Christmas

I opened my Christmas newsletter by telling everyone how blessed our family has been this year. Christmas was no exception. Kamryn and Sam had a wonderful time and you can’t watch kids enjoying Christmas and not have a whale of a time yourself. It really was an almost perfect holiday.

Daniel turned down all requests to work on Christmas Eve (right up until today, Dec 28th actually) to make sure he would be home with us all. My biggest complaint as a wife is I always spend holidays and times of crisis (i.e. the blackout of 2003) alone because he ALWAYS is called to work. It was so nice to have him home for the whole holiday (he normally works Christmas Eve and Boxing Day). So Christmas Eve we just hung out together. Truly, we had nothing to do. Nothing left to buy, nothing left (really) to organize. My family was scheduled to join us for a Christmas Eve reveillon but that really didn’t involve all that much preparation. It was a wonderfully warm day and there was fresh snow on the ground so after an early lunch we bundled the kids up and took them out to play in the snow. I really felt sorry for “southern” kids that they don’t get to play in snow. The neighbour (a 30-something year old little kid if there ever was one) was deeply involved with snow fort building and snowball fights on the front lawn. Kamryn joined his two girls and some other girls from the neighbourhood (it really was a girl power day). Kamryn, being the youngest, couldn’t quite keep up but she tried. In the end she decided she wanted to build a snowman, so I “helped” her and our youngest neighbour (4 ½) build a snowman. They abandoned me for more interesting pursuits before we had even put the bottom of the body in place but I made a really nice snowman on my own. Ah well.

Sam got right to work shoveling the driveway with Daniel. It’s good he’s getting the practice in now. I expect in years to come it will get hard to convince him of how much fun shoveling the driveway will be. If you put Sam down in “deep” snow he just stands there. Eventually he falls over and just lies there. Can’t say he is really impressed with it – smart boy! It’s a very effective way to slow down a little boy who NEVER stops moving. He is very happy in the driveway though and likes his shovel.

Sam and his shovel.



After naps and dinner the kids changed into jammies and we opened “birthfamily” presents (our little tradition; it’s a nice private time for us). Kamryn’s birthdad is a very generous man with no clue about children. :lol He gave Kamryn a digital camera (a real one albeit for children (8 and up!) and Sam a remote control car that we didn’t even bother taking out of the box because he would break it in an instant. There other presents (from other birthfamily members) were much more age appropriate – a Thomas the Train Lego set – that is a big hit except I’m sooooo tired of putting Thomas back together for Sam (I realized this morning that Kamryn can do it and she has been earning her big sister bonus points); Pjs and a robe for Kamryn; books etc. The kids joined in the first part of reveillon and then they were off to bed.

Sam opens a present from Nana:




Santa’s biggest Elf:



Christmas morning was wonderful. Santa left the toys for the children in the living room in front of the tree; doll paraphernalia for Kamryn who has been asking for a “carosse” (doll stroller) since October it seems, and a Little People Garage and a Dump Truck for Sam. I was a teensy bit worried there would be an argument over who the toys were for but they figured it out in an instant and while they both play with each others toys they know what belongs to who (Kamryn is at present lecturing Sam for messing up HIS Thomas the Train lego train tracks). Santa seems to have gotten things right though and there has been the least fighting this morning ever as they are too busy playing with their new toys to get in each other’s way.

Stocking unstuffing:




Kamryn models a new dress. Don’t know where she is going to wear this?!?



Kamryn helps her cousin distribute presents (Sam was asleep).



Today is the first real chance they have had to really play, as soon after opening presents we were off to Christmas Mass and then to my parents’ house to open up even more presents. It was all a little much for Sam and after opening one or two presents our little man needed to head off for his nap (he was just exhausted) so he opened his presents with Papa and Maman after everyone else. He enjoyed it just as much though. Kamryn had a ball helping to pass out presents to others and opening her own – sometimes she confused to two tasks. She had a wonderful day playing with her cousins and being spoiled, as did Sam.

Boxing Day morning we were off bright and early to Kingston to visit with our good friends on Wolfe Island. The kids got MORE presents and really enjoyed playing with Daniel (5) and Ella (3) the littlest family members. They also enjoyed a great deal more spoiling. Then it was back to Ottawa that night so that we could be here to share breakfast the next morning with Sam’s Godparents, Joe and Monica, who oddly we had just seen the day before on Wolfe Island but who had left for Ottawa to visit with Joe’s mother.

Today Daniel is back to work and the kids and I are just decompressing. Toys are being tried out and hopefully we will get the nap schedule back in order.

Wishing you all the best.

Vous souhaitant nos meilleurs voeux.

The T. Family

Look what I made. (If you click on it it gets bigger)

I'm redoing a picture book I wrote for Kamryn about her adoption. Technology has advanced beyond my original laminated pages. This will be the title page.

Weather Whines

I think like most Canadians I feel a certain pride by my ability to deal with the weather extremes we get here. In Eastern Ontario, we are lucky we REALLY get the extremes. Temperatures range yearly from –40 F (not counting windchill) to 107 F (not counting humidity and humidity is constant whether it’s hot or cold). We get snowstorms and ice storms and tornados (VERY rarely) and some impressive thunderstorms (no hurricanes thank god). So, it is not extremely hot all the time, nor is it extremely cold and I’ve never sat anxiously watching a hurricane approach but we get ALL the “normal” stuff.

I must admit that I whine as loudly as the next guy when it’s really hot BUT I feel so empowered the first time I take to the road and there is a foot of snow on the ground and it doesn’t phase me in the slightest. I smile quietly to myself as I deal with three-foot snowdrifts in the driveway and dispatch them quickly with the snow blower. Nothing makes you feel powerful like pushing around a 10 HP snow blower lol and nothing makes you feel as talented then hitting a patch of ice in the car and maintaining control of the automobile (the corollary being that nothing is more scary then losing control completely). We don’t have snow tires on our truck and it’s not four-wheel drive (we keep putting off buying snow tires cause winter hasn’t been all that bad the past two years).

I like waking up in the morning to a frigid house and feeling all warm and snuggly under the covers. I like winter camping although I haven’t done it in years. I like the cold rosy cheeks you getter spending time in the cold skating, sledding or just goofing off in the snow. I feel invulnerable when I fight my way into work; having waited in the cold for a bus bundled up like “Nanook of the North” and trudged down an icy sidewalk wondering if the feeling would ever return to my hands.

What gets me every time though is strapping an uncooperative kid into a car seat when it’s 7 F (okay I know that’s not all that cold but that just happens to be the temp today). You can’t do this with gloves on. They HAVE to come off. The kid is wearing 80 gazzillion layers so they aren’t exactly easy to get into the seat in the first place. So now you have a squishy, squirming, kid; snug car seat straps; and frozen hands. Did I mention said kid has kicked his boot and sock off so that his foot is potentially freezing as well and that your other child has taken off and is sure to be hit be a car at any moment because they aren’t being cooperative AT ALL. Ah…. Winter was easier in “bucket” days. I wish they made toddler sized buckets with special weight defying characteristics. Nope not feeling powerful, skilled or invulnerable at all today; just trying to find excuses to NEVER leave the house again or at least until May.

Okay my spirts are about to be reinvigorated. Just checked the weather forecast. Here is an excerpt:

A Major winter storm with the centre over western end of Lake Superior this morning is expected to bring heavy snowfall to regions just north of the lower Great Lakes and southeastern Ontario. The heavy snowfall has started over Windsor and Sarnia regions will reach Toronto and the Golden Horseshoe area by this evening then spread farther eastward to southeastern Ontario overnight. The heaviest snowfall is expected to occur along the Ontario Québec border Friday morning.

I can see Quebec from here.

Long time no real update

I have so much to update on and I just haven’t had the chance. I’ve been having some medical problems (unrelated to my descent into menopause) and have been to a gazillion doctors and had a trillion “procedures” in the last two weeks. I’m a little exhausted just thinking about it. It’s all a complication of a condition I’ve had for almost 20 years now and it has completely screwed up my right elbow. It’s gone from really serious to really annoying and has the potential to become moderately serious again but right now we’re happily wallowing in really annoying. :) I like annoying. Serious makes me worry. Okay enough about that – it is all intended as an excuse for my absence anyhow.

Well after 4 years I think we are finally done with social worker’s home visits. Not quite done with social workers yet as Sam’s adoption won’t be final for 6 months or so (if we are lucky) but no longer will I clean the house and bake something in anticipation of a report being written about me. All the reports are DONE! We had our last post placement visit for Sam last Friday, December 2nd. It went well as we knew it would. After working with someone for over 4 years on something as intimate as adoption, if your social worker hasn’t become a friend something is wrong.

