Today is the last day of NaBloPo (or whater its called).

I'm kind of happy which is pretty silly since I didn't HAVE to post everyday. I just felt kind of pressured once I started. See how anal I am? I have no willpower save personal humiliation. Definitely wound to tight. The bad thing about the end of this month is that several of the blogs that I enjoyed reading daily (much more interesting blogs than this one) will also not be posting as much. By its very nature I think having to post eah day dilutes the quality of the posting but I'm a more is better kind of chick.

Anyway, now that I'm back in the habit and now that posting from work is really easy I suspect you will hear more from me. For now... I'm kind of tired and have caught Kamryn's cold so I'm just going to quietly fade in the ether. Cheerio.

We went to see Santa last night.

I told the kids that if they were good at dinner and ate quickly that I had a suprise for them. When I took Kamryn up to comb out her hair she tried to weasle the surprise out of me.

Kamryn: Maman, I'm a pirate now. And you're a pirate too. You and are girl pirates and Papa and Sam are boy pirates. Pirates can keep secrets.

Me: MMMM hmmm

Kamryn: So can you tell me the surprise.

Me: I thought I was a pirate and was keeping a secret.

Kamryn: Not from me, Maman, we're partners.

Me: Oh, I thought Papa was my partner.

Kamryn: (said in an exasperated, how can you be so dense voice) No Maman, the girl pirates are partners and the boy pirates are partners.

Me: Ah, I think I'll keep my secret anyways.

When they got to the mall they were all excited until the prospect of actually sitting on the Jolly Old Elf's knee was proposed. Then they decided they would do it together. I think this scared Santa a little. They are getting big and Santa is real old. I wanted seperate pics anyways and since Santa looked scared I felt justified in manipulating my children to do what I wanted.

The photographer was all giddy over MY camera and asked if he could take some photos of the kids with it for me. I said sure as he explained that it wasn't really allowed. Ummm... yeah I know having been told that if I wanted to take pictures in the past it had to be from off the stage. I wish he'd made his generous offer BEFORE I laid out the $40 for the two picture packages (I would have gone for the cheapest package on offer in the knowledge that I had decent pictures in my own camera).

I don't know what the official pics look like because I still have to pick them up from the mall. Here are the ones that were in my camera. Sam looks VERY nervous (and he was). He warmed up shortly after the photo was taken though and gleefully asked for his Mommy planted suggested present. He was quite annoyed when we left before Santa gave it to him. lol Kamryn also did a good job of asking for her not-so-subliminally Mommy recommended present. I'm thinking it won't be as easy to fool them next year. To be honest these kids don't watch commercial TV - they don't know what they want. I'm jsut helping.

Anyway you really don't want me to blather. Here are the pics:

Posting Freedom

I am posting from within spitting distance of my office. Isn't that cool! Okay maybe not so cool to you but very cool to me. As NaBloPo (or whatever it is called) comes to an end it seems I will not disappear into cyberspace never to be heard from again because I can once again, somewhat conveniently post from work.

Not from my office exactly but I don't have to pack provisions and leave on a half day hike to get it taken care of. I just have to walk down the hall a few metres. Yay Team.

Almost 2 years ago, I suggested to my then boss that we needed access to an open internet connection. He told me it was "impossible and too expensive." God he was lazy. Too lazy to write a three line e-mail asking the higher ups about it. I brought it up again two weeks ago and my current boss thought it was an excellent idea. My director was stunned that we didn't have one.

Now we do.

So if I ever think of anything interesting to say, I will be posting regularly. :)

Cheerio.

I'm a marriage counsellors dream

He or she would make millions off me.

Let me preface this by saying that my house has NO curb appeal. It's boring and bland. No worries about resale though because so are 90% of the houses in this area. They are ALL garage with a house hidden behind it. As I told the real estate agent when I bought the house though, I didn't really care because I wouldn't be looking at the house from the outside... much and I love the inside. Anyway, every year for the past few years we have put a lighted Santa on our Master Bedroom's window (it's right above the garage). It's the one time of the year that I don't completely hate the outside styling of my house. It's not perfect but it's all right. This year when Daniel was putting up the Christmas lights he comes in and says he will put the Santa up in a few days because its getting to cold to work. "Fine, whatever I said - why was he asking my permission." Oh if I could take that back. I'm such a dolt -- NEVER put off something Daniel can do today for tomorrow IF you actually want him to do it.

So the Santa sat in our front Hallway for a few days and then it migrated back to its home in the basement and there it sat for about three weeks. And then it snowed. Surprise, snow in late November, who would have expected that!?!? So now its too dangerous to climb on the roof or set up a ladder in the driveway. Awwwww.... But wait - is this a brief thaw I see? Not quite but close enough. I saw it coming 2 maybe 3 days earlier and commented that it might be an opportunity to get the Santa up (I was very disappointed that it wasn't going up; so were the kids). Daniel was tellingly silent. So Monday it hit 5 C (41 F) and rained a bit. I recommended that Daniel borrow the neighbour's ladder, telling him that neighbour X would be home by about 3 pm. Daniel didn't say a word; I was secretly hoping that he would get my Dad to help him (its a 2 person job; one inside, one out) and get it up in the afternoon once the rain stopped and things had some time to dry up. As I caught sight of our snowless dry roof and dry driveway on the way home yesterday I was only a little disappointed that the Santa wasn't already up. I flew into the house enthusiastically proclaiming that right then would be an excellent time to put it up. Daniel finally replied: "It's not going up," he said. "It's too dark and too icy; I'm not getting on the roof."

All my passive agressive fervour kicked in. Well then I'll put it up myself I proclaimed cheerily (completly false cheeriness - I was trying not to rant as children excitedly buzzed back and forth). I whipped off my skirt and threw on a pair of chords and called the neighbour to borrow the ladder. I zipped to the basement and retrieved Santa, got an extension cord. Wrapped it appropriately in eletrical tape (to forestall electrocution) and placed ye-ole Santa out on the roof (from the window) in preparation for mounting. You need a ladder because once Santa is hung the window can't open so there would be no way back in the house. Then off I went to set up the ladder that my neighbour so kindly hauled over for me. I seperated my shoulder and tore my rotator cuff in September; my right arm is near useless. This wasn't easy. I got the ladder up -- wrong I later discovered -- and climbed up even with the roof. The ladder didn't reach the actual roof itself (was about a foot short) and I was faced with climbing to the top rung and then somehow hauling myself onto the roof. I wasn't at all sure how to do this and once 14 feet of so off the ground was terrified at the prospect. I climbed down. I climbed back up again. I climbed down. I had definitely expected Daniel to cave well before this point. I was pretty determined and by then I kind wanted to do it myself still I couldn't bring myself to actually do it (lucky thing to because the way I had set the ladder up I would have fallen). I went inside to get Daniel to hold the ladder for me (ha!) because I thought that I would be more confident with someone holding the ladder.

