Want to join me in a depressive little journey?

It’s funny the things that get you going.

On one of the boards a read, someone was posting recently on the pain of infertility. I was sympathetic but at the same time I was congratulating myself for not really getting those feelings anymore. Yes, I’m sad that I have never been and will likely never be pregnant but its not taking up all that many brina cells. Also I’m not dreaming constantly about a miracle surprise pregnancy anymore. I don’t even try to line things up so that it would be possible. I can’t tell you when my last AF was. I can’t tell you when it’s due (that’s partially due to some messed up stuff that is happening but that’s another story). I’m happy with my life and my family. So reading that particular post I was quite smug in how mentally healthy I saw myself.

Quite soon after -- hours maybe -- I’m sitting on the bus on the way home from work. Minding my own business and a random song comes up on my MP3 player: Make it Better, by Holly Cole and all of a sudden I’m (inwardly) a messy pile of goo. It was kind of a shock; all this emotion was washed over me and left me spent and a not a little stunned. It just brought back a really intense memory: a night of insomnia (I get insomnia when I’m upset or stressed) sitting on the couch in my old house (so 8 years ago!) listening to that song over and over and over again and crying. All over another visit by AF and the hopelessness of it all. I might have written about it then. It was a bad time. It’s over though and why I should have this reaction at the very sound of the song? Kind of sucks. I like the song. I guess it is kind of depressing though. Lol

Want to be depressed too? Here are they lyrics:

Make it go away or make it better
Isn't that what love's supposed to do
Make it go away or make it better
Cause I would do either one for you

This is not the way you should see me
This is not the face I recognize
Could I lay my head down here for a moment
Would you sing to me like I'm your child
Cause I'm not angry I'm not crying
I'm just in over my head
You could be the angel that stayed on my shoulder
When all of the other angels left

Make it go away or make it better
Cause I am waking
This more then one should have to take
If you do this for me then I will promise
I'll make it go away for you someday

There are reasons silver linings
There are lessons but I don't care
Cause I just need a hand that I can hold onto
When it's darker then death out there

I'm so cold
And so far away from my home
But tonight you're
You're where I belong
You're everything right
When I'm everything wrong

Make it go away or make it better
Isn't that what love's supposed to do
Make it go away or make it better
Cause I would do either one for you
(repeat)