," he countered.

So I asked again. On the third try my little candy pilferer revealed the bag of nibs hidden behind his back. He got a time-out - for lying. For taking the candy (which was community property!!) without asking I told him that the remaining candy was now ceded to Kamryn. I gathered it up at this point and put it where only the Mom can get at it. There was much crying and carrying on and begging for forgiveness (always is with Sam). I was mad but thought the incident was done with until bedtime when Kamryn informed me there was "something orange all over the light switch in the bathroom." Sam is a really cute kid. A master criminal - not so much. The orange stuff was quite obvious to me Doritos dust (he LOVES Doritos). He was already in bed. I went in and asked him if he'd had any other candy without asking. He swore to me up and down that he had not. I warned him that if he lied to me again the would not get to attend the birthday party he was invited to the next day. He was very earnest and believable. I didn't believe him ... quite. It also crossed my mind that he might be innocent and I felt a little guilty as I really laid into him. I looked in the trash in his room - did a cursory check and left. Guilt over accusing my innocent little moppet growing ever stronger. Then I went into the bathroom to clean up the orange dust.

Cue dramatic music...

There was a washcloth on the counter just covered in orange chip yuck (I do not share Sam's love of Doritos).

Hmmmm....

When I went to toss the paper towel I had grabbed to wipe down the wall I noticed a carefully arranged kleenex covering the top of the trash. Now my kids can barely get a kleenex in the trash on the best of days. This one was laid out as if the trash was cold and needed to be tucked in. I lifted the kleenex and the trash was FULL of empty candy wrappers. Oh rockets went off! I was soooooo very mad and so very disappointed in him.

Yes, he lost the party. I felt it was a harsh punishment (at times, at times not so much) but I had already promised it (note to self: must refine interviewing techniques) and I didn't feel that I should go back on my promise. And he got to spend a delightful Saturday with me at all times. He was either holding my hand or holding on to my clothing if my hands were busy. If I was working in the kitchen he was sitting in the corner watching. He learned (I hope) that if I can't trust him he will have no freedom whatsoever. We went out for dinner as a family and he sat and watched the three of us eat the complimentary chips before dinner. He had none. He lost TV for the weekend. On Sunday we visited the little boy who's party he had missed to deliver the birthday present and apologize. He pranced out of party-boy's house delighted to have received a grab bag - and was shocked and horribly upset when I grabbed it. We dropped him off with his grandparents for the evening (so I could get to my interview nice and early this morning) and he thought he would get sympathy there. Oh did he misread his grandparents. Not a pleasant weekend for any of us.

I so hope he learned something from all this. Sadly, I'm thinking not.

The big comment EVERY ONE makes about Sam is his inability to accept responsibility for his actions. He just doesn't get it. It's always someone else's fault. Someone always hates him (I took his grab bag because I don't like him anymore - not because he was being punished for lying and stealing). It's never fair. Sigh.

I am a little worried.

So that didn't go particularly well...

Had my interview this morning. It was a stressful experience. I bombed at least one question big-time. I just didn't have the information at hand to readily answer the question. I knew before the interview that I was in trouble.

I arrived, as requested, an hour early and was given the 6 questions that I needed to answer. I then had 45 minutes (and 6 blank sheets of paper on which to take notes) with whatever material I had brought with me to answer the questions. The key point being whatever material I had brought with me. I can't get into details about the question(s) I couldn't handle because the competition is on-going but I just didn't have what I needed to compose a reasonable answer(s).

Mercifully, the hour went quickly and it's over and I won't have to do it again for another two years or so. Regrettably, there will likely be no raise for me. Ah well. Next time.

I'm not particularly sad about (although I thank everyone for their good wishes) it but that might be because my sub-conscious is still holding out a glimmer of hope. I won't know officially for some weeks but my gut says no-go.

Too Much Stuff

So the kids wear uniforms to school. As a boy, Sam's wardrobe in that respect is pretty simple. Kamryn's though - makes my eyes roll. The girls have such options - dresses, skits, skorts, shorts, pants, blouses, t-shirts, golf shirts, long-sleeved, short sleeved, fitted, not fitted. Ugh!

Anyway, we order new uniforms for the fall in the spring. Kamryn grew MUCH more slowly than I anticipated over the summer (much slower than her doctor was pleased with as well something that continues to be a battle - the kid doesn't eat!) and the benefit was that all of her things from last year fit just fine so I took most of the new things that I had bought in the spring and placed them at the back of her drawer because she didn't need them. I promptly forget all about their existence.

Last week, I looked at the shirt she was wearing (a long-sleeved golf shirt) and thought that's looking really small. She most definitely needs a new one. Never thought for a moment about the things I'd put away. There is a uniform sale on the 23rd. Yesterday I checked out the uniform suppliers website - dismayed to discover that the new shirts she needs are $25 a pop. Ugh! I thought and prepared to pull out the credit card. Then last night when putting away her laundry I saw these shiney bags at the back of her drawer... Yup three brand-new golf shirts.

Too much stuff!

I need to write something happy.

Kamryn served her first penalty as a bona fide hockey player on Saturday. Why is that happy you might ask. Well, first off, it was because it was so darn cute - she was so innocent and confused. Secondly, because she didn't do anything wrong.

At the adult level it was nasty and a little infuriating. The egos of men ... sigh. What happened was our coach called for a line change. He's really bad at timing these and the kids are really bad at executing them. So all of a sudden we've got 11 players on the ice. All of them moving in slow uncomprehending motion.

The ref says, "you have to many men on the ice; I'm going to have to blow the whistle."

Our assistant coach growls, "well blow it then."

The ref stares him down and blows it. Then he arbitrarily picks a kid - Kamryn - to serve the "2 minute"*** penalty. He knew I was her mother and as he ushered he off the ice he mentioned to me that he just happened to grab her.

The other parents on the team were a little dumbstruck at Kamryn (the least aggressive player on the entire team) - one of them called her "little Kamryn" - in the penalty box.

I had to spend the rest of the day explaining penalties to "little Kamryn"

*** The kids were only serving 30 seconds of their penalties (yes we had other penalties). I don't know if this is a Novice thing or what. One of the parents told me he didn't think they called penalties for Novice C. Apparently they do.

How to Pack up a Life

My mother just called me to ask if she could put my name down as the a contact for my Aunt when the time comes for them to move her to a long-term care facility from the hospital. My parents will likely be away when a bed becomes available and they need a back-up. This morning the hospital social worker shared with my aunt (who is still and will likely always be 99% non-verbal) that she will not be going back to her life. That when and if she leaves the hospital she will not be going to rehab. That her next move is to that long-term care facility I mentioned. The CAT scan of her brain showed a devestating injury. Half her brain is obliterated. The doctors think she can understand when you speak to her but only to a certain level. They think any attempt at rehabilitation would be futile. It was crushing news for my father who held out such hope. I kind of expected it. I think my experiences with Daniel's Dad helped somewhat. I was sad but resigned to things.

This past weekend we began ripping apart her apartment. Literally. It was an awful, depressing and tearful occasion. The only comforting thought was that we weren't also having to make funeral arrangements. That wasn't all that comforting though. To paw through her treasures. To divide up her life. To discuss who wanted what and what should just go in the trash. To throw away her Christmas lights because we know she won't need them ever again. To look at her running shoes lying in a heap in the corner and know she doesn't need them. I held it together - mostly - until I pulled an apron out of a kitchen drawer that was missing one of the apron strings. It was just so Auntie Eula in a way that I can't really explain to anyone.

My other Aunt was there - hovering things like the Cat in the Hat. I was a little embarassed for her. It wasn't clear whether it was an emotional response or simple greed (unfortunately I think the latter). We took very little: a mahogany photo cube filled with pictures of Kamryn that we gave Auntie Eula for Christmas one year, its centerpiece a picture of my Aunt in happier times holding a cerubic Kamryn; a gorgeous crocheted table cloth that I can remember her making when I was a child; an apron (Aunty was all about aprons)... We don't need anything and it felt wrong to fight over Auntie Eula's things. If my other Aunt wanted something I let her take it (my cousin asked her at one point where she thought she was going to put all the stuff she NEEDED to have).

Aunty Eula's jewelry has already gone missing. Sigh. The apartment is a grand mess and I hope the jewelry just been mislaid. We have until the end of December to empty and clean up the apartment. It will take that long. There's a lot to do. No one is very enthusiastic about doing it.

All Snacks. All the Time.

The Canadian Government hired me to be a defence policy development officer. At present they pay me a decent wage to run the speechwriting section for the Department of National Defence. On the side, I'm sell a veritable cornicopia of treats.

Right now, in the lunch room I have an old paper box filled with packaged popcorn - $2 a bag please. I'm raising money for the concert band I play with.