He grumbled and told me to get inside he would do it. Victory! Of sorts. I'm shamefully proud of myself and my accomplishment. Ah well. We communicate so well... sigh.

What do you think they'll win first, Nobel Peace Prize or Pullitzer?

So I had this long post (okay is wasn't that long, quite short actually) going on about how difficult it is to post everyday because I just don't have anything profound to say everyday -- or most days for that matter. Then I came home and was greeted by my brilliant children and dumped the post in favour of bragging with abandon.

Today Sam wanted to draw so I figured it was a good as time as any to start teaching him to write his name. His name is seven letters long. It took forever to teach him to spell it. He isn't all that great at recognizing it when its written. I'm not even sure he can consistently identify the first letter -- then again it's hard to know with him because if he's not interested in demonstrating an ability you're sunk. He's never been all that interested in paper and crayon and subsequently has pretty piss poor abilities in that department. Kamryn's real name is 4 letters long - two of which are the SAME letter. Teaching her to write her name was awful (she was a lot younger than Sam is though). Needless to say I didn't go into this with a lot of confidence. I did go in with a commitment to take it slow. REAL slow. He surprised me, both in his enthusiasm and his abilities. He can write the first three letters of his name. It took about 5 minutes to teach him that. He writes them well. In no particular order of course but he CAN write them and it wasn't hard at all. He was so proud of himself. I was proud enough of him for both of us though.

Then there is Kamryn. Each month she is responsible for a show-and-tell presentation on some assigned topic. First month was family, last month was her Halloween costume and this month it's her favorite stuffed animal. They aren't supposed to present the stuffed animal per se. Rather they are to present the animal it represents.

Kamryn has a snow leopard named Sammy that we built at Build-a-Bear last March. It's one of those that has Build-a-Bear donating a teeny-tiny percentage of their millions in profit to the WWF. It's one of her favorite stuffed animals. I thought it would be appropriate for her presentation. She is the last kid to present in her class. We've had all month to prepare. We have done nothing formal but I've been filling her head with useless facts about snow leopards all month. I didn't want to do her homework for her but its not as if she's going to hop on the internet or head for the local library and look up information on snow leopards, whip out her highlighter and get to it. I planned to at least take her to the library but we had a whole month to get to that and my library card expired and I owe fines and to renew my library card I need to pay the fines and I'm lazy and there weren't that many Kindergarten level books on snow leopards as it was. So we didn't go. But I did spend the month quizzing her on various facts about the snow leopard. The presentation is on Thursday.

Today I sent her upstairs to get her snow leopard. When she came bounding into the room I asked her to do her presentation for me. And out came all the silly little facts I'd peppered her with all month. She was coherent. Her presentation was cohesive and logical. It was in her own words (which is good since my french really isn't up to par here lol). It was great! I only had to offer the tiniest recommendations here and there. My daughter is BRILLIANT! I'm so happy for her. We'll drill between now and Thursday so that she is confident but really she's just wonderful. :)

Wasn't that better than a whole post about how I have nothing to say. Maybe tomorrow ... ;)

It's 11 am and it's -10 C (14F) outside with a windchill of -15C (5F). I'm soooooo looking forward to going to tonight's "Parade of Lights" with the kids. Kamryn has been asking me DAILY for about a week when the blasted parade is. Sigh.

An exercise in being unproductive

Last night I went for drinks at a friend’s house. I didn’t want to go but I figured after all my “I have no friends” bellyaching I didn’t have much of a choice. She called as I was getting dinner together for the family to remind me of the invitation she half made a week or two ago. I told her I would try to make it; the whole time trying to think of an excuse why I couldn’t. No wonder I’m friendless; I’m anti-social.

So after dinner I unenthusiastically dragged myself over to her house where she proceeded to get me drunk – I was complicit in this in no way. Lol Really I wasn’t. It’s just every time I put my glass down, my friend — a good host — filled it up. Now I wasn’t rip roaring drunk mind you. I suspect I was the only person who knew I was drunk (and I admit I didn’t even realize it until this morning when I woke up with that distinct hangover feeling).

It was silly though on several levels. One, having too much to drink and having to get up and go to work the next sucks. That said its only a teeny tiny hangover; nothing a few aspirins didn’t make quick work of. Worse was that because I had so much to drink on a night that I needed pain killers to sleep (day 1 of ovulation; God I hate my reproductive system) I didn’t think it was prudent to take them so instead I lay awake clutching my heating pad all night. Today I am just wiped. Luckily (so far) it’s a quiet day at work.

Haven’t done much today except — bizarrely — offer moral support (and a few suggestions) to my boss who is dealing with a sticky situation with a co-worker. More and more I’m morphing into my boss’ deputy which I guess is all right (definitely a plus career wise) but makes me feel a little odd. I guess technically I am senior to the others in the section (and it IS what I wanted) but traditionally “levels” don’t mean very much around here so its not a position I’m used to being in. Worse yet I work with the most pompous of fellows “I got my Phd from Kings you know?” (said in a pseudo english accent) who makes me feel inferior just breatheing. It feels strange being his superior (the others I can deal with lol).

In the end its was an entirely unproductive day – and I skipped off early (only and hour) to go home to my heating pad and decidely whiney children.

I ordered the West Wing on DVD.

It’s one of my all-time favorite TV shows. This evidenced by the fact that I laid out $170.00 to own it. Daniel likes it to which helped justify the purchase.

My all-time favorite show (don’t laugh) is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I never watched Buffy until well after it had ceased production. In fact I scoffed that anyone would waste their time on it. But while on parental leave after adopting Sam, one afternoon I happened to catch ½ an episode probably 4 seasons in and I desperately needed to find out where the story was going AND where it had come from. I didn’t know where I was in the series so I rented season one and just started watching. Best 7 weeks of TV viewing in my life. It is such a fun little show. I miss Buffy terribly. I would buy that series as well and watch it all over again, and again, and again … but Daniel would make fun of me.

West Wing is a little more grown-up. Now that I’m making my living as a speech writer I watch from a different perspective than I did before. I wish things worked here they way they worked there. They all seem to be having lots of fun but not doing all that much work. Still Rob Lowe is a hottie and you can’t argue that. And Martin Sheen has some great dialog – he’s not a hottie lol.

