The latest stupid Facebook Breast Cancer Awareness letter

I was upset about the last email that I got a few months back - I can't remember the gimmick not having read through it. The day I got it I learned that my SIL who has fought through two bouts of breat cancer now had metatasized cancer in her liver and kidneys (she's still fighting the good fight but her prognosis is not good at all). The frivolioty of it all just made me angry and I wanted to send an angry message back. I didn't because the friend who sent it is the sister of the spouse of a family member (who oddly works hard to raise money for cancer research) and I didn't want to create family discord. I resolved to talk to her quietly about my impressions next time I ran into her.

Today another friend sent me this:

It's that time of year again in support of Breast Cancer Awareness! We all remember last years game of writing your bra color as your status? or the way we like to have our handbag handy?
Remember last year so many people took part that it made national news and the constant updating of status reminded everyone why we're doing this and helped raise awareness!
DO NOT tell any males what the status' mean, keep them guessing And please Broadcast this to all ur female friends to see if we can make a bigger fuss this year than last year ;);)
I did my part... So now its YOUR turn!
The idea is to choose the month You were born and the day you were born. Pass this on to the girls only and lets see how far it reaches around. The last one about the bra went round the world.
So you'll write... I'm (your birth month) weeks and I'm craving (your birth date) !!! as your status :p:p
Example: Feb 14th= I'm 2 weeks and craving Choclolate mints!! ;);)
January-1weekFebuary-2weeksMarch-3weeksApril-4weeksMay-6weeksJune-8weeksJuly-10weeksAugust-12weeksSeptember-13weeksOctober-14weeksNovember-16weeksDecember-18weeks
Days of the month:
1- Skittles2- Starburst3- Kit-Kat4- M&M's5- Tomatoes6- Ice Cream7- Dairy Milk8- Lollipop9- Peanut Butter Cups10- Meat Balls11- Twizzlers12- Bubble Gum13- Hershey's Kisses14- Chocolate Mints15- Twix16- Cheese17- Fudge18- Cherry Jello19- Banana's20- Pickels21- Chicken Wings22- Skittles23- Gummy Bears24- Gummy Worms25- Strawberry Pop Tarts26- Starburst27- Mini Eggs28- Kit-Kat Chunkie29- Double Chocolate Chip Chrunchy Cookies 30- Smarties31- Chocolate Cake
Have Fun! :D:D

So now we are not only bring frivolity to cancer but also to infertility. I know this has been debated ad nauseum but I needed to vent somewhere. I don't think these stupid games raise awareness of anything but stupid games while at the same time being hurtful and insensitive. If you do get this silly letter please don't forward it on - some people just aren't going to get the joke.

Twins?

Not an uncommon question for us.

"No, Kamryn and Sam aren't twins. He is two years younger than she is."

Sales clerk looks at us skeptically. "Really? How old are they?"

It's happening. The eclipse. She's still taller than he is (by about an inch and a half so not really all that noticeable unless they are standing back to back). She outweighs him by one solitary pound - maybe. He was last weighed in July; Kamryn just this week. He wears shoes a half size larger than her.

Since they are opposite sexes I expected him to pass her eventually. I didn't think it would happen at the age of 7.

My kids are too talented for the parents they have.

I don’t know how we got here. Kind of funny.

Kamryn who just turned 9 has been playing the piano since she was 5. She started in a program called Music for Young Children. I pulled her out of what would have been her fourth and final year because in her third year she was leaps and bounds ahead of the other kids in the class and obviously bored. We started private lessons last September. She took her grade one national examinations in January and got first class honours. She started grade two in February and played a grade two piece in a local competition in April and came second in her class (at this point the director of her music school noticed her and things began to move kind of fast). She passed her grade two exams in early June (first class honours again) and moved on to Grade three. She’s now done with grade three and ready for exams again but there isn’t a testing period again until January. Plan was to move ahead with grade four regardless.

Yesterday, the director of the school – who has taken Kamryn on as a pupil proposed that Kamryn prepare for what is called the Canadian Music Competition. It’s a big deal and a national competition. The pieces Kamryn would play are actually a couple of grade levels beyond what she is playing now. Her teacher is positive Kamryn could play them. It would mean pushing Kamryn.

Now Kamryn is not a competitive kid. She’s ALWAYS been content to be an also ran but she’s not above questioning why other kids get recognition for things and she doesn’t – ummm…. you didn’t try at all?!?. If we didn’t push her to do things she’s sit in her room listing to her MP3 player for the rest of her life (seriously). So we push and she’s pretty accommodating because she is generally an accommodating kid. This is different though.

I’m of two minds – challenge her (and I believe she needs the challenge) and this is really something a kid HAS to want for themselves.

I originally wrote this out seeking advice but this is why writing is so great. By the time I got here I knew the answer. I’m definitely caught up in the director’s excitement and my own need to please “authority.” A great opportunity and we’ll tell her teacher that but maybe not for Kamryn this year (or ever). I think we’ll do grade four Conservatory. Take a big swing at the Kiwanis music festival in the spring and see where we are next year.

