Sam’s birthmother gave birth to a baby girl on December 4th. Have I blogged about this. I believe that I have. It has in the past few days caused me some moral anguish. I worried about how to explain this to my two kids. This was a bridge that I didn’t expect (but should have) to cross. I certainly didn’t think his birthmother would be allowed to parent a child. But I was very wrong. They are home and doing fine and she is worried that we are angry with her because she had a baby after placing Sama for adoption. How awful is that? How could I be angry with her? Sadly I know that most of her family probably is. I know her mother is because she told us. I expect her step-father and step sister are because they are jerks. But what right do I have to be angry at her for doing what is her right as a human being?
She’s clean. She’s trying. I feel a little sorry for her. I’m not really sure she has the capacity to understand how difficult this is going to be for her. I most definitely feel sorry for the baby and the life it will probably lead. I’m not being judgmental really I’m being realistic. S* learned how to cook a meal for herself just recently. She didn’t graduate elementary school, much less high school and she has tried MANY times. She is on permanent disability because she doesn’t have the capacity to hold a job. Its not just that she’s poor. It’s that she is poor and hard work and determination aren’t going to overcome that … ever. Life isn’t going to get easier for her and she has shown in the past that when life gets difficult she doesn’t necessarily make the best choices. Love is a wonderful thing but, unfortunately, it can’t be the only thing.
I am somewhat relieved that the baby is a girl. I’m relieved for S*. Sam is a wonderful little boy but he’s a difficult little boy to parent. He is extremely enthusiastic about everything. He is hyper kinetic - he never stops talking or moving. I’m surprised he hasn’t starved to death because sitting still long enough to eat is a challenge. I wouldn’t be surprised if on starting school we were referred for testing to see if he is ADHD (I don’t think he is but it is a distinct possibility). He’s impulsive. He has a nasty and violent temper. He can really exhaust you. I’m an older Mom and this is my second child. I’ve been around the block a few times. I have access to research, books, online parenting groups etc. etc. etc. And at times over the last two years I’ve been at the end of my rope with him (MUCH better now). S* doesn’t have any of that (although she does have the oh so helpful Children’s Aid helping her out; don’t get me started on them!). I’m hoping a little girl will be a little easier to parent - although I understand the S* wasn’t all that easy and she was a girl so who knows. Sigh.
She also wanted to know what we would tell Sam. Would we tell him he has a new little sister? The answer to that is a resounding NO (controversial as that might be). I’ve thought a lot about this and am taking the advice someone on a message board gave me. He doesn’t have a new little sister since I’m not having any more kids. He has one sibling, his sister who he spent Sunday afternoon locked in our downstairs bathroom - because Maman we need to be somewhere REALLY dark to play with our glow stick. He has one sister who he asks about every three seconds when she is away from him. He has one sister who he torments on a regular basis.
His birthmother has a new baby. A baby that came from the same tummy he did. Someone who should be important to him. Someone I want him to know one day. Someone I will tell him about. But right now she’s not his little sister. He’s three. He’s not going to understand how he can have a sister that doesn’t live with him. I’m not going to explain it now. He’ll get it and ask about it eventually and I expect we’ll talk about it A LOT.
I’m not being secretive. Is this child who he will likely not meet for MANY years really his sister. This isn’t a realm in which I am completely unfamiliar. I have two brothers ( half brothers actually). They are significantly older than me;.I have met the younger of the two - once - a few weeks before my wedding. I didn’t know they even existed until I was 10 or so (and my parents didn’t tell me, my oh so helpful Grandmother did). They aren’t really my brothers. They are these two guys who share half my DNA. I barely know them. I’m mildly interested in meeting my oldest brother but really more out of curiosity than anything else. I don’t feel deprived. That’s just the way life left it. I always feel like I’m somehow a pretended when I tell anyone I have two brothers. I don’t even know when their birthdays are or really exactly how old they are (they are about 20 years older than me). If someone were to ask me if I had siblings I would say yes, a sister. In the end a sibling is more than DNA (and yes, I guess the difference is I share DNA with my sister but that’s not the end of the story). I’m not going to hide anything but I’m not going to candy coat things either. I guess I am a little angry. Not at S* though at the whole complicated situation. At the complications of an open adoption and the challenges of making these monumental decisions that will affect your child so profoundly in years to come. Yup, a little angry.
Hot August Nights
5 years ago
3 comments:
You know, I think that I'd be a little angry too. It's not that you're not being rational about Sam's birthmother's right to parent and to seek her happiness via children, but it just sounds like a situation that is never going to be good for the baby or the mother. Actually, that makes me more sad than angry. I hope that we're both wrong, but I doubt that you are.
As for telling Sam, hon, you are his mother and you know best. I've become a big believer in open adoption, but I think that that's "open" as defined by the families involved. While it would be great for Sam to know everything always, I don't know how you explain "everything" to a toddler. It could be very confusing and hurtful. At the same time, you don't want his birth sister to become some big huge secret that you do tell him one day and leave him feeling lied to to. Did I understand right that you're telling him that his birthmom had a new baby? Will this be a big enough feature in his life that he'll need to call the new baby something? It seems that "birthmom's baby" or her name should be fine without "sister." I agree with you that as far as Sam will understand, his sister is Kamryn. At the same time, I also have step and half sisters from my father's second marriage. One thing that my parents have never understood is that we all feel a strong bond and love each other very much despite the fact that we did not grow up in the same house and do not share (any or full) blood. Sometimes there is no arguing with the heart and it could happen that down the road Sam feels a bond to this little girl. Or, it could not. You just can't know. And that's what's so hard, I guess. I do know that you'll manage to navigate these treacherous waters.
Hugs.
Carol-Ann you wrote that so perfectly! Kendall's birthmother has 3 other children, 2 of which were born after Kendall. She always refers to them as Kendall's sisters....no they are not. Just like you are not her mommy. I so 100% agree with you, I know many don't but we each have to navigate our open adoptions with how we feel is best. I could have wrote those exact words myself. Cheers to you for having the courage to tell her that the new baby is not Sam's little sister
I am not an adoptive child but I do have other siblings from my Dad who I do not consider to be my sisters or brother. I like Sam have one sister who I grew up with and shared my life with, the one I slept with when I got scared, the one who drove me to my high school pep rallys.....so I agree with you......Sam has one sister. I have read your journal since TLOL and CA you have excellent judgement continue to trust your choices for your children.
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