Is there a difference between people watching and stalking?

So I’ve become a stalker. Who would have thunk it but here I am – stalker extraordinaire. Pregnant-lady got on the bus today. First day I have seen here since I last wrote about her. You see, the bus she takes ISN’T the one I should take. It’s my “oh-my-lord-is-that-the-time” bus. It’s my “doh-you-are-going-to-be-really-late” bus. It’s my back-up when I miss my regular bus. To get to this bus I actually have to go in a different direction from my regular bus so I have to really late. Okay, don’t call the cops but, lately, I’ve been taking it on purpose. Partially because on morning a met a couple of ladies I thought were really nice and wanted to run into them again (I haven’t really). The other reason – to stalk pregnant-lady. She got on this morning and I turned my MP3 player off so I could eavesdrop. How crass is that? I need professional help.

On the other hand she seemed happy this morning. It looked as if she was wearing maternity clothes for the first time. A rather smart outfit – red top and a black skirt. She can’t be all that pregnant given the time frame of our first “encounter” (if you can call my sitting across from her and staring on the bus an encounter) to now. Also she hasn’t seen an OB yet. I learned today that her first appointment isn’t until June 15th. She seemed pleased with the outfit though and almost eager to show it off so I was happy for her although a little concerned for her that she is showing this much already (twins maybe?) However, she is slightly on the chubby side and most of her belly was probably hers before she got pregnant. Still she is already doing the protective little tummy rubs as she chats with people. Sigh. You know I used to do fake protective little tummy rubs in the bathroom mirror when I still dreamed of a pregnancy. All seems, nevertheless, good with my stalkee. I will return to getting out of bed when I am supposed and hustling into work on the correct bus.

Today, my parents are keeping the kids overnight. I always feel guilty when they do this. Both Daniel and I have to be into work early tomorrow and tonight Kamryn’s school is having an information night for the Jr. Kindergarten parents. It would have meant picking them up at around 9 and getting them to bed late just to wake them up super early tomorrow morning and drag them right back. Still it seems less then responsible to “dump” them on my parents. The kids always enjoy themselves although they obviously miss us. We had a barbecue at my parents on Sunday for the culmination of “birthday week” and Kamryn was all excited when she found out that “Maman and Papa” were staying too. Lol My parents CLAIM to enjoy it but I’m not so certain that both kids aren’t a bit much for them to take care of all day. I’m really looking forward to Kamryn being in school and taking some of the load off of them.

The weather has finally broken so that is some relief; at least they can play outdoors. I can’t believe the last two weeks. It rained for 11 straight days. We have already had twice the normal rainfall for the month of May and we still have over a week left in the month. The kids (and me!) were going completely stir crazy by Monday. To make matters worse it hasn’t just been wet but cold as well. They were calling for SNOW on Tuesday morning (although I don’t think we actually got any). Today it is 22C and sunny. A heavenly day. I can’t even SEE outside from my pathetic little cubicle though. You win some you lose some. I’m sure the kids are enjoying themselves.

My little man is two today!

I did an *evil* thing. I woke him up this morning (not really he was awake just snuggling in his crib not calling for anybody yet) because I had to say SOMETHING to him before I dashed off for work. He was quite happy to see me but I’m sure Daniel would have appreciated a few more minutes of quiet time. Well tough toodles for him my baby is TWO! Poor kid. I’m working, Daniel is working. Kamryn has gymnastics tonight. It will be after 7 before he even gets his presents. Not that he is any the wiser that this day is different from any other day. He will have two parties on the weekend to make up for it. Ugh! 12 kids and their parents and it's going to rain (as it has for the last 8 days straight) - Calgon take me away!

Yesterday was the anniversary of our first meeting him. What a year it has been. We flew in to his hometown last year got settled in our accommodations and then went over to his grandmother’s house to meet our little guy. We took him a stuffed animal – Hodge I think its name is. Kamryn has a “fraternal twin” stuffed animal named Podge (thus my confusion one is Hodge and the other is Podge). Technically it was a gift from Kamryn. We brought his grandmother flowers. The kids played together in the little apartment so well. Kamryn was so excited to meet him. She was almost in tears when we left the airport earlier in the day and didn’t go immediately to his house. It was a lot for a little kid to understand. When we met him I wanted to scoop him up right away but I was afraid of looking too… well too eager. Why that would have been a bad thing I don’t know. Anyway I hung back to let him get used to me but he happily came to me and didn’t show any stranger anxiety at all. He was and still is a very open little guy. He plays strange sometimes but I’m not all that sure that on the rare occasions it occurs it isn’t just an act intended to get attention.

I fed him water out of my water glass, which made hi grandmother freak out because he never got water. We had lasagna for dinner and were so busy chatting that we forgot to eat dessert. It was hard to go home that night.

The year that followed had its ups and downs. I admit that I worried more than once that I couldn’t love this feisty and demanding little guy. That it wouldn’t happen. It was a silly worry. I can’t imagine my life without him. I can’t imagine him without us. He’s just a part of my heart now. Sometimes just looking at him makes me feel all warm inside. I was torturing him yesterday with kisses and he was being all “boy” and telling me "no" and pushing me away whenever I kissed him. Ah my little man is growing up. He’s still a little baby though and this morning wouldn’t let me leave without his kiss and hug.

We got him a Thomas Train set – it’s a construction/mining set or something like that. It will go with the trains and the figure 8 Water Tower set he already has. My Dad built him (and Kamryn) the most wonderful train table and play bench (wasn’t a birthday present but the timing has worked out). We just set it up for them this week. I’m so excited to give him his present. He is completely Thomas obsessed. He will have so much fun with the expanded set. Last night we were playing and I showed him how the trains would fill up with water from the water tower. I made a little water filling noise. He took over and kept calling me over to show me how the water made a “whoosh” sound as it “went into” the trains. He has a great creative little mind and he picks things up so quickly.

Amazing news on the speech front as well. Yesterday, like someone flipped a switch in his head he started talking in pseudo two word sentences. He still sounds like he is talking with a mouth full of marbles but he is FINALLY doing the two word thing and a lot too. I picked him up from my mother’s at 5:30 ish and was only with him until he went to sleep 2 hours later and in that time period the two word sentences were just spilling out of his little mouth. Mom also told me he said, “it’s in the there” when asked where his little car was. She couldn’t get him to say it again though – try as she might. We may have turned a big corner, which is good because we are STILL waiting for him to be seen by a speech pathologists. This is a big relief because I am more and more convinced that my worries last winter were/are more and more justified. He isn’t where he should be at all and he has major difficulty pronouncing simple sounds BUT he’s making progress despite the lack of professional help and that makes me worry a little less. I’m really anxious for him to be screened though and wish I could do it privately but alas I don’t think such a service exists. So we wait. He has is two year check-up tomorrow and I will bring it up with our doctor more for he opinions than any belief that she can speed the process up any.

Okay much work to be done to earn my salary and not much time left in the day. Must go.

My Birthday and Bus drama

Today it’s my birthday and the scene where Anthony Michael Hall sings to Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles is playing and replaying in my head. Yup – dating myself.

You say it's your birthday
It's my birthday too, yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you

Having a pretty good day considering that neither my husband nor my kids, ALL awake before I left for work, wished me a happy birthday. Ah well… the kids are clueless and Daniel was/is sleep deprived. He knows it’s my birthday as he has arranged (on his own with no prompting or encouragement from me) for my parents to watch the kids tonight so that we can go out to dinner and a movie. :) He also gave me a rocking Mother’s Day present that it also half a birthday present (a 30 GB MP3/Video player). Kinda cool – no I’m not materially obsessed at all. ;) Truth be told the present wasn’t all that important and the no happy birthday is bugging me a little (just a little) but I’m trying to be mature.

Quietish day at work. I have a speech that has come back for revision. I’ve been told my conclusion is a little “flat” ugh! The topic is the Canadian Forces Aeronautics Act; the audience is the House of Commons – what I should throw in a joke or two, lol. How to make the ending pop – I have no idea!

Yesterday as we were leaving Church some random lady who I don’t know stopped us to tell us how adorable and CALM!?! our kids were. Excuse me, was she really talking about my kids?!? Sam spent the entire service climbing up and down off the chair next to me. He would climb up, his heart would get halfway through a beat and he would slide off the chair, give a happy “oops” and climb back up again. It was maddeningly annoying but he would scream if I tried to make him stay on the chair so I just let him do it – pick your battles eh? He wasn’t going to hurt himself, we were in the last row, up against a wall so he wasn’t really disturbing anyone but me. Kamryn was being a pain – she was defiant, loud and trying to be as “infantile” as her brother to get attention. Both of them were kind of embarrassing but I was watching other kids around us and thinking that our two definitely were not the worse. Still I wouldn’t have described them as “calm.” Too funny.

In all serious, lately, Sam seems to be calming down considerably (she says because the memory is short). When he gets all riled up, if you hold him and tell him he needs to calm down he will (momentarily) and will actually repeat “calm, calm, calm.” Of course the second you put him down he is off again like a rocket but progress nonetheless. He also did quite a good job sitting in time out yesterday. He screamed his head off the entire time but he sat on the little chair I put him on without trying to get off to do his screaming and seemed to “get it.” You even mention time out and it upsets him so he understands. Progress – slow, slow progress.

We went out for a fabulous and super expensive brunch yesterday at a resort. Sam was MORE than good. He sat in his little high chair while everyone ate and he munched on whatever he was given. He really enjoyed some rather exotic cheeses Daniel was feeding him. Who would have thought this was the kid who would ONLY eat chicken nuggets, French fries and chicken and rice soup when we brought him home a year ago.

