Turns out that you can't will a UTI healed

The good news is that I didn't expire overnight when I realized that the my kidneys were not supposed to feel so abused. Also, that after some really good antibiotics and a day sleeping that I'm getting an entry in courtesy of my shiny new lap top. Bad news is that its going to be a really short one.

Big Day for Kamryn Today

It was a PD day at school so she had the day off. Came and joined me downtown at my office and then DH took her across the street to that mall and got 9 inches chopped off her hair. It's what she wanted (a mantra I've been repeating to myself all day lol)

Here are a couple of shots.

This is Easter Weekend and the best "before" shot I have (In deep denial I didn't take a real "before" shot today).




And afterwards, clearly thrilled:




And with her truncated pony tail which I have decreed will go to the cancer society. Kamryn isn't so generous and would just like to keep it to play with (in truth I think she is just a little sad and would like to somehow re-attach it.)

Sigh

A colleague’s wife lost her baby this weekend at 14 weeks. Not that it would have made the pain any less if he hadn't of, but he just shared with everyone that she was expecting (their second child). They’ve had an ultrasound. They saw a heartbeat. They waited until they got out of the first trimester. They shared their happy news and now devastation.

As luck would have it – I’m his boss this week so he called to tell me he wouldn’t be in and to share why. He also gave me permission to share his sad news with the rest of our colleagues. Is it selfish to wish someone else had had that job? Anyway I shared it with out little section and then went up to the morning staff meeting with the other two section heads, our admin clerk and, our Director (all men) to tell them. Okay out of this group of 4 men + me we have 4 father’s or father’s to be. Two of them are expecting babies, one in a few weeks and one right around the time my colleagues wife was due. My director has two girls. Everyone expressed sympathy and then some bizarre need to bury the issue. The consensus seemed to be that to much of an acknowledgement would “draw attention to ‘it’” and “would serve as a reminder” as if it no one said anything they would just forget by next week. GRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I don’t understand this. If they had lost a living child would not having a funeral make it easier? I’ve heard about these attitudes surrounding miscarriages but this is the first direct involvement I’ve had in it. Makes me a little angry. I did manage to convince them that a card (not a sympathy card but a thinking of you card; that was very important to my Director!) would be appropriate. Have I sighed enough yet?

I am Niles Crane.

Okay I’m hanging my head in shame but I just came from the coffee shop (not Starbucks - I've decided I don't like Starbucks BUT there are MUCH better alternatives in Canada so no worries). I had to use my fingers to keep my order straight. Medium, non-fat, de-caf, no whip Moccacino latte. Yes, it’s a bit ridiculous. And now the kid’s can’t go to university because I spent their college savings to purchase said Latte. Ah well. It was yummy and I gave lattes up for lent and it was torturous. Lent is over. Perhaps they will both grow up to be baristas instead of barristers. I can only hope.

Pots, Kettles and maybe a frying pan or two.

We had my cousin and his wife for dinner on Saturday. It’s been forever since I’ve spent any real time with their 3 ½ year old son. It’s been awhile since they’ve been over to visit and he hasn’t been sick (i.e. sick equals glued to Mommy and VERY quiet). It was a sad evening. I couldn’t wait for them to leave and take their brat with them. Oh My. He was SUCH a sweet, quiet, easy child. We were the ones everyone in the family whispered about after we left. Us and our ADOPTED little hellion. That used to bug me – the fact I knew they were saying things about poor Sam and no doubt blaming it on his origins. Now I’m even more angry because they are still saying nasty stuff about Sam behind our backs and comparing him unfavorably to a child whose presence I couldn’t wait to be free of. I have no real proof of what is being said just a VERY strong suspicion and an in depth knowledge of what my extended family is like.

Sam is a handful – always has been and probably always will. He is spirited, spunky, determined and aggressive. He is rough and tumble and the kind of boy you always hear described as “all boy.” BUT he will generally listen when you tell him things (once you’ve managed to get his attention as he runs around the room like a bee on heroin that is. ;) He eats well. He sleeps like an angel. You can discipline him and it has a noticeable effect on his behavior. He really is a lot easier to handle than it might seem on observing us parenting him. He does X we do Y and everything ends up plotted nicely on the Z axis. More importantly everyday it gets just a little easier.