I also have an in-box filled with chocolate bars - roasted almonds enrobed in creamy caramel. Also $2 - raising money for the Sam's hockey team.

However, that wasn't enough. I just sent out an e-mail to my colleagues encouraging them to lay out $10 for fresh chips and salsa that Kamryn's hockey team is selling in cooperation with a local Tex-Mex place.

Just call me the snack pusher. I feel a little like a grocery magnate.

Is it still survivor's guilt if you haven't survived anything?

Well I guess we got our vaccinations just in time. They announced yesterday that they will be closing all clinics at the end of today because of a shortage of vaccine.

I must admit to being a little embarrassed to have been vaccinated. Before getting the vaccine I told everyone that I wasn't getting vaccinated before my children because that was just wrong (yes my logic is flawed; I never said I was being rational). Truth is I didn't feel like I should be getting the vaccine at all.

Despite my entitlement as someone who easily fits within the profile of high risk, I feel guilty. Like I need to justify it to people. Partially it's because I feel pretty healthy, normal, average even. I look healthy, normal, and average. Before going to the clinic yesterday I felt compelled to search out my old medical alert bracelet. I haven't worn it in years. It embarrasses me (silly I know!). I couldn't find it. I just thought I should have proof for when the nurse asked me if I was in a priority group. I couldn't find it.

I can remember a few years back when for some reason there were priority lists for flu shots (can't remember the circumstances) and one of my doctors looking me in the eye and speaking slowly like I was a moron - "you are a high risk patient." Yes, its difficult for me to understand and accept.

Worse I'm a rule follower. Having to listen to them repeat over and over - if you're not high risk you will not get a shot just pushed my incertitude to new heights. Daniel was my beard - see all my husband isn't getting a shot even though he's here in this empty clinic. We aren't a family of cheats and queue jumpers. We're justified. Nor did I lie about Kamryn. The nurse asked if she was high risk (even though in my head I'd worked out how to lie about this with a straight face) I answered "no" without pausing or reflecting. I did want to scream loudly but she's only 7 years old for criss sakes. I didn't. I think I was honest about Kamryn because I was nervous about my own status.

When I had to answer the question about me, I wanted a follow-on - how are you high-risk? Which group do you fit in to? Can we have your doctor's name and phone number so that we may follow-up with them? Please describe your illness in detail. But there were no questions; just a nod. I wished I'd found my medical alert braclet. I wonder what I did with it? I don't even know for sure why I stopped wearing it.

Once again, I need counselling. I'm way too obsessive for any one's good.

Edited to add that I recognize that most people who get H1N1 have relatively minor illnesses. I'm actually not at all sure that I haven't already had it. I just keep thinking of the children around here that have died and it terrifies me. I was scared for my children and I feel so much better that they got the vaccine.

C'mon people; this is ridiculous

All the panic over getting vaccinated. I went tonight with the two kids. They are still only vaccinating "high risk" patients. I'm considered high risk as is Sam. Kamryn is not. I brought her anyway because they claimed they would not turn away school age children (who are it seems considered high risk if I drive 45 minutes away). Daniel came with us but didn't get the vaccine because he isn't high risk and didn't want to take the vaccine from people who needed it.

Last Friday public health released a statement that they thought they were done with all the high risk patients in our area but couldn't release to the general public until they got permission from the provincial government.

Tonight we arrived for our vaccine. There were 5 people in front of us in line. I stalled because I had put numbing cream on the children's arms about a half hour before we got there and it needed to be on for an hour for it to take full effect. The room was PACKED... with public health nurses and security guards. Barely anyone was there to get a shot. Just a bunch of clinic staff (about 40 people) sitting around doing pretty much nothing. Ummm... come on! First there were horrendous lines and awful stories about people waiting 6 hours to get vaccinated and then being turned away and now while there are still millions left who want a vaccine, while vaccine is still available (although speculation is they will run out next week) the clinics sit empty.

I'm beyond incensed.

Sick? Or Maybe not.

Kamryn had a runny nose all weekend. She had hockey practice at 7 am Sunday morning - so an early (6 am) start to the day. Last night right before dinner she came to me all teary-eyed (I suspect Daniel yelled at her over something she shouldn't have been doing) to complain about being tired. I chalked it up to getting up at 6 am to go and play hockey but Mommy - instinct made me take her temperature before putting her to bed at 7:30 pm. 99.5F. Now I don't count that as a fever. If I did Kamryn would never leave the house because she runs a low-grade temp if she skins her knee. Yes, her system is that sensitive.

Still I figured it was the start of something and that there would be no school (or work!) today. This was good because it meant I could conceivably spend the day studying and bad because I'm saving my "family days" (we get 5 a year) to use for when the kids get H1N1 (I don't want to have to use vacation time). Anyway, resigned: I didn't make lunches; I didn't plan my wardrobe; and I didn't prepare the myriad of letters and folders and notes that have to be signed and sent back to school on Monday mornings.

You guessed it. Kamryn flounced into my room happy as a clam this morning. Fully dressed and raring to go. When I went to take her temp (99.1F) she informed me that last night she was "just tired." Her nose is still running like faucet but she insists she feels fine.

So I sent her to school but I've watched the phone all morning for "other developments." It's almost noon though and neither my office phone nor my blackberry which I keep staring at has rung so that's good news.
It's always hard with Kamryn because she NEVER acts sick. With a temperature of 104F she is always "fine." If she complains then I worry terribly because something is very wrong.

As a rule I ignore any temp under 100 F. My doctor tells me I should throw away the thermometer and just treat symptoms. Unless a child is complaining let the fever do its work she counsels. I can't ignore that 100 though. Because invariably its followed by 101, then 102, then 104 and tepid baths with a screaming child in the middle of the night as I desperately try to get a rising temp under control.

Thing is though - is it fair to ignore those non-fever fevers when it comes to deciding whether to send a child to school or not? I don't want to expose other children but really all she has is a cold. She was acting normal, playing fine and I only took her temperature because I'm obsessive. She missed so much school last year (for much more serious illnesses) and it had an effect. I don't want to start that again this year if I can help it. And as you may have picked up - I'm waiting for H1N1. I'm not being flippant. Our city has been identified as a hot spot. Hoardes of children are absent from the childrens school. No vaccine is in sight for our family. I figure a conservative estimate is a week of missed school per kid. I don't want her to miss school for a minor cold if she needs to use that sick time later in the term.

So she's not sick enough to keep home. I still feel a little guilty having sent her.

Sceened In

I've just been invited to interview for the post I wrote about a few weeks back. Normally there is an arduous 3-hour written knowledge exam for these processes. Not this time. They are going straight to interview. Doesn't mean the interview won't cover knowledge though. So I'm studying - hard.

My immediate supervisor is on the board. Even if I don't win the position; I don't want to look like a moron in front of him. He strongly encouraged me to apply.

Interviews begin late next week. I feel ill.

Mortality

When I was little - maybe 6 or 7 - I told my Aunty Eula that I couldn't wait until I was thirteen because when I was thirteen I wouldn't have to listen to her anymore. What a lovely child I was, eh? She liked to tell that story. Or the time my parents were away on vacation and knowing that my aunt liked to have a wee sip of scotch in the evenings after dinner I went down to Dad's liquor cabinet and hid all the bottles. Wouldn't you have liked to adopt me? She liked to tell people that story too.

My aunt lived with my parents from before I can remember (I'm guessing I must have been around 6) until I was about fifteen. It wasn't easy. She's thirteen years older than Dad. She's not particularly fond of my mother. It must have been hard for two opinionated women to share a household AND in many respects a man. My aunt never married and can be a little needy and is bizarrely naive. She didn't live on her own for the first time until she was almost 70.

She'd gotten good at it though. I've been pretty impressed with her independence over the last couple of decades. At 88 she kept her own apartment, swam everyday, went to church every Sunday and was the person my MUCH younger (by more than a decade) and whinier Aunt looked to when SHE needed to be nursed. We're a long lived family. My grandmother passed just shy of her 98th birthday. Her mother saw her 104th. My father and aunts like to tell me how my great-grandmother was climbing coconut trees at 102. Nevertheless, for awhile now I've been reminding myself that Aunty Eula is 88 and that even with a lot of luck we probably didn't have a lot of time left. I look at Kamryn and realize that Aunty Eula won't be at her wedding. Those thoughts made me sad. Still she was healthy and active and it was easy to push sad thoughts from my mind.

On Saturday morning Aunty Eula had a stroke (brought about by a suddenly bad heart discovered a week earlier). Saturday - with the stroke and her heart problems - things looked truly dire. She got to the hospital in time for clot busting drugs to be administered but things got worse before they got better. There was some paralysis and a loss of speech. My mother advised that I visit. Daniel and I sat with her Sunday for about 2 hours. While the paralysis has subsided encouragingly, she still could not speak at all and swallowing was obviously a problem. She was scared and I felt so awful for her.

