The Pathetic Post in which I let it all hang out.

So this is why I don’t blog more often. I wrote quite a lengthy little diatribe describing how pathetic and friendless I was and why that was. I was almost done when the sound of crying upstairs forced me to stop and go up to see if Claude needed a hand – he did. I got involved in bedtime routine and story reading and by the time I got back to the computer some stupid security update that needed to be installed immediately had run and restarted the damn computer and everything I had written was gone. Grrrrr….

Anyway suffice it to say that I don’t have many friends and that it’s partially but not completely my fault. I’m a difficult friend and it takes some effort. However, in my humble opinion the effort is generally worth it although few bother trying hard enough ever to find out. Anyway, I was at the physiotherapists today and came across an article in a woman’s magazine describing how women end friendships and that we do a horrible job at it. It described the end of my “best friend” friendship almost two years ago to the letter. As if the author had been standing there keeping notes the whole time. She described it as worse than the end of a romance and almost like a death and she was so right. She talked about how women don’t expect friendships to end so we don’t protect our hearts at all so that when it happens we are hurt, shocked and embarassed. She is so right. It’s almost like a death.

You know outwardly I’m so over my friendship with Carolyn. No one except any stranger who stumbles across my blog (lol) would know otherwise. I’ve moved on. I have other friends. Other interests. I’m better without her. That’s not true though.

I still miss our talks about nothing. I miss being silly. I miss being teased endlessly by her and her husband. I miss our kids getting to grow up together. It still makes me teary eyed. I bumped into an old mutual friend the other day and she asked if there was any chance at reconcilliation and I told her I didn’t think so. I don’t think Carolyn would be interested in reconcilling and well after the hurtful things I said I can’t blame her. In my defence – my hurtful things were said in response to her hurtful things. Still it was nasty.

In many respects this parallels a bad break-up (I never ever experienced one of those so I could be wrong). I find myself hoping she is sitting home alone on a Friday night wondering about me and regretting her decisions. Intellectually I know that is unlikely. She is funny and popular and not at a loss for friends. I wasn’t her best friend. I never kidded myself that I was. She was mine though.

I do sit at home, alone, and wish things could have been different. My REAL best friend was killed in a car crash when I was 17. That was such a comfortable relationship. We had been friends since 4th grade and did everything together. Tammy was the most amazingly nice person. She was popular and cool and for some reason she wanted to be friends with me. It took me 10 years to develop another relationship that was anywhere near as close (uneven as it was). Now I’m just kind of wandering about with a lot of partially devloped friendships with no idea of how to make them more than that. Really I’m hopeless. I got part way with one in some desperate attempt to have a close girlfriend and then decided I didn’t LIKE this person. They bored me. They weren’t very smart and their priorities differed from mine. I was pursueing a friendship just to have a friend. So that kind of ended. Ironically I ran into them today – God is playing some weird tricks on my mind today.

I meet so MANY people that I would like to have deeper relationships with but don’t know how to go about developing those without seeming somehow desperate. It really is easier to sit at home alone but that is so pathetic. You know I’m reasonably certain that I will spend New Year’s Eve alone with Daniel. There isn’t a snowballs chance in hell that we will be invited out. We could have a party and people might come but I don’t want to find out. I don’t know how to make myself more likeable. I’ve tried for years to fix the faults I know I have (I’m not completely naïve) but I am who I am and I can only change myself so much.

Okay the original point of this was I read that article and for the first time I understood the why and the how my friendship with Carolyn came to an end and I felt less stupid. Since I don’t have a close friend though there is no one else to talk about this with so I thought I’d blog about it.

This isn’t coherent at all – my first attempt was, it really was. I’m tired though and this is the best my tired mind can manage. Sorry to put you all through this. Geez I’m not even PMSing. I have had a couple of glasses of wine though - probably a bad idea.

Okay – going to watch House.