Interestingly we’re facing similar (but different) challenges with Sam who is such a different kid and stresses over not being the best at anything he tries. He’s been playing U8 soccer this year instead of U7 a little because he is a pretty good soccer player but more because it worked out better for our schedule. It has however kind of messed up where he plays next year as U9 splits into a competitive and house league stream. The U9 house league stream with the club he plays with would be a significant step down for him (we know this because this is where Kamryn is currently playing). When we asked the club coaches for advice they were shocked to learn he is only 7 and saw no problem with him starting competitive play a year early.

We’re supposed to talk to the competitive coach – I’ve been avoiding him. Sam could do it no problem and its what he would want but I was kind of looking forward to one last laid back year with him. Its evident though that we need to do something (either change clubs or let him play competitive). I'm just not ready to deal yet.

Again, don’t know how we got here.

Helpless

Can you spare a thought, a moment, a prayer for Meredith over at Pithydithy?

I have never met Meredith but I’ve “known” her for many years. As we both fought infertility and grew our families we've exchanged e-mails, blogposts, Christmas cards. I consider her a friend and have always looked forward to actually meeting her. She’s a strong, interesting, intelligent woman and she was living an enviable life with two gorgeous sons (her absolute dream) and a sweet and doting husband.

Last week, while on a family vacation the family was involved in a horrific car accident that took the life of her beloved Mr. Pithy. I can’t stop thinking of her and how she will go on. She will go on because she has two special boys who need her. She will endure because she is a strong woman who is looked up to and admired. She will persevere because that’s what people do. But I can’t imagine. It’s going to be very hard. In a split second her entire universe changed...

I'm so angry for her. I'm so confused.

I feel, as I guess most people do in situations like this, completely helpless. My brain can’t comprehend what happened. My heart is searching for a way to fix it. I don’t even feel I can lend real support from so far away... from the other side of a computer. For a little while we planned to go to the funeral but unfortunately our passports expired two weeks ago (to get new ones on short notice is crazy expensive, plus the expense of going to Vermont is just not something we can handle right now) and more significantly, I know that there are others – people that Meredith really knows and loves – that will be there to support her. Still I can’t stop thinking of her and her precious boys and so I turn to my trusty blog; where I’ve always turned in times of despair to talk it out in a post.

But if you can spare a moment of thought for Meredith and her little family …

New Blog

I have a new blog. Not that I'm abandonning this one despite my dirge of posts.

All in all there isn't much to write about here. Things are going fine. We've had some ups and downs lately with regards to Sam (mostly downs which is the problem). I think his medication needs to be adjusted but then again there is only a few weeks left of school. I don't know how much of his behavior can be attributed to ADHD and how much to end of school antsyness. It doesn't help that he finished his grade one curriculum last month and is now basically doing busy work - not the best situation for a boy that needs to be constantly engaged. As we only have two weeks of school left I figured I would let things ride. We already have an appointment set to see his doctor at the end of the month anyway. Also he has periods where he is an absolute angel once he's gotten into enough trouble. I know its hard for him but he is capable of following the classroom rules when he decides he needs to me. Steam, at times, comes out of my ears.

Something disturbing me more and more is the disappearance of his grandmother. She has really disappeared, we know where she is, but she has limited contact so severely I worry something must be up. She missed Christmas and his birthday but somehow remembered to send him something for Easter (his birthday followed Easter)? She's an alcoholic and I wonder if she is drinking. She doesn't call and its just strange. I feel really bad for Sam because he misses her. This kind of behavior is exactly why we weren't enthusiastic over the idea of regular contact with his birthmother (not that it was ever going to happen given her lifestyle anyway). In the end she has been the stable one (well kind of she remembered his birthday but not Christmas). Right now when Sam asks after his Nana we just try to brightly explain that she is very busy and lives very far away. Don't know what more I can say?

He asked us if he was adopted a few months back. Ummm... ya. Poor kid. Just goes to show what they know and what they understand is so totally different. It also highlights Sam's problems with understanding the abstract. Kamryn just understood (she gave her brother a "duh" when he asked the question) but Sam who never asks about adoption knew but obviously didn't understand. We talked about his birthfamily and our family and how if you had a birthfamily and another family you were adopted. He had the parts right he just didn't know how everything fit together.

Anyway, we're all fine.

And I've started running. Well not really. Over three days I've run for a total of 15 minutes but as that is 15 times more than I've run in the last year we're doing well. I've embarked on a couch to 5 K program. I will quit unless others know what I'm doing. I need the peer pressure so I wrote a blog (http://couchtoacrosstheroom.blogspot.com/). If you do pop over to read about how pathetically out of shape it is possible for a healthy individual to get please don't mention this blog. Thanks all.

Can I crow a little about Kamryn?