I keep thinking of all the things she will never do again. I keep thinking about how sudden and unexpected this was. I wonder how much time she has left with us (her heart problems remain unresolved and not a little scarey). My Dad is looking into getting rid of her apartment because she won't go back. He's looking into homes for her. No relative of mine has ever lived in a home - we tend to be healthy until the end and then go fast. This is all very surreal.

The good news is that she is doing very well today. When my parents visited this morning the physiotherapists had her up and sitting in a chair. When my Dad asked when they sat her there she responded clearly: "this morning." A few moments later she was back to nodding "yes and no" so the recovery isn't complete but its progress.

I know to be patient and that she's not going to recover from a stroke overnight but I also know that she is 88 ...

If you can spare a thought or a prayer ...

I've survived the hardest part of Halloween

I managed to make two halloween costumes this year - without having a clue what I was doing. Without being able to sew well enough to save my life. And without any help. The kids are happy with my efforts - which is what was really worrying me (I was so worried about disappointing them). Kamryn's face in the picture says it all (we have SUCH a hard time getting her to smile naturally in pictures and the grin for this picture made the days and days I spent working on this costume so worthwhile).




They're a toothbrush and a bottle of Listerine: the Gingivitis Superheroes. And yes it was all their idea. Kamryn's costume wasn't quite done in this photo - I still had to hem it. It's done now and it survived her piano lesson this morning so I'm relatively confident it will hold out tonight (another fear; the brush part was a bit of a challenge).

Not giving in to the panic.

Today I'm being a good citizen. I'm being reasonable. I'm not panicking (okay I'm panicking a little but telling myself that I'm an idiot at the same time).

I took the morning off work for some health things I needed to take care of. I have an appointment for an ultrasound at 11 am and figured I could get a number of other things done as well. My plan - pop into the pharmacy and pick up a vaccine (not H1N1) that I need. Slip up to my doctor's office - have the nurse administer the vaccine. Drive down the road to the local H1N1 vaccine clinic and get a ticket to bring the kids back later today for their vaccines and then go to my ultrasound.

Playing around in my head the whole time though was the words of the city's public health officer - "we will not turn school age children away from the vaccine clinics BUT we prevail upon the public to let high risk people get their vaccines first." Smart man. People who aren't high risk are most certainly getting vaccinated this week - there has been a mass outbreak of asthma all of a sudden. I feel a little cheated by those folks but I decided this morning not to join them.

My children aren't high risk. Just because I'm panicking doesn't mean we need to/should queue jump. It's hard though. Last night they announced that they will run out of vaccine next week. They've assured us that more is coming but that they had to slow down production in order to produce the non-adjuvanted version of the vaccine (which is good for me because I discovered I'm allergic to the adjuvant added to the standard vaccine (to boost its strength). Still - its nerve wracking to know they are going to run out and just trust that more will be coming. Then there was the trip to my doctor's for the shot I needed this morning. There is a big red sign on the door that reads "stop if you have flu-like symptoms put on a mask immediately on entering" or something to that effect. I opened the door. There was a little girl in a mask sitting RIGHT next to the door. The nurse was on the phone obviously talking down a freaked out parent with a child in the grips of H1N1 (any flu here is considered H1N1 because seasonal flu hasn't hit yet). I took a seat as far away from the girl with the mask as possible. Noticed another sign telling patients that they are no longer doing blood tests in the office because of the high numbers of people with flu-like symptoms (I don't quite understand that but whatever). I casually asked the nurse if they were being overwhelmed and she didn't hesitate in telling me yes - wonderful.

Still, we will wait - none to patiently - until the offer the vaccine to the general public before braving the excessively long lines.

I guess THIS is the winter of my discontent.

H1N1 - Completely Stressed Out

There is a good article in the Globe and Mail this morning about not panicking. It’s timely because I am indeed doing a piss poor job of holding panic at bay. Whenever I think of H1N1 my heart flutters a little, my stomach does an uncomfortable flip-flop, and I blink back the start of tears. I’m scared and I’m trying really hard not to be.

Two children died this week. Two previously healthy children. A ten-year old girl and a thirteen-year old boy. The thirteen year old boy complained of a sore throat on Saturday morning and was dead by Monday afternoon. His parents sought medical attention and were prescribed Tylenol and rest. On Monday he collapsed after a bath. He did not recover. That is not only sad – heartbreakingly sad – but freaks a person out. I look at my essentially healthy kids and I think of Evan’s parents – who set him off to play hockey on Saturday morning oblivious as to what was to come.

Vaccination clinics have begun here. There is enough vaccine, unlike in the US, but the next 7 – 14 days are supposed to be for high-risk patients only. As it is they only have the capacity to vaccinate a certain number of people (4,200 on Monday, 5,300 yesterday) so the line-ups are LONG (1 1/2 - 4 hours) and they are turning people away well before the clinics themselves close. In parts of Eastern Ontario all children under 18 have been determined to be high-risk. Not so here, as (and I guess this is good news) the flu hasn’t hit with the same intensity (although CHEO is reporting a 49 per cent increase in patients over the past week and a 100 percent jump on Monday). I don’t know if I can wait 7 – 14 days (it takes another 7 – 14 days for the vaccine to take effect). Can I live like this for another month? The stress may kill me.

Twenty per cent of schools are reporting higher than average absences (not necessarily attributable to H1N1). I don’t know if that includes my child’s school. I would feel much better if there was a list out there. Or maybe I wouldn’t. They are talking about keeping healthy children away from extra-curricular activities – the boy who died had been playing in a hockey tournament when he fell ill. They are questioning whether children should go trick-or-treating.

We are continuing with our routine. We are changing nothing. But inside – where no one can see – I’m panicking.

The kids have an odd obsession.

The children are obsessed with teenagers. I don’t get it. They talk about teenagers in language and in tones normally reserved for celebrities of some sort. We’ll be driving along and — its like we’re on a safari — one of them will spot a teenager and squeal in delight while pointing it out to the other. They will then describe the teenager in minute detail including whatever activity they may be engaged in.

I took them on a bus ride with me the other day and it was really embarrassing as they counted down the MANY teenagers on the bus. They were enthralled (and LOUD!).

To counter Daniel and I have started pointing out senior citizens. We’re not feeling the rush though.

I think my kids need some sort of therapy.

Justifying my worth

I'm working on a cover letter for a job competition here at work. My confidence level is not high. I applied for the same competition last spring and "screened out" for not meeting the criteria even though I felt I clearly did.

I was mad - oh so mad. Ready to quit mad. Nothing like being told you don't qualify to apply for the job you've been doing for over a year.

These competition are obstensibly open to all (i.e. all Government employees) but the qualifications you need to possess really makes them internal (to about 20 of the 150 civilian employees in my Group). We're a small group. I knew the director who screened me out - very well. I went to see him. I ended up crying in his office. Frustrated tears but tears nonetheless. Wonderful.

That competition went nowhere. I don't know what happened (I'm speculating there were a lot of people like me - but without the tears and the board recognized they had done SOMETHING wrong). So now there is this new competition. Applications are due Thursday. It's a big deal. It wouldn't necessarily mean a job change for me (I've been in an acting role for well over a year now) or even more challenging responsibilities but would mean I would be getting paid for the work I'm doing which would be nice. It would be some recognition of my experience and worth. It's a pretty senior position though and they aren't just going to give it to me because I'm such a nice person.

My supposed error last time was not adequately describing my experience. Oddly the new poster advertising the competition (as opposed to the last one) has a paragraph written in capital letters telling applicants to demonstrate that they meet the criteria for their job in the cover letter which is not to exceed 3 pages. My resumé is only 2 1/2 pages in length. The cover letter is longer which to me is a little bizarre. I haven't worked on my resumé at all but I will have to make sure it matches this insane letter. It's a terribly written letter but it does describe in detail how I meet the criteria.

I'm scared to submit it because I just don't have the heart to go through the mess that was last time all over again.

Hate this.

PS. We're bleeding staff because it is so hard to get promoted within our organization. Isn't that ridiculous and how come I'm still here?

All the boring news that's fit to print

I. Wow do I get a lot of work done at work. I'm sure you're saying isn't that the point ... Thing is it isn't the work I'm getting paid to do. It's a the minutiae family stuff that needs doing. I was away sick last week (just a cold and an unfortunate and embarrassing minor back injury) but boy was I behind. I've been here an hour and a half and I'm just now thinking about blogging (oh I kill myself I'm so funny). I'm just about to turn to "real" work.

Let's see, I've rescheduled the kids eye appointments because I accidentally double booked them on a day Kamryn has a skating development class.

- I've researched quotes for uniforms for the concert band I play with.