He also sat in his high chair (without much protest) in the garage for over 2 hours on Saturday while we held a garage sale (in VERY icky weather). I had planned on putting him in his pack and play but I sold it. lol He ate his breakfast and his lunch. He played with the toys we were selling and when things got really iffy – he watched Finding Nemo. I was stunned. I wouldn’t sit there that long! We really had no choice. The weather outside was AWFUL – not garage sale weather at all so he couldn’t play in the driveway while we sold all his toys out from under him. He would have destroyed all our “displays” if we had let him down in the actual garage and I had to take Kamryn to swimming lessons in the middle of the sale and he had to stay with his Dad who was working the sale. There is a light at the end of the tunnel here… maybe.

Anyway, I’m an old Mom now. I don’t feel old though. Where did the last decade go? Still two years from forty but it’s looming. Egads! I guess I’m all right with it – as if I have a choice. I was sitting on the bus this morning ease dropping on a conversation about a baby and thinking that the woman telling to story look WAY to old to have a newborn (turns out it wasn’t her baby she was talking about but perhaps her grandchild?). Then I was thinking I wonder if I do to, look too old to have a baby I mean? No problem I reasoned because I don’t have a newborn but I was wondering nevertheless.

It was an odd drive in this morning. There is a pregnant woman who gets on the bus that I feel super sorry for. What?!? Sorry for a pregnant person instead of greedily envious. I’ve only seen her a few times. The first time I saw her I was sitting across from her and she chatted with her neighbours who had gotten on the bus with her. She was sharing that she just found out she was pregnant. She looked like someone close to her had just died. They noticed her moroseness about the whole thing and commented that she should be happy. She explained that she was but that her husband was not – it wasn’t what they had planned. Ummmm… ya all her fault for getting pregnant he had nothing to do with it whatsoever. Anyway, she gave a little half smile as they encouraged her and told her he would come round and not to worry about him now.

This morning they were telling her that next year she would be front and centre on Mother’s Day. Again, she looked like someone close to her was dying and I swear that after giving them all a half smile she spent the rest of the trip trying not to burst into tears. I feel so bad for her. I don’t know her from Adam and have never spoken to her just stared at her on the bus and felt bad for her. I’m the woman who at one point envied even women who had miscarried because at least they knew they were capable of pregnancy (I got over this fast!) Here I am feeling sorry for someone who is having a completely normal, healthy pregnancy (at least from what my bus watching can determine) but who is abjectly miserable because she is married to a jerk (my assumptions based on no real facts in evidence). Ah the drama of the number 22 Bus.
Now you all think I spend all my time eavesdropping on other people. Sorry, but the bus rides are long and boring (my desolate stop is the very first so it’s a long ride) and no one else gets on at my stop and my new MP3/Video player isn’t set up yet and my CD player is busted and well I’m just a despicable person. lol

Ah well I better get to that speech and my “flat” conclusion. I need to make it sing (I think my boss is around the corner – I can hear him chatting.)

How things changed and quickly

I wrote my previous post May 11th 2006. Everything changed in 24 hrs. Here is my post from May 13th.

I was having a REALLY bad week. We saw the lawyer on Tuesday and he had nothing but bad news for us. Basically he told us that we could be waiting for up to two months to bring Sam home. I spent Tuesday and Wednesday on a constant verge of tears. Work was insane. I have my second bad cold in less than 3 weeks and it was obvious I wasn't handling the stress well. I made an appointment with my family doctor for this Friday to ask her for some time off work because really I felt so AWFUL. Then last night happened.

Just when you think your load is too difficult to bear God reaches down and lifts off the heaviest log.

Last night I climbed into bed the same time Maya did cause I was feeling crappy. We have a television in the room and Claude came in to join me. We closed the door so that the television wouldn’t disturb Maya. The phone in our bedroom doesn’t ring. Around 8:30 I thought I heard a woman’s voice and muted the television so I could determine the source of the mysterious sound. It had stopped. I chalked it up to background TV noise. Around 10 I hear the voice again – figured it out in time that time. It was our answering machine downstairs picking up because we hadn’t heard the phone. It was Sam’s adoption agency.

They had a meeting with the Children’s Aid yesterday. Sam’s grandmother isn’t handling the strain of this any better than we are. She insisted that things get moving. The CAS caved. They are going to appoint us “provisional foster parents” (I have no idea how they just wave a magic wand and make this happen) so that we can provide “respite care” for J*. We will fly to **** on Tuesday for 8 days and will get to celebrate his first birthday with him on Wednesday. :smile Also, the social worker’s neighbour has left for 2 months and the social worker is watching their house. The neighbour offered that any guests she had could stay there so the social worker has offered us this three bedroom house to stay in while we are there – no hotel! They’ve decided that we will arrange it so that Sam can spend a few nights with us while we are there (so we can be seen as providing real respite care; whatever I get to spend the night with my son :smile). I’m so excited. We’ve already got our plane tickets. All that there is left to do is pack. After we have spent a week in Thunder Bay we will come home and Sam and his grandmother will come up to Ottawa about a week later. So much to do. So little time. Ain’t it great?

I always tell people waiting to be matched not to give into the frustration of it all because it all can change so very quickly. I'm not good at heeding my own advice.

Yesterday, my little boy - looking like a surfer dude - was giggling and laughing in the back seat of the car as we played a modified version of peek-a-boo. I always talk about Sam's temper because it's so hard to deal with. I should talk more about his sense of humour because he can be so amazingly fun. He's a little comedian. He laughs at his own jokes and is just so darn cute. Sigh. Can't believe it's been a year.

Last May I Wrote the Following

Things on the adoption front aren’t going well (they aren’t falling apart they are just moving at the speed of glaciers).

Monday, I got an e-mail from the adoption agency with Sam social history. What he is doing, what he likes etc., essentially a paper picture of our little boy. We're missing soooooo much; he's such a great little kid. He's not walking yet but he's getting there. He cries if you meet him and don't acknowledge his presence. He needs to be spoken too. :lol It made me all excited reading about him.

Then yesterday came. We met with our lawyer to sign paperwork etc. The social worker had explained to us that we would have to wait about 30 days to start visiting. The lawyer had a different tale. He says he needs the following:

1) aprox. 10 days to serve the birthfather
2) 20 days for the birthfather to respond.
3) A court date to be set
4) 30 days following the court date for the appeal process.

Okay, I sat in his office and quietly freaked. Took all my effort not to burst into tears right then.

EVERYTIME we speak to someone about this adoption they tack 30 days on our wait. So I went home and wrote an e-mail to the adoption agency. Before we even started this process we asked – will this be a legally at risk adoption and were assured that the birthfather was out of the picture and that this should move smoothly. I KNEW I wasn’t cut out for this kind of stress, which is why we asked. Had I known what I know now back in April, we wouldn’t have proceeded on this adoption. As I told our social worker last night when she called to calm us down – we could have gone to the US and adopted a newborn but we didn’t because of costs. This adoption will cost more than that would have easily AND we have all this added stress and heartache.

Anyway, it seems that the lawyer MAY have overstated things some. The adoption agency BELIEVES that the Children’s Aid (I HATE the Children’s Aid, bunch of incompetent boobs!) MAY give us the go ahead to begin visiting once we have a court date which means mid-June sometime. Then again it could just as easily drag on through July (they didn’t say that but come on the first date they gave us was April 12th!) So I’m a little discombobulated and pretty much on the constant verge of tears. To make matters worse I’m sick (with a cold) AGAIN. I barely got over my last cold (I only stopped coughing about 4 days ago) and now I’m sick again. I think I may go see my doctor and take a week of sick leave to just unwind a little.

Packages in the Mail, birthdays, and various other things

So work has been quite busy but now not so much. To be honest, I’ve done about 5 minutes of real work today and I’m not shirking, that’s how much there was to do. It will likely be like this until Monday or perhaps even longer than that. Such is the life of a speechwriter. If no one is giving speeches … A colleague of mine and I were chatting and she was telling me that freelance speechwriters command really high fees (compared to my daily salary) but the downside is that when we are quiet so are they, the difference being that they don’t get paid over that quiet time. I like getting paid. Lol

This week, I mailed off 3 special packages. I’m feeling kind of proud of them although I didn’t do the hard part – all I did was make pretty covers and mail them. They are DVDs of the kids (different DVDs for each kid) highlighting the last year. The include pictures and little home movies, set to music (it’s nice to have a professional broadcast editor as a husband sometimes :)). They are our Mother’s Day presents to Sam and Kamryn’s birthmothers and Sam’s grandmother. I wasn’t going to send Sam’s grandmother one for Mother’s Day (I don’t know what I was thinking) because she is coming up to see him in a week and a half or so but I went to buy Mother’s Day cards yesterday and realized how stupid an idea waiting was.

We are still at odds with Sam’s birthmother over his name. She writes us e-mails quite often and always refers to him with his original name (it’s now his middle name). I never say anything because I don’t want to upset her. Still… it grates. It’s been a year now and well – his name is changed! I did note that she just used his initial on his birthday card, which I guess I appreciate. We chose his name based on the fact that his birthfamily didn’t use his given name and instead tended to call him by the initial. We stuck with the same initial. Otherwise his name really would have been “Sam.” Anyway, Daniel went through great lengths in editing the video (he was up until 3 am on Sunday night!) to remove all mention of his name in our home movies. Sweet of him except he didn’t tell me he had done that until yesterday (I mailed his birthmother’s copy yesterday morning). I made up little CD covers which I titled “A Journey Through my Second Year” and signed “Love Sam.” Ah well…

We are coming up on the anniversary of everything finally coming together for his adoption. This time last year I was absolutely miserable. Crying everyday miserable because things kept getting worse and worse. Today, I mailed the payment for our last bill to his adoption agency. His paperwork to finalize the adoption has been filed with the courts and we are just waiting for confirmation in the mail that that adoption has been finalized (we have no idea when it will actually happen but it should be any day now). After almost 5 years, we are finally done with attorneys, and adoption agencies, and social workers. Feels kind of odd. The tremendous bureaucracy of the adoption process has taken so much of our life up for so long; it’s hard to leave it behind. It’s a welcome load to put down though.

