Deep Thoughts Day One

So I was just wandering through the food court at the mall during my lunch break – toting a steamy cup of what turned out to be awful hot chocolate and carrying over-baked cookies peanut butter cookies – when my eye fell on the tousled, not quite controllable hair of a very young baby.

An surprising thought popped into my unoccupied mind. If – if – if I could snap my fingers and be pregnant right now would I be happy. Not to be pregnant – of course that is still a dream – but to welcome a third little bundle into our “built for 2 little bundles” household. Baby lust – do I still feel it? Ummm… yep you bet your bottom dollar. It’s still there, alive and well. And here I had been congratulating myself enthusiastically because when I went to the doctor with an icky UIT last week and she asked me the date of my last period I couldn’t even hazard a guess. Somewhere beyond two weeks ago. That was as exact as I could get. Ah the days when I would have told her down to the second… Still with the thought of the logistics of it all aside; I would be thrilled to welcome a baby into our home through pregnancy.

Would I be equally thrilled if an adoption fell into our laps. No I would not. How adoption-community unpolitically-correct of me. It has nothing to do with love. Or how wonderful my children are. Or how great our lives are. It has to do with hassle. I can’t handle any more hassle. I don’t want to put up with any more stresses. Adoption can be wonderful but the stresses don’t go away ever. There is always something, maybe not right there in your face but there are so many things floating around in the back of my head, I can’t add any more.

There are birth parent issues big and small. Have I written often enough? Have I provided enough photos? How are they feeling at any given time? Will we ever see so-and-so again … Those are the easy ones.

Did I mention, Sam’s birthmother is due 15 December with a baby she hasn’t mentioned to us. She is planning to parent. Then again she planned to parent Sam as well. Children’s Aid is involved and is helping her supposedly. This time the father is in the picture as well. Who knows what will happen. Contact with her is sporadic – huge bursts of activity followed by weeks of silence. During those quiet times I worry terribly about her.

Then there are kid issues, which I admit are pretty easy to deal with right now. The future though scares me a little. What will they want to know? When? What happens when adoption isn’t something abstract and a little cool like it is right now? Ugh!

Anyway. What it comes down to where that if I were to magically discover I was pregnant – so long a shot its almost impossible any longer to even fantasize about – heck I’ll be 40 in 7 months – drop everything and scramble to buy back all the baby crap we sold in various garage sales over the last two years. But, if I were to get a call tomorrow, I’m sure there are lovely parents out there just waiting for that bundle of joy.