Not so Lord Fauntelroy. He destroyed our family room – toys EVERYWHERE. Okay he’s a kid we’ll excuse that. When the time came to clean up though who didn’t help at all? We sat down to dinner. I have some vintage kid’s dishes that I didn’t give the boys because I’m not crazy. Kamryn though had one. She was sitting next to Little Lord Fauntelroy. He immediately began pounding on the dish with his spoon. His mother told him to stop. He continued so she told him to stop again with pretty much the same result. Ummm… so she said stop again. Real effective! He’s not 15 months old here he’s 3 ½ and plenty capable of listening. We needn’t have had him at the table anyways. He didn’t eat anything and basically wanted down immediately. Kudos for my children who sat and ate with everyone and chatted and were basically angels.

Then bed time. I put all the kids up to bed (Fauntelroy was going to nap until it was time for his parents to leave; we were going to watch Little Miss Sunshine – NOT a kid’s movie.) I read stories to everyone and got everyone snuggled up in bed. We started to watch the movie. Who should wander downstairs because he had to go to the bathroom no more than ten minutes later. No fair you peeked at the answer! He comes into the room where we are watching the movie and announces that he is staying because “Mommy said I could.” Okay whatever. At this point I didn’t stop the movie – he’s not my kid and there was a perfectly good bed for him that he was happy staying in until “Mommy said I could.” By the end of the film he was muttering “F***ing losers” along with the character in the movie. Smart kid. Learns some things without much prompting. Again – not my kid.

Oh and then there was the crying about how he was hungry – I would be too if I’d eaten what he didn’t for dinner – and wanted chips. I offered crackers so there was a meltdown over chips. I bowed out. Not my kid. My brain was screaming “take him home!” I think they heard because they departed soon after. It was 10:30. It seriously felt MUCH later.

It might not seem that much but it was just one thing after another strung together with whining. I never want him to come over again. I know I won’t invite them over to dinner that’s not a family gathering ever again. They often ask us to watch him for the weekend. I’m lining up my excuses why we can’t now.

He was SUCH a sweet kid. A few boundaries and we’d still be raving about him. Cousin’s wife is due to have another in 6 weeks or so. Lord help them. Really burns me though that Sam is characterized as the “bad” kid. Is it wrong of me to look forward to family events so that others will notice how good he actually is.

What a blast we had!

What a day. The most snowfall in one storm I can ever remember (2 feet). The worst winter for snow that I can remember (more than 13 feet). My neighbour noted that we can now walk from his yard into ours with ease, careful don't trip over the 8 foot fence. I must say though we had the most fun.

The kids played outside for two hours, went in and warmed up and then went back outside again. It was about – 12 and no one cared. Everyone in the neighbourhood was out. It was like a huge block party. We had 4 snowblowers going and a lot of shovels. And just a lot of standing around being neighbourly. We used the snowhill on our front lawn as a toboggan run (my lawn - during the summer is COMPLETELY flat; no hill, no remarkable slope). Parents stood in the street to watch for cars – they were few and as the street hasn’t been plowed completely yet and is near impassable nothing was going very fast anyway. One parent at the top of the hill (the top is even with the second story of my house!) to police who’s turn it was next and let the fun begin.

What a way to spring forward. I took a ton of photos – none very good because its hard to shoot in snow and I’m not the best photographer. But here’s a little of our day.

The trek up the hill.



Said hill.



Kamryn at the top.



Kamryn at the bottom.







Same at the top of the hill.






And my last photo: Back on the 3rd of January when I THOUGHT we had a lot of snow I took this shot. I've put the one I took this morning next to it. It looks sooooooooooo paltry now. lol Kamryn is about 47 inches tall to give you some perspective. Our neighbour who is just a big kid at heart is working on building a luge run on the front lawn - seriously!

Winter Wallop

This is the worst storm I have ever lived through. Keeping in mind that we already have had over 300 cm of snow this winter (I think we were at 350 or so) with about a third of it still on the ground, this is just a little insane. It started snowing yesterday about 3 pm and snowed all night. We got 17 cm – a fair amount but then the real storm hit, along with 70 km/h winds. It’s just a little scary out. I can’t see the house-across-the-street's first floor out my front window because I can’t see over the 10-foot tall mountain on my lawn. The snow in the backyard (where no one has walked for weeks now) is EVEN with the top rail of our deck. Not all that impressive you say until you realize that the deck is 4 feet off the ground. So that's about 7 feet of snow. I don’t mean to say there is a pile of snow that high – ALL the snow in the back yard is that high.

Here’s hoping that the power stays on.

I sent the following photos
(taken this morning during the "break") to my parents who are vacationing in the Caribbean.

Want to join me in a depressive little journey?

It’s funny the things that get you going.