I think back to when we were selecting a social worker to do our initial homestudy. I called all eight (staggering number) social workers in Ottawa and conducted phone interviews. I chose Carol because she was the one I thought I clicked with the best. It was a good choice. She really did well by us. She’s older and doddering and slow as molasses but you know she really cares and is doing the best she possibly can for you and for that I can over look her other foibles. I told her when she was leaving that if she ever needed us to speak at a workshop or something we would be happy to do it. I hope she takes us up on the offer. She brought up what a wealth of experience we were having done: a newborn domestic adoption, a toddler adoption, two different kinds of open adoptions, private adoption and a private adoption that involved the state and finally transracial adoption of sorts. I really do feel a little like an adoption expert now – at least in those areas. Carol is writing a book and will likely reference Sam’s adoption in it – complicated as it was. So we will likely hear from her on that too. I guess she’s not really out of our lives. We gave her a friendship ball as a little thank-you.

Other news, Kamryn’s birthfather is moving to Kenya. Sigh. He moves every few years. He’s a chef and he works for a major hotel chain so he goes where they need him. When Kamryn was born he was working in the U.A.E. then he was in Calgary and now he’s off to Kenya. I had hoped he would take another position in Canada because he’s not a Canadian citizen. He has to be in the country 3 years for that to happen and he never stays long enough. It would be a good thing for him to “take care of.” I guess this opportunity was too good for him to pass off though as it means “going home.” He’s Kenyan. He told us that we should start making vacation plans. Ummmm…. I don’t think so.

Now don’t get me wrong, a trip to Kenya would be the trip of a lifetime and we definitely plan on doing it one day but not with a 3 year old and a 1 year old. If we’re going to shell out for airfare to Kenya it’s going to be a trip that these kids remember. Our plan had been to go when Kamryn was around 10ish. He won’t be there that long but there is nothing to say he can’t go back. The company has 4 hotels there (one of which he will be responsible for opening). It will be odd having him so far away again (he’s been here since Kamryn was about a year old). I think he came back to work on his relationship with Kamryn’s birthmother. I know that relationship is over so I guess there really is nothing keeping him here. I hope he visits before he heads out. He is hoping to but it could be tough for him to coordinate.

Someone on Friends By Adoption asked what the difference was between bio and adopted kids – all this coordination and worrying about other people is the difference. It’s not all encompassing but it’s there. The kids, at the ages they are now are oblivious to it all but it’s an ongoing thing in our lives.

Okay that’s all the news that is fit to print today – must go feed the kids dinner they are getting VERY cranky.

Our First Gingerbread House

Okay the idea of doing anything creative terrifies me but Kamryn and I had fun. I think it turned out pretty good. Kamryn ate more than she decorated though. :lol

Getting started. I breathed a sigh of relief once the house was together and didn't fall apart immediately.

The finished product:

Our cookies. SHould I be embarassed that there is no descernible difference between the one I did and the one Kamryn did all by herself (I put the icing base down for her). :blush



Kamryn is VERY proud of her "dinosaur"*shrug* cookie:

Sometimes You Just Have to Listen

Sam is obsessed with two things in life: Balls and Cars. As such they were two of his first words. They were in english. Not a huge problem but we're really pushing french with him as he didn't have much french exposure before coming here. He is actually doing comparatively better than Kamryn was at his age (with me home with him he gets more french while Kamryn was with my very english parents quite a bit) but still we worry a little at how he will manage when he starts preschool next fall (I agonized over Kamryn too).

Anyway, we can't go anywhere without Sam pointing out each and every car or truck that he sees and yelling "Car!" So bad parents that we are rather than rejoicing in his burgeoning language skills we repeat endlessly "auto" (Ah- tow) and he yells back excitedly "Car! Car!" This is scene repeated each and every time we venture out of the house. So today I'm driving home and he's yelling at me "Maman! Tow! Tow! Tow!" at the top of his lungs and then I realized what he was saying and had to laugh. He'd pretty much been yelling it for 20 minutes and I just hadn't realized it. Daniel will be thrilled.

A few weeks ago I was considering having his speech tested because I was marginally concerned but in the last two weeks he's had the most noticable explosion. He's really RIGHT where he should be. I think I worry about his language mostly because we keep telling ourselves that if his language skills continue to be at or above average there is a chance that all the junk his birthmother was using didn't harm him. :(

So I'm a Menopausal Woman

I took the Lupron shot yesterday afternoon. No ill effects so far. My arm itched a bit last night. I feel the same. Guess it's only been 24 hours and I guess the worse is yet to come. I don't think I will do it again next month, simply because it's frightenly expensive and I'm thinking we will know what we need to know in two weeks (when I don't ovulate) anyways.

I'm an E-Bay Addict

It's like a new sport for me. Back in August I saw something at a consignment store that I thought I could make a profit selling on E-bay (reason being I had bought the exact same item for MUCH more than the store was selling it for shortly before I stumbled across it) so I bought it and I did make a profit (not as much as I would have liked but it was worth my while). The stress of waiting to break-even almost killed me though; so I’ve abandoned that practice.

Last week we started clearing out our basement and I waded back into E-bay territory. They had a 10 cent listing day for Canadians on Monday and that prompted me to get off my keister and list a couple of things (my old/"like new" breastpump and the "breast bottles" that Kamryn summarily rejected as a newborn). Okay, I check my listing 80 gazzillion times a day watching it "grow" and hoping for questions. I watch other similar auctions like a hawk, as if it's a race. I stalk my bidders to see if they are bidding in the other auctions. I make little comments to myself or Daniel on those I think have shown their hands too early. Why do people bid on day 2 of an auction that is going to go 7 days. Are they saving their place in line? Or perhaps they are reassuring me that they care. I need that reassurance so I guess it’s good that they do it. :)

I feel bad for people auctioning items that I think are better than mine and that aren't being bid on. Daniel says I shouldn't feel bad for being better at "marketing" my stuff than other people (you have to wonder what some people are thinking when they compose their auctions). I'm not a marketing genius or anything, I’m simply a better researcher than some, I think (and with weaker scruples). I simply find a similar auction that is doing well and copy EVERYTHING that I think is doing it for that person. I think it has really worked for the Pump In Style breastpump because it’s doing REALLY well compared to similar articles. I was nervous when I put it up because my ad was almost identical to the one I had copied from (why I worry about not being liked by someone who will never meet me and probably could care less about me I don’t know). Luckily though their listing ended almost immediately after mine went up and they were a US lister so in most cases we were MILES apart in the category and the two listings were unlikely to be watched by anyone other than me. Hopefully, they never noticed the copycat following their every move. They got an AMAZINGLY good price for their pump to. I think someone really overpaid.

I’m looking forward to selling other stuff around our house. This seems much easier than a garage sale. I think we will have a garage sale in the spring anyway to get rid of the junk that I don’t think I could sell on E-bay. No way I would have gotten anything for these items at a garage sale. Okay off to gaze at my own listing once more. Cheerio.

Back in the world of infertility (well at least in the same solar system)

Had my first ever appointment with a gynecologist this morning. Can ya believe it? I never had any problems and I've never been pregnant so no reason to go. Well now I have problems (as I have whined about previously). So I'm dreaming about her waving a magic wand. There is no wand though. :( Ugh! She gave me three options:

1) the Pill (something my family doctor had suggested two years ago and I rejected)
2) Lupron shots
3) surgery

Well I don't want to do the pill. Problem won't go away (unless I stay on the Pill indefinitely); I'll just get fat/fatter. The Lupron and chemical menopause kinda scares me. I've taken Lupron for IVF but it has been explained to me that it's at a MUCH higher dosage and my ovaries will go dormant which she says they weren’t in prep for IVF (news to me). I took the prescription for the Lupron; it's sitting in my front hall.

If the Lupron helps, the Doctor explained, she will know it's related to my cycle in which case I'm not really sure what happens as she keeps saying I can't stay on Lupron forever ... duh! But then she totally confused me by talking about putting me on Lupron and then giving me Hormone Replacement Therapy which seemed totally antithetical to me (more explanations the HRT would prevent bone density loss but wouldn’t be enough to wake my useless pain factory ovaries). She did say at one point "when I do surgery I will know that it is probably something wrong with your ovary." Okay I know there is something wrong with my ovary but I don’t just want to say cut me open (okay my reasoning here is dumb – if she does cut me open and there is nothing there, if I haven’t jumped through hoops beforehand, I will feel like more of a hypochndriac than I already do).

