Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween all.

This is Kamryn's birthmother's favorite holiday. Tracy posted and asked if I had photos to share with the kids' birthparents. Already sent them some and will send some tomorrow after tonight's "festivities." They are both sooooo excited. Kamryn for trick or treating. Sam because he has a stuffed banana. lol This had to be shared with their birthparents. How could I not?

I have had a few comments in the past few days on our relationship with the kids' birthparents (most I guess because I'm dwelling on it at present; I won't always; I promise). What I keep in mind mostly when dealing with the children's birth families is that one day in the not so distant future I'm going to be called on to explain how I treated them and why by the two people who matter most in this Kamryn and Sam. I don't want to have to defend myself, I want them to know I did everything I possibly could. It is, as I see it, one of the best ways to show them how much I love them.

Okay, back to Halloween. :) Pictures from this morning: I'm alone today (Daniel left for work early and the Lord knows when he will be home) and have to take advantage of any chance I get. These are pre and post pre-school.

Showing her Monkey Face

Showing her other "Monkey" face.


Kamryn and her best bud Madison (names changed to protect the innocent :)) at preschool (these two are inseperable and more trouble then their adorable demeanors suggest). I was openly jealous of Madison's costume. lol

Monkeying about.


And again.

Horton Hatches an Egg

So I just read this story to Kamryn somewhat against my better judgment (an irresponsible parenting moment perhaps as normally I would screen something questionable first but I thought “really, it’s Dr. Suess”). I like Dr. Suess. I got a treasury from the library and this story was in it. I had a general gist of what it was about and my reluctance to read it was based on an attack it took on www.INCIID.org as "anti-birthparent." I took the approach that sometimes a story is just a story and needs to be taken at face value.

For those who haven't read it this is the gist:

An elephant agrees to egg-sit for an irresponsible bird. The bird then disappears for months, but Horton, whose motto is "I meant what I said and I said what I meant; an elephant's faithful, 100 percent", never abandons his post, despite the amazing (and amusing) difficulties this entails. In the end, as the egg hatches the bird returns (actually accidently stumbles upon poor Horton and the egg) and demands her egg back. While they argue about it the egg hatches and it is an "elephant-bird" that looks just like Horton so Horton gets to keep it.

This book was written in 1940 - I find it hard to believe it was ever intended to be anti-birthparent. I can see how one could see it that way as an adult BUT I can't see a child getting that connotation or maybe I just need to take off my rose-coloured glasses. Regardless, Kamryn knows her birthparents aren’t lazy and never abandoned her. We tell her regularly how much they love her even though she doesn’t quite get it yet.

Still, would I read her racists material even though we teach her that all people are equal? Certainly not. So I’m a little torn and feel a little guilty. Awful thing is she listened with rapt attention and was thrilled at the end when the little elephant-bird is born. I really don’t know what the right thing to do here is. Not really sure I can read it again. I guess there are so many Dr. Suesses, I shouldn’t mourn the loss of one questionable one.

I once stopped watching a sitcom because of their portrayal of infertility, I was too disgusted to watch what had been a favorite show because of the light they made of and experience that ripped my heart apart daily. I know that the majority of birthparents are far from the “lazy Maisye bird” in the story. I can’t turn a blind eye because the rest of the story is kinda cute. Okay this is why I like writing, it really helps move the thought process along. I didn’t think I would end up here but… here I am. Bye Horton (at least in this particular story as that elephant gets around). Sorry for the obvious stream of consciousness format of this post.

Visit With Sam's Birth-Grandmother

So Sam’s grandmother FINALLY made it here.

She called Tuesday afternoon and left a message on our answering machine to let us know she would arrive Wednesday evening. The visit went well. Although it started with some frustration and some challenges. We have a Mazda Tribute which is a baby SUV (it’s a “pretty” Ford Escape really), with the car seats in it only holds us so we rented a mini-van for her visit and told her we would pick her up at the bus station at 5:15. Daniel brought the mini-van, a Chevy Uplander, home at 4:30 and preceded to put the car seats in. At 5:00 totally frustrated he was still working on it. Stupid, stupid, mini-van – we will NEVER buy an Uplander (not that it was high on our list anyways). So we were late to the bus station; I was so worried that “Nana” would think we had abandoned her. In the end we weren’t all that late (ended up being less then 5 minutes) and she was very understanding. We picked her up and went to dinner.