- I've searched all over town (via phone) for a tray of water bottles with long spouts (all the sports stores are sold out because everyone wants this type of water bottle - doesn't touch the drinker's mouth - because of H1N1).

- I've ordered name tapes for Sam's Hockey jersey.

- I've arranged to pick up a manual that I need for hockey (for me not the kids) from the Training Coordinator who lives a few blocks from our house.

Okay not all that much or all that exciting - but it took a whack of time.

II. Okay please tell me how both my kids hockey coaches can have the same name - worse their last names both begin "Be..." I'm not with it enough to keep the two teams separate in my head at the best of times and now every time I get an email from the coaches I have no idea what child they are talking about.

III. The team "Kamryn skated with" (Daniel's descriptive phrase) beat the beejeebers out of the other team on Saturday: final score 8 - 3. Kamryn didn't contribute much. Basically skated around on the ice looking dazed (in a very cute way) most of the time. Once she touched the puck... briefly. She had fun though.

I - well I had a great time as the trainer. I stood in the corner of the bench and helped open the door when the kids needed to change lines. I yelled at the referee to postpone play (and was either not heard or ignored) because our goalie had a problem with his pads. And I... ummm... well that was about it.

Oh I learned that in minor hockey they only play three periods - actually I learned that in all hockey they only play three periods (this was when I expressed my surprise to Daniel on the "shortened" game). Yes sports fans the official trainer of the Cumberland Novice Thunder didn't know how many periods were in a hockey game. Goes to show you. :) I did warn them that I hated hockey and knew nothing about it. Okay I didn't mention the hatred part.

Also, on Saturday afternoon I "had to" go out and buy a black ski jacket because the rest of the coaching staff all wear black (team colours are black, gold and white) on the bench and I felt a little obvious in my bright red jacket. During the next game I will blend and that's really more important than knowing how many periods there are isn't it?

IV. The kids want to be a toothbrush and a bottle of Listerine for Halloween. I had feared it would be a grand disaster. I did a mock-up of the toothbrush yesterday and although they will look nothing like the people in the link I posted - it will be all right for a 7 and 5 year old whose non-sewing mother made their costumes. Pray for me. Nothing like obsessing over disappointing your kids.

Okay that's all folks.

A woman's work.

Friday I took the day off. We've had a very busy fall and there has been literally no downtime at work so, ostensibly, you might think I had a nice relaxing and enjoyable day off. You'd be wrong.

It was the kind of day that made me feel capable with a capital C. A good day.

Friday was my father's 75th birthday. I volunteered to host a part for him and his 60 closest friends at my house for Saturday. I took Friday off to prepare. Wow what a day. By 8:30 am it was apparent to me that it was going to be a helluva day so I thought I'd keep a running tally of what I actually did all day. That was kind of fun and allowed me 30 seconds rest ever so often. You wanna see my list? If you don't you're gonna have to stop reading. Sorry.

So...

BTW ever so often I remembered to write down the time but its very haphazard. Sometimes I wrote of what I was about to do rather than had just done and while it got done kind of in the order listed I wasn't perfect so some things are slightly out of order. Still an awesome list (yes, I'm bragging); if rather boring (I didn't do anything amazing; I just did A LOT).

- 8:00 am Up, shower, fight with child#1 re: school attire (how is it that she wears a school uniform and some mornings it is STILL a struggle?)
- made chili for dinner (discovered we had no chili powder)
8:30 Daniel generously made me coffee
- take laundry out of washer and put in dryer
- run the dishwasher
- fold laundry (not the new laundry)
- organize DH's office
- organize kid's toy closet (toy closet and the office had me muttering under my breath about others messes but easier to clean it myself than supervise)
- clean playroom
- made up bed in spare room
10:30 am breakfast! (toast and peanut butter)
- "convinced" Daniel to fix the hinge on the kitchen cupboard that I have been asking him to do for weeks (did this by going into his workshop and getting out a drill to do it myself; I have no idea how to use said drill and Daniel knows this; not passive agressive at all, really *grin*)
- open up dinning room table
- cleaned out walk-in closet in front hallway
12:00 field trip!
- popped into police station for a criminal records check (for hockey)
- dropped Daniel at the mall (he was on the way to school and I saved him a bus ride)
- stop in at Costco to renew membership and order 2 cakes for Saturday.
- Stop at Hallmark for by a birthday card for Dad
- stop at Bulk Barn for stuffing supplies
- stop at Farm Boy for stuffing supplies
- stop at Party Supply Store for decorations and to order balloons
2:30 lunch - Mickey D's
- home notice that the my Parents have visited and dumped off a bunch of supplies in my kitchen
- haul 6 cases of pop to the basement fridge
- finish arranging Dining Room
- sweep up the dead leaves that have fallen off my living room plants
- wash all the towels in the house
= make stuffing for two turkey's
4:30 Pee! Seriously
- toss towels in dryer
- assuming I'm done with laundry convert laundry room which is just off the kitchen into a butler's pantry (this involves placing a board and plastic tablecloth over the washer and dryer so that I can then dump all sorts of stuff on top of them)_
- zip out to pick up the kids from the bas stop (15 minute drive as the bas drops them off at my parent's house)
- gas up car on return journey
- make corn bread to go with chili (oh I got chili powder at Bulk Barn and the chili is now powdered)
- strip sheets off all the beds (doh! laundry!)
- undo butler's pantry
- wash sheets
- dinner with the kids
- unload dishwasher
- fold laundry
- makes kids' beds
- clean 3 bathrooms; by bathroom #2 I'm dragging
- pack away leftovers from dinner
- wash dishes
- sweep kitchen floor
- shake out mats
- 9:00 pm hang garland and happy birthday sign in playroom turned party room
- sweep dining room and front hallway
- locate kids' hockey equipment to prepare for hockey practice at 7:00 Saturday morning
9:55 pm diet coke!
- made bed with Daniel - he did most of the work at this point because I was fried.

Novice C!

Kamryn is officially a Novice C hockey player.

Never thought that would happen.

I'm pretty certain she is the only girl on the team (we only ever came across one other girl during tryouts; although we heard rumors of two others). We'll find out when the team gets together for the first time on Saturday. We were unsure of whether she would be able to play Novice given her level of experience (nil while many of her teammates will have been playing for 2 to 4 years!) so even though C is the most junior level in Novice it’s a coup for her. And she belongs there; there is no doubt whatsoever about her ability. Novice is for kids born in 2001/2002 so she's playing with/competing against kids who in some cases will be 9 in January!

Her two little friends (both boys) from school were red-shirted (not unusual and what we thought Kamryn might be headed for) and are playing with the Initiation Program (normally for 5/6 year olds) because they just couldn't skate well enough to play Novice. So kudos to Kamryn for her hard work and enthusiasm. For being able to skate forwards and backwards in full hockey gear. For being able to stop without completely losing control and ending up on her knees. For being able to take a hit (yes she took a hard one; it was an accident) and shake it off. For being able to stay on her feet and even occasionally take a swipe at the puck. Kudos for being a girl in a sport that is still (big surprise to me) COMPLETELY dominated by boys. Don't let all that women's Olympic hockey team stuff fool you (it fooled me); this isn't soccer where girl's match boys pretty evenly in participation.

I did discover - too late - that there is a girl's association BUT in order to have enough girls to fill out the teams it covers three times the area covered by the boy's association. It is more expensive and would have meant driving all over the world for practices and games. By playing with the boys association Kamryn's practices will be just down the road from our house and her games (as a house league player) shouldn't be too much of a haul. Better still she will be a better hockey player. Next year we will ask her if she wants to switch and play with the girls but I don't think she will mind playing with the boys at all (so far she doesn't). She really isn't that kind of a girl - never has been.

Last weekend we went out and got her pink laces for her hockey skates. It makes it easier to tell which player she is -- since none of the boys have pink laces -- and it makes her happy. She was quite disappointed that no one on her team asked her "if she was a girl or just a boy who liked pink." Just writing that makes my heart hurt a little because she's not here so I can't give her a little proud-mommy hug.

Also, last weekend I took the Trainer Level I class and passed (a blind, deaf monkey with a limp and a semi-functional left hand could have passed which is a little scary. There was so little first aid training it was stunning; they leave that to the Level II class I guess.) so I'm a "qualified" trainer. I have a little yellow cardboard card that I filled out myself to prove it. Oh and I have a little badge too... somewhere. I volunteered to be the back-up trainer for Sam's team because I didn't know what his schedule would be like and Kamryn has piano on Saturday mornings (just to make things interesting) which I'm committed to attending with her. I think I've volunteered to be the primary trainer for Kamryn's team (although I told them I would be most comfortable sharing the job with someone with more (read: any) hockey experience). Kamryn liked the idea of another "girl" on the bench with her. We'll see how this all plays out - no pun intended.