On one of the boards a read, someone was posting recently on the pain of infertility. I was sympathetic but at the same time I was congratulating myself for not really getting those feelings anymore. Yes, I’m sad that I have never been and will likely never be pregnant but its not taking up all that many brina cells. Also I’m not dreaming constantly about a miracle surprise pregnancy anymore. I don’t even try to line things up so that it would be possible. I can’t tell you when my last AF was. I can’t tell you when it’s due (that’s partially due to some messed up stuff that is happening but that’s another story). I’m happy with my life and my family. So reading that particular post I was quite smug in how mentally healthy I saw myself.

Quite soon after -- hours maybe -- I’m sitting on the bus on the way home from work. Minding my own business and a random song comes up on my MP3 player: Make it Better, by Holly Cole and all of a sudden I’m (inwardly) a messy pile of goo. It was kind of a shock; all this emotion was washed over me and left me spent and a not a little stunned. It just brought back a really intense memory: a night of insomnia (I get insomnia when I’m upset or stressed) sitting on the couch in my old house (so 8 years ago!) listening to that song over and over and over again and crying. All over another visit by AF and the hopelessness of it all. I might have written about it then. It was a bad time. It’s over though and why I should have this reaction at the very sound of the song? Kind of sucks. I like the song. I guess it is kind of depressing though. Lol

Want to be depressed too? Here are they lyrics:

Make it go away or make it better
Isn't that what love's supposed to do
Make it go away or make it better
Cause I would do either one for you

This is not the way you should see me
This is not the face I recognize
Could I lay my head down here for a moment
Would you sing to me like I'm your child
Cause I'm not angry I'm not crying
I'm just in over my head
You could be the angel that stayed on my shoulder
When all of the other angels left

Make it go away or make it better
Cause I am waking
This more then one should have to take
If you do this for me then I will promise
I'll make it go away for you someday

There are reasons silver linings
There are lessons but I don't care
Cause I just need a hand that I can hold onto
When it's darker then death out there

I'm so cold
And so far away from my home
But tonight you're
You're where I belong
You're everything right
When I'm everything wrong

Make it go away or make it better
Isn't that what love's supposed to do
Make it go away or make it better
Cause I would do either one for you
(repeat)

January 9th 2008 circa 10:10 am

What made is there to say. Except the tooth fairy generously laid out $5 and a really cool book. Oh and what you can see behind the space where her tooth used to be is her permanent tooth. It's pretty much all the way in but of course there is no room for it. This kid is going to cost me some money.

My impressions on living in a snow globe…

Okay I have no impressions. Lot’s of whining though.

I was struck as I left the house this morning by just how much snow has accumulated on our front lawn. It’s a little ridiculous. I’m 5’9”; in my winter boots, I’m probably just under 6’. The snow bank on my front lawn is a good foot higher than that. And it’s snowing. AGAIN. In fact I don’t think it has ever stopped snowing. Every day we get a little bit of snow - an inch here, half and inch there. And then God has a real chuckle and we get a good foot or more dumped on us. Before you know it: 7-foot snow bank on the front lawn.

I looked out the bus window on the way home from work yesterday and my eyes were just even with the tops of the snow banks. That’s just insane. Snow-clearing here is a well practiced art. When we were flying to Chicago, the woman sitting next to me on the plane was a from Chicago. She was proudly telling me about how many plows Chicago had - about 275 I think. I pointed out to her that in a city half the size of Chicago (possibly even smaller I don’t exactly know how big Chicago is; yup even smaller I googled it. We are about 1/3 the size.) we had almost double that. But even with all that - with 479 plows - the city can keep up even a little. The budget ($65 million) has been blown but even throwing more money at the problem isn’t helping. There just isn’t the capacity to do more. People have stopped griping (well almost) because it’s pointless. It’s obvious this isn’t anyone’s fault. I think at this point the only thing that has saved us was an insanely warm January thaw that allowed about 2 feet of snow to melt.

I have no doubt that there is more snow coming. Heck it’s supposed to snow all weekend - not a storm just a steady and relentless dusting. The next big storm will have us all yelling “uncle.”

From last week’s paper (we’ve had a 15 cm or 6 inches more since then):

And according to its records, the capital had seen 223.2 centimetres [7 ½ feet] of snow hit city streets prior to yesterday's storm, which puts it slightly ahead of the record-setting 208.9 centimetres of snow that fell between November 1970 and the end of January 1971.

My parents have a certificate that the local paper was handing out in 1971 that said “I survived the winter of ’71.” It was that bad.