Kamryn is 8. She's been playing the piano since she was 5 although she started in a group class that was more focused on fun than real progress (which was what we were looking for at that point). She was ALWAYS ahead of her peers so much so that while we loved the program she was in and loved her teacher even more, I pulled her out this year from what would have been her last year and we moved to private lessons. Maya is following the curriculum of the Royal Conservatory of Music. A venerable institution that pretty much anyone who takes music lessons works with. There is a syllabus of music graded from grade 1 through 10. Completing grade 8 will get you a grade 12 high school music credit. It can be serious stuff. Maya and I started casually working on grade 1 last summer (very casually - it was summer break after all). She did her grade 1 exam in January and received first class honours with a grade of 87. She started working on grade two pieces at that point. She competed in a city-wide music festival last week, playing against kids that had likely been working on their pieces since September vice Kamryn's February. Many of the competitors were several years older than her; all of them performed incredibly. Their was this one child, an Asian boy about 8 years old (I must admit to a prejudice. When he entered the room initially – without ever having heard him play - I didn’t think Kamryn had a chance). He was wearing tails. He played beautifully. His dynamics stunned me. I thought he’d won it all. When they named him as the third place finisher I was certain Kamryn would receive a lovely “thanks for coming out” certificate. I was fine with that – I thought she’d done her best and I thought that is what she likely deserved. I was totally stunned when they called Kamryn's name as the second place finisher with a mark of 86. Then again, I knew every mistake she made because I had heard her piece played a gazillion and one times while remaining essentially clueless on her competitors’ pieces. Last night her piano teacher pulled me aside and suggested that we move on to grade 3 pieces because she really was done with grade 2 and to keep working on those pieces until an exam in August was pointless. So grade 3 here we come. At 8, I was still working on Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. Kamryn is wonderful; she rarely complains about practicing although she doesn't like to do it; she likes going to her lessons and she is super modest (that or clueless at how good she really is). When we went to the competition on Friday I was completely emotional (had to hold back tears before she played). The emotion hit me out of the blue and I really can't explain it (hadn’t felt that overwhelmed since her pre-school graduation) but I'm so immensely proud of her. Just had to brag a little. Thanks.

Ipad 2

The Ipad 2 goes on sale today.

I'm very excited.

I've wanted one for so long.

My friend is vacationing in Florida and promised to try and get me one. I'm trying to keep that hope in check as he is already committed to buying one for himself and one other person and I know in the past the limit was 2 per person. At worse I'll have to wait another two weeks but the US purchase would be cheaper and more immediate.

I'm vibrating. ;)

Different

So I’m relearning how to parent. An interesting dynamic has arisen in our home. For five years things have revolved around Sam. Really they have although I didn’t fully realize it until now. I can’t remember the circumstances exactly but last summer my mother took the kids overnight as she sometimes does. I had a huge swath of time off last summer and was pretty much home with the children full time and I enjoyed that. But then Mom took the kids for a night. She volunteered to keep them for longer and I declined. Midway through the day we were supposed to keep them up I realized how restful not dealing with Sam issues was and I called and asked if she could keep them one more day. Restful – it was restful.

It’s not that he is/was a bad kid of anything; it’s just that he was a lot of work. Even when he was being agreeable (and he can be so agreeable, always desperate to help and looking for approval in everything he does.) but things could go from peaceful to disastrous in mere seconds. The easiest way I can explain Sam is as a two year old with the size and abilities and intelligence of an almost 7 year old. You can’t watch a 6 year old they way you watch a two year old. It doesn’t help their development any and it certainly doesn’t contribute positively to anyone’s sanity. But you had to because the judgements he was making and the speed he was making them with – exactly like a toddler. That’s exhausting.

I couldn’t send him out to play for instance with the neighbourhood kids because even with me standing RIGHT THERE conflict would arise and Sam was always RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of it. Always. Easier not to let him play with the kids which doesn’t help his social development any. Regardless, the kids didn’t want to play with him (no wonder as he would commandeer their toys, cheat at any sport, and push and hit to get what he wanted). Combine him with the wrong kind of kid (his horribly over-indulged and whiney same-aged cousin for instance) and regardless of what happened he was painted in the role of the bad guy (something that pisses me off to no end). And so it went.

Now I have a different child. At times unrecognizable for how agreeable things can be. It’s not perfect but it’s pretty good. He listens and responds. He can sit quietly and accomplish a task. I actually gave him a book the other night and told him to go and read and he did so quietly and happily and then recounted me the story so I could assess his level of comprehension (which was excellent I was so impressed never having tried that before). He still talks constantly (constantly might be too weak a word here) and his impulsiveness is still out of whack but just having a calmer soul around takes much of the exhaustion out of parenting him. The things he can do now stun me.