This really has taken over our lives - or at least our weekends. Scary considering Sam isn't even technically a "player;" he's just in the Initiation program. This Saturday, for instance, Kamryn has practice at 7:30 am at a rink not far from our house. She'll come off the ice at 8:20. Sam has a practice starting at 9:00 am at a rink not far from our house but in the opposite direction from the first rink. Luckily there are a few Tim Horton's in between. Because this weekend is Thanksgiving, there is mercifully no game on Sunday but games will start next weekend. We also, as I mentioned, have piano lessons on Saturday mornings AND soccer (for Sam) Saturday afternoons. We didn't plan it this way, this is just the bizarre way things panned out. It’s a lot of "family time" though which is definitely nice.

Kamryn is most excited about getting a team sweater. Figures. lol

They are idiots.

Or think I am.

Yesterday, I bought Kamryn a new dress from the Gap. It was on sale: $27.99. Not bad. I also bought her matching leggings. When we tried the dress on at home we decided we didn’t really need the leggings so I popped into the Gap (which is in the Mall across from my office building – a five minute walk from my desk; a walk I can make without ever going out of doors. This tidbit will be relevant later in my story) to return the leggings and they were having a sale – 25% off anything already on sale. Hmmm… like the dress I bought yesterday. Luckily there was one still in stock. Identical to the one I had already purchased. Identical size. Identical colour. Luckily I had my receipt with me. Could they give me a price adjustment?

Of course not! That would just make too much sense. Their policy is that they can’t sell me the last in stock item in the store and then have me return it. It wouldn’t be fair. To who? Okay.

So I bought the one that was in the store at the discounted price: $22.50.

I went back to my desk, had my lunch, and worked for a bit and then I went BACK to the Gap.

The saleslady says, “You were in earlier weren’t you?” Ummm ya! “Reason for the return?” she asks.

I point out that it’s now 25% cheaper.

“Oh” she says, “did you buy one at the cheaper price earlier?”

"Yes, I did," I tell her.

“Oh, and now you’re returning the one you bought yesterday.”

“Yes, I am,” I replied (hey lied is part of the word replied). Why they couldn’t have just done a price adjustment is beyond me. We wasted, time, money, paper and for the three hours the dress was in my possession it wasn’t available for anyone else to buy. Moronic.

I can understand not giving a price adjustment if the same article isn’t available for purchase but geez Louise to make me buy it, leave with it and come back later?

This isn’t the first time this has happened to me. The last time though I was able to explain to the clerk how stupid their policy was. This morning I just didn’t have the energy to argue.

Nothin like jumping in with both feet

I've signed up to be a Trainer for the kids' hockey teams. I hate hockey. I can't handle being cold but I have also have a problems with belonging to a volunteer organization and not contributing. This could be interesting. Classes start in two weeks - yup to be a trainer you have to train.

Relaxing Weekend

So Friday my employer gave me a surprise project that would necessitate a minimum 10 hours work over the weekend. Yay! Especially last weekend. What a weekend.

Friday at 6 pm Kamryn had a hockey pre-conditioning session.

I raced out of work to get her there on time. (Daniel was in class.) My mother was generous enough to feed both kids an early dinner for me.

We spent an hour at the rink. Kamryn had fun. We get home to a message on the answering machine from Sam’s grandmother that she is coming up for a visit and should be in town around noon on Saturday. Wonderful. Here is was the planned schedule for Saturday:

10:30 -11:30 Kamryn Piano lesson
12:30 – 1:30 Kamryn hockey evaluations
1:00 – 2:00 Sam soccer
4:00 – 5:00 Sam hockey pre-evaluation skate
6:00 dinner guests

Oh and it was cleaning day! Did I mention none of these activities took place even remotely close to one another and that we only have one car. Nothing could go wrong (ha!).

When Daniel got home he had instructions to call Nana and tell her she could come but she wouldn’t see much of Sam. She decided to come on Sunday instead (remember my minimum 10 hour project?).

Got up early on Saturday – pulled together the raw ingredients for supper – chopped veggies etc. Figured we were in good shape.

Daniel got down to cleaning while I took Kamryn to piano. Piano ran late (it’s a group class) – of course. We left early. At 11:45 I dropped Kamryn off at home so she could eat lunch while I ran to the grocery store for some last minute supper supplies. When I got home at 12:10 (remember nothing can go wrong), Daniel is on the phone yelling at the customer service agent from the gas company. Apparently our hot water heater sprung a rather severe leak. They couldn’t send someone out to look at it until Sunday.

I had to get Kamryn to hockey. Sam had to go to soccer. We have one car.

So we left Daniel at home to try to contain the leak and I took both kids to the rink. Daniel was to join us when he could (using pedal power) and then I would take Sam to soccer (he was SOOOOO excited to be going to soccer. He got up and lay out all his soccer clothes including shin pads and shoes). Got Kamryn on the ice on time. Discovered that there is a girls’ hockey league (they were having evaluations on the adjoining rink). I accidentally signed Kamryn up for boys’ hockey. I saw one single solitary girl besides Kamryn among the hundreds of boys I saw this weekend. Oops. She doesn’t care.

Daniel arrived at 1:00 and Sam and I dashed off — late — to soccer practice. Then back at 2:00 ish to pick Daniel and Kamryn up.

Home for 45 minutes. Have lunch. Mmmmm.

Daniel goes back to work to drain the hot water heater. Suit Sam up in his hockey gear so of course now he won’t fit in his car seat. Kamryn wants to come with us so she sits in his car seat and he sits in her booster (he’s big enough for a booster but we prefer him in a car seat; luckily Kamryn at 7 is still small enough for a car seat). Head off like a madwoman towards the rink – the wrong rink. In the complete opposite direction from where we needed to go. I discover this when on arrival at the wrong rink I pull out my blackberry to google local rinks and my appointment reminder indicates my mistake. Wonderful. Flip around and arrive at the new rink with 1 ½ minutes to spare.

Let me tell you this, 5 year olds in hockey gear – hilarious! 7-year olds are much too serious.

Dash home. Run around like a madwoman pulling the house together. Floors got washed. Carpets didn’t get vacuumed. Two out of three bathrooms got cleaned. Stove, neglected.

Start dinner (luckily the menu was REALLY easy – I’m not a complete fool).

Kids both need a bath. No hot water. So we boil giant kettles of water an haul them upstairs. We can only get water in the big roman tub in the master bath. Something with the way the pipes are rooted in the kids bathroom. Bathe both kids – same time in lukewarm water.

Finish dinner.

Guests are late – woohoo!

Guests arrive. We eat. We drink. We put the children to bed and drink some more. Round midnight the guests leave and I collapse exhausted in bed. As much as I like my friends I was looking at the clock forlornly at 9:30 and wishing them gone.

2 am Sam – living in the house without hot water -- wets his bed. Sigh.

Sunday morning, the sound of Church bells wakes me up. They are blessing school bags in church this morning (bizarre! We had nevertheless planned to take the kids). I asked Daniel what time it was – 10! Lol No Church for us.

Remember that 10 hour project; I haven’t started on? Well it had to wait. Kamryn has a poem to present in class on Tuesday. That took precedence. Poem preparation while I ate breakfast. Then I pulled out a stack of reference material and opened up the laptop – in the dining room where I stayed for the remainder or the day (we have an office but I’ve always been a dining room table type of girl.)

I finished after dinner and collapsed into bed to watch old Star Trek episodes in an attempt to be nice to Daniel.

That’s all.

I'm going to pull Kamryn out of school.

And let her grow up ignorant and illiterate. Yes. This will be my plan.

I'm not going to survive second grade. Kamryn has to read for 15 minutes a day - so far that's the only homework she's had. Real homework starts next week. Oh my lord its been a struggle. Total meltdowns on why she has to read and her 5 year old brother does not. Then, when she is reading - if you try to correct her reading - another total meltdown. Heaven help you if you make her sound out a word and she doesn't do it perfectly and you have to have her try again.

Piano practice is the same.

Sobbing uncontrollably about how she isn't good enough; she can't do it; we don't want to help her; that we're not listening to her (implying that she did it right and we missed it); that life is unfair. BIG emphasis on what is fair.

This isn't new behavior - just amplified, by overtiredness, I expect. She goes to bed early enough (8:00 ish; generally earlier) but I can't stop her from staying awake after early morning pees so she's getting up earlier than I would like.

So that's it. We'll hide her in the basement when the truant officers arrive. We'll turn her into the feral girl. It can't be any worse than what we are dealing with now.

In keeping with the "all first day of school" theme...