Sam was really happy to see her – by the end of her less than 24 hr. stay he was even saying her name – impressive considering he has a spoken vocabulary of less then 10 words although we do show him her picture almost daily and talk about her. On Thursday we picked her up at the hotel and went to Sears for pictures. Pictures went well although I’m really tired of teenagers, who know nothing about tiny kids, being responsible for picture taking – we are done with Sears photo forever (a number of other problems I won’t go into now have led to this decision)! We had lunch and then took the kids to an indoor park and for a little shopping. Sam wasn’t on his best behavior but he wasn’t on his worst either which was good. She got a somewhat accurate picture of his life and how he was doing (i.e. really well). He had a couple of meltdowns especially on Thursday where we kept him up about 2 hours past his usual nap time (hey it’s not every day he’s got to spend with her) but that’s par for the course with him.

Daniel and I did all right I think. I think I had more of a challenge to deal with than Daniel although it all could have been in my head. It seemed to me that Sam deferred a little to Nana when he needed something rather than me (and I pouted a little internally about that) but as I said it could just have been me being over sensitive. Kamryn was a handful. Nana tried to chat with Kamryn but her attention was obviously on Sam and poor little Kamryn was just screaming “NOTICE ME!” for most of the visit. This is a big problem we’ve been dealing with this month so this visit was really ill-timed in relation to that but it couldn’t really be helped. Kamryn gets PLENTY of attention but like most older siblings I’m guessing she doesn’t see it that way.

Sam parted from Nana very well, again considering he had to have been exhausted, and he ate a good dinner and slept well last night. The way we planned things inadvertently kept us on the road and away from home. Nana was never at our house which in hindsight was a good thing. He didn’t wake up this morning and look for her for instance as Kamryn did at his age when her cousins (adopted not birth) came to visit (nothing sadder than watching a toddler search a house for people who are no longer there). He was a bit of a challenge today but I think that’s mostly related to being overtired from all the activity yesterday AND his teeth, which I thought were all in (guess I thought wrong), seem to be bothering him.

So that was our first meeting. I’m hoping that now that Nana has visited and seen that he is all right there will be less urgency for another visit anytime soon. I want him to continue his relationship with his birth family but on the other hand it’s so very stressful for all concerned (both us and Nana). Once a year, I can handle no problem but I don’t think I want to encourage much more than that right now. Nevertheless, I suspect it will be more often than once a year and I would never refuse a request to visit. Nana is obviously lonely (she talked A LOT about trying to meet a man; talk about an awkward conversation) and I feel for her but (and I have to keep reminding myself of this) Sam is our concern and Nana is an adult that we aren’t responsible for, hard as that is. She’s a nice person and obviously important to Sam. We want to help her but we didn’t adopt her.

The good news that came out of the visit is Sam’s birthmother seems to be doing soooooo much better (she was kind of “lost” there for awhile, most literally). She has gone “home” and good things seem to be happening for her (she has some problems that I can’t/won’t get into here but if you’re the type, keep her in your prayers; she needs them.).

Ramadan and US

So we're having a lazy Sunday morning at home. We went to mass last night and it's rainy, wet and cold out. We're all in our PJs, Daniel on one couch with a blanket, me on another with a comforter. I'm, obviously, writing. Radio is on and the kids are playing and making it impossible for me to listen to my favorite CBC radio programme.

Kamryn's birthfather is a Muslim; he's Kenyan. When we first met him (maybe he didn't want to scare us ) he really downplayed his level of devotion. Told us he didn't really practice etc. etc. Well the first time he visited we found out that he didn't eat Pork, drink alcohol etc. Okay. Ramadan is on now and it's apparent from his e-mails that he is fasting etc. So I guess it is MUCH more important to him than he indicated initially (fasting for Ramadan is not taken lightly and is quite a commitment - 27 days of no food from sun-up until sundown) so I've decided it needs to become more important to us. We obviously aren't going to convert to Islam but we would like to teach Kamryn a little about it. Ramadan is the most scared time of year to those who adhere to the Muslim faith. That's ALL I know . So I'm trying to learn a little.