I’m busy planning for Sam’s second birthday party for the May long weekend. I so hope the weather is nice. We are getting (hopefully if my neighbour comes through) a bouncy house that the biggest problem will be getting Sam to share with his guests. Lol I’ve decided to go with a Finding Nemo theme (having learnt nothing from attempting to do the same thing last year for Kamryn’s birthday). He carries a little Nemo or Dory toy around wherever he goes, though; it’s definitely a favorite. The toys are actually remnants from Kamryn’s birthday cake last year. What the party will likely be (after I search everywhere and find nothing Nemo and Dory related) a party with blue and orange streamers, a Nemo cake and … well that would be it. Not that he will care. We will have a family party the following day. For that I will get a Buzz Lightening cake, another Sam Favorite. We are going to have a lot of cake.

My birthday precedes Sam’s. I didn’t think we would celebrate since it’s the day after Mother’s Day but Daniel is insisting on taking the day off work and taking me out for dinner and a movie (none of the good movies will have been released yet since my birthday is too early in May ah well). I told him that I was just flattered that he plans to do this and that it’s the thought that counts and he can work if he wants to but he is insisting. Pretty funny, I would be annoyed had he done otherwise, but now that he has I’m soooooo fine with him not doing it. Am I making any sense? Daniel’s birthday follows Sam’s (3 birthdays in 6 days) but he’s going to have to share his celebrating with Sam since his birthday is on one of Sam’s party days. Sam’s grandmother is supposed to join us for one of the parties. Don’t know which yet. Did I mention there’s going to be a ton of cake? Lol

Okay more from me later this week. I’ve been reading my journal entries from last year this time. It’s a little bizarre. Kind of like reading a book after you already know there will be a happy ending. You just want to yell at the characters – just you wait, exciting stuff will happen in chapter 2.

Locked Out.

Okay, I can’t open my filing cabinet. Ugh! This isn’t a new thing. This happens pretty much EVERY morning. As I mentioned, I come into work early so that I can leave “early.” So I’m the first one in in the morning, which is good, as no one has to see me wrestle unsuccessfully with the stupid lock every morning.

It’s a big complicated padlock – the consequence of having “Secret” documents (of which I currently have only one! Not much call for speeches with Secret content lol) and having access to our “Secret” computer system which has a removable hard drive that I must lock up each night. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong with the stupid lock, I turn it and turn it and turn it some more and then it opens and I’m happy but can I remember exactly what I did so that I can do it again the next day. Uh Unhn. Generally I’ve tried so many times by the time I eventually get it open that I’ve forgotten what I did and so the next day the process begins again. I should be better at this I’ve been opening the same version of this lock for almost 12 years now. I suck.

Anyway, I’ve found when things get really rough with the lock it’s best to take a break and try again in a few minutes. Until I get the lock open I can’t do any work because I need the stupid hard drive. Sigh. So I figured I might as well post to my blog – I told you guys you would get bored with me quick.

I have a couple of unrelated cute kids things to record and there is no better time than the present. First off – Kamryn. Kamryn and a neighbourhood boy had the CUTEST conversation, from a Mom’s perspective on Sunday. Curtis is a year older than Kamryn.

Kamryn: (Eyes wide as saucers) Are those Spider Man Shoes!?!
Curtis: Yes and when I stomp my foot the light up.
Kamryn: Wow! (Proudly) I have Pink and Red shoes.
Curtis: (Honestly interested) Do the light up?
Kamryn: I don’t know.

Curtis then lifts Kamryn’s foot (they were sitting on the steps together) and pounds it on the ground.

Curtis: (Perplexed) They don’t… Weird.

No one else (i.e. adult) saw this exchange but me. It was just hilarious to me. They were so engrossed in their little conversation. Can you imagine meeting a guy in a bar with those lines. Lol

Next, the cutest thing about Sam. Sam is a VERY cuddly, loving kid despite the tantrums. He likes to snuggle if you get him in the right mood, which is something Kamryn was never really into. The BEST thing though and the cutest is when he gives you a hug (and he’s always happy to hand those out) he accents it with an “Awwwwww….” It’s to cute and I’m guessing it’s because that’s what we used to say when he first started giving hugs so he thinks it’s part of the whole hug experience. I’m not going to tell him otherwise. :)
Finally, a cute Kamryn story from this morning. Probably only cute to her mother but it made me smile and I wanted to record it. A few weeks back – desperate for some sleep – I assuaged an awake and active Kamryn by setting her up downstairs in our family room, in front of Saturday morning TV, with her cereal and yogurt (standard breakfast fare) while I slunk back to bed. This has become an occasional “treat” although Kamryn would like to eat breakfast like that every morning. She asks pretty much every morning and pretty much every morning we say no. This morning as I was rushing around getting dressed for work she came into our room. I told her to go downstairs and play and I would come down to give her breakfast in a second. I get downstairs and she is sitting in the family room with her place set in front of her – placemat, spoon, bowl and a huge box of cereal with this big grin on her face. It was all I could do not to bust a gut. She’s just too cute sometimes. How can I argue with that?

Okay, no more stories – swimming news. I called the pool and it turns out that there was a computer error and the class is oversubscribed; however, only by one kid. Nevertheless, there are three three-year olds and the coordinator did acknowledge that that poses a specific challenge. Next class the head lifeguard will join the class to help supervise the kids. That helps soothe my worries. Tricia, there are Mommy and Me classes through age 3 but Kamryn has outgrown them ability wise. She completed level I of the preschool classes in the fall and is now on to level II so going back isn’t really an option, she would be bored. Things should be better next class though.

I feel a little bad for Sam. He should be taking swimming lessons to but:

1) I hate swimming. Well not really I just hate the hassle of getting showered and changed afterwards in a public pool. If the pool was in my backyard I’d likely be there daily. I have to go in with him and that’s a pain.
2) Sam’s behavior in swimming class is erratic. Some days he loves it; others, not so much. The not so much days are really hard. Holding a squirming uncooperative kid in a pool so he doesn’t drown can be difficult. (We did swimming last fall and last winter). On the days that he is into it, he’s quite a “talented” little swimmer (for a 2 year old). This kid has coordination that boggles the mind! He leaves Kamryn in the dust.
3) I can’t count on Daniel being around to help because of his work schedule and juggling both kids in activities is just too much for me. Kamryn is more independent so easier to handle. Whatever she is doing my biggest job is to watch and look proud – lazy mommy likes that.

Regardless, I feel guilty that he isn’t doing lessons of some sort to. In the fall I will have to sign him up for something ball related, if I dare. lol He is so very obsessed with anything spherical that it’s a big production to get him to let go once he has a ball; sharing is not his strong suit but maybe in the fall when he is older. Maybe swimming then too. He isn’t afraid of the water (or at least he wasn’t this winter.) I would like to encourage that and I’m afraid that too much time away might make him skittish of course (and I forget this) we will likely get some swimming in this summer so that should keep him “in the groove”.

Okay, I got the )(*@)$&#*(^$* lock open. Only took 15 or so tries.

Swimming

Kamryn started swimming lessons on Saturday. Kamryn unlike a lot of kids her age LOVES the water. She loves to swim and has no fear whatsoever. This isn’t a good thing because she can’t swim! A little fear would go far in preserving her life. Sigh. There are too many kids in the class in my opinion – six. Six little kids, none of whom know the slightest thing about staying a float. None of whom have any sense. Kamryn is one of the youngest and one of the shortest. This is significant because the class is held in a kiddy pool of sorts. The water in the shallow end is about 3 feet deep. Kamryn is just a little over three feet tall. See the problem. The water gets rapidly deeper (to about 4 ½ feet I think). Kamryn has a bout 4 feet of wiggle room until she can’t bounce off the bottom and surface easily. Not a lot. Kamryn doesn’t listen.

There are four other classes going on at the same time so it’s a hectic place. I spent the entire class with my eyes glued on Kamryn because I was waiting for her to get into difficulty which she did about 20 minutes into the class. Poor instructor is trying to watch all these kids AND teach them to swim. Kamryn just bounced outside her safety zone and he didn’t notice. We (me and another parent who panicked at the same time I did) had to yell at him to get him to turn around and “save” Kamryn.

I don’t know what to do. I want her to take this swimming class. She is unlikely to drown if I watch her carefully during the class but I feel I should say something to the centre about maybe adding another teacher. I don’t think they will add another teacher – I’m sure they are doing what regulations tell them they must and they are unlikely to do more. I think though if I can call and complain about a ballet class I can probably call and complain about this. This has the potential to be dangerous. I’m becoming one of “those” parents. Ah well. Lol

Of Wonderful Weather and Stay-At-Home-Momhood

We spent the entire weekend outdoors. It was amazing. Can’t believe it’s only May 1st. Seriously it was like a LATE June weekend. Saturday, the kids played out on the front lawn all day. Neighbours were out. It was just relaxing. Sunday we ended up at the park with the neighbour kids and then home for a nap and then we had a neighbourhood impromptu barbecue. My immediate neighbour, who has two kids (9 months and 3 years) said to me on Sunday – it’s so much easier to do this (i.e. hang out all day alone, sans husband, with other moms around.) Oh how true that is (Daniel worked all weekend). The time really flies when you have another adult around. You don’t even need to be chatting it’s just having another adult about. The kids help entertain each other and you have another set of eyes to help you out. It made a weekend I was kind of dreading (nice weather, no partner) so much nicer.

On Sunday when we first went out (after shopping), I looked at my watch and say that it was 11:30 and actually said in my head – okay only 25 minutes and then I can feed them lunch. They had so much fun at the park with the other kids and I was content with Mommy company that lunch didn’t happen until 12:30. The time flew and we only went in because the other kids were getting tired and cranky.

Daniel is supposed to be off this entire week (he is working Saturday I think). It’s so comfortable having him home. It makes me relax. I shouldn’t though because it always changes and I get disappointed but for now the week has begun with my being relaxed and that’s nice.