After All That Anticipation

W’re back from a wonderful week at Disneyworld. I can’t say we visited Orlando because we literally never left the property. Who would have thought you could easily fill 7 days that way? Busy. Busy. Busy. We fell into bed every night exhausted and by the last night my legs, feet and back hurt so much from walking and standing that you would have thought I’d undertaken a new exercise program but we had fun.

The kids had a blast. Kamryn is a roller coaster junkie – completely. She begged to go on Big Thunder Mountain, Space Mountain and Expedition Everest. She did Space Mountain 3 times in a row (once back to back) and Expedition Everest back to back. While her father and I squeezed our eyes shut in fear on Expedition Everest she laughed like she was being tickled. Crazy kid. I don’t know if this is just the way she is or if it’s an age thing that will go away when she develops some common sense. I didn’t take her on Tower of Terror because I thought it was mean to put a small child through that (as evidenced by the 6 year old who cried hysterically from the moment the ride I was on started) but I think I might have actually made a mistake. I think she might have enjoyed it.

Sam wasn’t so adventurous. We scared him for life by taking him through the Haunted House and the Pirates of the Caribbean and on Dinosaur. I was nervous about Dinosaur and kept asking Daniel if we should leave him behind but Daniel insisted that Sam would be fine. Yikes. He was wrong. Kudos to my little man though – crier that he is – he didn’t shed one tear. He was obviously rattled though. He told me quite bravely on finishing Pirates of the Caribbean that he wasn’t scared. But when I asked him if he wanted to do it again, he didn’t let me finish asking the question before he said no. Strangely though he seems obsessed with that ride and talked about it endlessly (in a positive way).

The hotel was lovely. We stayed on Disney property at the Wilderness Lodge. The convenience of not needing a car and being so close to your hotel was delightful. We had the option of either a bus of a boat for travel. It really does add an element of relaxation in to a very full and active vacation. I knew that staying on Disney property in a deluxe resort would probably wreck me for anything else and I must admit it has. I can’t imagine staying offsite and I can’t imagine staying in anything less than a deluxe hotel. Yikes – can we afford to do that again in a few years. I hope so.

We got EXACTLY what we were hoping for out of this vacation. The kids had a magical time. They interacted with the characters and even Kamryn (who had expressed some doubts before going) really believed that the characters she was meeting were real. They could ride most of the rides – we only missed out on Primeval Whirl and the Rockin’Roller Coaster I think. They did fine stamina wise and although they were a lot of work supervision wise; they would have been a lot of work on a trip anywhere. In the Magic Kingdom there was so much to keep them entertained it was no work at all really. I enjoyed the other parks less – fewer kiddie rides more work to keep them entertained. Ironically, the park that was the hardest was Animal Kingdom. I guess the kids just aren’t really into animals.

The trip home was a nightmare. We left the hotel on Disney transportation at 1:35 and got to the airport at 3:00 pm (its kind of a milk run). Our flight was at 4:16. So we get to the ticket desk (because we were flying internationally we couldn’t check in at the resort) and United has a sign that says luggage may not exceed 50 lbs per bag. Sigh. We had three bags for the four of us. Two hard suitcases, one small and one large, and a large soft sided bag. The smallest suitcase weighted 32 lbs. The big soft sided one 44 lbs and the big hard-sided one 66 lbs. It was a $50 penalty for those suitcases that exceeded the limit. One I wasn’t going to pay. So I started repacking and rearranging stuff. Putting stuff in the carry-ons etc. After about 20 minutes and three weigh-ins I get the big bag down to 49.3 lbs. We get in line to check-in. We get to the kiosk, enter our information and it comes up on the screen that we are too late to check luggage for our flight. So panicking I get out of that line and into another line to have an actual person help me. We spend 10 minutes standing in that line and when I get to the desk I tell the clerk that he needs to re-book us because no doubt we’ve missed our flight. Then he tells me it’s all right because my flight is delayed. I should have realized that that wasn’t good news.

We were flying through Chicago and in Chicago there was a raging snow storm. We got to the gate at 4:30. I was still oblivious to the trouble we were in. I clued in when I saw the line at the gate. I joined said line and stood in it for over an hour; when I finally got to the front about 6:10 the gate clerk strongly encouraged me to get on the flight (it was boarding at that point) and assured me that my connecting flight was probably delayed and I should chance the trip to Chicago – BIG MISTAKE.

