On the Kids' Birthfamilies

Okay this is going to be disjointed. Sorry, I’m throwing up on paper. Lol

I’ve been reading kind of off and on of late, the Naked Ovary. I’m insanely jealous of the fact that hundreds/thousands(?) of people read her blog and about 20 read mine lol. She is much more interesting and funny than I am. I don’t spend a lot of time reading it though because she generally is writing about where I’ve already been and while interesting isn’t adding much to my life except voyeuristic glee (lots of that lately since she has just been matched :)) Anyway, recently – big controversy – on her opinions or, for some, apparent lack there of on her daughter’s birthmother. Started me thinking a little of Kamryn and Sam’s birthfamilies.

I think about their birthparents a lot. Probably daily. It’s part of raising the adoptive kid. There are adoptive parents out there who I know like to pretend the birthparents don’t exist. Sadly many more than you’d expect. I can’t. Kamryn will proudly tell you that she has gorgeous curly hair – just like her birthmom Sarah. Sam has a collage on his wall of his birth family that we go through each night in the hopes that he will not forget the family he spent the first year of his life with but now never sees. Anyway we think about them and talk about them a lot. It’s not always easy.

About a year ago I wrote about ending the monthly updates with Kamryn’s birthparents. A distance has developed there. I don’t know if it’s because I chose not to write as often and they were waiting for permission to step back a bit or if it is just circumstances. Kamryn’s birthdad moved to Kenya in January and technology makes it harder for him to stay in contact. When I do send out e-mails I may or may not get a response from Kamryn’s birthmother. If I do get a response it could be WEEKS later. From her birthdad we hear very little. Never an e-mail (he does have e-mail access I think). He’s called three times – Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and Kamryn’s birthday. Dunno. Contact is good just not often.

Sam’s birthfamily is sporadic as well. Nana, claims she doesn’t get my e-mails. Well I can’t fix whatever filter she has accidentally put on her e-mail account from here. She calls but not very often – once every two months or so, maybe. She was supposed to visit in May (for his birthday) but had to cancel (pretty typical of her) and has finally rescheduled for the end of August but I’m not holding my breath. She last visited (her only time) in November 2005. She is afraid he will have forgotten her – so now I’m anxious that he has. We show him her picture nightly (as I mentioned above) but there isn’t much more than we can do. Also – he used to call Kamryn, Nana (I understand this only makes sense to those of you who know Kamryn’s real name). That’s how he said her name. After months of repeating “not Nana, say Kamryn” he finally got it. About two weeks ago. So I told him to say goodbye to Nana on the phone last week and he says, you guessed it, good-bye Kamryn. So now part of our nighttime routine is reinforcing the word “Nana.” He now thinks it's a big joke and this kid LOVES to clown. God only knows what he will say when he actually sees her. She won't think it's funny if he doesn't call her Nana.

Anyway, contact with Sam’s birthmother has been weird but that’s not unusual either. As our relationship “develops” her developmental delays are more and more apparent. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m not dealing with an adult but, mentally in a lot of ways, a pre-teenager. When she sends an e-mail I need to respond immediately or she panics that we are somehow hiding from her. No matter that she doesn’t respond to an e-mail from us for months if at all. She needs that reassurance that we haven’t disappeared with her boy. I understand that little but she panics after hours not days. She might send us 12 e-mails in a week. She may not send us any e-mails for months and months. We worry when she disappears because we seriously worry about losing her someday (as does her own family). Anyway… nothing we can do there. She’s had serious difficulties of late that I can’t get into but at least would make her easier to find. Sigh.

Okay all that ramble brings me to who I’m really thinking about and the serious repercussions -- Sam’s birthfather. Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t; no one knows but we spent a lot of money terminating his parental rights because he wasn’t cooperating. He was happy to interfere just enough to slow the adoption down but not enough to actually get involved (i.e. show up at court or even answer the phone). He never stated anything about wanting Sam by the way. There never really was a chance of him getting him. If Sam hadn't been adopted by us or another family he would have become a permanent ward of the state. Before the adoption was finalized the adoption agency counseled that we have no contact with him whatsoever. He’s kind of a scary guy so I’m not sure I want any contact with him. I would like to know for sure whether he is Sam’s birthfather though for several reasons most predominant of which is that Sam’s going to want to know and I want to be able to tell him.

I have this man's last known address, his grandmother’s house, so conceivably if I sent something there it would eventually make it’s way to her. I don’t want him to have our address though (although if he is Sam's birthfather I wouldn't be adverse to letting him know about this great little boy). I need to look into maybe renting a PO Box. I don’t know if he’d write back. I don’t know how long I’d have to keep the PO Box. Perhaps I should write him through the adoption agency. I don’t know if they’d help or if have to pay for that kind of help. Lots of I don’t knows. It makes it easier to procrastinate. The longer I procrastinate though the greater the likelihood that I will lose this man who right now is just a name and the nasty things we’ve been told.

I am so dreading the questions that will come from Sam on his birthfamily. They are going to be VERY tough to answer. In this case I wish I knew less because “I don’t know” would be the easy answer. But I do know, and because of that I need to know more. It's all very depressing.