The Canadian dollar thing has made wasting money buying TV shows I’ve already seen quite reasonable. If I were to buy the West Wing from a Canadian store it would run me almost $300 – I just checked Amazon.ca: $299.96. Seriously, that’s just WRONG. Especially since if all you do is change the “.ca” suffix in the address line to “.com” you can get a copy for $161.49! Try it – you too can stare at the screen slack-jawed. For years Canadians have just accepted that things are more expensive here “because of the dollar.” Now the lie is being shown for exactly what it is. Ten years ago the dollar was a ridiculously low .65 cents to the USD but geez it’s been in the high eighties to low nineties for quite a while. In recent weeks, some stores here have made adjustments or pretended to in the meanwhile A LOT of stuff is being bought online and A LOT of gas is being burned by idling vehicles waiting to cross the border.

Anyway this wasn’t meant to be a post that droned on about the dollar. It was intended to help me dream about the imminent arrival of my complete series collection of the West Wing.

I'm dreaming of a white commute ...

So I guess it was appropriate to wait a day to complain about the snow. Yesterday wasn’t really snow. If it had been colder it would have been called a “dusting.” But because the temps were hovering around freezing it was slush that fell from the skies. Yuck. Today we woke up to 8 cm more of slush that fell from the sky with more to come (another 20 is forecasted).

It’s early for our first snow storm (although as snow storms go this is pretty tame). Although as I wrote that sentence I felt the urge to bonk myself on the side of the head. When I was a kid it was rare to have a Halloween without a least a light dusting of snow on the ground so this isn’t all that early. Last year though we had no snow until mid-January. It was a little surreal.

Yesterday I went out and bought a serious winter coat. I’m tired of shivering at the bus stops in the morning waiting for the bleeping bus to come. So I bought a long down-filled coat. Down-filled coats are anything but flattering (unless you’re rail thin) but darn-it I don’t care. They also aren’t all that cheap, which should be a consideration but as I only really need it for about 3 weeks it’s a big outlay. My new coat is hanging in our front closet unused though because it is still pretty warm out.

Kamryn was thrilled with the snow, all excited to wear her “real” snowpants to school this morning (yesterday she wore rain pants). I do remember these days from when I was a kid. The first snowfall of the year is normally a lot of fun because its almost always wet snow. The perfect kind for snowballs and forts and fun. When its –40 out the snow is too dry to do anything with and kind of sucks. She’ll have a great day at school today.

This year should be a good year for the kids winter wise. They are old enough for me to send them out into the backyard to play for endless hours without me having to be outside to – freezing my buns off. With a little help from Daniel and I, I expect our deck stairs could become a pretty good slalom run. It’s just a matter of mounding some snow for them.

The first winter we lived in the house – so that would be 2000 – 2001 – it snowed so much and melted so little that by January/February you couldn’t see the first floor of the house from the street. Shoveling the driveway was a challenge because there was no where to pile the snow. I actually missed work twice because I could get out of our street. This was a combination of some big storms and a new subdivision where snow clearance wasn’t a priority. We haven’t even come close to that since. That’s a little depression. I’ve never quite outgrown the joy of a snow day and even then our kids get gipped and don’t get those very often. Maybe one a year. Work wise they occasionally encourage us to go home “early” (around 3 pm) if a storm hits midday and the roads look to be getting bad but that’s also pretty rare. The only time in my career (12 years) that we’ve actually shut down was the 1998 ice storm. That wasn’t a safety thing but a power thing I think. They were trying to keep power levels down since the grid was so stressed by down wires etc. I was happy to stay home.

I hope we get some huge snow storms this year. I like a good storm – when I don’t have anywhere to go.

How to make a normally cheerful person grumpy.

I had an extremely frustrating day today. Pull out your hair frustrating. Scream from the rafters frustrating. Quit you job frustrating. Well maybe not quite that frustrating.

So anyone who follows this blog knows that I was on about a long speech I have to write. It's to be given on Saturday. Now really it doesn't take THAT long to write a 20 minute speech. Took me about 10 hours of real work. But a good portion of that was on the weekend. It was on the weekend because while I was assigned the speech late Thursday and it wasn't really due to the client for a week (I suspect they will be screaming for it tomorrow) we have a lengthy and detailed vetting and approval process.

Here's how it goes. I write a brilliant and scintillating speech (once this one is posted on the web I might link to it for anyone who is interested). Then its reviewed by my immediate superior - who makes some suggestions. I fix it. Then I send it out to a number of people (this time it was five but they also send it out to even more people) obstensibly for them to check it for consistency and accuracy (although its rare that they fail to comment on style as well - ugh!). I fix it. Then I send it to up the approvals chain - my Director, my Director General, the Assistant Deputy Minister, the Deputy Minister and the Chief of Defence. For a speech on the topic I'm writing on I also have to send it over to other government departments (two!)for their approval. After all those people -- I think we're at 13 -- have signed off (and sometimes it goes back and forth a few times) then and only then can I deliver a finished product. Oh I forgot, I have to get portions of it translated as well; that can take at least half a day. Once I deliver it, the Prime Minister's office takes a peek as well and it generally comes binging back from them with suggested changes (and political additions because we only write apolitical speeches) as well. So that's why it takes soooooo long to write something that really only takes about 10 hours to produce.

I worked the weekend so that on Monday morning I would have a finished product that I could get approved my my immediate superior and get off to vetters first thing. My hope was that I'd get it back from them before end of day yesterday and start the long approval process today. That was my hope. Ha! I spent ALL day today waiting for one of my vetters to provide some crucial information on something another vetter felt strongly about. All friggin' day. The were orginially asked to provide their comments by close of business on Monday. I sent e-mails, I called. I was nice. I was nasty. And finally, at around 4 pm, I gave up. I made the changes suggested by those who had done their jobs yesterday and started approvals. You know those I was waiting on spent more time passing the buck than in getting me the small amount of info I asked for. Worse I'm almost positive it will land on my desk tomorrow or Thursday when its either too late to make a difference or just late enough to have me running around like a decapitated chicken for hours.

Today was SUCH a collossal waste of time; during a process where there is no time to waste.

I'm just so mad.

I was going to write about snow.

It snowed today for the first time (we've had flurries for a few weeks but today there is real snow on the ground). It was icky and wet and yucky. It was not a joyful occurence. Maybe I'll write about it tomorrow. Tonight, I just had to blow off some steam. Thanks for indulging me.

Stupid gits (no not you guys ;)).

The post that I wrote yesterday and forgot to put up; for true. :)

In a couple of months I will have to register Sam for school in the fall of 2008. Sam. Little Sam who on his best days bounces off the walls – with enthusiasm! He’s so little. I don’t remember Kamryn being this little. I remember being so ready to send her off to school. I was so excited. She was so ready. I obsessed over it for months.