Today was Sam's first day. The kindergartners go in on a staggered basis (about 6 kids a day) which is why he didn't start two days ago with Kamryn. This morning went well. He's been asking when his turn would be for a week now. Daniel and I met him at the school (he took the bus) but it was so obvious he didn't need us. Although I suspect if we weren't there he wouldn't have gone and found his teacher - content to just run around the school yard.

Here are some pics...

All "first day of school;" all the time.

Spent some time playing with the computer last night.

More First Day of School News

Kamryn's 2nd grade teacher is an adoptive Mom. She has a 5 year old daughter, who was adopted from China. We've never shared with the school the fact that the children are adopted because I can't see how it's relevant (if it becomes relevant we'll bring it up). All of a sudden though I want to rush in and tell Maya's teacher and become her instant best friend. Technically it's still not relevant but I still want to (not that I'm going to but if it comes up casually ... ;))

First day of school and I'm obsessing over someone else's child.

Ugh! Well at least I'm not worried about my own who went off happily. My neighbour's son – let’s call him Max, started at my children's school today. He's been in a private "bilingual" Montessori school for 4 years. He's a very bright, cheerful and vibrant child with some issues/delays related to ADHD. When his mother called me last night and told me she wasn't going to accompany him on his first day because he asked her not to I told her it was a bad idea not to go (in the end maybe it was a good idea – with his mother there, there may have been some tears -- although I sure do think he could have used his mother this morning). Anyway we told her we would look out for him and make sure he got to the right class etc. He's good friends with my Kamryn but they're in different grades (she's in 2nd and he's in 1st; they are 6 months apart in age) and I don't think he realized he couldn't just stay with her all day. When we got to the school it was so obvious how overwhelmed he was.

The school is a French-language school and only French is allowed to be spoken. Poor kid got on the school bus and before it even pulled away I heard the school bus driver explaining to him how he is not allowed to speak English on the bus. Max’s father is francophone but his mother like me is Anglophone (I don't think I've ever heard her speak French.) They speak English at home, as far as I can tell, exclusively.

Daniel and I have spoken French with our kids since they were infants. Daniel ONLY speaks French with them and the kids flip back and forth from one language to the other with relatively accentless ease. I worried so much in the early years that they would have difficulties in school because of language - neither of them do. They correct my awful French quite regularly. They really are francophone kids – I say this because they think in French. I know this because Kamryn translates obviously in her head when speaking English. She will take a French expression and just change it to English and it doesn’t work – but it’s terribly cute and her evil mother doesn’t correct her (“One chance…” = une chance or in English, “isn’t it lucky”; “It makes nothing…”= Ca fait rien or in English (very loose translation), “it doesn’t matter” oh how I love hearing her say things like that).


Most of the kids at their school come from households where the only language ever spoken is French. I don't think I've ever heard Max speak French; certainly not this morning. Whenever I said anything in French to him he looked at me with this blank uncomprehending look on his little face. He’s had as I said 4 years in a bilingual Montessori but that doesn’t hold up against his classmates who’ve been in class morning and afternoon in French for two years now, who play in French on the playground and who go home and speak French with their parents.

It was so hard to leave him with his class – all of whom knew each other and were chattering away and ignoring the new kid who didn’t speak the language with anywhere near the facility needed. I introduced him to his teacher (a wonderful teacher my daughter had last year and who is fully aware of his situation) and told him to stay with her; he followed me away. I brought him back; he followed me again. Finally his teacher took his hand to make him stay with her.

I hate it that his parents have done this to him (its takes discipline to speak two languages in the home but it’s not hard; he didn't have to start school so far behind). I've been worried about him all day. Our neighbours across the street did the exact same thing (only worse because there was no bilingual school first) to their son. At 4 years old they took this English kid and stuck him in an all French jr. Kindergarten. He lasted until December when they HAD to take him out because he was so miserable.

This isn’t necessary. There are good immersion programs around – everywhere here. You don’t have to subject your kids to this misery just because you as a parent don’t want to do the homework. Yes, they will speak better French in a French-language school rather than in immersion but that’s the trade-off you make when you decide that your pre-schooler really doesn’t need to speak French yet.

Daniel and I were at the school last week helping to set up classrooms (the school moved campuses over the holidays – don’t know if I’ve mentioned this already and I’m too lazy to check.) We were mentioning to some teachers that we know well that our neighbours children were transferring from their private Montessori to the school. When we mentioned that they didn’t speak French at home – the expression on their faces said it all.

I knew Max would have some trouble but until this morning I don’t think I ever realized how little French he actually spoke. His sister is only 4 and will have an easier time of it as she’s had the bilingual Montessori and will have some extra time to pick up the language skills before it matters since she’s only in Jr. K. But poor Max has been dumped into the fast moving waters of grade 1 and I don’t know if he can stay afloat. I’ve worried about him all day. I really hope he had a good day.

P.S. Can you tell I'm back to work? I'm going to make a real effort to continue posting regularly. I enjoyed my little spree this summer. Its a nice stress release (not that I was all that stressed while on vacation lol).

Can I brag just a little?

This really is the worst kind of bragging because I personally haven't done anything. Sam has some God (and birthparent!) given talent none of which I've contributed to. I did, though, go through all the uniforms before distribution to make sure he had the best fitting one.

The other night at soccer I was taking pictures of my little soccer star (the one's where the kids are wearing red) and a grandparent commenting on my little photography session asked me if I'd gotten a shot of the goal Sam had just scored. I hadn't but unfortunately I engaged mouth before brain and responded "no, but that's all right; he does that all the time." It was true but I didn't mean to be that flippant and rude. I try to show (and teach Sam) a little humility. It's hard though. ALL the other parents marvel at his skills. People whisper about him on the sidelines - he's that good! He plays like a kid MUCH older than he really is (as evidenced by the fact that last winter at 4 he was moved to the 5/6 indoor soccer class because the coach said if he didn't move him he'd use the other kids as pylons). I know he's only five but I'm excited to see what comes next.

I want to be a dentist with gloves

Edited to add the photo. Obviously this was written before the blessed event. He is VERY proud of himself.

Sam is about to lose his first tooth (if it doesn't come out today it will most definitely come out tomorrow). He's freaked out about it and started to wail (with no warning) jump up an down and exclaim that his tooth was going to fall out. Ummm... that's what it is supposed to do dear. I asked him if it hurt and he said no. So I asked him what he was wailing about. He paused for a moment and then continued to wail and jump up and down. Based on previous Sam experiences I thought it best to walk away.

Kamryn on the other hand is VERY excited. She's giving advice and directing his wiggling efforts and keeps trying to pull the tooth out herself. I think I've asked her three times to keep her hands out of her brother's mouth. She has a declared desire to be a dentist. She has now informed us she wants to be a dentist with gloves because its so yucky. Ummm... keep your hands out of your brother's mouth!

Meanwhile, I'm frantically searching online for a store near here that stocks "tooth fairy books" because in our home on the first visit the tooth fairy leaves a book about herself. With Kamryn I had weeks of warning. Sam has kind of taken me by surprise. I think I've found a good one and will run out and get it when (ironically) I get back from taking Sam to the dentist this afternoon. He has an appointment today because at his last appointment a month ago, he refused to open his mouth. Definitely a boy with oral issues.

I still owe you 13 more things about me.

13. I'm a good cook (not perfect by far and have had some real train wrecks). I like to plan elaborate meals. I'd like to take some real cooking classes one day. Maybe this winter.

14. I love the card game euchre and am really good at it. I miss playing but I don't have a group of friends who are equally enamored of the game. The neighbours around here once chatted about having a little neighbourhood tourney but kids and obligations got in the way. I'm equally maniacal regarding scrabble but have found an online outlet for that obsession. Online euchre doesn't cut it - the social aspect just isn't there.

15. I hate not knowing something - anything. Google was invented for me. Cracks Daniel up.

16. I'm not a physically demonstrative individual. Hugging etc. freaks me out a little and I hate that that is what social conventions (i.e. on reconnecting with good friends) demand. I have no problem being affectionate with my children and my husband but anything beyond that (including extended family) and I'm kind of lost.

17. I'm also terrible at goodbyes. I just feel ackward and socially backward. I much prefer hiding out and pretending that it isn't happening to goodbye lunches, dinners, parties etc. When I was a kid at the end of summer camp I just needed to be somewhere else as everyone had their tearful goodbyes. Again I wonder if I'm somehow abnormal.

18. I have a number of serious allergies (and a ton of more boring ones). I'm reckless about them (within reason). It annoys me a little when people fuss. If I'm not freaking out; others (my husband, my parents, my friends) shouldn't be. I do believe people with allergies need to be responsible for themselves (there was more to this but I deleted it because I started to rant).

19. I consciously go out of my way to admit when I am wrong. I don't think people notice because I don't think I'm wrong very often. ;)

20. I have never really gotten over the infertility thing. I enjoy being a mother to my kids more than anything but I still question my worth as a woman because of infertility.