I had a dream last night that someone called to attack me about cheating my kids because I wasn’t a stay-at-home Mom. Odd because I’ve never really felt that way. Maybe my self-concious is working though things?

My kids come before work ALWAYS (i.e. I get up super early to make it into work early so that I can get home early in the afternoon to be with the kids; I refuse non-essential travel; I’ve “mommy-tracked” my career a wee bit because my family is my priority) but I’ve never felt they were missing out because I’m a working Mom. Moreover, I’m proud of the example I’m setting for both of them that Mom can be the breadwinner. It doesn’t have to be Daddy. Mom can get an education. Mom can have a good job. Kamryn called to me as I left this morning (after we’d already said our goodbyes) “have fun, Maman.” Made me smile. Except for the fact that any kid would be bored to tears job shadowing me I would be so proud to bring her to work in a couple of years on those “bring a kid for work days.” I’m thinking it would be much more fun to run around a TV station with her father. Still she will know that gender roles are not graven in stone. I like that AND my kids have an amazing relationship with their father and I like that too.

On a good work related note - after a harrowing Friday at work (the Minister must have changed his mind 8 times in 48 hours) - I completed my first real/important speech. Tonight, I hope to watch it delivered in the House of Commons. I'm very proud of myself. :)

Parlez-Vous Anglais?

So one of my neighbours asked me on the weekend if Sam spoke English. Too funny. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I was home with him this crucial year of language acquisition and I know what that specific year meant to Kamryn (a year with my parents and she was jabbering away in English). Maybe it’s because I worried that since he had very little French exposure as an infant he was going to be at a disadvantage. Maybe because he seemed to be having language problems. Whatever the reason I almost exclusively speak French to him. I speak English to Kamryn. It’s just Sam that I’ve gotten into the habit of speaking to this way. Consequently (or maybe despite of) he speaks much MORE French that Kamryn did at the comparable age. On the other hard, it’s also possible that that’s the reason I do it. Dunno.

We’re in a window that with both kids that is about to close with Kamryn, I think (once she starts school). That time where they don’t realize that speaking French is “wrong.” I say wrong because that is what happens here. Kids go to school (and in many cases this happens before school even) and discover the wide world of English and resent speaking French. It’s seen somehow as second best. My boss’s kid told him one day – “don’t speak French; speak Canadian.” Ouch! I have two neighbours with little boys around Kamryn’s age (one 7 weeks older, one 6 months younger) and both kids see speaking French as a chore (they both have one francophone parent in the family like our household but didn’t, like we did, teach their child French from infancy. Both started around their third birthdays.). Right now, Kamryn still sees it as a privilege. I’m not looking forward to the uphill slog that is coming when she doesn’t want to speak it anymore. I already have to work to make sure she speaks French instead of English to Sam.

Today Daniel has to register both kids for summer camp. They will hopefully go two mornings a week. It should help Sam’s language skills immensely (fingers crossed) and hopefully his behavior as well. Both things worry me. When Kamryn started preschool she was 6 months older than he is now. We impressed upon her that they only speak French at preschool (BIG RULE!) and she got it relatively easily. She had an early and somewhat remarkable talent to differentiate between the two languages (many bilingual kids don’t figure this out until much much later). I don’t think Sam differentiates at all (perhaps this is my fault for not speaking more English to him). He finds a word and he uses it – whichever is more convenient. On the other hand he doesn’t use a lot of English words: Go, Car, milk, dog, horse …. Okay those are the only ones I can think of off the top of my head so I’m probably worrying for nothing. Lol His behavior worries me immensely.

1. He is completely incapable of sharing not horribly unusual for a kid his age I guess although it wasn’t a big problem with Kamryn.
2. He is incapable of being distracted.
3. He melts down whenever he doesn’t get his way (see point 1 and 2).
4. Oh and he likes to hit and bash other children with whatever he happens to have in his hand. (see point 1 and 2 and 3!)

Ughhhh…. He is going to be the youngest in the class too. Don’t know if he’ll last the summer before they boot him out and I need him to not only last the summer but continue in the fall. This will be stressful for me anyways. If he makes it, it will be so good for him. Oh please.

So I'm annoyed

Am I overreacting?

Kamryn is enrolled in a “pre-ballet” class run by the city (so it’s cheap!). It’s not dance studio quality but we don’t expect that; she’s never going to be a prima ballerina. I just wanted a programme to channel some of her energy and for her to have fun. It meets that criteria and best of all is held at the community centre a 3-minute walk from our house. This is the third session she has been enrolled in. Last night was their fourth class. Both sessions prior to this one had an enrollment of at least 8 students. This particular class only had 5, two of the students (sisters) had only come to the first class.

I raced home from work (I leave early on Tuesdays to get her there one time). We shoveled her dinner into her, hurriedly changed her clothes and literally ran the whole way to the community centre for the class. We get there and their instructor, Jessica, is standing in the hall waiting to great us. She informs us that if the two little girls who hadn’t been coming didn’t show this evening that she wasn’t authorized to teach the class and that the class would be cancelled (the other two students who had been coming did show). Class is supposed to start at 6. So we stand around waiting (and complaining to Jessica, who didn’t make this cockamamie decision) until 6:10. Just before we are about to pack it in the two little girls and their mother arrive late. Well bubblecakes!

1) These kids are registered in the course. They have paid their money, what does it matter that they don’t come to the classes!
2) Doesn’t the class coordinator have a phone? Couldn’t he have called and warned us of this possibility? Has he ever had to tell a three-year old that was looking forward to something that they couldn’t do it?
3) Couldn’t he have contacted the missing kid's parents in the 7 intervening days between the last class and last night's class and maybe NOT made the decision at the last freaking moment. (Parent of the girls tells us she had a message left on her answering machine about their attendance the same day as the class; now she could have been lying but I don’t think so).

Anyway, I wasn’t going to call and complain because what good will it do – but I got myself all worked up and have now left a message for the coordinator to call me back (my experience is that I will likely have to call him back! Grrrrr!). Would you let it slide? Do I need to take a valium?

Oops one last thing before I go and earn my salary.

Easter.

I forgot all about Easter. We had a good Easter. All four of us went to Church. I was dreading this. We have been avoiding Church for months because it is always awful. I don’t know if it was the crowds our timing or that he’s just getting older but Sam was tolerable, even “good” throughout mass. Yes we had to leave a couple of times but I think that is pretty normal with a child his age. There was a minimal of yelling and I actually got to participate in most of the mass. Kamryn was exceptionally well behaved (for Kamryn anyways). I was proud of them both. We had a quiet Easter spent with family. The Easter bunny came after mass and brought the kids a tasteful amount of “stuff” with an emphasis on “stuff” rather than candy. The kids loved their baskets. We had dinner at my parents house and everyone had a great time. Here is a picture we snapped before we charged off to Church:

So have I mentioned I'm back to work. lol

So I’m back to work. I had a dream of sorts realized – of sorts – I’m a writer. Not the kind of writer I dream of being. I have this romantic notion of being an OpEd writer for a major newspaper and well that ship has sailed and I wasn’t on it. I didn’t even make it to the dock to see it disappear off the horizon. This is a close 43rd though so I’ll settle for it . I’m a speechwriter.

My real live job title is “Policy Development Officer.” I’m one of about 100. In order to keep us current on relevant every two or three year they move us around to do different things. In my last position I was one of 3 civilians policy officers working on NATO policy. I was responsible for our bilateral Defence relations with Easter Europe. I was responsible to foreign military training in Canada and I handled out Afghanistan deployment file as part of a larger team. All operational, pointy end stuff. This is my first foray, within my ten-year career, into the public policy side of the house. I didn’t know what I would be doing until a few days before I came in. I was mildly surprised to learn yesterday that this isn’t the most popular of postings. It has such great potential for career advancement. You get face-to-face time with senior staff on a regular basis (4 or us write speeches for the Minister of Defence, the Chief of Defence and the Deputy Minister of Defence with the odd Member of Parliament thrown in for good measure), you are allowed to escape bureaucratic speak and really right real stuff and best of all – it’s a portable skill. For the first time since I started working her I have an exportable skill. Not much call for defence policy advisors in the public sector. Anyways, I’m happy.

It had looked that I might be able to duck travel in this job as well but we had a big meeting yesterday and one of the things discussed was getting us out into the world more so that we are writing about experiences rather than things we have read about. So it looks like there will be some travel involved mostly in the summer months when speeches dwindle. I like the idea of experiencing things though – I would really love to fly in a CF-18. Don’t think that’s going to happen though. Lol

My office is adorned with pictures of the kids and is sooooooo quiet it’s hard to believe. I haven’t had to tell even one of my colleagues to stop biting one another or not to throw food even once. And no one naps here (so not everything is wonderful). The kids seem to have adjust well although Kamryn asked me all weekend why I wasn’t at work. She is very interested in my schedule but she’s a schedule obsessed kind of person – “where are we going today Maman” being a constant question. Sam is a little more huggy – that I will take any day – but apart from that doesn’t seem to have suffered any ill effects. I think this might be good for both of us. When Daniel isn’t home both kids go to my parents for the day. So far, so good. We’ll see how that works. I have Sam on a waiting list for daycare (he has been since February) because I’m not certain my poor mother can handle him full time but we’ll see.

Okay I’m going to do some actual work now.

Meltdowns (maybe I should have a couple)

Okay as you may have gathered, I am back to work. VERY different than when I returned to work after Kamryn. I was so looking forward to returning. When I went back after Kamryn, that first week, whenever anyone asked how it was it was all I could do not to burst into tears having left my baby behind. This time, I was apprehensive about how I was going to handle things (so far it’s not going too badly) but the break is nice. Staying home with two kids under 4 is really hard especially when one of them is particularly demanding.

Yesterday I went back to read the journal entry on the first day we brought Sam home. It made me feel so much better – I’ll reprint part of it here.