But faced with this new child I make mistakes. He’s not perfect. The other day Daniel found Sam’s daily pill on the stairs. I don’t know when the pill was from (although I have my suspicions given a HORRENDOUS day he had at school a few days prior). I had been giving him his pill (literally putting it in his mouth) and assuming he was swallowing it (we don’t use water because he couldn’t figure out how to swallow the water and the pill at the same time – water would dribble out of his mouth, he would choke and after ten minutes there was still a dissolving pill on his tongue. It wouldn’t have been comical to observe if it wasn’t so serious). Obviously not. I know exactly how said pill was propelled from his mouth before swallowing – since he NEVER stops talking it makes sense that would occur. We talked about how important it was to take his medication and that if he couldn’t swallow a pill he was to tell me. Now I feed it to him every morning in a spoonful of yogurt and check to make sure he has swallowed it.

I’m finding new things to do with him. Puzzles. He loves puzzles but couldn’t do one without constant prodding to continue. He finished a 250 piece puzzle the other day on his own. This afternoon I need to go find some more for him to complete – March break next week. It’s a great activity for him to concentrate on. Books – I have a whole list of chapter books that I’ve reserved for him at the library. He can read them just fine (he’s been reading Kamryn’s old stash) on his own (before it was difficult even to read to him) and enjoy himself. There are all sorts of activities I wouldn’t have even considered involving him in the past that are just there for the taking now. I’m falling over myself searching them out.

Prior to this diagnosis, I also spent a great deal of energy pretending I was coping well and that things were normal. It’s been nice to abandon that pretext to be able to accept that things aren’t normal and that normal parenting solutions were not going to work. It’s been nice to let go of some of the worry. Some of the fear that things were never going to get any better. The terror that we were only caretaking this child until he got arrested and went to prison (no exaggeration this was almost a daily thought and there is good reason behind it that I can’t get into).

Kamryn is also a mild concern. She seems to have filled the behaviour void. r maybe her rambunctiousness is at the same level but is no longer countered by that of her brother’s. It’s not a problem per se but needs some attention. It could also be a reaction to the increase in positive attention her sibling is all of a sudden receiving. In many ways life still revolves around Sam, it’s just as difficult so she’s attention-seeking in a not so desirable manner. It’s hard to keep Sam calm when his sister is climbing the curtains. She’s old enough to set a better example and we’re working on maturity (and the privileges that come with it). I looked at her the other day and was struck by how grown-up she looked. Ugh.

Anyway, things are different in our household and everyone is adjusting.

Thief

Sam has been stealing food. Candy to be exact. It's happened a handful of times over the last year and a half or so. He's been punished each time - loss of privileges, restitution etc. In the past month it's happened THREE times. I'm worried. Especially given the medication he is on is supposed to be helping with impulse control. Instead it seems we're dealing with exactly the opposite (first time he wasn't on the medication yet). Sigh.

First incident: I bought some chocolate covered macadamia nuts while I was in Hawaii. They were on a shelf in my bedroom and I'd been taking a few here and there. Then I come into my room one night and the bag is one the floor, nearly empty. Honestly it seemed strange to me but I just thought I'd eaten more than I had thought. Daniel discovered it was Sam. He was punished although I can't even remember what - no desert for the week of something like that.

Second incident, was on 21 Feb; it was a holiday so we were home for the day. At around 10 am I called the kids up from the basement so that I could do homework with them. All of a sudden Sam decides he NEEDS to go to the bathroom right then. I knew something was up and when I asked him to turn around I could see he was desperately trying to swallow what was in his mouth. He had gone into our basement panty and ate three bags of Halloween sized Doritos. I took all the toys out of his room (I left his books). He wasn't allowed out in the morning on his own. He wasn't allowed in the basement alone. He was supposed to spend his afternoons in his room after school everyday (didn't really happen). He had to write lines about being too smart to be a thief (or something inspiring like that; writing lines is a really effective punishment with him since he hates it so). His punishment ended Sunday.

Saturday Kamryn attended a birthday party. I let her keep her loot bag in her room. Tonight she comes to us to tell us someone ate all her candy. Sigh. I could not have been angrier. I woke a sleeping Sam and yelled. There was a lot of yelling. Then I sent him to get a garbage bag and completely empty his room of toys (this time I even took his books. He has NOTHING. Then we/I broke open his piggy bank (it wasn't the type your break open but I couldn't get the stopper out and I was furious so I smashed it open with a hammer - it was a free piggy bank that his kind-hearted sister got him when she went to the bank to open her first bank account. They gave her one and she asked for one for her brother who treats her so badly. The yelling... the taking of toys... no effect at all on Sam but the smashing of the piggy bank; that woke him up completely. The only time he cried was when I made him take his money - all of it and give it to Kamryn as restitution for the candy he stole.)

He can't be hungry. He eats well and when he asks for a snack I rarely say no. Also he's only binging on candy. He's a kid who likes candy ... fine. He's a kid who gets candy... LOTS. I'm not big on restricting treats. He's spoilt if anything else. I'm so disappointed in him. I'm devestated to know I can't trust my own son. He knows it's wrong. He's not stupid. I'm worried. If he's stealing now; this frequently, boldly, and with no consideration of the consequences what is going to happen to him as he gets older? Is he doing this at school too? Seems unbelievable that he would only do it at home. All the hope of the last few weeks is gone. His comportment is better but he's stealing from us?