The more I learn and I still know almost nothing the more complicated things seem to be getting. This isn't a straight forward religion at all. Anyway we certainly aren't going to fast from sun-up until sundown for a month but there seems to be an "out." Muslims who don't keep the fast can atone for their sins by making a charitable donation at the end of Ramadan; this is something that I think we as non-Muslims could incorporate into our lives (and reconcile with our lives as Catholics) I also think that we could participate, somewhat, in "Id-al-Fitr" which is the three-day celebration at the end of Ramadan but sharing in some of the foods prepared for this feast. This is also horribly intimidating as it involves a whole bunch of foods and dishes that are not what I'd call common in "cosmopolitan " Ottawa. I think though that I can probably find a restaurant somewhere to help me out here (I was going to actually cook but was quickly overwhelmed bu foods I've never experienced). I will start asking around this week. See what I can discover. If we lived in Montreal this would be sooooo very much easier. We have a Muslim community here but it's pretty small.

Next time Kamryn's birthfather visits I will have to see if maybe he would teach me a little (he is a professional chef).

Birthparent Contact

We have a pretty open adoption with Kamryn's birthparents. Since birth I've sent monthly e-mail updates to both of them. Once a year I send all the pictures we have of Kamryn to them on CD. They are computer savvy and very comfortable with this form of communication. Her birthfather calls about every 6 weeks (no schedule though). He visits about once a year.

I'm comfortable with this and have always maintained that a short time out of my life brightens their's immeasurably so it's a duty that I have done cheerfully. Nevertheless, the monthly updates were really becoming a chore (easy when she was an infant and really changed a lot in a month harder now when she doesn't invent the wheel daily). Time, now that I'm not a work and have 2 children to care for, was also becoming an issue. I had a complaint in my old journal about not updating often enough that got my blood boiling especially considering the people I needed to be updating weren't getting their updates (often my journal posting was taken from modified e-mails to Kamryn's birthparents). I thought about giving them this blog address but that would mean editing my entries and my idea was to let it all hang out here. My e-mails to them are "special" there are some things I share that I would NEVER share here and vice a versa.

I've always had in the back of my mind the "disappearing adoptive parents" I have read about in horror on adoptions.com message boards (I think that is the URL haven't been there in over a year). The advice I got when we were in the initial stages of Kamryn's adoption "always promise less than you're willing to do so you don't have to disappoint" echoed like a nagging housewife in my subconcious. I always meant the once a month thing to end after a year and move to a looser schedule but we never had a real "contact" agreement and I didn't have the cahones to stop something I knew they appreciated. So I missed a monthly update a few months back and then her July update I told them wouldn't happen as we were going to be on the road and then September hadn't been written and we were most of the way through October. Before this year I had missed maybe one. So last night I told her birthparents that I couldn't do regular updates anymore for various reasons and that would try to send them wh en the spirit moved me updates (going try for quarterly but I'm thinking that without a specific deadline that I feel beholden to that they may be more often). They seemed to have taken it well - they were both very gracious about loosening up our scheduled contact and very thankful for the last 3 1/2 years.

Sam's birthfamily is a different animal. I told them I would do monthly e-mail as well but his birthmother keeps disappearing (haven't had any real contact with her at all) and his birth grandmother calls us about every 2 weeks so e-mails there haven't been scheduled at all. It has just evolved differently as I guess these things do. Because he is a little boy the family got to know there is a whole bunch of people with a vested interest in what he is up to. With the exception of his birthgrandmother, Nana, I think they all pretty much hate us as well. Also, they aren't really "computer people." Samantha, Sam's birthmom talked about web cams etc. etc. when we met her but she's a big dreamer and doesn't really think things through. Things might change with her when reality descends and she matures a little but for now there isn't really any incentive to try as the e-mails are pretty much going into a black hole.

Miss Kamryn

I wrote a long pleading e-mail to Kamryn’s birthparents today. I hope I didn’t disappoint them too much. Since we took Kamryn home I’ve been writing them once a month giving them a progress report on her. This has understandably got harder and harder as she has now reached a stage where not a lot changes in her life from one month to the next. I can find things to say but all the e-mails were beginning to sound alike to me. It was also becoming quite a chore. I know most people with open adoptions normally end the monthly updates after a year. I wanted to end it at a year but didn’t know how to tell them. With Sam in the picture though it was just becoming to hard. I asked them if they would accept (as if they really have a choice; I just don’t want to become one of those adoptive families I hear about that cut off the birthparents) a looser “publication schedule.” They are pretty reasonable people and I hope they understand.