So Sam arrived on 6th at around 2 in the afternoon. It was awful day. He cried and cried and cried some more. It was HOT! He was tired having missed his afternoon nap and apparently not eaten much of anything on the drive up (I have no idea why they didn't feed him). The house was filled with confusion and people. If I were a year old I would have melted down to. We gave him and Kamryn a bath together supposedly because he loved baths. He screamed through the whole thing but went down to bed all right. Ugh! His grandmother actually told the social worker as she drove her to the place she was spending the night that she was afraid we'd change our minds because he was crying so much (no real chance of that happening.

I was worrying that maybe we have some how damaged him. He is so happy and funny and enjoyable to be with when he is engaged in an activity that he enjoys but if you interrupt that activity either because it time to do something else (eat, sleep, go somewhere) or the activity is a danger to his life he completely melts down and is uncontrollable. He screams and cries and screams and cries and screams and cries some more. He is inconsolable and you can’t distract him with something else (i.e. If you give him a toy he will throw it at you with all the force he can muster). I kept asking myself if this was a behavior we have taught him. I know it’s just who he is and I know he has always been like this but it’s hard not to question yourself. It was such a relief to see what I wrote that first week we had him. I now understand what I was seeing then a little better. Yes it was the situation but to a large extent it was just HIM. He has gotten better but it’s so hard.

On Sunday, Daniel was working and it was pouring rain out so we drove Daniel to work and then I took the kids to the mall. The mall wasn’t opened yet so I figured we’d just take a little walk. I let Sam out of his stroller. I shouldn’t have. He does so much better with strict boundaries/controls but how’s he ever going to get any exercise if I keep him tied down. He is running and playing with Kamryn. The first store ride they see they are all over. I let them play for awhile as we aren’t really there for any reason but to let them do just that. After awhile, as I see Sam start to spiral into overexcitedness I move them along. They are good until the next set of mall rides. I let them play again. Sam starts to ramp up and he’s getting more and more kinetic. He’s bouncing from one ride to the next, not staying on any one (there were a cluster of 4) for longer than 10 seconds. I was getting tired of helping him up and then helping him down two seconds later. And it was almost like he was approaching an fit of agitation. So we moved on.

We walked for a few metres, I was holding his hand in an attempt to reign him in. He didn’t want to hold my hand and started crying and pulling away. Then he pretended he wanted to hold the stroller (this boy of mine is SMART!) So I let him hold the stroller. He holds the handle for about a second and a half and then he gets this little grin and bolts. Stupid mommy let him do this twice before I put him in the stroller. Total meltdown now. Screaming, crying, yelling at the top of his little lungs “Maman, march” (Mommy, walk) as if I’m torturing him. This is all my fault. Sigh. Had I left him in the stroller to start off with he would likely have remained calm but no I had to let him walk and play. No we’re not making a spectacle of ourselves at all. lol I’m not letting him out of the stroller because I know what he will do. He will bolt again. He doesn’t really learn. So we walk the indomitable length of the mall with him screaming and everyone staring at us. I go down to the parking garage (he’s still screaming). I put him in his car seat (still screaming) and I leave the stroller next to the car and go and sit on a bench in front of the car with Kamryn while he continues to scream. This man comes out of the mall, hears Sam screaming though the closed and locked car. Looks at the stroller, peers though our tinted windows at the screaming child and finally turns around and sees me – I told him he’s mine and I know he is screaming. Man says nothing and just walks away. Sigh. Now I’m really feeling like Bad Mommy #1. It’s what he needs though. I go and have a pointless “conversation” with him as he sobs about behaving and sitting in his stroller (I do it because I just can’t give in but you have to give in because he will simply scream until he falls asleep). I tell him that if he stops screaming he can get back to the mall. He stops – kind of. The whole incident from first scream to last – 40 minutes. In a PUCLIC PLACE (we would have just gone home except Kamryn doesn’t deserve to be punished just because her brother is out of control). Ugh! I put him in his stroller and he is FINE for the remainder of the morning. Shopped, took them to the mall’s indoor park etc. When it was time to leave the park he did so happily and without protest. I don’t get it.

We went out to a friend's for dinner that evening. He was destroying the people’s house (and they have two kids of their own so it’s pretty much child proofed) so I take him and make him sit on my lap – more screaming, kicking, and fighting. It was embarrassing. Thankfully Daniel (who was coming late as he was working) called at that moment and I excused myself to go and pick Daniel up at the bus station. I took the little “tornado” (as our host called him and she was right!) with me because taking him out of the situation was the only way to break the tantrum. He screamed throughout the 5 minute drive to the bus station and then was somewhat out of control for the remainder of the evening but Daniel was their to tag team with me so it was easier. That’s a typical day with Sam.
He does better with Daniel. I’m easier to manipulate maybe? Not to say he doesn’t melt down but his meltdowns have a beginning, a middle, and an end. With me the end never seems to come. He just screams and screams. Sigh. Work gives me a respite and it’s easier to deal with his challenges this way.

Daniel has been working weekends of late and having his “weekend” in the middle of the week (this sucks IMHO as we are never off together but is better for the kids so we persevere). It should be interesting to see if his behavior changes spending time with his father rather than me being around all the time.

Fat Pants SAVE ME!

For the first time in years I NEED to lose twenty pounds rather than I would like to. I literally have nothing to wear. I spent a chunk of change the week before I returned to work to buy some contingency clothes – two and a half (with mixing and matching) outfits to help tied me over until I lose at least ten pounds but that’s it. I refuse to dump all the perfectly good clothes in my closet just because I spent a year as a couch potato. I had such plans of all the funs things I was going to do with Sam while Kamryn was as school. The walks we would take the activities we would do but the kid just exhausts me doing normal stuff and all the extras I had planned just didn’t happen. So we didn’t take long happy strolls to the park as I did with Kamryn and I didn’t exercise. I just couldn’t get motivated. What I did do was eat. I eat when I’m stressed and I eat when I am bored and there was much of that over the last year. I knew I was doing it and I just did. I chowed down. I ordered fast food. I ate like I was condemned and now I am … It’s shocking what clothes won’t fit me. It’s embarrassing. SO on my return to work I have buckled down most literally. I have a supply of Nutrigrain bars, tea, and cup a soup in my office and I’ve returned to my “roots.” It’s how I did it 7 years ago (that and Weight Watchers). It will be how I do it again. I’ve had a bunch of false starts over the past year – I lost about ten pounds last fall for Sam’s baptism and went of the wagon at the baptism and never got back on. Being at work, far from the fridge SHOULD help. Nutrigrain bar for breakfast in the morning. Cup-a-soup and crackers or a small sandwich for lunch (hopefully augmented by a fruit of some sort). Reasonably portioned dinner, cooked in my own kitchen.

I know the first two weeks are the hardest to get through and then it’s easy so I have a week more to go and I’ll be home free. I’ve been helped out a little because for some reason the roof of my mouth is raw (I might have burned it on some lo-cal pizza I had for lunch on Saturday). It’s painful to eat anything solid anyways. It’s kind of a blessing. Yesterday for lunch I had a yogurt smoothie (8 points total which works when you’ve only spent 2-points on breakfast. Don’t frown when not dieting I NEVER eat breakfast so two points is an achievement) because I just could not bear the thought of having to chew anything.

Every evening I stand in my closet frowning at my clothes and panicking about what I can find to squeeze my thighs into in the morning. To make matters worse, one of the outfits I bought (never shop when you are in a hurry and depressed about being fat!) I bought a size too big (yes I DID try them on in the store) and had to bring in to have altered because the first day I wore it I almost went mad with constantly hitching up the pants. So I’m short a pair of fat pants.

Me thinking evil thoughts about COMPLETE strangers

Well you’re all going to get bored with me. Very bored. I’ve lost my beloved Friends by Adoption. Well not really. It’s still there and I’m still allowed to visit just not from work. What a cruel, cruel fate. I have the gift of the gab and that was generally my favorite place to go and gab. I started back to work last week (more on that later) and immediately on getting my internet hooked up I flew to the site (where I hadn’t been in several days due to an evil, evil virus at home – more on that later too). I had wondered about access and I had access. I was a happy hombre (well not really an hombre but you know that). I read a few posts. I posted a little update on myself and then I went to do some real work. When I went back to access the site later “poof” my computer can’t even see it. In my year at home, I have forgotten the annoyance of internet access from “here.” It’s sporadic at best. They block out sites for no obvious rhyme or reason and then poof one day you can access them again. You never know when or why. My fingers are crossed that this “ban” is only temporary.” In the meantime I will just come here and fill this blog with all the nonsensical notions that come to mind. :)

Like this morning – a yucky, wet, cold morning. I was forced to sit crammed on a bus on the way to work behind two twenty something women. Ick! Now I have nothing against twentysomething women in general and these women are probably very nice (not that I will ever know) and really didn’t do ANYTHING to me. What bothered me? They were eating. I sat down, ready to be grumpy. It was raining. I was wet. My pants were wet, my tights were wet my hair was a mess and I have an icky cold – so generally Ms. Grumps. Then I smell something. Something resembling wet wool socks. Not unusual considering the mass of sopping humanity surrounding me. But not it wasn’t one of my unfortunate bus mates it was a bag of Doritos “Scoops” Tortilla chips. This was Twentysomething girl #1’s breakfast I guess and she was going at it heartily. Nibbling each chip as if it were her last and she had to be careful not to finish it too quickly. Licking each of her fingers after each slimy chip. Oh Gawd… YUCK, YUCK, YUCK! It was 7:20 am by the way. Maybe I’m weird but I can’t abide watching anyone eat chips. It disgusts me. At 7:20 in the morning it disgusted me more and she ate the stupid things all 35 minutes we were on the bus together, pretty much. Her seatmate twentysomething girl #2 wasn’t much better but I was only judgmental about her – not sickened. She has a few pounds to lose (as do I so I shouldn’t throw stones) and her breakfast … an M&M chocolate chip cookie. I couldn’t really see her though as I was directly behind her.