21. People I can't remember from high school are always finding me. Its a constant embarrassment to have to continually admit (or work hard at faking otherwise) that I have no flipping idea who they are.

22. I often don't have breakfast or lunch not because I'm not hungry but because I cannot for the life of me think of what I want to eat. Today is one of those days.

23. If I could pick any super power it would be the ability to fly. I've always wanted to be able to fly.

24. I really love musicals and fondly remember all that I've seen from my very first (Annie Get Your Gun performed by the local middle school when I was in elementary school) to the last (Spamalot, last winter).

25. Pre-kids Daniel and I had gotten into a nice routine of "hanging-out" with my parents on a regular basis as adults. The dynamic completely changed when the kids got out of the baby-stage (as babies they were just along for the ride and not really participants so no real change) because my parents focus swivelled completely to the grandkids they had waited so long for (my kids will be their only grandchildren). They have no interest in activities that don't include the kids. I miss the pre-kid adult interaction.

I'm bored

Who would have thought I'd had enough of "nothing." I've been sitting reading on the couch for an hour and I don't want to do that anymore. Can you believe that? Pretty much what I did all day yesterday though. Daniel went to help an out-of-town friend's daughter find and apartment for university and I stayed home trapped (read: carless) with the kids. It was a wonderfully hot day and I set a new kiddy pool up for them on the front lawn. I then sat in the cool of the living room and read, did a puzzle, played Sims on my laptop while they had a whale of a time in the water. Today I guess I could do more of the same but I so don't want to. I just don't know where to start.

After 5 weeks of vacation we've done A LOT. The house looks as good and put together as its going to be. I'm sitting in my freshly painted and organized family room right now. We've visited Museums, zoos, parks and libraries. We've ridden bikes and roller bladed. We've swam and we've picnicked.

A bike ride might be nice but its a little warm (oh how wonderful!) for the kids (let the whinning commence!). I guess with adequate water we should just go for it but maybe that's a smarter activity for after dinner when it cools a little. Kamryn wants to have a friend over. I can't emphasize how much I hate watching other people's kids. Despite that I believe we've fufilled our social obligations to her school friends and its their parents turn to watch my kid for a bit. We owe a few neighbours a reciprocal visit but the neighbourhood is pretty quiet today - many friends are away.

I guess, its going to be a quiet day. In a few weeks I'll be begging for this I know. Right now though I want to be busy.

"I want to be a walking noodle!"

Summer has finally arrived. Alleluia! I had given up. It’s been improving SLOWLY but I can’t remember the last time we went a day without rain. Even yesterday, which was pretty perfect was not without an errant sprinkle. It seems though that everything is coming together – temperature, precipitation, sun. And it only took the entire summer to get there. Ah well.

Yesterday we spent a splendid day at Mont Cascades, a water park that is normally about a half hour from home. It took us over an hour to get there due to construction. The kids were impatient. Daniel was grumpy. All of this made me stressed. Before even leaving home I was dreading it – the crowds, the over-excited out-of-control children and the trifecta, the grumpy husband who forgets what its like to be an excited child.

In the end though we all had fun. The weather was perfect. Not too hot that waiting in endless lines was onerous (and there were endless lines!), not too cool that you were cold when wet. Because of the traffic we didn’t get there until noon and all the picnic tables were taken (people dump their things on a picnic table and take off to enjoy the park.) We found a group (sitting in beach chairs NEXT to their table) that was willing to let us use their table to eat lunch – had a quick picnic lunch, stowed our stuff under another “unused” table and then hit the park. The quote of the day had to be Kamryn who declared “I want to be a walking noodle!” She was referencing the long lines of people obscured by the giant inner tubes they were carrying up the mountain. It really did look like the inner tubes were walking up the mountain unassisted.

Kamryn continues to be a daredevil wanting to try anything and everything which means I have to be a daredevil to as I’m not going to allow my 7 year-old to risk her life unaccompanied (and it seems she always asks it be me that goes with her – flattering but still... The same was true at the fair last week. Oh look another ride that you normally wouldn't be able to drag me on blindfolded and gagged. Yippy!) One of the slides shot you down this tube at breakneck speed, on reaching the bottom you spiral around a bowl until you shoot out the bottom. Its completely disorientating and then you literally SHOOT out the bottom (I expected it to be more of a plop) so you end up at the bottom of a 8 foot deep pool. My first thought on hitting the water was “oh my Lord how did Kamryn handle this?!?” (I had sent her first) My second thought was “I’m about to drown” (I’m not the strongest of swimmers). As I struggled to the edge of the pool the bored and unenthused life guard asked if I was all right. Only my pride, only my pride ... Kamryn didn’t want to go again... Alleluia!

Sam was like barely controlled raw electricity all day but – with fun things to do all around – there were no timeouts so I guess a good day there too. It helped that at 2:30 pm a good 700 patrons piled on to the school busses that had delivered them from various day camps and left. The lines contracted considerably. Even Daniel (yes, even the adult) didn’t have any real tantrums – ‘cept for traffic on the way home, which really was AWFUL (in the end though our GPS saved us). Thanks to traffic we got home much later than we expected and there was dinner to be had (take-out) and showers to be taken (wash off the icky park water). When I climbed into bed at 8, I was weary to the bone. And sore! (the park is on a ski hill; much climbing involved).

Right now – I’m washing swimsuits (was too tired to even think about that last night) so I can put the kids back into them for our own private and much less exciting home water park today. After the jets and shoots of Mont Cascades I’m not sure the sprinkler and kiddy pool will cut it today but it’s all I have on offer. ;)

Well they only pick up trash ONCE a year you know.

Today is Garbage Day so last night Daniel put out the garbage.

I came downstairs this morning and found a little pile of roasted salted almonds sitting on the counter in the kitchen - not in a bowl or on a napkin or anything, just sitting on the counter.

Odd, I thought. So I asked Daniel what was up with the almonds. "Oh I put the container in the recycling," he explains. Uh hunh, so he thought it was appropriate ot simply leave the remaining almonds (about 10) just sitting in a pile on the counter?!?

Yes my brow is still wrinkled in confusion over this one.

Three Cheers for Customer Service

So today was a day of contrasts.

FIrst - Sock-gate! The kids need VERY little for school. They wear uniforms and school uniforms were bought back in April (except socks which we don't have to buy through the school - this is important; you'll see in a sec.). Their supply list was short and I took care of that a week ago. Today we just wanted to kill some time so we headed to the mall. I thought perhaps the sock supply from last year needed stocking up a bit. Did you know that navy blue socks are impossible to find in mid-August? Impossible.

Gymboree has a waiting list! The saleslady offered to put me on it and I told her not to bother. It was too incredulous. A waiting list for socks?!? Children's Place was sold out. Gap had a pair or two but I don't like the quality of their dress socks. I guess I should have bought them in April. I think I'll just get some from Land's End (edited to add: guess who is also out of blue socks?).

Speaking of Land's End. I called to have Sam's backpack from last year replaced because the bottom wore out (it had help!). The customer service rep pointed out that if it was dragged the warranty didn't really apply but that she could replace it as a courtesy. Big cheer for a reliable company. She could have fought me on it. I would have folded easily - she had a valid point but the next knapsack I purchased would probably come from LLBean (also a good company) but her attitude (fair - they didn't owe me ANYTHING - but generous) means I will likely come back to Lands End next year and buy Kamryn (who will need a bigger bag than she has now) one of their more high end bags.

Okay, back on track with my day of contrasts. There aren't a lot of places to go in this town to buy kids shoes. If you don't want to hit a big department store - Sears, Walmart, the Bay, Zellars - there are few independent stores that sell children's shoes. Kiddy Kobbler though has been around since I was a child. They tend to be a little more expensive than other options (generally the shoes they stock will run you > $60) but their selection is extensive and their staff are well trained. They give good advice and will just as soon tell you not to buy a pair of shoes as talk you into a pair. This is important for us. Kamryn has "difficult" feet. Sam can get his shoes anywhere but Kamryn really does need expensive shoes.

Get to the point you're saying? This year rather than our normal Columbia sandals Kamryn convinced me to buy her crocs. We got her Mary-Jane style. It took them 6 weeks to completely fall apart. The back-strap broke. Then the buttons that hold them together fell off (and were lost in the grass). I was not impressed. We didn't buy them from Kiddy Kobbler because Crocs are crocs are crocs whereever you buy them but walking by a Kiddy Kobbler (there are several in town but they are independently owned) I mentioned they had fallen apart and asked if they could help. The clerk told me she could replace the buttons but that the back strap wasn't replaceable because Crocs sold the straps seperately. Today we headed to a different Kiddy Kobbler to get the new buttons. The clerk looked at Kamryn's shoes (all I asked for was new buttons) and replaced them with a completely new pair. No questions asked. I'm still a little dumbfounded.