When we got to Chicago three hours later our connecting flight home had been cancelled, there was a two hour wait for customer service and we had few options. We took one of those options and got on a flight for Toronto – meanwhile we had been ticketed out of Chicago at 6 am the next morning but no one mentioned that to us they just sent us on our way to Toronto. When we got to Toronto at 2 am there was no one to help us (United desk was closed) and Air Canada was already cancelling flights to Ottawa. Air Canada couldn’t help us (put us stand-by on a flight, ticket us etc.) without a ticket from United. I made bed for the kids out of coats in front on the United desk and put them to sleep. We were first in line when the United desk opened at 4:45 am. And the agent quite rudely and dismissively refused to serve us. Her reasoning which she deigned to yell at us was that “we would take a long time; and her priority were the 1st class passengers in line who had tickets.” Wow. We know where United priorities are. Remember my children are right there sleeping on the floor.

We had to wait an additional half hour for the ticket seller to open. She was wonderful and worked hard to help us. On top of that and Air Canada clerk all of a sudden appeared in the line; trying to help someone out who was in a similar situation to ours and whose tickets were also messed up by United. The United ticket seller got us booked on a flight at 12:10 (a flight which incidentally was later cancelled because of the weather) and sent us to Air Canada. The angel at the Air Canada desk somehow moved heaven and earth to get us on the 7:10 flight out. I have no idea how as there was a stand-by list a mile long. That was the second last flight out of Toronto that day (the 8:10 was cancelled; the 9:10 made it out and that was that), so she really saved us. We actually pulled back from the gate on time but then sat on the runway for another hour and a half. I was positive we weren’t going to make it out and so relieved when we finally took off. Our luggage caught up with us the two days later – wet and with a broken lock for some reason and I didn’t even care. Never should have left Orlando. Lesson for next time I guess.

Anyway that was our trip. Mostly good and if the bad had to happen it only happened at the very end which is fine with me.

Our only souvenir of the trip is that Kamryn seems to have stomach flu very bad so I’m home with her today instead of at work. Poor kid hasn’t eaten anything save a bowl of broth since noon on Saturday and has been throwing up anything (even the tiniest amount of water or Gatorade that passes her lips). Not the greatest end to a vacation.

Our Christmas and a little bit of snow.

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. I thought I would share a bit of ours before the 12 days of Christmas (lots of people are back to their normal lives but not us… yet) comes to an end.

We did a little sledding the weekend before Christmas. The only problem with going down is the walk back up.



Christmas Eve



Because I’m a mean Mom – Christmas morning BEFORE they were allowed to go downstairs to see what Santa had left.



Christmas morning discovering that Santa delivered just as requested.




New Year’s Eve heading out to a party. I don’t think they lasted an hour at the party before they wanted to put their PJs on even though they didn’t get to sleep until after midnight.




Oh and I promised snow. I took this in our driveway this morning. It was – 10 F. Wicked cold. Sigh. We’ve had almost 70 inches of snow so far this winter – more coming tonight I think. The good news is that its supposed to get ridiculously warm next week and hopefully some of it will melt because we’re running out of places to put it. Some guy in Montreal (2 hours east of here) sold the snow bank on his front lawn on E-bay for $3500 (proceeds to Charity). Now why didn’t I think of that?

Well Aren't I One to Laugh At

So I agnonized over my decision all weekend and tied my own stomach in knots. Sunday night, sitting comfortably in my family room I made a decision: wasn't for us. I felt such a relief. A peace even until I got to work and told my co-workers. I'm such a suck. One of my co-workers made me follow through on my plan to call the guy who is filling the position now. On Tuesday, I had a LONG talk with him (he's an old friend and colleague) and I did a COMPLETE 180. Finished the conversation with him and went almost immediately to talk to our HR guy and tell him I wanted to go. And here's where is gets just sad.

He looks at me and basically says "Oh, didn't know you were interested. Here's the situation..." Oh so complicated now. As I expected, I got myself all excited and now the possibility of going looks decidedly thinner. I won't know anything until probably March. So now I sit on my hands and try not to peruse www.realtor.com.

And yes, Natalie, its schools like Lycée Rochambeau that makes moving to Washington so attractive. Thanks for the endorsement of the school and the area. Now I'm working really hard not to set myself up for disappointment. There is an even chance that I won't get the position now but who knows.

So I have a dilemma.