I privately snickered to myself about their breakfast choices and telepathically told them that their twentysomething bodies would get old eventually and these breakfast choices wouldn’t serve them well. I guess the good thing about it is they have emboldened my diet efforts. More in my next entry.

Some comments on my comments :)

First, I love comments. :) Makes me feel loved. I love you guys.

Our computer is in our dining room (beautifully furnished as my house is lol) which is open to the living room. Out our front window, when I look over my shoulder from this seat all I see is my neighbour's house. It fills the window. I'm hoping that when the weather warms up I can grab her one day and ask her how it's going without being too pushy. Give her an open door that she can come through if she wants to. I actually was going to drop her an e-mail, which is the easiest way I know to be unobtrusive but my laptop died a month ago with ALL my e-mail address. I have them saved somewhere else but it will be pain to retrieve them. I guess I have to unlazify myself.

I forget that most people reading my blog aren't Canadians and aren't into "Canadaspeak." We are obsessed here with what language people speak.

Fran·co·phone or fran·co·phone: A French-speaking person, especially in a region where two or more languages are spoken.

An·glo·phone also an·glo·phone: An English-speaking person, especially one in a country where two or more languages are spoken.

We also have:

Allophone: A person whose native language is other than French or English.

Interestingly for allophone, when you look it up in the dictionary it is actually listed (with this specific definition) as a uniquelly "Canadian" word. Daniel regularly claims to be an allophone as he is a french speaking person NOT born in Quebec (the PROPER birthpalce of all french at least according to Quebecers). He complains that they would complain his french isn't french enough.

More musing on my guilt and how lucky our family is.

I talked about that night in the bar when I stared at the TV. That night something HUGE happened. I guess ALL my neighbours got taught a lesson. We are all sitting there crammed into the booth. When the chat turned to the convenience of pregnancy one of my neighbours (oddly she lives next to the neighbour I wrote about last time) exchanged a funny look with me. A kind of “the are such idiots” look. It was quick and fast and confused the living daylights out of me (since no one ever understands really and she looked like she did) for a little while. Mystery was soon revealed though as they turned (like wild hyenas on the hunt)and started peppering her with when her and her husband were going to start having kids. Never, I will NEVER ask anyone when they “plan” to start their family (I was as guilty as the next guy before I met the infertility goddess). She looked down at the table for a few minutes and then she burst into tears and said “R and I can’t have babies.” Everyone shut up.

She went on to reveal later in the conversation that her and her husband were looking into adoption. Over the next few weeks I rendered all the help I could. I told her my door was open if she wanted to chat or needed any help. I recommended books she should read and people she should talk to. I sent her web site addresses. I was like a living breathing information booth. She sent me a few e-mails and we chatted a teensy bit when we saw one another but once they had found and agency and knew what they wanted to do, my mentoring job came to an abrupt end as it was obvious she really didn’t want a mentor. So I backed off. They pretty much disappeared. They have really withdrawn from neighbourhood activities. I know why; same reason I withdrew from babyshowers. We really live in helltown if you’re infertile. When we moved here 6 years ago everyone was relatively newly married (the couple I am speaking of got married a few months after they moved in) and no one had any children. Since then 16 children have been born or adopted (mine) in houses within 6 doors (both sides of the street) of mine. It’s got to be hellish. Kamryn was baby #4 or I’d probably be a complete basket case by now. All street activities are centered around this mass of preschoolers, toddlers and infants. We all sit out on our front lawns and chat as the kids play in the driveways. No wonder that this couple lives in their basement! Really NICE people too (didn’t ya know that only nice people have infertility problems lol). Mom-to-be is a preschool teacher. For YEARS she has been the one giving Mommy advice to everyone because she was the most experienced. Ugh!


So wouldn’t ya know they decided to adopt from Russia. They told me that they didn’t want to wait for domestic adoption. I don’t know because I know we aren’t the typical waiting family but I really think people have the wrong idea of the wait. As I said though I have no idea. They wanted a Caucasian baby as they felt their child would have enough to deal with (they are kind of an interesting couple. Husband is 5’6” and wife is 6’1”, husband is francophone, wife Anglophone) without also being a different race. Or maybe they just said that so I would not think they were prejudiced – little did they know how normal I think their desire was. There is a good reason Sam and Kamryn are biracial and not Caucasian or black; I didn’t want my family to have to deal with the overt challenge that comes with interracial adoption either although I respect those that CAN do it. Anyway they choose Russia.

Right after they told me this I heard Russia was closed although my sources were US sources so I didn’t know the real story for Canadians. It didn’t sound good though. I asked them about it and they gave kind of an incomplete answer that I didn’t push because at this point they had to know more than me. I am a font of information (god I'll talk your ear off) on those subjects I have some knowledge of; I do know when to shut up though. When our social worker came for her last visit for Sam’s adoption (so this February) I mentioned it to her and she winced noticeably. Ugh! It’s been 2 years since that conversation in the bar and no sign of any baby anytime soon.

Their’s is the house I see when I look out my front window. I’m not sure what is going on with them. They were the first neighbours on our doorstep with a coming home present for both Kamryn and Sam. I haven’t seen the wife since last fall maybe. I see R more often because he was out this winter snow blowing the driveway and when I was working (and soon will be again) I used to bump into him at the bus stop. I don’t want to ask (if I ever actually saw them!) because I know answering can be very hard when nothing is happening. Still I really would like to offer support. They had talked about maybe having a baby home for last Christmas. I feel bad once again. Not the fairest world we live in.

From the Sublime to the Utterly ridiculous

I mentioned the shoes in my last entry... Well yesterday we got a package in the mail from Striderite.



They have GOT to be kidding. I totally cracked up. It is rather wasteful though. What in tarnation are we supposed to do with all these stupid flowers. We have 17! I called my friend (party host) and told her she could keep the one she found as a gift from us or we'd have 18!

Our Striderite Saga

Kamryn has these shoes:



Note the attractive flower buckle. It is in reality not a buckle but simply there as an ornament. The strap is fastened using velcro. The flower simply slips over the strap and the velcro in theory holds it in place.

This would work wonderfully if I was parenting an angelic and sedate little princess. What I have instead is a cross between Denise the Menace and the Tasmanian Devil (wouldn't change her ... most days lol). The velcro strap keeps the shoes on but often does not stay in place well enough to keep the flower on and said flower has dropped off a couple of times. I'm generally around to find it quickly.

Last Saturday we were at a party (adult party; where we foolishly brought the kids with permission of the host and EVERY intention of leaving before 9 which we did). Kamryn had a ball. There was a little girl there just a bit older than her and the two got on like gang busters and spent the two hours or so we were there playing hide and seek and tag and all sorts of other preschool games. The party was at a large house and Kamryn fell on some ice in the dark when we were leaving (these facts will readily become relevant). When we got home she was short exactly one flower. Sigh.

I figured it was toast. The computer was on (when is it not) so I e-mailed Striderite for help. I explained the situation and asked about purchasing (ha! As if I was really going to do that? Couldn't be presumptuous though) a pair of the flowers. While we waited, I called our host and mentioned the lost flower and we drove by her home and scouted outside JUST in case the flower had fallen off during Kamryn's tumble. No joy.

Promptly on Monday morning Striderite answered my e-mail, volunteering (as I had expected and would have been put out had they not) to send me a complimentary set. I was pleased with the customer service and told them as much. :) Then I told them I lived in Canada. Tears all around (not really). Bottom line was though they couldn't ship to Canada. Not a huge problem I thought I know enough people with addresses in the U.S. to impose upon but they offered and easier solution - a Canadian customer service toll free number. So I called. They were equally as helpful (if a little more confused - it was an ODD conversation to say the least; I think I knew the product better than they did) and offered to send me a pair of the flowers which they implied were just sitting in a bin right next to their phone waiting for just such a call as mine. I gave them my name and address and took the helpful customer service representative's name. Okay that was Tuesday. Wednesday we went out shopping for new shoes for Sam. While we were at the store which happened to be the same store in which I purchased Kamryn's shoes I asked non-chalantly about replacement flowers. They had some, did I want them. Ummmm.... sure. So we got flowers. I happily put them on her shoes when I got home. So now I have new flowers, flowers in the mail and one spare old flower. Hey April showers ... Today the host of last week's party calls. Guess what? She found the flower. So now we have SIX little metal flowers. Nuts.

As an interesting aside, I must take a picture of the shoes we bought for Sam in comparison to the shoes he had been wearing uncomplainingly. Lordy!





In our defence, these weren't shoes he wore often as they were his "Sunday-go-to-meeting" shoes and he doesn't go anywhere most Sundays AND the new ones are intentionally a little to big to give him room to grow. Still, I felt a little bad. He didn't complain even once - honest!

Embarassed By How Easy "Having" Kids Was

You know as much as we struggled to build our family I never thought I would feel guilty about what we have. Well not guilty per se but you will see what I mean. Two weeks ago my across the street neighbour gave birth to a little girl, who they named Carissa, at 26 weeks. She weighed barely a pound and only lived long enough for them to say their good byes. Obviously they are devastated. They have an older boy who is 7 weeks older than Kamryn.

When he was about a year old they started trying for #2. They were annoyingly cavalier about it. I wanted to just yell at her on more than one occasion. I remember sitting in a neighbourhood bar one evening watching television and trying to ignore the conversation while all the neighbourhood ladies chatted (I stared hard at the TV because it was the ONLY way not to cry). She used to say things like “well, if I don’t get pregnant this month it will be a pain because if a baby were to be born in such and such a month yadda yadda yadda...” Okay I understand they joy of being able to plan a pregnancy but I don’t want to hear about how a baby would be inconvenient. “Just be damn happy you can get pregnant at all” is what I was thinking as I quietly seethed. Well she got pregnant at a convenient time for her, announced her pregnancy before the pee dried on the stick and miscarried at around 11 weeks or so. I felt bad for her but part of me was thinking of that evening and her pontifications about “convenience” (okay so this is partially the source of my guilt; while I in no way think anyone DESERVES to go through a miscarriage, at the time, it did cross my mind that she had been taught a harsh lesson).