Yesterday we took Kamryn to see the new Wallace and Grommit movie. I would love to write about how much she loved it but I don’t think she did. Her attention span just isn't there yet. She sure was squirmy. She loved the experience for sure – she loved the eating part. We let her have popcorn for the first time and we split a box of Glosset raisins and she had this sickening sweet kool-aid slushy that we made the concession clerk cut with water because it was so sweet it made my eyes water. Lol When we got home she was sooooo hyper. She wouldn’t stop talking a mile a minute. At one point just to get some peace and quiet I sent her to hide in a mock game of hide and seek (I did seek but I took my time between her hiding and my seeking). She obviously doesn’t quite get the concept. Her first hiding stop was standing at the table in our family room with her eyes covered. She did improve as spot # 2 was under a comforter where I honestly couldn’t see her (she is small enough that there was no discernible lump). Crazy kid.

Today she had a great time “helping” me to clean the fridge. Pretty certain that when she is old enough to really help that will be the furthest thing from what she wants to do. She also helped her Dad blanch carrots from our garden the other day. Here’s a photo.


We have at least 20 lbs of carrots. I have no idea how we are going to eat 20 lbs of carrots! We just had out last fresh tomato from the garden tonight for dinner. Pretty impressive for late October. We’ve been eating fresh tomatoes since the first week of August. We’ve had tomatoes with breakfast, lunch and dinner. Our vitamin C counts must be awesome.

Okay this post started out about Kamryn and ended up about vegetables. That’s awful and certainly a sign that I have nothing to write about.

The Connundrum that is my little man

I don’t understand Sam sometimes. Today I gave my fridge a much needed cleaning. Our family room adjoins our kitchen. The family room is full of toys and fun things. The kitchen … nothing but danger so where does Sam like to play? So We barricaded him in the family room (two chairs blocking the opening not covered by the couch). The squeezed himself between the chair and the play kitchen that was blocking his way and screamed and cried until I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was 4 feet away from him at most the whole time. Chatting with him etc. He wasn’t ever alone. When I couldn’t handle the shrieking and crying anymore I picked him up and put him in his high chair with a plastic cup. He sat there for the next half hour completely content with NOTHING to do and further away from me than he had been in the two overflowing family room. I don’t understand.

He’s in the oddest mood today. He ended up going to bed with no supper at 6 pm. He normally naps 3 – 4 hours in the afternoon. Today he barely slept for two and despite trying to rock him back to sleep twice was having nothing to do with his nap. He also wanted nothing to do with his dinner although the moment we would take him out of his chair he would sign that he was hungry and cry his little heart out. We tried to give him dinner 3 times before we gave up and decided that if all he was going to do is scream it was best to put him to bed. He went down immediately and has been silent since. Super early for him to go down though (6 pm). Don’t know what is going on there. Similar thing last night though. I’m taking comfort in the fact that he ate enough for lunch to keep a linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys content.

On a good note he is becoming quite the conversationalist. :) He is really doing well signing. He’s got about 15 signs which is pretty much what his lazy parents have attempted to teach him. I have to go online and find some other words that he could use. He comments on things now rather than just asking for things. He is also really proficient with the please and thank you it’s very cute to see. He’s also quite a prankster. He’s got a good sense of humour. For instance he was teething pretty seriously over the past weeks and lived with one hand of the other ALWAYS in his mouth. Lately, as his teeth are pretty much in we’ve been trying to break this new habit. So we tell him when we see him wandering around with his hand in his mouth to take it out. He will look at you full in the face and grin and then pretend to put it back and then laugh at you. Too cute. He “challenges” that way pretty much with anything you tell him not to do. I’m sure it will be annoying eventually but right now it’s just neat to watch his mind work that way. In my opinion it’s also a demonstration of sorts that he is beginning to understand that his actions have consequences. This is wonderful considering the pestering worry that he might have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or worse (if there is a worse).

Took some shots of the kids in the bath earlier this week. I really love this one of Sam, it really catches his personality.