Some might find it a really cool dilemma. Me? It’s giving me an ulcer. My workplace is a little unique I think. Gonna give you guys the inside scoop. The Canadian government has about 100 or so “policy officers” working in the Department of National Defence. We all have advanced degrees relating to defence issues - history, political science, international relations etc. And we’re all expected to be generalists. That is we’re all expected to be able to provide policy advice on any issue that might affect Canada. In general we fill a particular post for 2 - 3 years and then we switch. Not really a lot of rhyme or reason to where we switch to. I went from being a desk officer (read policy advisor) in the Directorate of NATO Policy to being a speechwriter. Sometime before 2009 I expect to fill a different post, I have no idea what it might end up being. There is a possibility though. I could fill a nice position at our embassy in Washington.

It was offered to colleagues of mine ranked one position higher than I am. They ALL declined. So they went to the next level to see if anyone (all THREE of us!) were interested. Here are the cast of characters:

1. Me.
2. Patrick - single guy, mid-thirties, no family, not a home owner.
3. Corey - married to someone who has already declined the position, 2 kids one only months old

We were told it wasn’t a competition. Management would decide who was best for the post out of the “pool” (gotta laugh here) who expressed an interest. I dismissively assumed that Patrick should get his haircut for his new passport photo. Until I talked to Patrick. "Nope," he says, "gonna turn it down. Don’t want to move to a new city where I don’t know anyone." Okay … Easy assumption that Corey isn’t going to leave his wife and daughter and new baby to go on his own and she already said she didn’t want it. So do I want to throw my hat in the ring? They can choose to extend the individual who is there now a fourth year rather than take me considering I’m under ranked for the position so its not a shoe-in but they've asked.

The concept TERRIFIES me. I worried about it all last week. On Saturday sitting on the couch, watching television and living my predictable life I decided that I wasn’t going. I felt so relieved and so much better but I could hear a little niggly voice in the back of my head taunting “chicken! Pock! Pock! Pock!” over and over again.

There are some incredible pluses:

- I get to play diplomat for two years
- Free private school for the kids
- a really nice house steps away from some really cool Museums
- some great resume material.

There is a huge downside:

- the end of predictability (I LIKE predictability)
- I would know NO ONE!
- Kids would have to change schools and I love their school now (also Kamryn is going through a “shy” phase that is becoming a real struggle so uprooting her might not be the best thing
- Daniel may or may not be able to find gainful employment so we may be truly down to one salary (with allowances and cheaper US cost of living that might not be so terrible)
- My parents who live ten-minutes away and provide reliable FREE childcare would be eight hours away.

After I was born, I went home to a new apartment with my parents. At the age of three, we moved to their current home. I left for university and went all of two hours down the road. Grad school was 7 hours away but it was only for a year (8 months?). I moved out of my parents home into a condo that I lived in through my first year of marriage when we bought our current home - ten minutes away from my childhood home. I’m hardly a globe trotter. I can come up with a zillion excuses NOT to do this. But they really do sound like excuses.

They all unravel whenever I talk to my colleagues here. Daniel is no help and is just happy to do whatever I want to do (I think he secretly wants to go but doesn’t want to pressure me). When I’m not at home I’m more interested in going but then I get home to my comfortable little cocoon of a house ….

I’ve put in a call to the guy who has the job now so that I can pick his brain a little. I have until January 1st to make my decision. I may very well take that long. Ugh!

Maybe I'm a little bit angry

Sam’s birthmother gave birth to a baby girl on December 4th. Have I blogged about this. I believe that I have. It has in the past few days caused me some moral anguish. I worried about how to explain this to my two kids. This was a bridge that I didn’t expect (but should have) to cross. I certainly didn’t think his birthmother would be allowed to parent a child. But I was very wrong. They are home and doing fine and she is worried that we are angry with her because she had a baby after placing Sama for adoption. How awful is that? How could I be angry with her? Sadly I know that most of her family probably is. I know her mother is because she told us. I expect her step-father and step sister are because they are jerks. But what right do I have to be angry at her for doing what is her right as a human being?

She’s clean. She’s trying. I feel a little sorry for her. I’m not really sure she has the capacity to understand how difficult this is going to be for her. I most definitely feel sorry for the baby and the life it will probably lead. I’m not being judgmental really I’m being realistic. S* learned how to cook a meal for herself just recently. She didn’t graduate elementary school, much less high school and she has tried MANY times. She is on permanent disability because she doesn’t have the capacity to hold a job. Its not just that she’s poor. It’s that she is poor and hard work and determination aren’t going to overcome that … ever. Life isn’t going to get easier for her and she has shown in the past that when life gets difficult she doesn’t necessarily make the best choices. Love is a wonderful thing but, unfortunately, it can’t be the only thing.