If the Lupron doesn't work, she is proposing surgery to find out what is likely wrong. So either way I'm headed for surgery, I think, the only difference being whether I go through chemically induced menopause first. Wonderful. I guess when it comes right down to it a laproscopy is pretty banal when it comes to surgeries.

I have an appointment in three months (to allow me to experiment with the Lupron first)to see her again. The way things seem to be unfolding IF she does do I laproscopy it will be just as I return to work (to a brand new job/boss) after being off for almost a year. They are going to love me, I’m sure. Well, I didn’t pick this. The one good thing that came out of this morning is I’m reasonably certain that I won’t have to deal with this pain next month. I could almost shout from the rooftops in joy over that.

I’m sulking a bit (who am I kidding; I’m sulking A LOT) because Daniel never asked me what the doctor said. He knows how miserable I have been (I completely broke down in tears on Monday over all this and that wasn’t the first time). He knows I had a doctor's appointment this morning as we had to do all sorts of weird scheduling this morning to accommodate it. He either managed to forget in two hours (most likely explanation I hope) or he doesn’t believe it’s as bad as it is and has just been humoring me and pretending to care. :( I am not going to bring it up. I refuse.

It’s emotionally difficult being back in this world again which is just exacerbating everything of course. I try not to think about my reproductive organs at all. It’s a kind of "you stay on your side of the room and I’ll stay on mine and that way we’ll both be happy" kind of thing. Now I’m not happy and my ovaries (at least my right one) is certainly unhappy.

I have lunch tomorrow with a very good and very old friend tomorrow (male) who's in town getting set for a new job (I'm so excited he is moving here my teeth hurt). I'm not so certain I won't burst into tears when he asks me how I am.

With her own money

Kamryn is too cute.

A few weeks ago we were out shopping and she wanted a kid’s umbrella. I said “no” and she wanted to know why. I told her I had no money for an umbrella and asked if she had any money. She said she didn’t and I told her that when she did she could buy an umbrella. I told her that the next time she saw her grandfather to ask him for the money.

Well the next time she say him she did just that. When he asked why she needed money, she told him to buy an umbrella. Then a few days later she found a penny on the table at his house and told him she was taking it to buy an umbrella. So he called me and asked if he could take her to buy an umbrella “with her own money.” I told him to knock himself out (well not those words exactly but you get the gist. :)) So today, after her soccer class, he took her to Walmart to get her her umbrella. They come home and Kamryn is triumphant. What did she get? A pretty pink one with purple accents? A Beauty Beast umbrella? A little Mermaid? Nope – Spiderman! Makes me grin. She’s a spunky kid and no one is "princessafying" her.

Happy Days

Someone once berated me for being too melancholic in my writings. I think I started the “argument” but accusing my accuser of the exact same thing. I defended myself by noting that I generally feel the need to write when I’m feeling down. When I’m up I find it a much better use of my resources to spend my time wallowing in happiness rather than chaining myself to my keyboard. Today though I’m having a wonderful day AND feel the need to write about it. Nothing special has happened just a good day.

Daniel is working and he took our lone vehicle so I’m literally trapped here in suburbia with the two kids. It’s cold out and they both have colds so we’re not going anywhere (although Kamryn has been out today already). We started the day with showers for all (no protests at all from Sam who hates showers) and then Kamryn went off with my father (standing in for Daniel) to her soccer class while my mother and I hung out at the house, drank tea, ate banana bread and watched Sam poop. Boy can that boy poop! In the hour and a half my mother was here I changed my “fresh from the shower” boy twice for “sizeable” reasons to (enough on that).

When Kamryn returned I “let” the kids watch Monsters Inc. (the only movie Sam will really watch) and they “let” me read “The Time Traveller’s Wife” (awesome book!). They actually both ate their lunch, Zoodles, happily and then munched on homemade banana bread for dessert. After lunch and some play time, Sam got all snuggly which he does when he wants to nap AND actually let me rock him to sleep rather than squiggling all over until we both get frustrated and I am forced to put him down. Kamryn and I played a little bit and then she too went down for her nap without a huge protest.

I have made French bread to have with dinner, which will be spaghetti with homemade sauce, and it is rising as I sit and type this while simultaneous eating my lunch and losing at Scrabble to a perfect stranger miles away from here. :) When Kamryn gets up from her nap, I think we will make cookies.

I’m totally content and thought I should share it.

Last Visit for a Bit I Expect

Our meeting with Sam’s “birthfamily” went REALLY well. They were happy to see him and super gracious about our willingness to let the meeting go ahead. We met at our local mall which has a play area for kids. Sam remembered them and was very happy to see them. He was also sweet enough to his maman to demonstrate his attachment to me by calling out whenever I would leave his sight (I left him with them and Daniel to go an buy lunch) Normally, this is a bit of a pain but it was nice to see it demonstrated for them. They didn’t make a big deal out of his name except that they mispronounced it the whole time (I didn’t correct them just placed extra emphasis on the right way to say it whenever I spoke to him). It’s not a big deal as MOST people mispronounce it (it’s one of those names that seems obvious but I guess isn’t).

A good thing about the meeting is we “found out” about Sam’s temper. Well we knew about his temper; anyone who has spent more than half and hour with him knows about his temper. The thing is NO ONE mentioned that he had a temper and threw temper tantrums worthy of John McEnroe in the WEEK AND A HALF we spent transitioning him to our family. It’s like they thought we would reject him based on this or something. Amber (Sam's "aunt") must have asked me 5 times if he still threw fits. Ummm… YA! We have spent the last few months wondering about this spectacular temper he has and these monumental fits he throws. As I told our social worker yesterday afternoon, it would have been nice to know that his temper tantrums were completely unrelated to adoption and just “him.” While it is unlikely that we would have treated him any different, we would have been easier on ourselves. Ah well. All in all, a good (and short! Maybe and hour and a half) visit. They left confident (I hope!) that he is doing well and that we didn’t adopt him to murder him for the insurance money (stupid plot line on Law and Order last week).

We had a visit from our social worker immediately afterwards and she was really surprised when I told her that we had just gotten home from a visit with the birthfamily. She was really impressed with our “flexibility.” To be honest though, as I said in my first post, I didn’t think we had a choice in the matter. It wasn’t at all as awful as I expected it to be. We even got to meet one of Sam’s biological great uncles who came along for the ride I guess (Nana had 13 siblings ALL raised in foster care or adopted).
One more home visit from our social worker (in three weeks) and we can start the paperwork to finalize the adoption.

One more birthfamily post ...

Okay before I whine endlessly please understand - open adoption is wonderful and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Nevertheless, like anything good, it requires some sacrifice and while I am willing to make those sacrifices, they aren't easy ones to make at times.

Ugh! So Sam’s “birthfamily” are in town and want to see him. They aren’t really his birthfamily (his is a VERY confusing family). Technically they are his ex-step-grandfather and his step-aunt and step cousin. Regardless, for the first year of his life they were family and when we met them back in May and they asked about contact we told them that they could see him when they wanted and we wouldn’t cut them off from him. Oh… and they HATE us.

Doug (is Sam’s birthgrandmother’s ex-husband. They were no longer together when Sam’s birthmother was born. There is no biological connection at all BUT everyone is very friendly toward one another and they were all living in the same VERY small apartment building for Sam’s first year. Doug lived next door to Nana and Amber (aunt) lived upstairs with Gabriel who is six and autistic. No one’s door was ever closed and Sam was regularly passed around so they are important people to him.

They didn’t want him placed for adoption. They were of the opinion that Nana should adopt and raise him while she VERY much wanted something better for him (i.e. two parent household, siblings, nice house, grass …) They really resented her for making the decision she did. They really resented us for being the unwitting adoptive family. Then we changed his name … That pretty much nailed it.

Anyway, Doug’s step mother lived in Ottawa. She passed away on the weekend so they will all be in town today and want to see him. Nana called last night to ask us if it would be all right. She wants them to leave us alone (she regularly tells us that she divorced him for a reason and that she doesn’t agree with his approach to most things in life lol). We feel obligated to let them see him as 1) we said they could see him and 2) they hate us and we don’t want to perpetuate all the “bad ideas” they have about us. I told Daniel that I wouldn’t be alone with Doug (he really creeps me out) and Daniel is working until 8 both today and tomorrow. We agreed to lunch on Wednesday in a neutral location. At first I thought, well, we could go to a local indoor amusement park and spend the morning and then I reconsidered and thought it’s not his birthmother or birthgrandmother. Yes, they can see him but I’m not jumping through hoops for them (especially considering all I know they have been saying about us and the adoption).

So we’ll skip Sam’s swim lesson and meet them about 11 and hang out until around 1. At 2 we have the second of our adoption inspection visits by our social worker. At 5, we all have flu shots scheduled and at 7 we have an information session at Kamryn’s preschool (and Sam’s future preschool). Gonna be a VERY long and arduous day.

I’m a little worried about the name thing. I know they were all very angry. He’s adjusted so well and I don’t want them screwing it all up. Nevertheless, I have to remember he is my son and if I don’t like how they are behaving around him I can pack him up and take him home. This is MUCH more stressful than Nana’s visit was.

The end of my meltdown (oh what a meltdown it was too)

So I logged on tonight to erase my descent into melancholy of earlier today but I’ve decided to leave it. I hate reading about people feeling sorry for themselves for no good reason and figured I should erase it so that anyone reading this would continue their belief in me as the perfect woman and mother (lol). Then I decided to leave it. I’m not perfect and you guys know that so why pretend. I’m feeling much better – it got much worse before it got better though because of course Sam wanted nothing to do with his dinner and basically threw it at me – just what I needed. I was a mess but I’m very proud of myself for how I handled things. I took the screaming tantruming Sam upstairs and put him in his crib. I came downstairs and grabbed the phone (unfortunately before I had time to collect myself) and called my parents and asked them to come and stay with Sam for an hour while I took Kamryn to ballet.

They came, I took Kamryn to ballet and sat on the floor and chatted with Madison’s Mom who I think is becoming a friend (okay I’m not totally pathetic). She suggested that as they have just moved a couple of blocks away (they moved last week) that we make a real effort to get the girls together outside of school and other activities. I will invite them over very soon. Just have to take a look at our schedule a bit. 45 minutes sitting on the floor outside of a ballet class chatting and I feel SOOOOOO much better. Still a little weepy and sorry for myself but definitely not as awful as I was feeling.

I’m going to turn the TV on for the right now and let them watch a bit before bed (that was another change today we have had no TV time). I need them to watch a little TV each day; if that’s my failing as a parent so be it and long live Sesame Street!

Just Me Whining About My Perfectly Adequate Life

I honestly don’t know how single parents do it or even people married to absentee parents (i.e. they have a partner who is regularly away). Day after day after day. Yes, the rewards of parenting are rich but that doesn’t mean they come easily. I’m feeling REALLY isolated today. It’s gray and rainy. I’m tired. Daniel called around 11 to ask if I minded skipping my band practice tonight so he could work some overtime (he worked the weekend so this is his 4th day of work in a row). Some overtime means he’ll be home between 11 and midnight. He left at 8 this morning. What could I say but sure I’ll skip my practice but oh how I was looking forward to those 2 ½ hours. I’m such a wimp. I’ve felt so isolated home with Sam. So different than my parental leave with Kamryn when I couldn’t understand why people wanted to return to work. I’ve begun to look forward to April. Yes, I love the time spent with the kids but I feel so alone.

With Kamryn I could pick her up and just go. With the two kids though that’s not as easy. Sam is far from “portable.” He’s the kind of kid where all conditions must be perfect (he can’t be tired, hungry, wet, bored, warm, cold etc.) or he completely melts down. I just can’t handle that in public on a regular basis. Easier to stay home. Even the grocery store is a challenge. Someone is always poking someone else or pulling someone hair or Sam starts yelling to hear his own voice and Kamryn must chime in and then both kids are yelling and I’m asking them to stop like a demented freak while people look away with that “what awful kids and what an awful Mom” look. With Kamryn, there were a ton of other mothers on our street off on Mat leave and we had regular, weekly playgroups. The only Mom around this time is just “not me” nor am I “her.” There is always a politeness to our social interaction and I expect under different circumstances (she lives next door) we probably wouldn’t be friends or even friendly. It’s also so much easier to pop out with an infant than a toddler and a preschooler.

I go out twice a week to Mom and Me things with Sam. I can’t chat with the other Moms though because he is a full time job. If I stop to chat, he wants down (or out if he’s in a stroller). If I put him down he WILL hurt himself. I actually hate those mornings (music class and swimming) because I have to work so hard just to keep him engaged. Daniel and I have decided that the classes are good for him because he is getting something out of them (if nothing he is learning that this world has some structure in it and that it doesn’t revolve around Sam) still often I wonder what.

I don’t have a lot of good friends either. None that live near by. Lots of “small talk” friends but no one who would want to meet me for lunch for instance. My closest friend lives about a 45 minute drive away but she has a brood of her own and while she suggests often getting together – whenever I have tried to “make a date” she has had a reason it couldn’t work. I don’t make friends easily either. I never quite know what to do after the “hi, I’m so and so” stage. We make chit chat and might have a really good time together and then the cool person that I would like to be friends with goes off and I don’t know what comes next. No one ever calls when I say give me a call sometime – not that I call anyone – seems weird and fake and I don’t think people really mean it when they say it. There are a couple of moms in the classes I attend with Sam that I wouldn’t mind being friends with but I can’t help feel they probably have their own friends why would they need me. I’m so envious of the other Moms in the Mall I see having lunch or shopping with their two friends and all their kids. Not me; will never be me I’m just so social inept. So days when my husband calls and tells me he won’t be home until after 10 and I’ve been trapped with the kids for 4 days and there are another 3 looming just depress me.

Mom takes the kids for me as a break every Thursday. Two Thursday’s ago she had another commitment so she didn’t take them. Then last Thursday Nana was here so again no break and then this Thursday Mom is preparing for a big party on Friday so I won’t get a break either. Ironically in the two months she has been doing this Thursday is the day I could really use the break. I’m honestly in tears here and I really don’t know why. I’m just tired and really lonely. Oh this is just silly but hey we all can be silly eh.

Sam is up from his nap and he’s hungry and grumpy (no kidding he refused to eat lunch so he is of course starved) so I must run. Kamryn has ballet tonight. Daniel’s overtime means I have to keep a 17 month old entertained in the hall outside Kamryn’s ballet class for an hour. Wonderful. Must go feed them.

I'm not really as pathetic as I sound. Just one of those days I guess.

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween all.

This is Kamryn's birthmother's favorite holiday. Tracy posted and asked if I had photos to share with the kids' birthparents. Already sent them some and will send some tomorrow after tonight's "festivities." They are both sooooo excited. Kamryn for trick or treating. Sam because he has a stuffed banana. lol This had to be shared with their birthparents. How could I not?

I have had a few comments in the past few days on our relationship with the kids' birthparents (most I guess because I'm dwelling on it at present; I won't always; I promise). What I keep in mind mostly when dealing with the children's birth families is that one day in the not so distant future I'm going to be called on to explain how I treated them and why by the two people who matter most in this Kamryn and Sam. I don't want to have to defend myself, I want them to know I did everything I possibly could. It is, as I see it, one of the best ways to show them how much I love them.

Okay, back to Halloween. :) Pictures from this morning: I'm alone today (Daniel left for work early and the Lord knows when he will be home) and have to take advantage of any chance I get. These are pre and post pre-school.

Showing her Monkey Face

Showing her other "Monkey" face.


Kamryn and her best bud Madison (names changed to protect the innocent :)) at preschool (these two are inseperable and more trouble then their adorable demeanors suggest). I was openly jealous of Madison's costume. lol

Monkeying about.


And again.

Horton Hatches an Egg

So I just read this story to Kamryn somewhat against my better judgment (an irresponsible parenting moment perhaps as normally I would screen something questionable first but I thought “really, it’s Dr. Suess”). I like Dr. Suess. I got a treasury from the library and this story was in it. I had a general gist of what it was about and my reluctance to read it was based on an attack it took on www.INCIID.org as "anti-birthparent." I took the approach that sometimes a story is just a story and needs to be taken at face value.

For those who haven't read it this is the gist:

An elephant agrees to egg-sit for an irresponsible bird. The bird then disappears for months, but Horton, whose motto is "I meant what I said and I said what I meant; an elephant's faithful, 100 percent", never abandons his post, despite the amazing (and amusing) difficulties this entails. In the end, as the egg hatches the bird returns (actually accidently stumbles upon poor Horton and the egg) and demands her egg back. While they argue about it the egg hatches and it is an "elephant-bird" that looks just like Horton so Horton gets to keep it.

This book was written in 1940 - I find it hard to believe it was ever intended to be anti-birthparent. I can see how one could see it that way as an adult BUT I can't see a child getting that connotation or maybe I just need to take off my rose-coloured glasses. Regardless, Kamryn knows her birthparents aren’t lazy and never abandoned her. We tell her regularly how much they love her even though she doesn’t quite get it yet.

Still, would I read her racists material even though we teach her that all people are equal? Certainly not. So I’m a little torn and feel a little guilty. Awful thing is she listened with rapt attention and was thrilled at the end when the little elephant-bird is born. I really don’t know what the right thing to do here is. Not really sure I can read it again. I guess there are so many Dr. Suesses, I shouldn’t mourn the loss of one questionable one.

I once stopped watching a sitcom because of their portrayal of infertility, I was too disgusted to watch what had been a favorite show because of the light they made of and experience that ripped my heart apart daily. I know that the majority of birthparents are far from the “lazy Maisye bird” in the story. I can’t turn a blind eye because the rest of the story is kinda cute. Okay this is why I like writing, it really helps move the thought process along. I didn’t think I would end up here but… here I am. Bye Horton (at least in this particular story as that elephant gets around). Sorry for the obvious stream of consciousness format of this post.

Visit With Sam's Birth-Grandmother

So Sam’s grandmother FINALLY made it here.

She called Tuesday afternoon and left a message on our answering machine to let us know she would arrive Wednesday evening. The visit went well. Although it started with some frustration and some challenges. We have a Mazda Tribute which is a baby SUV (it’s a “pretty” Ford Escape really), with the car seats in it only holds us so we rented a mini-van for her visit and told her we would pick her up at the bus station at 5:15. Daniel brought the mini-van, a Chevy Uplander, home at 4:30 and preceded to put the car seats in. At 5:00 totally frustrated he was still working on it. Stupid, stupid, mini-van – we will NEVER buy an Uplander (not that it was high on our list anyways). So we were late to the bus station; I was so worried that “Nana” would think we had abandoned her. In the end we weren’t all that late (ended up being less then 5 minutes) and she was very understanding. We picked her up and went to dinner.

Sam was really happy to see her – by the end of her less than 24 hr. stay he was even saying her name – impressive considering he has a spoken vocabulary of less then 10 words although we do show him her picture almost daily and talk about her. On Thursday we picked her up at the hotel and went to Sears for pictures. Pictures went well although I’m really tired of teenagers, who know nothing about tiny kids, being responsible for picture taking – we are done with Sears photo forever (a number of other problems I won’t go into now have led to this decision)! We had lunch and then took the kids to an indoor park and for a little shopping. Sam wasn’t on his best behavior but he wasn’t on his worst either which was good. She got a somewhat accurate picture of his life and how he was doing (i.e. really well). He had a couple of meltdowns especially on Thursday where we kept him up about 2 hours past his usual nap time (hey it’s not every day he’s got to spend with her) but that’s par for the course with him.

Daniel and I did all right I think. I think I had more of a challenge to deal with than Daniel although it all could have been in my head. It seemed to me that Sam deferred a little to Nana when he needed something rather than me (and I pouted a little internally about that) but as I said it could just have been me being over sensitive. Kamryn was a handful. Nana tried to chat with Kamryn but her attention was obviously on Sam and poor little Kamryn was just screaming “NOTICE ME!” for most of the visit. This is a big problem we’ve been dealing with this month so this visit was really ill-timed in relation to that but it couldn’t really be helped. Kamryn gets PLENTY of attention but like most older siblings I’m guessing she doesn’t see it that way.

Sam parted from Nana very well, again considering he had to have been exhausted, and he ate a good dinner and slept well last night. The way we planned things inadvertently kept us on the road and away from home. Nana was never at our house which in hindsight was a good thing. He didn’t wake up this morning and look for her for instance as Kamryn did at his age when her cousins (adopted not birth) came to visit (nothing sadder than watching a toddler search a house for people who are no longer there). He was a bit of a challenge today but I think that’s mostly related to being overtired from all the activity yesterday AND his teeth, which I thought were all in (guess I thought wrong), seem to be bothering him.

So that was our first meeting. I’m hoping that now that Nana has visited and seen that he is all right there will be less urgency for another visit anytime soon. I want him to continue his relationship with his birth family but on the other hand it’s so very stressful for all concerned (both us and Nana). Once a year, I can handle no problem but I don’t think I want to encourage much more than that right now. Nevertheless, I suspect it will be more often than once a year and I would never refuse a request to visit. Nana is obviously lonely (she talked A LOT about trying to meet a man; talk about an awkward conversation) and I feel for her but (and I have to keep reminding myself of this) Sam is our concern and Nana is an adult that we aren’t responsible for, hard as that is. She’s a nice person and obviously important to Sam. We want to help her but we didn’t adopt her.

The good news that came out of the visit is Sam’s birthmother seems to be doing soooooo much better (she was kind of “lost” there for awhile, most literally). She has gone “home” and good things seem to be happening for her (she has some problems that I can’t/won’t get into here but if you’re the type, keep her in your prayers; she needs them.).

Ramadan and US

So we're having a lazy Sunday morning at home. We went to mass last night and it's rainy, wet and cold out. We're all in our PJs, Daniel on one couch with a blanket, me on another with a comforter. I'm, obviously, writing. Radio is on and the kids are playing and making it impossible for me to listen to my favorite CBC radio programme.

Kamryn's birthfather is a Muslim; he's Kenyan. When we first met him (maybe he didn't want to scare us ) he really downplayed his level of devotion. Told us he didn't really practice etc. etc. Well the first time he visited we found out that he didn't eat Pork, drink alcohol etc. Okay. Ramadan is on now and it's apparent from his e-mails that he is fasting etc. So I guess it is MUCH more important to him than he indicated initially (fasting for Ramadan is not taken lightly and is quite a commitment - 27 days of no food from sun-up until sundown) so I've decided it needs to become more important to us. We obviously aren't going to convert to Islam but we would like to teach Kamryn a little about it. Ramadan is the most scared time of year to those who adhere to the Muslim faith. That's ALL I know . So I'm trying to learn a little.

The more I learn and I still know almost nothing the more complicated things seem to be getting. This isn't a straight forward religion at all. Anyway we certainly aren't going to fast from sun-up until sundown for a month but there seems to be an "out." Muslims who don't keep the fast can atone for their sins by making a charitable donation at the end of Ramadan; this is something that I think we as non-Muslims could incorporate into our lives (and reconcile with our lives as Catholics) I also think that we could participate, somewhat, in "Id-al-Fitr" which is the three-day celebration at the end of Ramadan but sharing in some of the foods prepared for this feast. This is also horribly intimidating as it involves a whole bunch of foods and dishes that are not what I'd call common in "cosmopolitan " Ottawa. I think though that I can probably find a restaurant somewhere to help me out here (I was going to actually cook but was quickly overwhelmed bu foods I've never experienced). I will start asking around this week. See what I can discover. If we lived in Montreal this would be sooooo very much easier. We have a Muslim community here but it's pretty small.

Next time Kamryn's birthfather visits I will have to see if maybe he would teach me a little (he is a professional chef).

Birthparent Contact

We have a pretty open adoption with Kamryn's birthparents. Since birth I've sent monthly e-mail updates to both of them. Once a year I send all the pictures we have of Kamryn to them on CD. They are computer savvy and very comfortable with this form of communication. Her birthfather calls about every 6 weeks (no schedule though). He visits about once a year.

I'm comfortable with this and have always maintained that a short time out of my life brightens their's immeasurably so it's a duty that I have done cheerfully. Nevertheless, the monthly updates were really becoming a chore (easy when she was an infant and really changed a lot in a month harder now when she doesn't invent the wheel daily). Time, now that I'm not a work and have 2 children to care for, was also becoming an issue. I had a complaint in my old journal about not updating often enough that got my blood boiling especially considering the people I needed to be updating weren't getting their updates (often my journal posting was taken from modified e-mails to Kamryn's birthparents). I thought about giving them this blog address but that would mean editing my entries and my idea was to let it all hang out here. My e-mails to them are "special" there are some things I share that I would NEVER share here and vice a versa.

I've always had in the back of my mind the "disappearing adoptive parents" I have read about in horror on adoptions.com message boards (I think that is the URL haven't been there in over a year). The advice I got when we were in the initial stages of Kamryn's adoption "always promise less than you're willing to do so you don't have to disappoint" echoed like a nagging housewife in my subconcious. I always meant the once a month thing to end after a year and move to a looser schedule but we never had a real "contact" agreement and I didn't have the cahones to stop something I knew they appreciated. So I missed a monthly update a few months back and then her July update I told them wouldn't happen as we were going to be on the road and then September hadn't been written and we were most of the way through October. Before this year I had missed maybe one. So last night I told her birthparents that I couldn't do regular updates anymore for various reasons and that would try to send them wh en the spirit moved me updates (going try for quarterly but I'm thinking that without a specific deadline that I feel beholden to that they may be more often). They seemed to have taken it well - they were both very gracious about loosening up our scheduled contact and very thankful for the last 3 1/2 years.

Sam's birthfamily is a different animal. I told them I would do monthly e-mail as well but his birthmother keeps disappearing (haven't had any real contact with her at all) and his birth grandmother calls us about every 2 weeks so e-mails there haven't been scheduled at all. It has just evolved differently as I guess these things do. Because he is a little boy the family got to know there is a whole bunch of people with a vested interest in what he is up to. With the exception of his birthgrandmother, Nana, I think they all pretty much hate us as well. Also, they aren't really "computer people." Samantha, Sam's birthmom talked about web cams etc. etc. when we met her but she's a big dreamer and doesn't really think things through. Things might change with her when reality descends and she matures a little but for now there isn't really any incentive to try as the e-mails are pretty much going into a black hole.

Miss Kamryn

I wrote a long pleading e-mail to Kamryn’s birthparents today. I hope I didn’t disappoint them too much. Since we took Kamryn home I’ve been writing them once a month giving them a progress report on her. This has understandably got harder and harder as she has now reached a stage where not a lot changes in her life from one month to the next. I can find things to say but all the e-mails were beginning to sound alike to me. It was also becoming quite a chore. I know most people with open adoptions normally end the monthly updates after a year. I wanted to end it at a year but didn’t know how to tell them. With Sam in the picture though it was just becoming to hard. I asked them if they would accept (as if they really have a choice; I just don’t want to become one of those adoptive families I hear about that cut off the birthparents) a looser “publication schedule.” They are pretty reasonable people and I hope they understand.

Yesterday we took Kamryn to see the new Wallace and Grommit movie. I would love to write about how much she loved it but I don’t think she did. Her attention span just isn't there yet. She sure was squirmy. She loved the experience for sure – she loved the eating part. We let her have popcorn for the first time and we split a box of Glosset raisins and she had this sickening sweet kool-aid slushy that we made the concession clerk cut with water because it was so sweet it made my eyes water. Lol When we got home she was sooooo hyper. She wouldn’t stop talking a mile a minute. At one point just to get some peace and quiet I sent her to hide in a mock game of hide and seek (I did seek but I took my time between her hiding and my seeking). She obviously doesn’t quite get the concept. Her first hiding stop was standing at the table in our family room with her eyes covered. She did improve as spot # 2 was under a comforter where I honestly couldn’t see her (she is small enough that there was no discernible lump). Crazy kid.

Today she had a great time “helping” me to clean the fridge. Pretty certain that when she is old enough to really help that will be the furthest thing from what she wants to do. She also helped her Dad blanch carrots from our garden the other day. Here’s a photo.


We have at least 20 lbs of carrots. I have no idea how we are going to eat 20 lbs of carrots! We just had out last fresh tomato from the garden tonight for dinner. Pretty impressive for late October. We’ve been eating fresh tomatoes since the first week of August. We’ve had tomatoes with breakfast, lunch and dinner. Our vitamin C counts must be awesome.

Okay this post started out about Kamryn and ended up about vegetables. That’s awful and certainly a sign that I have nothing to write about.

The Connundrum that is my little man

I don’t understand Sam sometimes. Today I gave my fridge a much needed cleaning. Our family room adjoins our kitchen. The family room is full of toys and fun things. The kitchen … nothing but danger so where does Sam like to play? So We barricaded him in the family room (two chairs blocking the opening not covered by the couch). The squeezed himself between the chair and the play kitchen that was blocking his way and screamed and cried until I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was 4 feet away from him at most the whole time. Chatting with him etc. He wasn’t ever alone. When I couldn’t handle the shrieking and crying anymore I picked him up and put him in his high chair with a plastic cup. He sat there for the next half hour completely content with NOTHING to do and further away from me than he had been in the two overflowing family room. I don’t understand.

He’s in the oddest mood today. He ended up going to bed with no supper at 6 pm. He normally naps 3 – 4 hours in the afternoon. Today he barely slept for two and despite trying to rock him back to sleep twice was having nothing to do with his nap. He also wanted nothing to do with his dinner although the moment we would take him out of his chair he would sign that he was hungry and cry his little heart out. We tried to give him dinner 3 times before we gave up and decided that if all he was going to do is scream it was best to put him to bed. He went down immediately and has been silent since. Super early for him to go down though (6 pm). Don’t know what is going on there. Similar thing last night though. I’m taking comfort in the fact that he ate enough for lunch to keep a linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys content.

On a good note he is becoming quite the conversationalist. :) He is really doing well signing. He’s got about 15 signs which is pretty much what his lazy parents have attempted to teach him. I have to go online and find some other words that he could use. He comments on things now rather than just asking for things. He is also really proficient with the please and thank you it’s very cute to see. He’s also quite a prankster. He’s got a good sense of humour. For instance he was teething pretty seriously over the past weeks and lived with one hand of the other ALWAYS in his mouth. Lately, as his teeth are pretty much in we’ve been trying to break this new habit. So we tell him when we see him wandering around with his hand in his mouth to take it out. He will look at you full in the face and grin and then pretend to put it back and then laugh at you. Too cute. He “challenges” that way pretty much with anything you tell him not to do. I’m sure it will be annoying eventually but right now it’s just neat to watch his mind work that way. In my opinion it’s also a demonstration of sorts that he is beginning to understand that his actions have consequences. This is wonderful considering the pestering worry that he might have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or worse (if there is a worse).

Took some shots of the kids in the bath earlier this week. I really love this one of Sam, it really catches his personality.

Okay I'm going to rant again a little. Sam's birth-grandmother is driving us insane, slowly but surely. We have tried to be compassionate. She wanted to come for Sam's baptism which was in last month. We thought it was kind of soon (after placement) for a visit but we reluctantly went along with it because he seemed to be adjusting all right and we wanted to be nice. The day before she called and said she wasn't coming because she had to work. Okay. She said she would maybe come the following weekend. The next weekend we put everything on hold for her and never heard from her. Then later the next week she called and said that it looked like a weekend wouldn't work because she kept getting called to work and asked about coming mid-week we said sure and then we waited; a week went by; then two. Then she said she was coming so we cleared our schedule, prepared ourselves, made plans, rented a mini-van (we all can't fit in our car-seat filled SUV) got all nervous and ... nothing (she was supposed to call earlier in the week to provide details). Didn't hear from her so I had Daniel call her the night before she was due and no she decided not to come (she had to go "home" because of problems with Sam's birthmother). Sigh. Okay, I know this will be hard for her but it's not as if we are forcing her. If she doesn't want to come tell us and don't come but don't keep us on a hook like this. Daniel told her when he called that Kamryn's birthfather has made plans to come in November and that he will take precedence (he's coming from farther away AND he doesn't keep changing his mind) if they both plan on coming the same week. To make matters worse, she insisted on buying Sam a snowsuit for this winter. She said she would bring it when she came ... ummmm it dips below freezing every night now and he still doesn't have a proper winter coat because we are waiting on her. I feel bad that he's going to end up with two coats because soon I'm going to have to go out and buy him one anyways. Daniel says that she implied during their last conversation that she might put it in the mail to arrive before Halloween. Let's hope. For now he can wear Kamryn's old jacket but it's lilac and I'm a little embarassed for the kid wandering around his is older sister's girly hand-me-down.

I am SUCH a moron

I get mid-cycle pain, crippling mid-cycle pain. Well I have finally convinced my doctor to do something more proactive about it (rather than just prescribing stronger and stronger anti-inflamatories; I think we have maxed out her options there as it is) and have a whole bunch of tests and appointments with specialists set up in the coming weeks.

Still in the back of my "reverse-hypochondriac" mind (there are regular hypochndriac tendancies there as well) I keep asking myself if its all in my head. It's because I can be bent over in pain one minute and then half an hour later dealing with a dull ache that is easy to ignore. When the pain is gone I always ask myself if it's really as bad as I thought it was.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for Thursday. My doctor told me to schedule it for a time when I am actually in pain. Now you have to schedule the ultrasounds 3 weeks to a month in advance. As this pain is related to ovulation and I'm as regular as clockwork I thought I was being smart and pretty much nailed when the pain would arrive again (it was due yesterday or today). So yesterday I was feeling pretty good. The questions started flowing right and left. I even voiced my doubt to Daniel who suffers right along with me cause I don't sleep when dealing with this so neither does he. Right before I went to bed I felt a twinge or two but nothing that I would EVER think to call a doctor about. Doubt set in. I started thinking what if it doesn't start hurting? What if there is nothing wrong and I'm just wasting everyone's time and money? What if I making a fool of myself? What if the ultrasound shows nothing. I'm actually somewhat certain it won't show anything as this is my third ultrasound for the same complaint but still it bothers me.

Anyway, so here I was hoping and praying that the pain would kick in the way it was expected to. This afternoon I got my wish. It arrived and it brought along friends! What was I thinking - hoping to be ill? A normal, sane, and intelligent person would be sitting and hoping that by some miracle of miracles she would be spontaneously cured. Not I. Fool that I am. I'm being sorely punished for my stupidity. At least the ultrasound on Thursday won't be a waste of time.

You'd think that since I had reproductive organs that are essentially useless that they would have the courtesy to lie there quietly and bug me as little as possible. Nope they have to remind me monthly that they are there pretending to do what they are supposed to be doing. Evil things!

Remind Me: She BEGGED to go skating

My sweet and adorable husband just came down the stairs carrying toilet bowl cleaner. He was upstairs putting Sam to bed. It was my turn for the human tornado that is Kamryn and I technically finished before him as I read her about eighty stories before we went up to bed so she only got one story in the actual bed. That and I don't have to sit and rock her to sleep. I say technically because I just heard little footsteps upstairs and she might not be in bed anymore.

Why is it so gosh darn charming that Daniel is walking around carrying toilet bowl cleaner? Well first Daniel is far from a neat freak. His normal idea of cleaning the bathroom is to make sure there aren't any towels on the floor. Secondly, the cleaning ladies (we have two that come twice a month) were here today. Anyway he didn't like the way they "cleaned" of downstairs bathroom and thus did something about it while I sat on the couch doing nothing. Now I feel like a slug. lol A slug with a super husband.

He was a godsend today. On those Fridays that the cleaning ladies come I try to leave the house with both kids before they arrive. This is for several reasons, first because I'm embarrassed that someone is cleaning my mess; second, because we get in the way; and third, because I am embarrassed that someone is cleaning my mess. It's always tough though since I don't really know when they will get here. They tend to arrive anytime after 10:00 and generally leave before 2:00 give or take 15 minutes. The house has to be pretty orderly for them to clean and well we aren't an orderly family. Laundry must be put away, dishes shelved, toys tucked away etc. etc.

Now I have plenty of time to do that on Thursday but invariably Friday morning roles around and there is so much left to be done. I then run around like a mad chicken straightening so when my "friends" as Kamryn refers to them come I'm not even more embarrassed about my lousy housekeeping skills. Having an extra set of hands to help with the mad scramble helps immensely.

The next wonderful thing about having Daniel about on a Friday is that keeping two under-4s entertained for 4 hours outside the house on a rainy Friday is harder than it may seem. Last time we visited the Museum. Today the plan was skating and then shopping. Both were being cranky and uncooperative. We left early for skating with an idea that we could hang out in the library for a half hour and maybe they could learn a little too. Ummmm... what were we thinking. We walked into the bright cheery and QUIET library and I knew we were doomed. I saw what I thought was a cool book for Sam. It was about trains and was super wide. Turns out it was to be read with the book turned on it's edge. Sam couldn't care less. What he wanted to do most was pull books off the shelves and throw them on the floor (he generally likes reading just not this morning). So I put him on my hip and went in search of some books I wanted to read (Lemony Snicket's A series of Unfortunate Events; yup I'm into reading kids books of late). He wasn't really happy with this turn of events so regular shrieks filled the library. Kamryn on the other hands wasn't much better. She had no interest in reading but much interest in torturing her brother and invoking more shrieks. We didn't last long at the library and headed for the rink a little earlier than planned (they are in the same complex). Turns out that wasn't such a bad idea. Took FOREVER to get tickets for skating and then there is all the effort involved in suiting up a preschooler and a toddler for skating.

Kamryn has real skates and has been skating since last January. Kamryn was skating pretty well at the end of last season. She started in January and by March (maybe 6 skating sessions later) could easily make a lap of the arena without tumbling over. Today wasn't all that successful. She got out there and was skating along doing not so bad when she had her first tumble, maybe 15 feet into her first skate. Boom! Down on her posterior, her previously well padded and diapered posterior and now gloriously diaper free and bony as can be. Ouch! She was done right then and there. After drying her tears, I managed to convince her to skate a little more with the reassurance brought on by the skating frame (metal frame about the size of a folding chair intended to help new skaters stay upright; we hadn't been using it up to that point) but in general she was determined not to have any fun until just before we were about to go when I had the brilliant idea of faking a fall myself to show her that it didn't have to hurt if she fell "right." She skated off the ice (about 30 feet) under her own steam (no skating frame that is) but it took a bribe of promised candy to get her to do that.

We got Sam bobskates (which are pretty useless in my opinion). Sam really seemed to enjoy himself, not that he did all that much skating. He could go about 2 steps before he would tumble over even on the bob skates. He spent most of the session being held between either Daniel or myself and a skating frame and whizzing about the ice with his feet occasionally touching the ice. Midway through the session and old guy who you could tell had done some serious figure skating in his day (circa 1823) came over to explain to me that I shouldn't have him on bob skates but real skates because he would learn the wrong feel. Ummmm... he's not even 17-months old yet and hasn't even been walking 4 full months yet. Give the kid a break. In the old guy's defence we did try him in Kamryn's skates (her skates are adjustable and fit size 8 though 11 so not terribly big on him) in our family room and didn't think it would work so we did think about it. Additionally, having seen how dismally the bobskates perform we may still go out and but him "real" skates.

We finished off our day-out with an uneventful but whiney-post-skating-tired-kid-what-were-you-thinking trip to the mall (can't go home because my friends were still cleaning). Which wasn't all that bad except Kamryn was denied a trip to the indoor park because she was being a whiney post skating tired kid (lol Daniel had no patience today). She cleaned up though on clothes. I got her a super cute Christmas "all-day" outfit (I always plan two outfits. A "drop dead gorgeous Christmas card go to church outfit" and a "I'm a kid and need to be comfortable but still cute and Christmassy" outfit). I stood in the store staring at their Halloween stuff while waiting to pay for this Christmas outfit thinking hmmm... Halloween, I should buy them some stuff for next year when it occurred to me that Halloween hasn't even come yet. Geez. I remember the days when nothing Christmassy went up until after US Thanksgiving. Soon they will be putting Christmas stuff up in July.

I must admit that as I take my regular place on the couch I'm a little stiff and sore from our skating sojourn (much time spent bent over to the height of the skating frame supporting little bodies.) Daniel (who is storing up major points here) has darted out to the store to get some milk for the kids and chocolate (well he WAS going out anyways. The house is quiet except for the patter of little feet that should be in bed. Off to scold the owner of those feet. Cheers. :)

The One in Which Sibling Rivalry Final Rears Its Ugly Head

First off, I'd like to welcome all the friends who have followed me here. I am flattered by your friendship and loyalty and so glad you made the effort. A blog doesn't have much purpose unless it has readers and I admit to not knowing whether I would have any or not. I'm a tough person to befriend. I have ridiculously high standards (I'm the first to admit it) and I don't pull punches. I do so much value good friends though. So thank you.

Okay onto my belly-aching. lol

Sigh. Been one of those morning. We’ve had a lot of them in the last 4 months since Sam came home but this one is definitely unique although we should have seen it coming as the tremors have been increasing in strength over the last week or so. This morning’s (or actually afternoon’s) earthquake was a good 8.2 on the richter scale.

Some background although not a lot because most of the people reading this I expect know our background pretty well. Kamryn was a domestic infant adoption (I will post her story – copied from elsewhere – at some point in the near future). I held her, hell I breastfed her, within 15 hours of her entering this world. Sam was a much different story. He was a domestic toddler adoption. After a nightmare of red tape and false starts he came home on June 6th of this year. He was 2 weeks past his 1st birthday. It’s a VERY rough age to adopt a child at. They are way young to understand what is happening in their lives. It is impossible to explain it to them yet they are extremely aware that their universe has been completely upended. Sam has taken it, from what we have been told, extremely well. It has been pretty rough on both ends though. We knew it would be going in but there is a marked difference between reading about something in a book and having a living and breathing being throwing things at you and screaming his head off in your kitchen.

I’m not looking for sympathy at all but I must have heard a gazillion times in the last 4 months: “how is Sam doing?” No one has asked how we are doing. It’s exhausting and it’s hard and many a time I’ve thought we made a mistake. Life was so simple when it was just the three of us. Kamryn was at an age where she was getting more and more independent. We were settled and secure. It was easy. One kid is easy. Then we went and shook the boat. I wonder if it would have been easier had we adopted another newborn. I’m almost certain it would have been. Easier on all three of us. We have Sam though and we wouldn’t trade him for anything. I told Daniel the other day driving home from somewhere or another that I finally understood what people say about an inability to love different children equally. The love itself is of the same intensity but you love them both differently. It’s hard to explain but it’s just different not less or more but different.

Sam is an extremely stubborn little boy who hasn’t a patient bone in his body and likes to cry, shriek, yell at the top of his voice to get whatever he wants. We don’t know it that’s just how he is (all his paperwork talks about what a bubbly kid he is/was and how he seldom cries); if it’s something been yanked from all that was familiar to him has done; or if he was simply spoiled rotten before coming to us. Things we will never know. He threw his first tantrum the first day he came home. We had some canned pop and didn’t share it with him. They have grown more intense and violent since although I think they may have decreased in frequency). He can scream for 45 minutes solid if you don’t give him what he wants immediately (and of course we don’t). How do you bond with a little boy that works so hard to repulse you. It was exhausting for all of us and had me in tears more than once. Alternatively he can be so sweet. He is very free with kisses and hugs. When you put him in his crib at night, if he is still awake and not mad about some perceived offence he will turn to you as you leave the room, give a little smile and say “buh bye.” It the nicest way to end a rough day. That’s how you bond, and we’re getting there. He is attaching (maybe a little to much to me even, I’m smothering a little and I think Daniel is a little jealous) and we are bonding.

The bond with Kamryn on the other had was/is/has been instantaneous. The two were inseparable almost from the first day they met (the day before his 1st birthday). When people would ask how they were doing as siblings I would quip, “well… the can’t bear to be apart and they try to kill each other when they are together.” It was very true.

Me (getting dressed in the other room): Kamryn why is Sam crying?
Kamryn (“playing” with Sam is his room): Because I’m sitting on him.

There were some fits of jealousy from Kamryn (i.e. carrying around a particular toy all day so Sam couldn’t have it, the sitting incident, a day where she took to biting him repeatedly) but nothing that we couldn’t deal with. She did so very well and we were so proud of her. There was also some evidence that the stress of the whole situation was getting to her too. We took special effort to spend time with her and have he get things off her chest and burn off nervous energy. We were extra understanding when she was being a pain etc. She seemed to adjust well. She potty trained both night and day over this time even. We thought we had cleared the biggest hurdles.

Today has been horrendous. The past few days she has been using baby-talk in a most annoying manner. We have ignored it, as it seemed an overt attempt for extra attention. Today the floodgates just burst. It’s like having 16 month old twins. She is asking for things in the demanding, I-only-know-3-words-and-must-cry-a lot manner of her little brother. We have huge problems getting Sam to eat so Kamryn was mimicking that. When she got on my last nerve and I sent her up for her nap without having the opportunity to finish the lunch that she was intent on not eating anyways, what a tantrum that invoked. She hated her “new” room (she’s been in it since April, 2 months before Sam came home). She hated her “new” bed. She wanted her old bed back etc. etc. etc. A yelling, screaming, shouting, fit that went on endlessly. Nothing was as she wanted. Nothing was enough. Thank the Lord Daniel is home and I didn’t have to deal all on my own (to make matters worse I have an injured right elbow and was just to the doctors this morning and have instructions to rest it as much as possible. Impossible to rest anything while fighting with a tantruming 33 lb, 3-year old).

I put Sam down for his nap and Daniel took Kamryn out of a walk and to work in the garden. She should be napping but she probably needs this more. Ugh! The joys of two kids.

I was thinking the other day that I might be happier had we stayed an only child family and almost as part of the same thought I knew that I wouldn’t have been. Hard as the adjustment has been the reasons I wanted a second child are all being fulfilled. He brings such joy to all of us. When Kamryn isn’t busy torturing him they play so wonderfully well together. The dynamic of our family has changed mostly for the better. I look forward to his growing up a little more so that we can more easily engage in family activities but we are getting there. I am enjoying watching that transformation take place in his little body. This morning he was totally distressed because he pulled off his sock and couldn’t put it back on. I’m so overjoyed with my two children and I guess if I can be happy I need to accept that there are two sides to every coin and it’s all right not to be happy all the time.

Having just written that I guess Kamryn’s awful morning is completely justified as well (I just glanced into the backyard and she is having a wonderful time playing in the garden :)).

I’m going to have a cup of tea and some Oreos and watch a little TV.

Typically Atypical

So now things get complicated. How are we not typical? The question makes me think perhaps it's self-centered of me to think we are not. There are a lot of families out there just like us (some a darn sight more interesting; I "know" many of them having "met" them online). We are a family formed by adoption. I look at our family photo, of which I'm quite proud, sitting on the mantle of our fire place (the same one at the beginning of this post) and think it looks so perfect and genuine. At the time it was taken (July 2005) we had been a family unit less then 8 weeks. While we looked the part we were still very much working out the kinks. We still are for that matter. I don't know when we'll be done with that, if ever, but is any family?

I wonder how the family dynamic is different in families that come together because Mom and Dad were feeling a little frisky one night rather than that families formed after years of infertility problems, invasive infertility treatments, stressful homestudy processes, expensive and every more stressful adoption proceedings. I suspect most times it isn't any different whatsoever. However, I spend a lot of my waking time thinking about the adoption part of our equation. It prevades everything I do, everything I think about. It's always there just under the surface. When I go to a Mommy and Me class with Sam I'm thinking, do these people know. Would they care? Do they know what we went through to have this little miracle in our family? Do they realize as I struggle to deal with a tantrum that it's likely not a "normal" tantrum and that this little boy has been through more in his short life then they will likely experience in their lifetime and probably handled it better then they ever could have? I'm smiling and chatting about age appropriate milestones of our similarly aged progeny (see there we go he's not my progeny) but I'm thinking all those other things.

When I sit down to surf parenting websites during my copious amounts of freetime, I go to the adoption sites or the infertility sites. I've been to the normal parenting ones. I lurk sometimes but I rarely post. I don't fit in and I don't understand and it's better to be anonymous on the sidelines. I spend a lot of time on my two favorite sites. I have good friends there. I feel comfortable and at home there. I also have that journal that I kept for ages. Had I got pregnant when I set out on my journey towards a family seven years ago I suspect that I never would have thought twice about participating in any kind of online community. Figured I had gotten that out of my system when I met and married Daniel (more on that someday in the future). I would continue quietly going about my existence and raising my family. Now I'm an online addict. My online friends are a lifeline that I couldn't live without (well I probably could but I would miss them so ...).

My experiences would be so different. So much more "typical" but what is typical anyways. Would we be more typical if IUI #1 had worked, #2? How about IVF#3 our "Hail Mary pass"? Everyone has their history don't they? A little more on ours later... Cheers.

Well this is me ...

Hi,

I'm trying to decide how anonymous I want to be here. I have an online journal that I've kept for (ack!) 5 years now! I've been pretty open there about my real name, location etc. I always figured that I'm not interesting enough for that information to be damaging in any way. However, I've always wondered about what would happen if a family member or friend googled me because it would come up (BTDT) and well... I'm pretty honest in that journal. Perhaps here we will all have pseudonyms to guard against that. Could be kind of fun having different names. lol

Then again might be pretty confusing for everyone who reads this who "knows" the "real" me. Ah well if I can adjust I'm sure they can. So who are we:

Typical family of four in almost all ways then on the other hand we're a typical family of four in no way at all. All at the same time.

Me (okay easy, to give everyone else in the family a new name. Not so easy to give myself one) hmmmm... Mary-Louise(I picked it off the cover of the TV guide sitting in front of me it was that or Elizabeth) : 37, house wife and stay-at-home-Mom, for now, Defence Policy Development Officer come April 2006

Daniel: 43, loving husband, father and freelance television broadcast technician

Kamryn: 3, preschooler, part-time ballerina and sometime soccer player

Samuel: 1, Dr. Destructo, Lord of the Dance :)

We live in the suburbs in Ottawa, Canada. In a typical two-story, three bedroom, single family home. We have no pets. See I told you pretty typical. I guess I'll get into the why we aren't typical part in my next entry but now you know all the really important, bone-wearily normal stuff that anyone bumping into us as we shopped for milk at the local Superstore could probably figure out in a second and a half. Nice to meet you.