Anyway, if he's hungry we'll deal with that. I've already increased his school lunches because his teacher told us last week that he complains he's hungry in the afternoons (its more he's not eating what's in his lunch than he didn't have any options but I'm trying here. He regularly comes home with leftovers.) I've left instruction with Daniel that when he gets home from school before he does anything he's to eat one egg (to boast his protein levels). Dinner has always been eat until you're full and I don't intend to change that.

Since he can't be trusted; he can't be alone (i.e. without adult supervision). No more going downstairs and helping himself to what he wants for breakfast (choice of cereal + Yogurt). This morning he sat at the top of the stairs while I got ready for work and then we went down together and I served him cereal (my choice not his) and selected a yogurt for him. He ate while I watched and then he got into his winter stuff and sat on the stairs while I snowblowed the driveway (his sister was inside playing lego). Kamryn walked to the bus stop and he stayed with me. Then I drove him to the stop (I needed the car with me so I could leave immediately for work) and he sat in the car with me until the bus arrived and I let him leave and get on the bus.

The reason we cleared his room of toys is that it's the only place he will be allowed to be alone and with nothing in his room but clothes I know what he's doing when he's in there.

Going to be a lot of together time.

I just don't know...

Organized morning

This morning I rose "bright and early" and slid out of bed well after the alarm clock had gone off to discover the Sam who is always up with the birds was still asleep. Doesn’t take much to get him going though. Kamryn was already downstairs eating breakfast. When I got to the kitchen to pull food together for lunch I saw that the cold meat had expired two weeks ago. Now you should know several things: we aren’t allowed peanut products at the school so no peanut butter sandwiches; we do make sunflower seed sandwiches but Sam hates them; neither child will eat eggs; they had soup for dinner last night. I did think of my normal stand-by: zoodles with cut-up hotdogs in a thermos. No Zoodles or hot dogs in the house. Yikes. So I “made” them beef tortellini w/ tomato and pesto sauce. Okay the pasta was fresh pasta left over from dinner two nights ago and frozen and the sauce was out of a jar still lunch took almost all my time to prepare given we were already running late.

Time for the kids to leave for the bus stop and I’m still in my Pjs. I sent them off on their own (just to the end of our street but I generally try to accompany them.) I had exactly ten minutes to throw some clothes on, pull things together and get to work myself. I’m brushing my teeth going over checklists in my head when I remember Sam’s medication – ugh! Check the time. It’s 8:23 (bus comes at 8:25). Run through options in my head: drop pills off at school; let him skip his morning dose; run down the street like a madwoman calling his name… Ummmm…. Pass. So I run downstairs; grab the pills; throw on my Parka and my boots over bare feet and PJs and jump in the car to drive the 7 houses down the street and give him his pill. Grandmother of neighbour kid standing at the bus stop looks at me like I’m nuts. Nevertheless - crisis averted.

I was so late for work though.

Judgement

Sam has been on methylphenidate for two weeks now. The change in him is complete. He is a different boy. One I don’t quite recognize but in an entirely good way. He is so very proud of himself and for once its true confidence and not bravado (bravado is so terribly annoying – a desperate need to be told constantly how wonderful you are weighs on those around you). This new confidence he has in himself can’t help but make you smile. His teacher is smiling. He has not gotten in trouble at school once since starting the medication. He’s never had two weeks (heck he’s never had a week like this) in his entire school career. It’s not just the meds; there is an entire platoon of people working to help him out. He has a behavioural modification program in place at school (as part of an IEP). He has a 5th grade student shadow him during one of the recesses (to model appropriate play) – I want to hug this child for being so generous with her time (what 11 year old girl wants a 6 year old boy trailing after them?) He meets with a therapist once a week.

The change in him is so remarkable that I want to get a hold of his (missing!) birthfamily and share what we’ve learned to maybe help out his half sister (she’s only 3 but I’d heard they were having difficulties with her similar to what we’ve dealt with in Sam). I know they can’t afford the testing we put Sam through (the testing is available publically but the waiting lists are extremely – like two years – long); I worry about the future for this little girl.

I also wonder about other disadvantaged children. I think/hope that we’ve saved Sam further “damage” (to his abilities; reputation; self-esteem; potential) by giving him the care he’s getting now. I wonder what type of kid he would have been had we waited until he was 8 (the age he would have been had we pursued testing through the school system). I wonder what we all would have endured. I see how important treatment is.

I watched Sam’s medication wear off today (he gets a dose at 8 in the morning and another at noon; we’ve known for days now that after about 3 hours the medication is no longer effective so we’re switching to a longer acting formula next week). I picked him up at school to take him to the doctor at around 10 am. Between the time I picked him up and the time we saw the doctor 1 hour passed. It was like watching a stop motion film. He wasn’t doing anything bad but he went from a normal boy to this hyper kinetic individual. There was nothing subtle or normal about his affect. It was precisely like he’d been given some sort of drug to bring about the change although I knew it was the other way round. It was eye-opening. There were two older women in the waiting room when we were leaving (Sam was literally bouncing off the walls), they were very polite when they commented about his level of energy (think of a wind-up toy gone mad; manic conversation that hoped without pause from one unrelated topic to the next).