And once again - customer for life! Going back to his store next week to buy > $60 school shoes. I think they too may sell blue socks.

The most boring, short, and depressing post ever.

So I wrote this post about six times. It wasn't short when I started. Basically I just wanted to register my frustration. I have come to the realization I don't have to write a lot to do that. Thus I guess the brilliance of Twitter.

Irresponsiblity and Painting

It's a holiday (nothing to celebrate just a generic holiday in the middle of summer because we deserve one!) The kids are at my parents house (until Friday morning. Woohoo!). I'm in my Pjs -- at noon. I've been out of bed for about an hour. I've only had coffee and yogurt for breakfast because I can't decide what to feed myself.

I've moved the couch two feet forward in our family room to facilitate Daniel and I playing video games (Raving Rabbits) without having to stand up to get closer to the TV. Did I mention in a previous post that we weren't teenagers? LOL

Today is about total irresponsiblity. See I can be fun too. To be honest it's really nice to be able to think only about me for a little while (between work and homelife I've been feeling a little overwhelmed - buy a plane ticket for Fiji without telling anyone overwhelmed -- for the past 8 months or so. If I hadn't had 5 weeks vacation coming I would have taken some stress leave.). Although I also have to admit that I spoke to my parents 3 times this morning (baby steps).

Daniel is completing the levels in Raving Rabbits that I can't so I will blog while he rides a Warthog around a rain filled course.

Tomorrow the fun ends (well slows anyway; there will still be sleeping in and unhealthy meals). We need to buy paint. The family room needs some serious help. When Sam was about 18 months old he took immense pleasure in taking a small hard dinosaur toy and hacking at the wall - destrying the paint AND the plaster. Kamryn thought his actions delightful and cheered him on the whole way - nothing like sibling support. The wall was wrecked before Daniel (I wasn't home) noticed what was happening. It's stayed that way for over 3 years because this was their playroom and we expected (and were not disappointed!) more damage. In April, we gave them a whole new room to wreck and the family room is more of an adult den/media room now.

So three of the four walls in the room are FINE - protected by furniture as they were. The question of the day is: do we stay with the current red and only paint the wall the kids destroyed or do we go with a whole new colour (I'm thinking a light green) which will mean a whole lot of work (covering the red won't be easy - oh and did I mention that we have 14 foot walls in this room). Daniel is concerned that our olive green couches won't match. Truth is I don't care whether our ten-year-old, need-to-be-replaced, ratty-looking-couches match or not. At some point we will have the money to buy nice new brown leather couches and whether the couches match right now or not they look universally terrible. I'm a little tired of the red (the room is open to the kitchen and the contrasting walls in the kitchen are a café au lait colour. My only worry is that the green won't be enough of a contrast. I should ask my brillant interior designer neighbour.

Anyway - new level on Raving Rabbits to conquer, more jevenile activities await me.

Laundry

So its 4 am and I've given up on trying to get back to sleep -- something I have been working on hard since about 1:30 am. Now I'm doing laundry and considering making cookies and of course blogging. I was truly wiped out when I went to sleep at around 11:00 and then I woke up (the first time; it was 12:30 or so) and Daniel was not in bed (when I fell asleep he was watching the news next to me). This is not unusual. He often gets up and out of bed when I pass out and heads downstairs to watch TV, play video games, surf etc. It annoys me but just because I'm tired doesn't mean he needs to be. So at 12:30, trying to be adult and not be an annoying wife, I rolled over and went back to sleep. At 1:30 when I woke again and noticed he wasn't in bed it wasn't as easy to roll over and go back to sleep.

I lay there and thought about how the kids would be up at 8:00 and good kids as they are they would amuse themselves and wait for us to get up for an hour or so... so 9:00 and then they would amuse themselves some more. I have good kids. But after 9:00 there is no way they should be amusing themselves. Its not fair to them for their parents to sleep until noon - we're not teenagers. We have responsibilities.

Its also not fair to me to have to get up with the kids while my husband sleep til noon either. He always does this; if we drag him out of bed he is moody and resentful for the rest of the day. It drives me nuts. And that got me annoyed that he is jobless and apparently not doing much about it (he is going back to school in the fall using magical money that will fall from heaven to pay his tuition. What he is not doing is finding a part-time job to help with expenses.). And then I started thinking that the ceiling in the basement is still lacking a coat of paint. And that I had to nag him to cut the grass this week. And that while the kids are with my parents this week I would like to paint the family room and he's already dragging his feet about that. And well there went sleep for the night. I was just laying in bed being mad.

So then I told him I was mad/annoyed and that it was preventing me from sleeping (this was some sort of therapy for me that I hoped would bring on sleep). It probably would have worked if we could have had an arguement but we've never had an arguement because Daniel doesn't argue. In this case he mumbled a half hearted apology and rolled over and went to sleep. I'm sure you can understand how infuriating it is to have the cause of your insomnia snore contentedly next to you. So I just got more and more angry and more and more awake. May I mention that almost nothing keeps me up at night except being angry with Daniel (infertility heartache was the only other thing - I would get up in the middle of the night to cry - good grief).

So here I am. 4:30 am. Doing laundry.

Let's worry over nothing

I'm so used to reassuring parents worried that their child is in x percentile that percentiles don't mean anything compared to anyone else (that percentiles only matter when compared to your child's own growth). I never expected to have a problem with one of my kids.

We just got back from Kamryn's physical.

You know in hindsight I did notice that something was up but if you're not looking for trouble you don't really see it. It seems to me that while Kamryn was one of the bigger kids when she started school at 4 - her classmates grew and she did not. Seriously she went from the back row to the front in the photos. I thought it was a quirky aside.

Her doctor doesn't think its that quirky. She reassured me that Kamryn is growing just not as fast as she was in the past and this is cause for some concern. Seems Kamryn has dropped from the 67 percentile for weight to the 53! She gained 3 lbs over the year (I thought this was normal - and was stunned to realize its not). Her height is marginally better - only having dropped off the curve by about 8 points (63 to 55).

The doctor isn't panicking - she wants us to make snacks more readily available and to see that Kamryn drinks less milk (so she's not filling up on milk which I'm pretty certain she isn't). We need to go back in 6 months for a height/weight check. She also took blood to check her thyroid. Really, I look at Kamryn and I don't see any real change (duh! that's cause there hasn't been any!) We've always attributed the fact that Sam is rapidly catching up to her size wise to the fact that he's so tall; never thought her own growth could be suspect. She's not a skinny kid (but then again she never has been) nor is she a particularly fluffy one but that's not the point.

I'm just trying not to worry.

25 things about me

I'm bored and there is nothing on TV so I figured I'd make a list that I've been too lazy to do before now. I only go halfway done because I've been very honest and its actually rather hard. I'll finish it another day... maybe.

1. I hate the telephone. I get anxious when I have to call someone. I don’t like answering the phone and avoid it at all costs. I know this is weird.

2. I’m a rule follower – to my detriment. I’m just not a go with the flow kind of gal. People who are not annoy me (I feel like they are somehow cheating me).

3. I really like to play golf. I don’t care in the slightest if I suck. This is good because I do indeed suck.

4. I love thunderstorms – BIG ones. I’m always disappointed when we get a thunderstorm weather warning without the storm. Rain though – sucks.

5. I spend a great deal of time wondering if I’m “good” enough ... at EVERYTHING (and feeling inadequate). Perhaps I should be in therapy.

6. I’m a planner. I love planning activities: doing research making lists, schedules etc.

7. I’m a medical junkie. With a bigger brain I think I would have been a physician. I like to read/learn about diseases and medical conditions. I remember what I read.

8. I hate it when a good book comes to an end. I’m also a rather quick reader no matter how hard I try to slow down to savour a good story. I know it’s not great literature but the end of the Harry Potter series made me sad. I did not feel equally saddened by the end of Twilight. lol I wish Audrey Niffenegger would write another book.

9. Although I love reading with my kids (and will continue to do so... bring on the Hobbit), I’m really looking forward to the day when I can ask the kids to grab a book and sit and read quietly while I do the same. We’re getting there. Slowly.

10. I wish I were a better athlete. I like the endorphins brought about by exercise but I can’t handle the pain you need to endure to experience them. I would really like to be a runner. It’s not going to happen.

11. I don’t know how to make friends. I freak out and hide. I think its all tied to the “good enough” thing. If you want to be friends with me you have to work really hard initially because when you’re not looking I’m secretly panicking that I’m messing things up.

12. I prattle on WAY too much. People probably don’t realize this but I know this (and that its not a desirable character trait). I have tried to change since I was a small child (and used to get regularly punished for it). I’ve given up.