Is it still survivor's guilt if you haven't survived anything?

Well I guess we got our vaccinations just in time. They announced yesterday that they will be closing all clinics at the end of today because of a shortage of vaccine.

I must admit to being a little embarrassed to have been vaccinated. Before getting the vaccine I told everyone that I wasn't getting vaccinated before my children because that was just wrong (yes my logic is flawed; I never said I was being rational). Truth is I didn't feel like I should be getting the vaccine at all.

Despite my entitlement as someone who easily fits within the profile of high risk, I feel guilty. Like I need to justify it to people. Partially it's because I feel pretty healthy, normal, average even. I look healthy, normal, and average. Before going to the clinic yesterday I felt compelled to search out my old medical alert bracelet. I haven't worn it in years. It embarrasses me (silly I know!). I couldn't find it. I just thought I should have proof for when the nurse asked me if I was in a priority group. I couldn't find it.

I can remember a few years back when for some reason there were priority lists for flu shots (can't remember the circumstances) and one of my doctors looking me in the eye and speaking slowly like I was a moron - "you are a high risk patient." Yes, its difficult for me to understand and accept.

Worse I'm a rule follower. Having to listen to them repeat over and over - if you're not high risk you will not get a shot just pushed my incertitude to new heights. Daniel was my beard - see all my husband isn't getting a shot even though he's here in this empty clinic. We aren't a family of cheats and queue jumpers. We're justified. Nor did I lie about Kamryn. The nurse asked if she was high risk (even though in my head I'd worked out how to lie about this with a straight face) I answered "no" without pausing or reflecting. I did want to scream loudly but she's only 7 years old for criss sakes. I didn't. I think I was honest about Kamryn because I was nervous about my own status.

When I had to answer the question about me, I wanted a follow-on - how are you high-risk? Which group do you fit in to? Can we have your doctor's name and phone number so that we may follow-up with them? Please describe your illness in detail. But there were no questions; just a nod. I wished I'd found my medical alert braclet. I wonder what I did with it? I don't even know for sure why I stopped wearing it.

Once again, I need counselling. I'm way too obsessive for any one's good.

Edited to add that I recognize that most people who get H1N1 have relatively minor illnesses. I'm actually not at all sure that I haven't already had it. I just keep thinking of the children around here that have died and it terrifies me. I was scared for my children and I feel so much better that they got the vaccine.