It wasn’t convenient for them to try again for a while – I know all the reasons because she elaborated them in great detail with pregnancy #2. A while later, she got pregnant again. No fanfare or announcements this time. She quietly commented to me that she was pregnant. Both her, and my next-door neighbour were pregnant together. She miscarried before she started to show. :( Every time I look at my next-door neighbour’s little girl I imagine the painful memories she must engender for across the street neighbour. What was and what will never be.

So it’s cold here and after Halloween we generally don’t see much of the neighbours. You wave as you dart in and out of cars, you chat briefly while shoveling the driveway, but long deep conversations are few and far between. We never got around to having our annual New Year’s Eve Street party this year either. A couple of times I looked at my neighbour and thought she looked like she was putting on some weight. I wondered but said nothing because good grief I’d hate to be wrong! In February my next-door neighbour had a birthday party for her son and for the first time, to me, it was obvious – no heavy coats to peer through and well she was in her second trimester heading into her third. We chatted a little. She was so cautious about her “little one”. So different than before. There was no confidence and that was very sad (no pleasing me I guess). But she was sooooooo far along. I didn’t think twice about the risks and I really should know better. My thoughts were about what to buy her baby when they brought her home; that and trying to guesstimate her due date based on the size of her belly because I didn’t want to ask outright. Her belly really was the elephant in the room. Nothing like a normal pregnant lady - averted eyes and let’s chat about anything but the pregnancy. It was a little bizarre. I’ll also admit that I was a little jealous but that part of me isn’t so ravenous anymore. We’re content with our family.

Her early delivery was unexpected. They’d had an amniocentesis at 20 weeks and it was COMPLETELY normal. The baby was measuring a little small but it wasn’t a huge concern. It should have been although there isn’t anything anyone could have done. Her autopsy showed that she was small because a “venous cord insertion” was starving her of nutrients. She was perfect. :( No one could have fixed it and nothing could have been done. It was a freak occurrence. That doesn’t make it easier to deal with.

So here we are. When Paul, her son, was born we had no idea that Kamryn would ever exist. I didn’t go to her baby shower, just sent a present and made an excuse, because I couldn’t handle it. When he came home I remember visiting and being so jealous – completely oblivious to what the future held for us. He was a month old when we began to even hope we would get matched with Kamryn’s birthmother. Kamryn and Paul are good buddies. They are so close in age and play well together. It occurs to me that they must have been trying to get pregnant when we brought Sam home last summer. With the weather warming up now and the kids outside once again playing, I found myself standing in the driveway last week, with my neighbour, as Paul, Kamryn and Sam tore around – being kids and I felt bad that their weren’t four or five kids there. Embarrassed for my two and how “easy” it was for us. Then I smack myself in the head and ask whom am I kidding and then I go back to realizing how easy it was for us. Sigh.

Well... No More Babies

Today we hit a milestone that I'm a little sad about because it is really driving home that Sam isn't a baby anymore. Duh! You might say as I often do (internally) when I hear people bemoan that their 3-year-old has abandonned the last vestiges of babyhood. Now that I'm here I understand a little more what those Moms were saying/feeling. He's our last and we had so little of his babyhood as it was. Only now that I see it fading (and fast!) am I understanding how much we missed. He was walking within weeks of coming home so not a lot of infant left in him even then.

Anyway, back to milestones. Today we took the kids to the indoor play yard at the local mall. They LOVE to go there and we are there once or twice a week, sometimes more. There is a special toddler area where I always encourage Sam to stay in. He doesn't. He wants to follow his big sis around. The kid area has a sizeable play structure and two slides. Access is gained via a slippery ramp at one end or some giant steps (3 feet or so in height) at the other. I maintained that while I wouldn't help him up at either end, once he could negotiate the entrances on his own he was free to climb on up. Until today, he couldn't and would spend his time running happily on the floor level. Today he made it up the ramp. Slow and steady and with lots of glances at me as he negotiated the slippery rise. That was the first time up. By the second he was just flying. He had a great time and it wasn't as impossible to get him down when we wanted to leave as I'd anticipated (parents aren't allowed to climb on the structure so if Johnny won't come when called you are S.O.L.)

As I watched him run about happily and so VERY proud of himself it hit hard that there is very little baby left in my baby. I'm pretty proud of him though and I still got to carry my exhausted little one up to his crib when we got home as he passed out the moment the car started moving in a forward direction. For now, I'll hold on to that.

Who has abducted the boy I know and love.

I had the oddest of mornings with my little man. I know I have complained here about our music class. I HATE going. Sam is always out of control. He melts down about 80 times a class. We often have to leave and stand in the hall and ALL the other kids always seemed so well behaved. It’s exhausting. It’s embarrassing and it’s somewhat worrisome. He just doesn’t seem normal when we’re at that class. I think he IS normal, just spirited, but it’s hard to believe after that class. This morning I was particularly dreading going.

Let me drift back in time a little. Yesterday, Kamryn had a play date with Jordan, her best buddy. We dropped her off at 10 am and Daniel, Sam and I went to the mall to just hang out and be out of the house. At around 11 we stopped for coffee. Sam sipped some milk and munched on one breadstick. We left to pick Kamryn up for 1 pm. Sam crashed in the car – not having had any lunch. I figured either he would wake up when we got home and I would feed him then or he would sleep through until around 2 ish and then wake starving. He was soundly asleep when we got home so I put him down. He didn’t wake up until after 4! (we had been out extra late with him the night before so he was tired) I figured he had to be hungry so I immediately served him his dinner (don’t normally eat until around 6). I cut up some roast chicken for him and offered nothing else since I anticipated a battle. I wasn’t wrong. He wanted nothing to do with the roast chicken and asked to be let down. So I did. He didn’t ask for anything else. At 6 when I was serving everyone else I again offered the roast chicken along with some broccoli because that is what everyone else was having (we had hot chicken sandwiches). Had he eaten one piece of chicken (just one!) I would have given him a slice of bread as well. Never got that far. He ate the broccoli and then told me he was done. He refused to touch the chicken (it wasn’t breaded and fried so likely poisonous in his estimation I’m sure) and again did not ask for ANYTHING else. Put him down.

He went to bed on time and, unusual for him when he hasn’t eaten dinner, didn’t ask for milk. This morning I figured he would be ravenous. Made him his cereal and apple sauce for breakfast (staple breakie) and left Daniel to feed him while I went to get dressed. We were all really late. Daniel calls up to me after a bit – I have good news and bad news he says. Okay, what’s the good news. The good news is Sam ate all his cereal. The bad news… he then proceeded to throw it all up. Ugh! Bring him upstairs, take his temperature – normal. The whole time he is asking to eat. Now Sam is a gagger. He does it on purpose when he doesn’t like something OR wants something else. It’s annoying. However, there was no reason for him to have done it this morning. Daniel speculated that maybe he fed him too fast (we were late as I mentioned). He wasn’t acting sick and he didn’t have a temperature so we continued on with our plans for today (i.e. music class). We didn’t put anything else into his tummy because we wanted to be certain he wasn’t actually ill. I did pack some snacks and milk with me as I left the house though. Nevertheless, a hungry Sam is normally an IMPOSSIBLE Sam thus my reluctance to go to class. I was prepared for him to be horrid.

We got to the class and one of the mothers had brought her 4-year old along. They were hanging up their coats as we got there and Sam who is going through a stranger anxiety phase was stopped in his tracks. He wouldn’t even come into the class and just hung on my leg. Very odd. I picked him up and we went and sat down. He sat in my lap, quietly. That NEVER happens normally I spend half the class holding him down. He normally runs in mad “please chase me circles” around the class whenever I let him up. He got up once or twice but never went far and always came right back to me. He sat in the “story circle” on his own and calmly listened to the story. He passed instruments, when that was what we supposed to be doing, calmly. He didn’t melt down even once. All these things seem pretty typical but NEVER have they EVER happened. It’s with good reason I hate this class. Sam is normally the topic of discussion at the end of class. I always get “I don’t know how you do it;” “doesn’t he tire you out;” “I bet he will nap well.” Today everyone including me was stunned by his behavior. He asked me for milk once only and I told him he could have some after class and he was fine with that.

After class, I gave him his milk and he drank all of it, and then was content. He has been pretty calm since then with only one minor meltdown (after sitting for 15 minutes strapped in his car seat waiting for Kamryn to get out of preschool, so pretty good reason). So I’m stunned. I don’t think in the 9, 10 months we have had him home he has EVER been so calm and … “normal.” I was thinking this morning as I took him to sit on my lap at the computer because I WANTED to cuddle with him rather than I needed to contain him (normal reason) that this is how it’s supposed to be. I also find myself wondering if there is something in his diet that is affecting his behavior. If anything, he is one purged boy this morning. I don’t think he is sick (okay I wrote this several hours ago; I know he isn’t sick). Perhaps it was hunger – although for someone who had eaten NOTHING, he wasn’t acting particularly hungry.

So now I’m puzzled. The two of us went to war over lunch. I wanted him to eat roast chicken. He wanted to scream. Eventually we both bent a little – he ate the roast chicken and I gave him a bite of bread for every bite of chicken. Boy is he stubborn! In the end he was eating the chicken on his own without even being prompted (evidence I’m guessing that there wasn’t anything wrong with the chicken in the first place; he just HATES to lose.) He is calmly and happily watching Finding Nemo right now. I’m still not sure where the Sam we are all so accustomed to is.

Along with Religion...

I also found a crib tent available at an Ottawa store that I didn't have to sell a kidney to buy. ;) So, no, while I appreciated the suggestion made after my Duct tape entry, bungee cords will not be necessary although they may have been cheaper.