Okay I'm going to rant again a little. Sam's birth-grandmother is driving us insane, slowly but surely. We have tried to be compassionate. She wanted to come for Sam's baptism which was in last month. We thought it was kind of soon (after placement) for a visit but we reluctantly went along with it because he seemed to be adjusting all right and we wanted to be nice. The day before she called and said she wasn't coming because she had to work. Okay. She said she would maybe come the following weekend. The next weekend we put everything on hold for her and never heard from her. Then later the next week she called and said that it looked like a weekend wouldn't work because she kept getting called to work and asked about coming mid-week we said sure and then we waited; a week went by; then two. Then she said she was coming so we cleared our schedule, prepared ourselves, made plans, rented a mini-van (we all can't fit in our car-seat filled SUV) got all nervous and ... nothing (she was supposed to call earlier in the week to provide details). Didn't hear from her so I had Daniel call her the night before she was due and no she decided not to come (she had to go "home" because of problems with Sam's birthmother). Sigh. Okay, I know this will be hard for her but it's not as if we are forcing her. If she doesn't want to come tell us and don't come but don't keep us on a hook like this. Daniel told her when he called that Kamryn's birthfather has made plans to come in November and that he will take precedence (he's coming from farther away AND he doesn't keep changing his mind) if they both plan on coming the same week. To make matters worse, she insisted on buying Sam a snowsuit for this winter. She said she would bring it when she came ... ummmm it dips below freezing every night now and he still doesn't have a proper winter coat because we are waiting on her. I feel bad that he's going to end up with two coats because soon I'm going to have to go out and buy him one anyways. Daniel says that she implied during their last conversation that she might put it in the mail to arrive before Halloween. Let's hope. For now he can wear Kamryn's old jacket but it's lilac and I'm a little embarassed for the kid wandering around his is older sister's girly hand-me-down.

I am SUCH a moron

I get mid-cycle pain, crippling mid-cycle pain. Well I have finally convinced my doctor to do something more proactive about it (rather than just prescribing stronger and stronger anti-inflamatories; I think we have maxed out her options there as it is) and have a whole bunch of tests and appointments with specialists set up in the coming weeks.

Still in the back of my "reverse-hypochondriac" mind (there are regular hypochndriac tendancies there as well) I keep asking myself if its all in my head. It's because I can be bent over in pain one minute and then half an hour later dealing with a dull ache that is easy to ignore. When the pain is gone I always ask myself if it's really as bad as I thought it was.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for Thursday. My doctor told me to schedule it for a time when I am actually in pain. Now you have to schedule the ultrasounds 3 weeks to a month in advance. As this pain is related to ovulation and I'm as regular as clockwork I thought I was being smart and pretty much nailed when the pain would arrive again (it was due yesterday or today). So yesterday I was feeling pretty good. The questions started flowing right and left. I even voiced my doubt to Daniel who suffers right along with me cause I don't sleep when dealing with this so neither does he. Right before I went to bed I felt a twinge or two but nothing that I would EVER think to call a doctor about. Doubt set in. I started thinking what if it doesn't start hurting? What if there is nothing wrong and I'm just wasting everyone's time and money? What if I making a fool of myself? What if the ultrasound shows nothing. I'm actually somewhat certain it won't show anything as this is my third ultrasound for the same complaint but still it bothers me.

Anyway, so here I was hoping and praying that the pain would kick in the way it was expected to. This afternoon I got my wish. It arrived and it brought along friends! What was I thinking - hoping to be ill? A normal, sane, and intelligent person would be sitting and hoping that by some miracle of miracles she would be spontaneously cured. Not I. Fool that I am. I'm being sorely punished for my stupidity. At least the ultrasound on Thursday won't be a waste of time.

You'd think that since I had reproductive organs that are essentially useless that they would have the courtesy to lie there quietly and bug me as little as possible. Nope they have to remind me monthly that they are there pretending to do what they are supposed to be doing. Evil things!

Remind Me: She BEGGED to go skating

My sweet and adorable husband just came down the stairs carrying toilet bowl cleaner. He was upstairs putting Sam to bed. It was my turn for the human tornado that is Kamryn and I technically finished before him as I read her about eighty stories before we went up to bed so she only got one story in the actual bed. That and I don't have to sit and rock her to sleep. I say technically because I just heard little footsteps upstairs and she might not be in bed anymore.

Why is it so gosh darn charming that Daniel is walking around carrying toilet bowl cleaner? Well first Daniel is far from a neat freak. His normal idea of cleaning the bathroom is to make sure there aren't any towels on the floor. Secondly, the cleaning ladies (we have two that come twice a month) were here today. Anyway he didn't like the way they "cleaned" of downstairs bathroom and thus did something about it while I sat on the couch doing nothing. Now I feel like a slug. lol A slug with a super husband.

He was a godsend today. On those Fridays that the cleaning ladies come I try to leave the house with both kids before they arrive. This is for several reasons, first because I'm embarrassed that someone is cleaning my mess; second, because we get in the way; and third, because I am embarrassed that someone is cleaning my mess. It's always tough though since I don't really know when they will get here. They tend to arrive anytime after 10:00 and generally leave before 2:00 give or take 15 minutes. The house has to be pretty orderly for them to clean and well we aren't an orderly family. Laundry must be put away, dishes shelved, toys tucked away etc. etc.