I’m not as ready to send Sam. Did I mention how very little he is? He has little hands and a little body and a wee, wee, wee attention span. There isn’t anything wrong with him. He’s a normal 3 ½ year old boy but I’m glad I’m not his teacher.

Its funny me looking at him as little because I know he was short-changed. For the longest while it was hard for my brain to get around that he was little (he was just older somehow when we brought him home; our little unhappy man) and now my brain has once again been thrown for a loop.

School will be good for him. If anything, it should calm him down some. He does well at preschool. Whenever I go to pick him up he is engaged and calm (not so much afterwards!). It’s going to be a long day for him though. Preschool is all of 2 ½ hours. Starting in September, the bus will pick him up at 8:45 am and drop him off at home or his grandparents house at around 4:15. Gonna wipe him out completely.

I hope he likes it. I know the two kids will be thrilled to be going to school together. Kamryn will be happy to play the big sister role and Sam will be happy to be a “big kid.” Did I mention how little he is?

The one written by Kamryn's teacher

Kamryn attends a Montessori-type school. Each week she brings home a little duo-tang which indicates what activities (Reading, writing, or math) she did each day and a little blurb from the teacher about how she is doing. Here are all the blurbs from each week minus last week, which she missed due to illness:

Belle première semaine!

[Good first week!]

Super Kamryn! Tu travailles fort!

[Super Kamryn! You work hard!]

Excellent travail! Bravo!

[Excellent work! Bravo!]

Une courte semaine! Bravo pour tous tes efforts!

[A short week! (She was sick one day and it was a short week because of Thanksgiving) Congratulations for all your efforts!]

Kamryn semble apprécier les activités de travail individual!

[Kamryn seems to appreciate the activities of individual work!]

Tu travailles avec application! Bravo!

[You apply yourself! Bravo!]

Kamryn travaille en silence! :)

[Kamryn works in silence! :)]

Tu es trés concentré et fais du bon travail!

[You are very focused and do a good job!]

I'm very proud of her. All last year she only had one "needs improvement" comment ever (her teacher had suggested she not let herself get distracted by others too easily).

You know she isn't a "genius kid" but she works hard and enjoys school and that's all that really matters to me. Okay I'm also happy that she doesn't struggle academically because that can just be heartbreaking.

I'm looking forward to her report card in a couple of weeks so I can revell in her goodness. Is that bad?

Two completely unrelated thoughts.

First, I'm raising Eddie Haskel. Yup, the one from Leave it to Beaver. Actually he's probably a cross between Eddie Haskel and the actual Beaver. Although I guess Eddie got into his fair share of trouble as well. Sam is the most complimentary kid you'd ever want to meet. He'd charm you to pieces if you didn't know he was as sincere as a three dollar bill. He can sit at the table with a grimace on his face like he's being made to eat glass and rave about how good supper is. He will begin his day by complimenting me on everything from my hair to the cut of my underwear. My only problem is figuring out just what he wants when he starts laying it on thick. Women will be in trouble once he's older. lol

Second, Okay today while driving Kamryn to piano lessons - completely rushed and scatterbrained I heard a song on the radio: A Little Good News by Anne Murray (It's #14; if you want to hear it.) It's COMPLETELY sucky. I had me holding back tears (it was the line about kids playing in the hills of Gaza but it just got worse from there). Is this what its like to be pregnant? First there was the hold friendless breakdown earlier this week and now stupid songs on the radio are making me cry? My hormones are completely whacked. Maybe its peri-menopause. Maybe I'm just whacked.

Pride Cometh Before the Fall

Ugh! So after all my cockiness about having nothing to do I have a HUGE speech to write for a HUGE event – only 200 people but the national media will be there and will be listening so the audience gets a bit bigger.

The last speech I wrote of this magnitude took a good month to pull together. It was fun to write, incredibly well received, and allowed me to hang a gold star above my little cubicle (completely figuratively of course).

Now I know how one-hit wonders feel. I don’t know if there is any of that left in me. I used all my ideas. I have less than a week to write it (couple of days actually since I need to have something off to my vetters by Monday) and while I don’t really have to do any research because all the old stuff is still in my head – it is through research that I find my “hook.” I don’t have a hook. I’m panicking and procrastinating. This isn’t good.

Daniel is at home with the kids. He’s taking them to see Bee Movie this afternoon with half of Kamryn’s kindergarten class – a suggestion of an enterprising stay-at-home mom (today is a professional development day and school is closed). And here I sit writing about Afghanistan and what a wonderful mission it is – blech!

Update: Poor Daniel didn’t take our horribly behaved children to the movies because they were behaving horribly. He had a miserable day with hyper non-listening kids. Writer’s block is preferable even if it means dragging work home on the weekend. Lol.

I almost forgot to post this.

So my boss (actually my boss three times removed; so technically my boss’s boss’s boss) had a heart attack yesterday. At work. Paramedics and all that stuff followed by open heart surgery. He isn’t 50 yet. Heck I’d be surprised if he was much older than 45.

Today has people going to the gym and buying red wine and talking about reduced stress loads etc. etc.

It has me thinking about getting some more exercise (but not too stringently wouldn’t want to tire myself by thinking too hard lol). Sigh. I’ve morphed into a real couch potato lately and haven’t been enjoying it. I keep thinking I should start to train for my vacation at the end of January. For two reasons: one because I look AWFUL in pictures and there will most likely be a lot of pictures; two walking kilometers and kilometers every day is going to kill me.

I haven’t exercised much at all since coming down with plantar fascitis (kind of a tendonitis of the tendon that runs along the bottom of your foot) last winter. Really easy to make an excuse around that one. And it takes so darn long to heal it is quite a self sustaining excuse. Lame, lame, lame. (oh lookie a pun; I kill me. lol)

Tonight, I pledge to walk five kilometers on ye olde treadmill.

Right now I’m going to go an walk around the mall a bit and try not to spend money. At the very least it will get me away from my office and technically break up a stressful day in which I have done NOTHING. Yup all I have done today is surf because there is nothing for me to write (shhhh that last happened… I can’t remember when that last happened.)

P.S. Today I can pay off my vacation. Today the dollar is at its lowest in almost month. :(
P.P.S. Ten minutes after I wrote this – emergency 20 minute speech needed. way. Too funny in a masochistic way.

The post where life isn't all that bad.

Okay so in the bright light of day my life isn’t THAT pathetic. Isn’t it weird how moods wash over you? No I haven’t become cheerleader popular overnight. But I never have been and its never bothered me all that much before. I have a husband who loves me. Wonderful kids. A job I really enjoy. Colleagues that make it fun to come to work each day. I have a good group of friends, even though they aren’t bosom buddies, and I suspect that there would be people who would attend my funeral and be sad if I died tomorrow (okay that’s just morbid lol).