Sam loves it. Okay maybe not. He keeps pointing at the sides and saying "oh-oh." I'm not sure what he means by that. He says "oh-oh" a lot though and it's too stinking cute to hear it! Most importantly though he can't climb out AND can no longer hold on to the sides of the crib and jump up and down until he smacks his lip on the bar and cries (something he seemed to do far too often for it to be good for his mouth, teeth, jaw, head etc.)

Photos, of my "caged" son.





I think our social worker would approve.

I've Found Religion

You guys are good to me. Thanks for all your kind comments regarding my friend. One of the things I dislike about blogging is the inability to respond easily (or at all in some cases) to comments made on my entries. At my previous journaling site it was easy to reply when people sent comments. Not so here. I do appreciate all the comments I get though and thank you so much for leaving them. I have to get more in the habit of just responding in my entries. It's sometimes hard to write when it seems no one is reading (and the only way to know people are reading is if they comment). I guess I walk a weird tightrope between writing for my own personal joy and wanting others to share in and comment on my life. I definitely want others to share though or all my entries would still be on my hard drive. lol


One of the big differences between the my girlfriend and I (and a really surprising one for us to work around; was I a doormat?) was that she was a staunch atheist and not always terribly respectful of my belief in God and commitment to my religion. This week, hard as it has been, has had me seeing God everywhere. I'm not the kind of person who does, so this is interesting to me. Yes I believe in a higher power but I'm not really sure sometimes how a beneficent God affects yours truly. This might be shallow but I believe because I've always believed. I'm not a strong enough person not to. I need there to be a God. I need there to be something else. I think this week I have seen proof that there is someone watching out for me.

Pre-Kamryn, I had stopped going to Church. I wasn't mad at God. I thought he was mad at me. I went to Church when I had to and avoided it when I could. I couldn't handle it. I would stand there and I would say the prayers and hear the words coming forth from my mouth and wonder why God was punishing me this way. What I had done that would deny me ever having a family. It was just to hard to be there and I kept breaking down in the middle of the penitential rite and other similar parts of the mass and having to leave and go to the bathroom to cry. So I stopped going. Talk about Catholic guilt although my rationale mind and what I have been taught is that God wasn't punishing me it's just the way it is. Still, when you're grieving it's easier to be irrational. We did by the way return to Church post-Kamryn and have gone quite regularly ever since. We've been a bit absent lately but that's only because Dominic can be a big handful at Church.

Anyway, back to this week. Tuesday, when I was feeling bad, I went to Kamryn's dance class and sat and laughed and joked with Kamryn's friend's parents. Like was always do - we joked back and forth throughout their class. On Sunday we are going to see Disney on Ice with them. After ballet, Kamryn's friend's Mom says "ummm... care to join us for dinner after the show?" A simple and logical invitation but one I needed right then. Later that night I went to my band practice and one of my friends there also suggested we get together this week to practice - also a pretty normal and logical invitation - just not one she had ever suggested before and an invitation I needed right then. Today I logged on and along with all the kind messages from my online friends was an e-mail from someone I haven't heard from in almost 20 years. We were friends from summer camp in junior high/high school and then worked one summer together in 1989! She found my e-mail address and sought me out. Wants to know if we can stay in touch and perhaps get together for dinner next time she is in town and no, it doesn't seem like she wants to sell me insurance. lol

I could chalk this all up to coincidence or even seeing stuff where I otherwise wouldn't. There is a certain comfort in thinking that perhaps someone ''else" is helping me see these things. Someone ''else'' is allowing me to find comfort. No matter what I feel comforted and kind of warm and squishy inside.

The end of a friendship

So I've had the biggest fight I've ever had with a real life friend. It's sad the friendship is irreconcilable over. I now go back and forth between wishing I'd never even met her, wondering why I wasted ten years of my life on her and total confusion over why she was ever friends with me in the first place. The latter is something I had often wondered anyhow so maybe it's for the best.

Really, she's a capable, smart, funny and popular woman as am I (except for the popular part; I'll be honest, as I've been before, I'm far from popular). Nevertheless, while I have a Master's Degree she didn't finish university. I work full-time and until recently she was a full-time stay and home Mom. Now she works part-time at a job that I would never even consider. She is a penny pincher because she has to be and, while practical, except for big purchases I buy what I want and am rarely more than moderately concerned with what it costs. I like to know what is going on the world; I don't think she has ever read a newspaper or watched a newsbroadcast. She's down-to-earth while I'm a little prissy. We did like the same type of movies ... I think. She was my friend though and I liked her. She was my best friend. I wasn't hers and I knew that but I was happy with the friendship.

She was my Maid of Honour and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding. I gave her a baby shower for her first child in the middle of infertility HELL (a week after a lap even). She was the first person I called when I Kamryn was born (I couldn't get a hold of Daniel because his cell phone was off!). We'd been friends for over ten years and I appreciated her friendship so much because she stuck with me and was supportive during all our infertility struggles. I watched her pop out three kids with little effort at getting pregnant but she did so with a compassion for what we were going though that touched me.

It was all my fault to. Technically (it was 100% her decision to end the friendship; although at this point I wouldn't want it any other way, I'm just sitting here stunned). I made a stupid comment months ago and hurt her feelings and she decided our friendship wasn't worth salvaging. Her decision really makes me angry because in my estimation it says more about her than me. She's overweight by a lot, maybe by as much 200 lbs? I've tried to be so supportive over the years but I slipped up and said something stupid and for that I was condemned. I can't understand her throwing away a very close friendship over that. On the other hand it's a weight issue thing and well, I know that can be a deep wound to the self esteem. But come on .... ten years! I would have done anything for her.

So after months of minimal contact with someone I used to speak to either physically or through e-mail daily (this all corresponded with her starting her new job and I wondered if she were just overwhelmed at first) I confronted her and all this vitriol came out. Basically she said I was evil and insecure and that I exploited peoples foibles to make myself feel better. I believed her - stupid me. I really was devastated at first. I cried for two days. I couldn't eat. Then I went out with some other friends and had FUN! I sat and laughed with them and had a good time and thought, "hey, these people seem to like me and interact with me normally. They don't think I'm mean and cruel." I thought about what she had said (looking for examples in how I was mean she went back all ten years) and I thought "what the F" (okay I can't swear in my blog lol; told you prissy). There isn't ANYTHING wrong with me. I'm a good person who made a one stupid comment - okay she said she was thinking of starting a "birthday fairy" or maybe a "birthday fairy godmother" business and I told her that WE (I included myself here) were more "godmother" like than "fairy" like. Really, we're both over 30, over 5'9" and fat; nothing fairy like about us (I didn't say this but this is the reality). Okay don't talk to me for a few weeks and make me apologize (I did!) but trash a ten year friendship. So then I entered the angry phase (prior to this all I did was apologize and cry) I guess... I sat down and told her exactly how I felt. I told her that I had been a good friend to her and her devaluation of everthing that had transpired between us over ten years was ... how do I put this succintly... reprehensible. That made me feel better, MUCH BETTER. I'm not perfect but I'm a very good person and a very good friend.

Still I feel sad that her family, which I considered part of my family, is gone. Exorcised for stupid reasons. I'm, nevertheless, glad they live so far away that I'll never run into them in the supermarket or something like that. I don't want to experience the awkwardness and the pain that would follow. My job this afternoon is to go around the house and take down all their pictures because I still tear up when I see them.

It's been a sad week around here - for me anyways. I've never "broken-up" with someone in anger. Not even boyfriends. There were always tears and regrets on both ends and an acknowledgement that we just weren't right. I've generally stayed friendly with my exes even for a time and then generally life drifts you apart. I've never fought with a real friend. I guess to make it to 37 and never have had a knock down drag 'em out (although a few angry e-mails is hardly a knock down but still ...) is pretty good; I hope. I don't want to do it again.

I've added a list of "Buddy Blogs" to this Blog

Please know you are still my "buddy" if I haven't listed your blog. I was about to add everyone and their best friend's blog addresses but then I thought perhaps people might not want me plastering their blog addresses everywhere. If you would like me to include you (and I would be honoured) drop me a line and I'll "put you up." :)

I did an evil thing today.

A few weeks ago I posted about the insensitive comments made at Kamryn's gymnastics class by a clueless Mom. Well, today I was sitting with Kamryn's friends Mom on one side of me and the comment lady on the other. Comment Mom's normal conversation partner had to leave early with her son so she was chatless. I was chatting with the other Mom when she asked about our fertility "attempts" (not pryingly considering we have a burgeoning friendship of our own). I must admit that I used her. I had a very frank and loud discussion with her about the misery of infertility. I wasn't REALLY talking to her. I THINK I made my point. ;)

Is is considered abuse to duck tape your toddler to his crib bars?

I'm thinking our social worker wouldn't approve.

Ugggh! Master Sam has decided he should no longer be confined to his crib. This is a MAJOR problem because NOTHING short of global thermo nuclear war could convince me to put him in a bed. As I told my mother we'd literally have to empty his room of furniture. I would never sleep again and he would hurt himself almost assuredly. I'm a laid back Mom believe it or not, by the time Kamryn was Sam's age all our baby gates were down. We have never even gated our stairs BUT Sam is a different child and well he needs to be confined or watched. He's fast and he's bright but he has the common sense of well... a 21 month old.

So I'm on a hunt for a crib tent. Easier said than done. Have to wait until Monday so I can call a US company that I found online to see if they will ship to Canada. The ONLY Canadian company that I can find that carries crib tents wants $100 US + shipping – crooks! I lost a bidding war on E-bay for one by like 10 seconds tonight ($71 US). That might have been a good thing since the company I need to call is advertising $65. But that’s only if they will ship to me (their web site says to call for info on shipping outside the lower 48). This is insane.I guess we could just duck tape him nightly.