Now I have plenty of time to do that on Thursday but invariably Friday morning roles around and there is so much left to be done. I then run around like a mad chicken straightening so when my "friends" as Kamryn refers to them come I'm not even more embarrassed about my lousy housekeeping skills. Having an extra set of hands to help with the mad scramble helps immensely.

The next wonderful thing about having Daniel about on a Friday is that keeping two under-4s entertained for 4 hours outside the house on a rainy Friday is harder than it may seem. Last time we visited the Museum. Today the plan was skating and then shopping. Both were being cranky and uncooperative. We left early for skating with an idea that we could hang out in the library for a half hour and maybe they could learn a little too. Ummmm... what were we thinking. We walked into the bright cheery and QUIET library and I knew we were doomed. I saw what I thought was a cool book for Sam. It was about trains and was super wide. Turns out it was to be read with the book turned on it's edge. Sam couldn't care less. What he wanted to do most was pull books off the shelves and throw them on the floor (he generally likes reading just not this morning). So I put him on my hip and went in search of some books I wanted to read (Lemony Snicket's A series of Unfortunate Events; yup I'm into reading kids books of late). He wasn't really happy with this turn of events so regular shrieks filled the library. Kamryn on the other hands wasn't much better. She had no interest in reading but much interest in torturing her brother and invoking more shrieks. We didn't last long at the library and headed for the rink a little earlier than planned (they are in the same complex). Turns out that wasn't such a bad idea. Took FOREVER to get tickets for skating and then there is all the effort involved in suiting up a preschooler and a toddler for skating.

Kamryn has real skates and has been skating since last January. Kamryn was skating pretty well at the end of last season. She started in January and by March (maybe 6 skating sessions later) could easily make a lap of the arena without tumbling over. Today wasn't all that successful. She got out there and was skating along doing not so bad when she had her first tumble, maybe 15 feet into her first skate. Boom! Down on her posterior, her previously well padded and diapered posterior and now gloriously diaper free and bony as can be. Ouch! She was done right then and there. After drying her tears, I managed to convince her to skate a little more with the reassurance brought on by the skating frame (metal frame about the size of a folding chair intended to help new skaters stay upright; we hadn't been using it up to that point) but in general she was determined not to have any fun until just before we were about to go when I had the brilliant idea of faking a fall myself to show her that it didn't have to hurt if she fell "right." She skated off the ice (about 30 feet) under her own steam (no skating frame that is) but it took a bribe of promised candy to get her to do that.

We got Sam bobskates (which are pretty useless in my opinion). Sam really seemed to enjoy himself, not that he did all that much skating. He could go about 2 steps before he would tumble over even on the bob skates. He spent most of the session being held between either Daniel or myself and a skating frame and whizzing about the ice with his feet occasionally touching the ice. Midway through the session and old guy who you could tell had done some serious figure skating in his day (circa 1823) came over to explain to me that I shouldn't have him on bob skates but real skates because he would learn the wrong feel. Ummmm... he's not even 17-months old yet and hasn't even been walking 4 full months yet. Give the kid a break. In the old guy's defence we did try him in Kamryn's skates (her skates are adjustable and fit size 8 though 11 so not terribly big on him) in our family room and didn't think it would work so we did think about it. Additionally, having seen how dismally the bobskates perform we may still go out and but him "real" skates.

We finished off our day-out with an uneventful but whiney-post-skating-tired-kid-what-were-you-thinking trip to the mall (can't go home because my friends were still cleaning). Which wasn't all that bad except Kamryn was denied a trip to the indoor park because she was being a whiney post skating tired kid (lol Daniel had no patience today). She cleaned up though on clothes. I got her a super cute Christmas "all-day" outfit (I always plan two outfits. A "drop dead gorgeous Christmas card go to church outfit" and a "I'm a kid and need to be comfortable but still cute and Christmassy" outfit). I stood in the store staring at their Halloween stuff while waiting to pay for this Christmas outfit thinking hmmm... Halloween, I should buy them some stuff for next year when it occurred to me that Halloween hasn't even come yet. Geez. I remember the days when nothing Christmassy went up until after US Thanksgiving. Soon they will be putting Christmas stuff up in July.