I was just having a down hour. I can’t even say it was a down day because the day itself was pretty good.


On to bigger and better things. Sam has figured out how to spell his name. Now he won’t stop. Careful what you wish for. He has, as I have alluded to a weird learning style. Its going to drive me nuts. It was that way when he was learning (or in his case not learning) to talk. We were worried enough to have him tested because he just wasn’t progressing and then overnight he turned into an orator. Last winter I spent the weekend in front of the computer learning about colour blindness because no matter what he could not identify his colours. By the next weekend he had them down cold. Now his name. In learning he is completely clueless about something – totally – and then he just knows. There is no gradualness to anything. No gentle learning process. There is complete confusion and then total mastery. He is very proud of being able to spell his name by the way. I’m dreading teaching him to write it. Oh why oh why didn’t I really name him Sam. ;)


Daniel is taking an oddly healthy Kamryn to the doctors this morning. She is perky and happy and bouncing about and running a fever of about 100 that spikes to 102/103 every evening around dinner and last night resulted in crying over an intense headache. It’s been five days. She needs to see a doctor. I suspect she just has a virus but someday it would be nice if she could go back to school. I hope its not, as I initially suspected but later discounted, Strep. Then I will feel horribly guilty for letting my poor kid go 5 days with untreated strep but she hasn’t acted particularly sick and I didn’t want to waste the doctor’s time. I always drag them in and have her look at me and tell me it’s a virus, go home. That was fine when they were really small but they are big vigorous kids; I need to learn to relax a little.


Okay I’m going to go back to not doing work now. I’m working on a 5 minute speech that is due on Friday. The deadline is short but a 5 minute speech is sooooooo easy to write; it’s almost a waste of my time. So basically today will be an exercise in looking busy, if I’m lucky. If I’m not lucky as tends to be the case, some huge emergency (read 20 minute speech on some completely obscure topic needed by Thursday at noon) will come up. I always get dinged with those which I’m beginning to resent a little. I like to be useful but those kinds of taskings get exhausting. Right now though I’m just going to try to coast under the radar.

The Pathetic Post in which I let it all hang out.

So this is why I don’t blog more often. I wrote quite a lengthy little diatribe describing how pathetic and friendless I was and why that was. I was almost done when the sound of crying upstairs forced me to stop and go up to see if Claude needed a hand – he did. I got involved in bedtime routine and story reading and by the time I got back to the computer some stupid security update that needed to be installed immediately had run and restarted the damn computer and everything I had written was gone. Grrrrr….

Anyway suffice it to say that I don’t have many friends and that it’s partially but not completely my fault. I’m a difficult friend and it takes some effort. However, in my humble opinion the effort is generally worth it although few bother trying hard enough ever to find out. Anyway, I was at the physiotherapists today and came across an article in a woman’s magazine describing how women end friendships and that we do a horrible job at it. It described the end of my “best friend” friendship almost two years ago to the letter. As if the author had been standing there keeping notes the whole time. She described it as worse than the end of a romance and almost like a death and she was so right. She talked about how women don’t expect friendships to end so we don’t protect our hearts at all so that when it happens we are hurt, shocked and embarassed. She is so right. It’s almost like a death.

You know outwardly I’m so over my friendship with Carolyn. No one except any stranger who stumbles across my blog (lol) would know otherwise. I’ve moved on. I have other friends. Other interests. I’m better without her. That’s not true though.

I still miss our talks about nothing. I miss being silly. I miss being teased endlessly by her and her husband. I miss our kids getting to grow up together. It still makes me teary eyed. I bumped into an old mutual friend the other day and she asked if there was any chance at reconcilliation and I told her I didn’t think so. I don’t think Carolyn would be interested in reconcilling and well after the hurtful things I said I can’t blame her. In my defence – my hurtful things were said in response to her hurtful things. Still it was nasty.

In many respects this parallels a bad break-up (I never ever experienced one of those so I could be wrong). I find myself hoping she is sitting home alone on a Friday night wondering about me and regretting her decisions. Intellectually I know that is unlikely. She is funny and popular and not at a loss for friends. I wasn’t her best friend. I never kidded myself that I was. She was mine though.

I do sit at home, alone, and wish things could have been different. My REAL best friend was killed in a car crash when I was 17. That was such a comfortable relationship. We had been friends since 4th grade and did everything together. Tammy was the most amazingly nice person. She was popular and cool and for some reason she wanted to be friends with me. It took me 10 years to develop another relationship that was anywhere near as close (uneven as it was). Now I’m just kind of wandering about with a lot of partially devloped friendships with no idea of how to make them more than that. Really I’m hopeless. I got part way with one in some desperate attempt to have a close girlfriend and then decided I didn’t LIKE this person. They bored me. They weren’t very smart and their priorities differed from mine. I was pursueing a friendship just to have a friend. So that kind of ended. Ironically I ran into them today – God is playing some weird tricks on my mind today.

I meet so MANY people that I would like to have deeper relationships with but don’t know how to go about developing those without seeming somehow desperate. It really is easier to sit at home alone but that is so pathetic. You know I’m reasonably certain that I will spend New Year’s Eve alone with Daniel. There isn’t a snowballs chance in hell that we will be invited out. We could have a party and people might come but I don’t want to find out. I don’t know how to make myself more likeable. I’ve tried for years to fix the faults I know I have (I’m not completely naïve) but I am who I am and I can only change myself so much.

Okay the original point of this was I read that article and for the first time I understood the why and the how my friendship with Carolyn came to an end and I felt less stupid. Since I don’t have a close friend though there is no one else to talk about this with so I thought I’d blog about it.

This isn’t coherent at all – my first attempt was, it really was. I’m tired though and this is the best my tired mind can manage. Sorry to put you all through this. Geez I’m not even PMSing. I have had a couple of glasses of wine though - probably a bad idea.

Okay – going to watch House.

Well it was bound the happen sooner or later...

I would have been happier had it happened 3 days later though. Doh! The dollar tanked - the worst fall since 1971. Everything is relative though. Three weeks ago my jaw was hanging open in shock and it was at precisely the same level it is now. Its different on the way up than on the way down though. And with only a few more days - three - left until I could have paid our Disney vacation off. I fell like I just lost a hundred dollars although Daniel keeps reminding me I haven't lost anything. I never had it. But in my dreams I did. Last week the dollar did truly bizarre things. Even I knew it wasn't good and could not last but, as I imagined a dollar worth a dollar fifty; as I skipped happily through fields seeded with US dollars and picked them in happiness, filling my basket, I lived in a wonderful fantasy world. Then this morning the US Fed dropped the lending rate. And later the price of oil dropped. And last week Canada's trade surplus wasn't as high as expected (quelle surprise with a dollar that was giving people nosebleeds). And presto chango, I'm poor again. Dreams dashed. Internet cross border shopping at a complete halt. Oh the humanity! This was what it was like the season after the Jays had won two World Series in a row. It's not as fun when the team you have gotten used to just winning, just tanks.