I am somewhat relieved that the baby is a girl. I’m relieved for S*. Sam is a wonderful little boy but he’s a difficult little boy to parent. He is extremely enthusiastic about everything. He is hyper kinetic - he never stops talking or moving. I’m surprised he hasn’t starved to death because sitting still long enough to eat is a challenge. I wouldn’t be surprised if on starting school we were referred for testing to see if he is ADHD (I don’t think he is but it is a distinct possibility). He’s impulsive. He has a nasty and violent temper. He can really exhaust you. I’m an older Mom and this is my second child. I’ve been around the block a few times. I have access to research, books, online parenting groups etc. etc. etc. And at times over the last two years I’ve been at the end of my rope with him (MUCH better now). S* doesn’t have any of that (although she does have the oh so helpful Children’s Aid helping her out; don’t get me started on them!). I’m hoping a little girl will be a little easier to parent - although I understand the S* wasn’t all that easy and she was a girl so who knows. Sigh.

She also wanted to know what we would tell Sam. Would we tell him he has a new little sister? The answer to that is a resounding NO (controversial as that might be). I’ve thought a lot about this and am taking the advice someone on a message board gave me. He doesn’t have a new little sister since I’m not having any more kids. He has one sibling, his sister who he spent Sunday afternoon locked in our downstairs bathroom - because Maman we need to be somewhere REALLY dark to play with our glow stick. He has one sister who he asks about every three seconds when she is away from him. He has one sister who he torments on a regular basis.

His birthmother has a new baby. A baby that came from the same tummy he did. Someone who should be important to him. Someone I want him to know one day. Someone I will tell him about. But right now she’s not his little sister. He’s three. He’s not going to understand how he can have a sister that doesn’t live with him. I’m not going to explain it now. He’ll get it and ask about it eventually and I expect we’ll talk about it A LOT.

I’m not being secretive. Is this child who he will likely not meet for MANY years really his sister. This isn’t a realm in which I am completely unfamiliar. I have two brothers ( half brothers actually). They are significantly older than me;.I have met the younger of the two - once - a few weeks before my wedding. I didn’t know they even existed until I was 10 or so (and my parents didn’t tell me, my oh so helpful Grandmother did). They aren’t really my brothers. They are these two guys who share half my DNA. I barely know them. I’m mildly interested in meeting my oldest brother but really more out of curiosity than anything else. I don’t feel deprived. That’s just the way life left it. I always feel like I’m somehow a pretended when I tell anyone I have two brothers. I don’t even know when their birthdays are or really exactly how old they are (they are about 20 years older than me). If someone were to ask me if I had siblings I would say yes, a sister. In the end a sibling is more than DNA (and yes, I guess the difference is I share DNA with my sister but that’s not the end of the story). I’m not going to hide anything but I’m not going to candy coat things either. I guess I am a little angry. Not at S* though at the whole complicated situation. At the complications of an open adoption and the challenges of making these monumental decisions that will affect your child so profoundly in years to come. Yup, a little angry.

Shhhh... I'm a posting fool.

November is over and I'm still posting. When it was November I resented having to post everyday and now that they month is over I can't stop. I need to see a therapist.

We have entered a new era!

This morning Daniel and I slept in until 9:30. Well there wasn't much sleeping going on. Hey! Don't think like that. There wasn't much sleeping going on because the kids were in and out of our room announcing various victories. Like, I beat Sam at Candyland etc. Big surprise there. lol (On that note I hope my little sister never plays chess with anyone else).

Anyway we stayed in bed until 9:30 while our delightful (see how delightful I can find them while abrogating my parental responsibilities) children got up; got dressed and went to the kitchen to make THEMSELVES breakfast. At around 7:45 (what a delightfully late hour!) I heard them arguing in a stage whisper about how the other was about to get in trouble for waking us up. They left us completely alone and were relatively quiet until 8:20 or so. That was when the calls of I'm hungry started and I told them, in an annoyed mumble, to go and eat . I didn't really expect anything to happen except a loud wail from the kitchen that someone needed help but it never came. Although Kamryn did come flying into our room to complain because Sam had taken "her" bowl. She was equally delighted when I told her to use a "regular" (non-plastic non-kid-friendly) Now breakfast wasn't pancakes, eggs and sausage rather it was cold cereal and yogurt and they couldn't find the yogurt in the fridge so that part had to wait until Daniel dragged himself out of bed to see if our kitchen had survived intact. There weren't, surprisingly, huge puddles of milk in a trail from the fridge to the the table. Woohoo!