I’m very aware that a great many people don’t believe in ADHD. Don’t believe in medicating children. I agree that children are misdiagnosed. I’m certain that children are over-medicated. I wonder at the ease some doctors hand out prescriptions for these very powerful drugs. For Sam we went through 6 hours of psychological testing (over 3 days) I provided daily reports from his teachers going back three years. I turned over all his report cards. There weren’t many stones left undisturbed. We’ve got a good picture of this little boy. By contrast, there is a mother on a BB I frequent. She has posted numerous times about difficulties with her son. She has also posted numerous times about difficulties getting anyone in the medical profession to take her claims seriously. At around the same time we started Sam on medication this woman posted that she had finally found a doctor to “take her seriously.” That this doctor listened to her description of what she was dealing with, agreed her son had ADHD and prescribed a medication. I was a little stunned – we had 4 separate appointments with a psychologist lasting over 2 hours each (Sam was put through a battery of cognitive testing), his teacher and filled out behavioural analysis tests; we had a separate appointment with our family physician. This woman talked a doctor into prescribing medication. Nevertheless, she was as relieved as I was to be helping her son. Ummmm…. The medication was a disaster – her next post. He was hyper and agitated and mean. Ummm… those are the side-effects to taking a stimulant drug when you don’t have ADHD. I truly suspect her son doesn’t have ADHD. She is straining to see improvement in his behaviour (if she only knew how remarkable it can be). She thinks maybe its just the wrong drug for him (and maybe it is!). I can’t say anything. I don’t want to judge but I’m judging; I can’t help it.

I know that people will meet a medicated Sam and question our motives in medicating him. People who don’t understand that ADHD meds don’t work in children without ADHD. People who don’t see how much better his life is. People who’ve met an unmedicated Sam and after spending a very brief amount of time with him pronounce him spirited and normal. They will judge. Let them.

Valentines Stream of Conciousness

Today Daniel left before I was awake.

He’s very good at being really quiet in the morning so I can gain a few more hours sleep. I’m not as generous when our roles are reversed (although I’m generally only up a half hour before he needs to get up rather than 2 ½). Normally even with his efforts I’m up for the day when he is. This morning though I dozed gloriously. I remember the kiss goodbye when he left. Not much beyond that.

I thought of walking over to his building to join him for lunch – he only gets 45 minutes; not worth it (for him not me). Sam has piano lessons at 5:15. I’ll leave work to be home for 5:00 so that Daniel doesn’t have to take Kamryn with him too. Kamryn has soccer at 7:00, so I’ll shovel dinner (leftovers) into her and get her ready so that she can basically get in the car when Sam gets out. Daniel will take her to soccer while I feed Sam (leftovers). I’ll really see Daniel for the first time when he gets back from soccer with Kamryn after 8.

I haven’t planned dinner. No energy and while not really a reflection of the state of my marriage no real impetus. However, if we had a babysitter I would have like to go out to eat; I just don’t feel like cooking and elaborate meal. By 8:30 I’ll be bagged regardless.

I instructed Daniel last week NOT to buy me flowers. They DIE. They cost a lot and then they just die… alone… in the house while I’m at work. What’s the point? He looked a little shocked. I’ve tried to be blunt in the past about the flowers thing and he never gets it so I told him pretty much what I wrote here. Plus (what I didn’t tell him but really believe) I think flowers are a cop out. Get flowers and all is right in the world? What woman wouldn’t want flowers, eh? No need to think harder than what colour would she like. Forget that and just give me the money. How’s that for cynical.

I generally don’t get Daniel anything for Valentines day. This year for some reason I was compelled to purchase him a tie. He rarely wears ties but I’ve noticed his collection has grown a little stale. Nice silk Kenneth Cole tie. After the flower decree, I’m not expecting anything. Maybe a card. Shrug.

Happy Valentines Day.

What a weekend

On Thursday Sam started on Ritalin. He had his first full dose yesterday (Saturday).

OMG, we've had such a good weekend as a family. Hasn't been a weekend with someone constantly harping on Sam. He's played lovingly with his sister. He's listened. He's participated effectively in team sports. We were able to go to the grocery store without it being a disaster. We were able to eat out and enjoy ourselves. When he has had to be disciplined he's looked me in the eye when I spoke to him (something he's not able to do when not medicated). He's not even on a full dose. I don't know how much this is the drug and how much it's me wanting things to be better but it can't all be in my head. I'm really eager for him to go to school on Monday and see how things go there because this is really fantastic.

I WANT to do things with him and really before what would happen is I'd plan all these wonderful things and he's ruin the fun within ten minutes by doing something annoying. Now when he gets excited, its at a normal little boy excited level. It's fun and enjoyable and... normal.

