So I have a dilemma.

Some might find it a really cool dilemma. Me? It’s giving me an ulcer. My workplace is a little unique I think. Gonna give you guys the inside scoop. The Canadian government has about 100 or so “policy officers” working in the Department of National Defence. We all have advanced degrees relating to defence issues - history, political science, international relations etc. And we’re all expected to be generalists. That is we’re all expected to be able to provide policy advice on any issue that might affect Canada. In general we fill a particular post for 2 - 3 years and then we switch. Not really a lot of rhyme or reason to where we switch to. I went from being a desk officer (read policy advisor) in the Directorate of NATO Policy to being a speechwriter. Sometime before 2009 I expect to fill a different post, I have no idea what it might end up being. There is a possibility though. I could fill a nice position at our embassy in Washington.

It was offered to colleagues of mine ranked one position higher than I am. They ALL declined. So they went to the next level to see if anyone (all THREE of us!) were interested. Here are the cast of characters:

1. Me.
2. Patrick - single guy, mid-thirties, no family, not a home owner.
3. Corey - married to someone who has already declined the position, 2 kids one only months old

We were told it wasn’t a competition. Management would decide who was best for the post out of the “pool” (gotta laugh here) who expressed an interest. I dismissively assumed that Patrick should get his haircut for his new passport photo. Until I talked to Patrick. "Nope," he says, "gonna turn it down. Don’t want to move to a new city where I don’t know anyone." Okay … Easy assumption that Corey isn’t going to leave his wife and daughter and new baby to go on his own and she already said she didn’t want it. So do I want to throw my hat in the ring? They can choose to extend the individual who is there now a fourth year rather than take me considering I’m under ranked for the position so its not a shoe-in but they've asked.

The concept TERRIFIES me. I worried about it all last week. On Saturday sitting on the couch, watching television and living my predictable life I decided that I wasn’t going. I felt so relieved and so much better but I could hear a little niggly voice in the back of my head taunting “chicken! Pock! Pock! Pock!” over and over again.

There are some incredible pluses:

- I get to play diplomat for two years
- Free private school for the kids
- a really nice house steps away from some really cool Museums
- some great resume material.

There is a huge downside:

- the end of predictability (I LIKE predictability)
- I would know NO ONE!
- Kids would have to change schools and I love their school now (also Kamryn is going through a “shy” phase that is becoming a real struggle so uprooting her might not be the best thing
- Daniel may or may not be able to find gainful employment so we may be truly down to one salary (with allowances and cheaper US cost of living that might not be so terrible)
- My parents who live ten-minutes away and provide reliable FREE childcare would be eight hours away.

After I was born, I went home to a new apartment with my parents. At the age of three, we moved to their current home. I left for university and went all of two hours down the road. Grad school was 7 hours away but it was only for a year (8 months?). I moved out of my parents home into a condo that I lived in through my first year of marriage when we bought our current home - ten minutes away from my childhood home. I’m hardly a globe trotter. I can come up with a zillion excuses NOT to do this. But they really do sound like excuses.

They all unravel whenever I talk to my colleagues here. Daniel is no help and is just happy to do whatever I want to do (I think he secretly wants to go but doesn’t want to pressure me). When I’m not at home I’m more interested in going but then I get home to my comfortable little cocoon of a house ….

I’ve put in a call to the guy who has the job now so that I can pick his brain a little. I have until January 1st to make my decision. I may very well take that long. Ugh!