For months I have been slowly prepping Kamryn to serve her own breakfast. I generally let her retrieve her own cereal bowl and attempt to wrestle cereal into said bowl and sometimes I let her pour the milk. Sam's favorite phrase is (shouted in an urgent pleading for an end to parental involvement voice) "I know how," despite not having a clue. So he tries to participate as well. No matter, there is always a great deal of parental involvement. But not this morning. And it wasn't at all planned (had it truly been planned I would have made the yogurt more readily available). I just woke up with a lovely sinus headache and my tolerance level was, depending on your perspective, remarkably low or remarkably high.

Anyway, After 5 1/2 years I see sleep in my future (well at least on those days where there aren't 60 million classes and practices to get to). It feels good - freeing - the concept of sleeping-in.

Oh, another milestone we passed today - I heard for the very first time: "But Maman, we have NOTHING to do." This doesn't fill me with as much joy as say Kamryn's first steps. In her defence it was uttered (as she stood in a toy strewed room) after asking me if they could go to the park (indoor park at the mall - with the windchill, its -21 C (-6 F) out and they are calling a foot of snow today we aren't going to the neighbourhood park!). I said no, not because I'm a mean Mom but rather a really nice Mom who is taking my darling children (darling child #2 just bit darling child #1 on the back of the head) to see the movie Enchanted in an hour. I suspect, with the weather, the movie theatre is a bad place to be but what can I say - they made breakfast while letting me "sleep!"

It's good to have a kid and a mom eh?

This from Kamryn as we put up the Christmas tree together this morning. I had no idea what she was talking about. "Hunh," I said distractedly. I hate "building" our fake tree; I was fluffing branches and Kamryn was dutifully supplying me with the right ones.

She repeats herself: "It's good to have a kid and a mom, Maman, because the kid can help the mom." She of course meant in putting the tree together but she was right in so many more ways than that. She made me a little weepy.

Today is the last day of NaBloPo (or whater its called).

I'm kind of happy which is pretty silly since I didn't HAVE to post everyday. I just felt kind of pressured once I started. See how anal I am? I have no willpower save personal humiliation. Definitely wound to tight. The bad thing about the end of this month is that several of the blogs that I enjoyed reading daily (much more interesting blogs than this one) will also not be posting as much. By its very nature I think having to post eah day dilutes the quality of the posting but I'm a more is better kind of chick.

Anyway, now that I'm back in the habit and now that posting from work is really easy I suspect you will hear more from me. For now... I'm kind of tired and have caught Kamryn's cold so I'm just going to quietly fade in the ether. Cheerio.

We went to see Santa last night.

I told the kids that if they were good at dinner and ate quickly that I had a suprise for them. When I took Kamryn up to comb out her hair she tried to weasle the surprise out of me.

Kamryn: Maman, I'm a pirate now. And you're a pirate too. You and are girl pirates and Papa and Sam are boy pirates. Pirates can keep secrets.

Me: MMMM hmmm

Kamryn: So can you tell me the surprise.

Me: I thought I was a pirate and was keeping a secret.

Kamryn: Not from me, Maman, we're partners.

Me: Oh, I thought Papa was my partner.

Kamryn: (said in an exasperated, how can you be so dense voice) No Maman, the girl pirates are partners and the boy pirates are partners.

Me: Ah, I think I'll keep my secret anyways.

When they got to the mall they were all excited until the prospect of actually sitting on the Jolly Old Elf's knee was proposed. Then they decided they would do it together. I think this scared Santa a little. They are getting big and Santa is real old. I wanted seperate pics anyways and since Santa looked scared I felt justified in manipulating my children to do what I wanted.

The photographer was all giddy over MY camera and asked if he could take some photos of the kids with it for me. I said sure as he explained that it wasn't really allowed. Ummm... yeah I know having been told that if I wanted to take pictures in the past it had to be from off the stage. I wish he'd made his generous offer BEFORE I laid out the $40 for the two picture packages (I would have gone for the cheapest package on offer in the knowledge that I had decent pictures in my own camera).

I don't know what the official pics look like because I still have to pick them up from the mall. Here are the ones that were in my camera. Sam looks VERY nervous (and he was). He warmed up shortly after the photo was taken though and gleefully asked for his Mommy planted suggested present. He was quite annoyed when we left before Santa gave it to him. lol Kamryn also did a good job of asking for her not-so-subliminally Mommy recommended present. I'm thinking it won't be as easy to fool them next year. To be honest these kids don't watch commercial TV - they don't know what they want. I'm jsut helping.

Anyway you really don't want me to blather. Here are the pics: