We have a pretty open adoption with Kamryn's birthparents. Since birth I've sent monthly e-mail updates to both of them. Once a year I send all the pictures we have of Kamryn to them on CD. They are computer savvy and very comfortable with this form of communication. Her birthfather calls about every 6 weeks (no schedule though). He visits about once a year.
I'm comfortable with this and have always maintained that a short time out of my life brightens their's immeasurably so it's a duty that I have done cheerfully. Nevertheless, the monthly updates were really becoming a chore (easy when she was an infant and really changed a lot in a month harder now when she doesn't invent the wheel daily). Time, now that I'm not a work and have 2 children to care for, was also becoming an issue. I had a complaint in my old journal about not updating often enough that got my blood boiling especially considering the people I needed to be updating weren't getting their updates (often my journal posting was taken from modified e-mails to Kamryn's birthparents). I thought about giving them this blog address but that would mean editing my entries and my idea was to let it all hang out here. My e-mails to them are "special" there are some things I share that I would NEVER share here and vice a versa.
I've always had in the back of my mind the "disappearing adoptive parents" I have read about in horror on adoptions.com message boards (I think that is the URL haven't been there in over a year). The advice I got when we were in the initial stages of Kamryn's adoption "always promise less than you're willing to do so you don't have to disappoint" echoed like a nagging housewife in my subconcious. I always meant the once a month thing to end after a year and move to a looser schedule but we never had a real "contact" agreement and I didn't have the cahones to stop something I knew they appreciated. So I missed a monthly update a few months back and then her July update I told them wouldn't happen as we were going to be on the road and then September hadn't been written and we were most of the way through October. Before this year I had missed maybe one. So last night I told her birthparents that I couldn't do regular updates anymore for various reasons and that would try to send them wh en the spirit moved me updates (going try for quarterly but I'm thinking that without a specific deadline that I feel beholden to that they may be more often). They seemed to have taken it well - they were both very gracious about loosening up our scheduled contact and very thankful for the last 3 1/2 years.
Sam's birthfamily is a different animal. I told them I would do monthly e-mail as well but his birthmother keeps disappearing (haven't had any real contact with her at all) and his birth grandmother calls us about every 2 weeks so e-mails there haven't been scheduled at all. It has just evolved differently as I guess these things do. Because he is a little boy the family got to know there is a whole bunch of people with a vested interest in what he is up to. With the exception of his birthgrandmother, Nana, I think they all pretty much hate us as well. Also, they aren't really "computer people." Samantha, Sam's birthmom talked about web cams etc. etc. when we met her but she's a big dreamer and doesn't really think things through. Things might change with her when reality descends and she matures a little but for now there isn't really any incentive to try as the e-mails are pretty much going into a black hole.
National News
4 years ago
2 comments:
i live for whatever scraps i get from the adoptive parents. while updates were consistent for the first 6 months (per agency agreement), the past several years have dwindled to the annual update (per agreement), and maybe an email here and there (no pictures though). i've always agreed wholeheartedly with the "promise what you can deliver" philosophy. because it really hurts later on when "life gets busy" and an email seems to be too much to ask for.
best wishes.
I am a birthmother to a wonderful boy who is almost 9. We have an open adoption and in the beginning, the first year or two, I saw him very often and we called and e-mailed often. Nine years later, I am married with two kids and TTC#3 and they have also adopted another child. Life gets busy, is my point and it is unfair to expect adoptive parents to feel obligated to a rigid schedule, and it is really sad to try and hold it over their heads. Life moves on. You do the best you can. When I go six months without hearing anything, I do tend to get a little antsy, but I understand that they are busy living their lives, as I am busy living mine and know that it doesn't mean they don't care about me, or about their promises. Sometimes, I hear from them far more frequently. The thing to remember about open adoptions is it enters you into a family relationship and you do the best you can. Don't beat yourself up about it!!!!!
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