Not what I expected at all (I really was ready for the change to much more subtle).

Abandonment

I’m a little P’Oed at Sam’s birthfamily. They have for all intents and purposes dropped out of this life. With his birthmother this isn’t completely unexpected but his grandmother is acting decidedly weird. Okay this is the type of individual who would send Halloween cards with long letters written to her pre-verbal grandchild. She’s never been particularly reliable i.e. she never visits without “planning to visit” a minimum for 3 times (and ALWAYS cancels last minute). But she has been pretty good about sending him little things. Calling. Keeping in touch. He knows her and he loves her and luckily he’s too little to realize she’s dropped him. All of a sudden this Christmas she just didn’t send him a Christmas present. She called mid-way through January to say she had a new job and was moving and didn’t have an address or a phone number but would contact us when she got settled. Okay … silence. She had promised him a hockey bag (an expensive one that we didn’t buy for him (as we did for Kamryn) because she said she wanted to get it for him for Christmas). So not only didn’t he get a Christmas present but he’s now also the poor neglected child whose sister gets cool things that he doesn’t. Oh and his beloved grandmother has disappeared and not left a forwarding address.

The danger of him getting attached and then the person he loves doing this to him is precisely the reason we were planning to say no when his birthmother asked if she could call and talk to him weekly. She spoke to him on the phone once last year and asked after that if she could call weekly (her request was a text message that we didn’t immediately respond to because we were discussing our response. We would have wanted to discuss this issue with her rather than text about it given she’d only ever spoken with him once but we never heard from her again on the subject. She never phoned again either – not once). Things have been uneven for years but have gone seriously downhill since his birthday last May. She just didn’t send anything. No card, no letter, nada. Later I found out she’d been arrested so that kind of explained it but she wasn’t in jail she was out on bail (she still is) so go figure. No explanation. No contact. At Christmas she made contact (via text message) to ask where to send his present because she’d lost the address again. We tried to find out where she was so that we could send her something. She never answered that inquiry. When we called her cell phone we ended up speaking to someone who knew her but explained that it wasn’t her cellphone anymore. Okay… That was the last we heard of her. I’ve given up. She never sent him anything but really he doesn’t know her at all and she means little to him – she’s just an abstract concept to his 6 year old mind.

I made a calendar for her (and for his grandmother). Cost $50 and a ton of time and effort. They are sitting gathering dust. I don’t have addresses to send anything. I do the Calendars each year for both kids’ birthfamilies. I won’t do another one for Sam ever again (his were really good this year too). Waste of money and effort. I’m just tired of all the work that goes into just tracking down his birthfamily. I’ve done it for Sam. So that when he’s older he can have a relationship with his family but they don’t care. It makes it really apparent what we got him away from. It makes me sad. I quit.

I had a better day.

Despite outward appearances I'm not having any fun.

So I'm in Hawaii on business which is great. I got here on Friday so that I could have some time to adjust to the time difference as well as enjoy Hawaii a little. It really is awesome. I've taken some killer hikes and had some fun but day four and I'm DREADFULLY lonely. Hawaii isn't the place to be all by yourself.

Today was the first day of the seminar I'm attending. I'd looked forward to today all weekend because I thought I would meet some other course participants (they call us "fellows") and at least have somebody to have dinner with in the evening. However, it seems like a good whack of people on the course are from here and aren't anxious to hang out afterwards. The ones that aren't from here all pretty much came with someone or know other people and haven't really reached out beyond "oh, you're Canadian; bet it's cold there." I spent part of the day making small talk with people (I hate small talk) and a good portion wandering around on my own trying to look like I liked being on my own or hanging out on the margins of other people's conversations with no clue whatsoever about what they were talking about. I'm just not the "hi, how are you, would you like to hang out type."

Because of the time difference calling home isn't easy at all. I'd hoped to be able to use the College's WiFi to Skype with the kids at some point during the day and found out today that that is not possible (I miss them so much that this is a hard blow; it means I won't be able to talk to them until Saturday). Tonight I got back to my condo too late and missed my opportunity to Skype with Daniel. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but I was really looking forward to it. I'm on the verge of tears but trying to hold them back just in case he logs on (which is REALLY a remote possibility at this point).

So ya it is possible to be miserable in paradise. Oh and I think I'm coming down with a cold.

Relatively Balmy

Everything is relative. I got up this morning and I couldn’t get out of bed. Well I was physically able I just didn’t want to. The weather channel said it was – 25 C out and after been spoiled with weeks of unseasonable warm winter weather I wasn’t ready to face – 25. Ugh! But the world must go on.

So I planned well.

My favourite black wool slacks.

A black turtle neck;

A stylish light cardigan (for fashion not warmth);

And socks, comfy black socks (certainly not a day for nylons!).

When it came time to actually go outside, then I turned on the big guns.

My well-worn but comfy black Helly Hansen fleece;



my Columbia hikers (with thinsulate!);



my knee length 600-down fill Land’s End Parka;



My super warm and long Gap scarf;

< sorry no picture; couldn't find one online, just picture long and grey and constantly shedding lint onto everything I wear but oh so loved >

And my super thick leather down-filled Kombi Ski mitts.