Back in the real world. Kamryn is still sick. My mother has convinced herself that I'm the worse parent in the world for not yet having taken her to the doctor. She has a temperature - it's got to be Meningitis! lol Yup the kid who had three pancakes for breakfast and was using our iron bed frame as a climbing aparatus. That kid has Meningitis? Why does she always think Menigitis? I don't get it. My crazy parents.

Cars and Star Wars - same producer right? Writers? Director? No?

So today my kids were started down the road to geekdom. As I type this they are watching Star Wars for the first time. They have no understanding what is going on. In the movie or in their lives. Daniel though is in seventh heaven sharing this with his kids. Dominic is terrified that something is going to happen to his hero: Darth Mader. Yup that wasn’t a typo. The evil villain in Star Wars has been reduced to a cute rusted tow truck. I guess Darth Mader can always join forces with the “Injector roles” or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as the rest of the world knows them.

On another note the reason they are glued to the TV instead of doing something productive is that Kamryn is sick AGAIN. Last night by dinner she was running a fever of 101. I thought it might be a reaction to the flu vaccine (I know it’s not a live vaccine but it seemed possible). This morning though it was still up there and by lunch time, even with Motrin it was 102. I’m thinking NOT a reaction to the shot. Maybe strep? We just treated her for strep last month! Sam had it and then Kamryn came down with a cold with a high fever so we thought it best to treat her for it (pretty certain it was strep in the end). So here we go again. This kid gets everything going. Sam – never sick (with the exception of the strep he had last month. Coincidently right after I bragged to a friend that he was never sick).

In an interesting contrast to our day yesterday, today, not one member of my family got out of their PJs – it’s a holiday so why not I guess.

Okay back to our family movie night for me.

A nice relaxing Saturday... not!

Ugh! It’s been a busy somewhat stressgul day and its barely 12:30. This morning I couldn’t get out of bed – total laziness, no other excuse. Consequently we were late for Kamryn’s piano lesson. Not a lot late but late nonetheless. This was compounded by the fact that her piano teacher was ill and there was a young substitute who while talented wasn’t her normal teacher. She didn’t know the routine or capabilities of the kids and while she tried hard she was just a substitute. Once class was over – the joys of living in the suburbs – we had to dash the ten-minute drive back home to grab Sam and Daniel and zip back across our little suburban town to get the Doctor’s office (another 10-minute sojourn). And why to the Doctor’s you might ask. Well it was flu shot time. Sigh.

Kamryn is NOT a good shot taker. Everything was perfect until the winter she was four. Things have gone downhill since then. Sam isn’t easy either but as Daniel put it he’s smaller and easier to hold down. Kamryn takes MUCH persuasion, time AND two adults. I was the lucky one though. I seperated my shoulder about 6 weeks ago and there is no way I would have been capable of holding down a canary with two broken wings much less one of my VERY strong children. So Daniel got that happy duty while I entertained whatever kid wasn’t being tortured in the outer room. While Sam was getting his shot I took Kamryn out of the room and she thanked me (poor thing) for not making her get one. I had to basically drag her back in the room when her time came. Grab Sam and escape before she realized wheat was happening.

Sadly, if she was Sam I would probably have just let it go but Kamryn gets every bug going and it always goes to her chest and she ends up with a terrible wheeze/cough for weeks. She’s had pneumonia twice already (last time just this past summer).

After shots, which took much longer than expected because of Kamryn, we again raced 10-minutes across town to get Sam to his soccer class – late. Again just by a bit but late nonetheless. I hate being late. It stresses me out makes me feel all ill inside. Then Kamryn and I went for a nice relaxing coffee (well she had hot chocolate) at Starbucks. That was kind of relaxing but I had coffee with caffeine – a rarity – and now I’m just all skittish. Kamryn charmed everyone at Starbucks. I just sat there and took credit for my generally charming kid. That was nice. :) After coffee we shoe shopped a little (there is a good shoe store next to Starbucks) . It was a fun Mother-daughter thing to be doing; even though neither or us needed shoes in the slightest. I found a really cute pair for Kamryn that I needed her to try on just as we should have been leaving to pick up Daniel and Sam so in the end we were... ummm… late again. Another 10-minute drive.

Then home to shovel lunch into the kids to get Kamryn out of the house for the last ten-minute drive of the day: her soccer class. She and Daniel just left. The should be on time.

Me though: I’m still bouncing off the walls. I’m hyper and exhausted all at the same time. Is that even possible?

Long live the clean house.

Today was "maid day." A bi-weekly occurrence. Because I love a clean house, I love maid day. Because we aren't the most tidy of people, I HATE the day before maid day. Ugh! People always make fun of those that clean before the maid comes but you have to. Our house is cleaned by two lovely ladies. They do an excellent job but they aren't going to deal with clutter and, face it, I don't went them to see the fact that, because of numerous mad searches for black or blue socks in the morning, my sock draw hung open for most for the week with socks streaming out of it. Or the underwear I left hanging to dry in the shower. Stuff like that: Toys have to be picked up. Kids'rooms organized. Bed's made.

Whenever I start tidying Kamryn ask me if "my friends" are coming. When she was really small we told her the cleaning ladies were my friends - oh how they are my friends! - and that stuck. It's a little embarrassing that I can't get her to tidy up without her jumping to that conclusion every time. I can say though that at any time my house is normally within 20 minutes (of mad frenzied running around) of being perfectly suitable for company (as long as they don't enter my bedroom or open the dishwasher ;)). To clean for the maids though that takes about two hours. Its the weeks worth of laundry that Daniel loves to do but never puts away or folds that is always the killer. Then there is just clutter. It breeds like rabbits. Everywhere you turn there is more clutter and children's artwork threatening to bury me whole. So 20 minutes for company; two hours for the maids. The maids are allowed in my bedroom and can open the dishwasher if they want thus the difference. :)

Right now though - bring on the company! It sparkles. It gleams. It smells like cleaner (which is actually kind of icky but I have the fan on to hopefully remedy that). I'm too tired to move though and I don't want to dirty it. The kids are having leftovers for dinner. They are watching a movie now. If no one moves we could keep the house clean and reap a return on my investment for another 20 minutes or so.

Yes I know it was over a week ago.

I have nothing to write about. So I guess I will write about something I should have written about well over a week ago: Halloween.

This year Kamryn was Batman. Not batgirl – “that’s gross, Maman.” And Sam was her faithful sidekick Robin. He was soooo excited to be Robin. He was sooooo cute. They both were.

It was the kind of evening that makes you happy to be a parent. A family night. There are those times in my life where I just stand back and look at where we came from and where we are now and just marvel. I never thought this would be my life. I never really believed it and I never really understood what having children would mean.

It was a good night and I was so proud of Kamryn.

Kamryn had to decide on a costume in late September in order to do a class presentation. She really wanted to be Batman. Had her heart set on it and I wasn’t going to stand in her way. She KNEW she was being different than all the other little girls and she was just happy in her own skin. That I believe should be the goal of every parent: that their child is happy being themselves. I was so nervous for her on the day of her presentation. I was worried that some little girl or boy would say something disparaging to her. But that didn’t happen. :) I don't think that ever happens to Kamryn she's just that kind of person(still I'm a mom; I worry) . She did really well on her presentation. All sorts of wonderful chest puffing stuff in the teacher's report. But then there was actual Halloween night. When the gazzillionth person gasped and said “Batman is a girl!”, Kamryn looked them in the eye and stated without hesitation that “Girl’s can be superheroes too.” It made my night. She’s my superhero (her brother’s too :)).

Piano Practice

I'm typing this while Kamryn practices her piano.

She is surprisingly easy to get to practice. She LIKES it; heaven forbid. I used to hate to practice. I still hate to practice but she is enjoying it. Weird kid.

I hope it continues. What I think she really likes is being good at playing, which she has miraculously understood, at her young age, is directly related to the amount of practicing she does.

So I Guess the new-fangled formula doesn't cut it anyways.

So there is a new study out today that argues that 9 out of 10 children who are breastfed are up 7 IQ points smarter than children who aren’t. That’s not how the media has phrased it of course – don’t want to enrage (or panic!) those non-breastfeeding moms. They only focused on the positives. Ugh!

If Moms don’t put enough pressure on themselves about breastfeeding as it is.

Kamryn was half breast-fed. I managed to squeeze out about half of what she needed. Was that enough? Hope so. If not I hope that nature gave her enough IQ points without my help.

Sam of course wasn’t breastfed. One more thing to have me worry about with him. He had such a rough start and I worry almost constantly about how it has/will affect his cognitive potential. My latest worry in my quest to drive myself batty is his inability to spell his name. As his name isn’t really Sam, some difficulty is to be expected, but it’s not really his inability to actually spell it that bothers me. It’s his inability to learn how. He spells his name wrong the SAME way EVERY time – no matter how often you correct him. If you work on it with him he will stop making that mistake but he gets all flustered and the stuff he knows goes out the window completely. It’s the same with the Lord’s prayer. He says it every night. He says it wrong every night. The SAME mistake. It’s almost a year now that he has been saying it wrong. And I correct him and we try it again and he gets it wrong again. In a ten second span he can get it wrong as many times as I can get him to repeat the phrase he messes up on. We say it EVERY night.

Not to compare children (don’t frown at me that way as I do just that) but without working on it at all Kamryn could say the same prayer in two different languages without making any errors at a much younger age than Sam is now. We don’t work in two languages with Sam at all although he speaks english fine for a kid whose parents continually discourage it. I think, where it matters, it would confuse him too much so we do everything – counting, the alphabet etc. in French only. I’m looking forward to him starting school next year so that professionals can tell me to stop worrying.

This is kind of dumb – can you tell I wasn’t breastfed?

Top ten reasons (in no particular order) I stopped blogging …

1. My life is boring.
2. My life is busy.
3. Other people’s lives and thus other people’s blogs are MUCH more interesting than mine.
4. I’m lazy.
5. I really don’t get on the computer at home much anymore.
6. It’s easy not to return to doing something once you’ve stopped for a bit.
7. I write A LOT during that day and even though it isn’t “me stuff” I think that itch gets scratched pretty effectively.
8. I’ve read some phenomenal blogs over the past few months and must admit the prose and wittiness of others overwhelms and embarrasses me a little.
9. I’m not sure all that many people read this (no kidding since I never update!) and that’s a little depressing.
10. To blog at work I have to write my entry and then e-mail it to myself so that I can post it from either home or a “public” workstation 5 floors above my actual office because of internet filters on our desktop computers are annoying as all heck.

Pot, have you met Kettle?

So after all my pontificating I find myself in a little dilema of my own. Kamryn showed the first symptoms of a cold on Friday night. By Saturday afternoon she was running a fever of about 100, give or take, and had picked up a nice cough. Today her temp was normal every time I took it and her cough was a little less but by after dinner (in a day spent playing outside and then running like a madwoman all evening with her brother and cousin) she had an elevated temp again (not quite 100) and had almost completely lost her voice. Hmmmm…

School tomorrow or not?

I’m relative certain that by morning her fever will be gone (as it was this morning). Kamryn is the kind of kid who gets a fever if she gets a particularly nasty splinter. She's that sensitive -- a fever doesn't mean all that much in her case (although I'd never send her to school with one). She isn't acting all that sick. She’s coughing a little and is oddly fascinated with her own disappearing voice but apart from that she’s fine. Did I mention she had a VERY active evening playing and carrying on? It seems like a waste to keep her home. Then again I berated that other mother so soundly.

I could play hookey from work tomorrow and just give her a break. Then again the concepts she will miss learning about in this all important Kindergarten year might mean she will only have a chance at a 7th rate university at best. ;) In all seriousness, keeping her home when she isn't sick enough to actually be home is annoying for both her and whoever has to watch her. This child needs to be in school. She likes it. She thrives off of it. But again, how much thriving will she do if she is sick?

Nasty thought but I'm going to bed hoping that when I take her temp at 7:30 tomorrow morning it's at least 100. That will make it cut and dry. Here's hoping my kid is really sick? What a wickedly bad mother am I?

P.S. In after-hours trading the Canadian dollar hit $1.09! This beats the REd Socks anyday!

Catty Post Day 3

Okay let me catty for a moment (an eternal moment lol).

This is a post from a board I frequent. A mother, frustrated with how often her kindergartner has been sick this fall asked the rest of the board some questions. These are another posters answers:

How many times since the beginning of September has
your child/children been sick?

Child A started school in August, and up
to her report card had missed 4 days, and has been out two more since.

Here's our year so far...

1st day of school
- nurse called, we had to pick/up because Child A had a fever

2nd day of
school - out with high fever

Next week - nurse called again, so missed
1/2 day, plus the entire next day due to high fever

Following week - out
on that Friday due to hives all over her body and high fever. FWIW, she
eventually was diagnosed with walking pneumonia.

Mid-October, sent home 1/2 day for throwing up at
school and missed the next day with a stomach virus.

This week, sent home on Tuesday 1/2 for high fever
and stayed home on Wednesday with high fever.

She's been in daycare since she was 3 months
old. I thought we would be immune to all these bugs. Guess not!!

Ummm… I hope there are a lot of people biting their posting fingers not to say anything. A few people reached out in sympathy but isn’t it odd the number of days she has been sent home from school sick. That is one busy nurse! Doesn’t this mother look at her kid in the morning. Does she pay any attention at all? Kamryn has been sent home from school once in a year and a half. And I felt horribly guilty about it. In hindsight the symptoms where there in the morning I just missed them in the hustle and the bustle of getting ready. I learned my lesson quickly. If Kamryn looks/acts sick in the morning I take her temperature and keep her home. It's not that hard!

Ummm… I almost feel no sympathy for this family considering how many other children are probably missing school because of Patient X here.

I remember the first illness this child had. I remember the mother posting about how Child A had a high fever the day before and didn’t seem much better the next day. I was a little sympathetic in that who wants their kid to miss the first day of school ever (I still questioned the fact that she sent her anyways) but obviously this is a pattern.

Okay cattiness over.

Less Deep Thoughts Day 2

Today the Canadian dollar set a record. I think it set one the day before yesterday as well. But this one is a big one. Since the dollar began trading on the open market in 1950 it has never been worth so much against the USD.

Normally, I would greet that information with mild interest. I’ve got to tell you though, I’m watching this the way I used to watch baseball stats when the Toronto Blue Jays were headed towards their first World Series win back in the 90s. Truly, it has taken on the proportions of a sporting event. Almost the first thing I do when I get into work in the morning is fire up the old computer and check in at www.xe.com to see what the dollar is trading at right now this instant. I check back several times a day – charting its progress. I read newspaper articles on where it’s expected to go. I have started watching the business channel.

I must admit, I’m learning a lot about business and the financial markets. Things that I’ve never paid any attention. And I’m finding it interesting (shhhhh don’t tell my Dad; he’d fall over). Perhaps I have a new and bizarre hobby. Correction I do have a new and very bizarre hobby: Loonie watching! I’m not alone. Strangers in elevators, cashiers at the mall, people at the bus stop: everyone is talking about this. No wonder, it’s a lot of fun. Kind of in the way baseball stats were a lot of fun as the Blue Jays marched towards an inevitable championship. Note, I haven’t looked at a baseball stat in ages :( I suspect my new hobby will in a few months meet the same fate.

First the dollar can’t maintain this pace or momentum. Eventually, it will fall below the US dollar again. I base this on no real factual knowledge but rather the basis that I never thought I would see what is happening in my lifetime. The first time I checked xe.com and saw the Canadian dollar was trading above the US-dollar, I refreshed the screen because I thought it was wrong (more pathetic: I was checking because I was EXPECTING to see exactly what I saw but I still couldn’t believe it). Even if it does slide down the mid-80 cent mark, as increasingly less-credible economists keep predicting (one guy who I laughed at predicted it would hit $1.50; he’s starting to look more credible than the other guys), eventually I will get bored of this game.

Second, the reason for my excitement will be over by the end of January and after that – who cares. We’re going to Disney World – woohoo! We planned our trip and made our reservations before the dollar started its meteoric rise. It was an unheard of .12 cents below what it is now. Okay that’s just ridiculous. It has saved us over a hundred dollars on our vacation (I have to pay the balance off next month) so far. This definitely makes the game more fun. How long can I ride this wave before my paper-savings whither away? How much more could we potentially save if I hold off paying off the balance until the LAST possible moment. The dollar’s rise is making things that are ridiculously expensive here (compared to the US) cheaper which is nice but hardly as immediate an effect on our finances as the trip to Disney will be. Although Christmas shopping might be interesting.

So there you go. That’s what I’m obsessing about today.

I feel kind of rich. Which is silly since my bank account is still as empty as it has always been.

Deep Thoughts Day One

So I was just wandering through the food court at the mall during my lunch break – toting a steamy cup of what turned out to be awful hot chocolate and carrying over-baked cookies peanut butter cookies – when my eye fell on the tousled, not quite controllable hair of a very young baby.

An surprising thought popped into my unoccupied mind. If – if – if I could snap my fingers and be pregnant right now would I be happy. Not to be pregnant – of course that is still a dream – but to welcome a third little bundle into our “built for 2 little bundles” household. Baby lust – do I still feel it? Ummm… yep you bet your bottom dollar. It’s still there, alive and well. And here I had been congratulating myself enthusiastically because when I went to the doctor with an icky UIT last week and she asked me the date of my last period I couldn’t even hazard a guess. Somewhere beyond two weeks ago. That was as exact as I could get. Ah the days when I would have told her down to the second… Still with the thought of the logistics of it all aside; I would be thrilled to welcome a baby into our home through pregnancy.

Would I be equally thrilled if an adoption fell into our laps. No I would not. How adoption-community unpolitically-correct of me. It has nothing to do with love. Or how wonderful my children are. Or how great our lives are. It has to do with hassle. I can’t handle any more hassle. I don’t want to put up with any more stresses. Adoption can be wonderful but the stresses don’t go away ever. There is always something, maybe not right there in your face but there are so many things floating around in the back of my head, I can’t add any more.

There are birth parent issues big and small. Have I written often enough? Have I provided enough photos? How are they feeling at any given time? Will we ever see so-and-so again … Those are the easy ones.

Did I mention, Sam’s birthmother is due 15 December with a baby she hasn’t mentioned to us. She is planning to parent. Then again she planned to parent Sam as well. Children’s Aid is involved and is helping her supposedly. This time the father is in the picture as well. Who knows what will happen. Contact with her is sporadic – huge bursts of activity followed by weeks of silence. During those quiet times I worry terribly about her.

Then there are kid issues, which I admit are pretty easy to deal with right now. The future though scares me a little. What will they want to know? When? What happens when adoption isn’t something abstract and a little cool like it is right now? Ugh!

Anyway. What it comes down to where that if I were to magically discover I was pregnant – so long a shot its almost impossible any longer to even fantasize about – heck I’ll be 40 in 7 months – drop everything and scramble to buy back all the baby crap we sold in various garage sales over the last two years. But, if I were to get a call tomorrow, I’m sure there are lovely parents out there just waiting for that bundle of joy.