I didn’t wear a hat to avoid hat hair but I put up the hood on my parka and cemented everything into place with my scarf. To get to work I park my car at a Park-and-Ride and then have to hoof it over a fairly long highway overpass to grab a bus on the opposite side. It’s a cold walk on a regular - 10 morning. Last night, after watching the weather forecast, I lay in bed trying to figure out a way around having to take that route. This morning, I looked like an Inuit warrior but I was so toasty warm. The cold never touched me. I’ve been colder (honestly) when it’s been +10C out.

Everything is relative. Given the choice between being too warm or too cold I’ll always take too cold. You can ALWAYS put on another layer but you can only take so much off.

The whole city is one massive fog bank. There is ice fog everywhere. It’s très cool.

Sam

I guess I need a Sam entry. Yes, I have been avoiding it, not wanting to say to much on an essentially public forum because as we’ve discussed in the past there really is no anonymity here.

I will share that yes we got a diagnosis of ADHD (with an emphasis on impulsiveness) from the psychologist. That’s not really a mystery – spend an hour with Sam and it's pretty obvious. There were some surprises within the diagnosis as well though – some promising and some a little disheartening. Let’s just say that Sam has some innate strengths and abilities that should help him manage the deficits he has. He’s quite a complex little guy.

His psychologist is excellent. I really liked her and wish that we could continue to see her. However, she doesn’t do counselling only evaluations and doesn’t feel that, for ADHD, counselling does any good anyways. Still there are questions I still have and as we try different strategies at home and at school it would be most helpful to be able to bounce ideas off someone. One the other hand I have no idea how we’d pay for it all. We maxed out our insurance just getting the evaluations done (there is some spare capacity remaining but not much so I better not crack up this year!). For instance – something small here - Sam has a real facility for puzzles and he really enjoys doing them. I think it might have to do with immediate gratification which he really needs but I don’t know. I’d like to discuss this with the psychologist and get some confirmation (not that its really needed as its pretty obvious) that this is an activity we should focus on.

The psychologist recommended a cushion called a “sit-fit” for Sam to sit on at school as a way to make it easier for him to stay in his chair (something that is a BIG challenge for him). So he went to school with it yesterday with strict instructions that it wasn’t a toy and that if he continued to disrupt the class his teacher would take it. Don’t know how that worked out but no notes from the teacher and hopefully after the newness wears off he won’t focus on it so much (he was a little off the wall excited about it which was worrisome).

We haven’t received a full written report yet from the psychologist. She promised it for the end of this month. We have an appointment with our primary care physician to discuss medication in February – it has been recommended and if our doctor agrees, we will go forward with medication. The pressure is off a little though not because of the overall diagnosis but the little things I learned about Sam. Things indirectly related to the ADHD that I thought he did consciously and now I see and understand that he has absolutely no control over. Things that the psychologist has given us some tools to deal with and others that just understanding that the deficit is there have helped me find creative ways to deal with them.

I think Daniel is still in a dream world though. I just don’t think he gets it (and the two of them are going to drive me round the bend if he doesn’t he doesn’t get it soon). He just rides Sam for every little thing he does wrong – and boy that kid can pile up offenses quickly. Rather than stressing the positive he ALWAYS begins with the negative, which isn’t helping a little boy who comes across as a braggart and a bully but in reality has very little self-esteem. I’m not a saint either and parenting a child like Sam isn’t easy but its obvious that Daniel’s methods aren’t working particularly well so I don’t understand why he persists. I’m trying to get him to read some of the books the psychologist recommended but I feel a little like Sisyphus here. He’s just not a reader (in our entire relationship I’ve never known him to read a book cover to cover – even ones he’s sought out himself; he just never finishes reading them). Small victory in getting him to read a book that we got for Sam (he had to read it to him) called “Mon Cerveau Besoin des Lunettes” (My Brain Needs Glasses) – great book for kids with ADHD by the way. It’s hard to find in English (it was originally written in French – woohoo! a resource in the required language for once) but definitely worth the effort.

As an aside, one of the things we did learn in all the testing is that Sam is definitely a francophone. His receptive language skills in French were ranked at the 8.3 year old level while his English was at the 6.0 year old level (he’s 6 ½) also he doesn’t learn abstract concepts like language easily so working in English (his second language) is not advised. Unfortunately, it's REALLY hard to find resources to help kids with ADHD and some of the other problems Sam has in French. All the support groups, peer sessions etc. are all in English (even the testing materials are hard to come by). Surprising in a city a profoundly bilingual as ours but definitely the reality. It's a little frustrating.

Anyway, we’re fine. Sam is fine and will be all right. It’s going to be a challenging decade (and beyond!) though. And yes, having a diagnosis makes things a lot easier (I no longer feel like a nut case, still a bad parent sometimes but not a nutcase one. ;))