I must admit that as I take my regular place on the couch I'm a little stiff and sore from our skating sojourn (much time spent bent over to the height of the skating frame supporting little bodies.) Daniel (who is storing up major points here) has darted out to the store to get some milk for the kids and chocolate (well he WAS going out anyways. The house is quiet except for the patter of little feet that should be in bed. Off to scold the owner of those feet. Cheers. :)

The One in Which Sibling Rivalry Final Rears Its Ugly Head

First off, I'd like to welcome all the friends who have followed me here. I am flattered by your friendship and loyalty and so glad you made the effort. A blog doesn't have much purpose unless it has readers and I admit to not knowing whether I would have any or not. I'm a tough person to befriend. I have ridiculously high standards (I'm the first to admit it) and I don't pull punches. I do so much value good friends though. So thank you.

Okay onto my belly-aching. lol

Sigh. Been one of those morning. We’ve had a lot of them in the last 4 months since Sam came home but this one is definitely unique although we should have seen it coming as the tremors have been increasing in strength over the last week or so. This morning’s (or actually afternoon’s) earthquake was a good 8.2 on the richter scale.

Some background although not a lot because most of the people reading this I expect know our background pretty well. Kamryn was a domestic infant adoption (I will post her story – copied from elsewhere – at some point in the near future). I held her, hell I breastfed her, within 15 hours of her entering this world. Sam was a much different story. He was a domestic toddler adoption. After a nightmare of red tape and false starts he came home on June 6th of this year. He was 2 weeks past his 1st birthday. It’s a VERY rough age to adopt a child at. They are way young to understand what is happening in their lives. It is impossible to explain it to them yet they are extremely aware that their universe has been completely upended. Sam has taken it, from what we have been told, extremely well. It has been pretty rough on both ends though. We knew it would be going in but there is a marked difference between reading about something in a book and having a living and breathing being throwing things at you and screaming his head off in your kitchen.

I’m not looking for sympathy at all but I must have heard a gazillion times in the last 4 months: “how is Sam doing?” No one has asked how we are doing. It’s exhausting and it’s hard and many a time I’ve thought we made a mistake. Life was so simple when it was just the three of us. Kamryn was at an age where she was getting more and more independent. We were settled and secure. It was easy. One kid is easy. Then we went and shook the boat. I wonder if it would have been easier had we adopted another newborn. I’m almost certain it would have been. Easier on all three of us. We have Sam though and we wouldn’t trade him for anything. I told Daniel the other day driving home from somewhere or another that I finally understood what people say about an inability to love different children equally. The love itself is of the same intensity but you love them both differently. It’s hard to explain but it’s just different not less or more but different.

Sam is an extremely stubborn little boy who hasn’t a patient bone in his body and likes to cry, shriek, yell at the top of his voice to get whatever he wants. We don’t know it that’s just how he is (all his paperwork talks about what a bubbly kid he is/was and how he seldom cries); if it’s something been yanked from all that was familiar to him has done; or if he was simply spoiled rotten before coming to us. Things we will never know. He threw his first tantrum the first day he came home. We had some canned pop and didn’t share it with him. They have grown more intense and violent since although I think they may have decreased in frequency). He can scream for 45 minutes solid if you don’t give him what he wants immediately (and of course we don’t). How do you bond with a little boy that works so hard to repulse you. It was exhausting for all of us and had me in tears more than once. Alternatively he can be so sweet. He is very free with kisses and hugs. When you put him in his crib at night, if he is still awake and not mad about some perceived offence he will turn to you as you leave the room, give a little smile and say “buh bye.” It the nicest way to end a rough day. That’s how you bond, and we’re getting there. He is attaching (maybe a little to much to me even, I’m smothering a little and I think Daniel is a little jealous) and we are bonding.

The bond with Kamryn on the other had was/is/has been instantaneous. The two were inseparable almost from the first day they met (the day before his 1st birthday). When people would ask how they were doing as siblings I would quip, “well… the can’t bear to be apart and they try to kill each other when they are together.” It was very true.

Me (getting dressed in the other room): Kamryn why is Sam crying?
Kamryn (“playing” with Sam is his room): Because I’m sitting on him.

There were some fits of jealousy from Kamryn (i.e. carrying around a particular toy all day so Sam couldn’t have it, the sitting incident, a day where she took to biting him repeatedly) but nothing that we couldn’t deal with. She did so very well and we were so proud of her. There was also some evidence that the stress of the whole situation was getting to her too. We took special effort to spend time with her and have he get things off her chest and burn off nervous energy. We were extra understanding when she was being a pain etc. She seemed to adjust well. She potty trained both night and day over this time even. We thought we had cleared the biggest hurdles.

Today has been horrendous. The past few days she has been using baby-talk in a most annoying manner. We have ignored it, as it seemed an overt attempt for extra attention. Today the floodgates just burst. It’s like having 16 month old twins. She is asking for things in the demanding, I-only-know-3-words-and-must-cry-a lot manner of her little brother. We have huge problems getting Sam to eat so Kamryn was mimicking that. When she got on my last nerve and I sent her up for her nap without having the opportunity to finish the lunch that she was intent on not eating anyways, what a tantrum that invoked. She hated her “new” room (she’s been in it since April, 2 months before Sam came home). She hated her “new” bed. She wanted her old bed back etc. etc. etc. A yelling, screaming, shouting, fit that went on endlessly. Nothing was as she wanted. Nothing was enough. Thank the Lord Daniel is home and I didn’t have to deal all on my own (to make matters worse I have an injured right elbow and was just to the doctors this morning and have instructions to rest it as much as possible. Impossible to rest anything while fighting with a tantruming 33 lb, 3-year old).

I put Sam down for his nap and Daniel took Kamryn out of a walk and to work in the garden. She should be napping but she probably needs this more. Ugh! The joys of two kids.

I was thinking the other day that I might be happier had we stayed an only child family and almost as part of the same thought I knew that I wouldn’t have been. Hard as the adjustment has been the reasons I wanted a second child are all being fulfilled. He brings such joy to all of us. When Kamryn isn’t busy torturing him they play so wonderfully well together. The dynamic of our family has changed mostly for the better. I look forward to his growing up a little more so that we can more easily engage in family activities but we are getting there. I am enjoying watching that transformation take place in his little body. This morning he was totally distressed because he pulled off his sock and couldn’t put it back on. I’m so overjoyed with my two children and I guess if I can be happy I need to accept that there are two sides to every coin and it’s all right not to be happy all the time.

Having just written that I guess Kamryn’s awful morning is completely justified as well (I just glanced into the backyard and she is having a wonderful time playing in the garden :)).

I’m going to have a cup of tea and some Oreos and watch a little TV.

Typically Atypical

So now things get complicated. How are we not typical? The question makes me think perhaps it's self-centered of me to think we are not. There are a lot of families out there just like us (some a darn sight more interesting; I "know" many of them having "met" them online). We are a family formed by adoption. I look at our family photo, of which I'm quite proud, sitting on the mantle of our fire place (the same one at the beginning of this post) and think it looks so perfect and genuine. At the time it was taken (July 2005) we had been a family unit less then 8 weeks. While we looked the part we were still very much working out the kinks. We still are for that matter. I don't know when we'll be done with that, if ever, but is any family?

I wonder how the family dynamic is different in families that come together because Mom and Dad were feeling a little frisky one night rather than that families formed after years of infertility problems, invasive infertility treatments, stressful homestudy processes, expensive and every more stressful adoption proceedings. I suspect most times it isn't any different whatsoever. However, I spend a lot of my waking time thinking about the adoption part of our equation. It prevades everything I do, everything I think about. It's always there just under the surface. When I go to a Mommy and Me class with Sam I'm thinking, do these people know. Would they care? Do they know what we went through to have this little miracle in our family? Do they realize as I struggle to deal with a tantrum that it's likely not a "normal" tantrum and that this little boy has been through more in his short life then they will likely experience in their lifetime and probably handled it better then they ever could have? I'm smiling and chatting about age appropriate milestones of our similarly aged progeny (see there we go he's not my progeny) but I'm thinking all those other things.

When I sit down to surf parenting websites during my copious amounts of freetime, I go to the adoption sites or the infertility sites. I've been to the normal parenting ones. I lurk sometimes but I rarely post. I don't fit in and I don't understand and it's better to be anonymous on the sidelines. I spend a lot of time on my two favorite sites. I have good friends there. I feel comfortable and at home there. I also have that journal that I kept for ages. Had I got pregnant when I set out on my journey towards a family seven years ago I suspect that I never would have thought twice about participating in any kind of online community. Figured I had gotten that out of my system when I met and married Daniel (more on that someday in the future). I would continue quietly going about my existence and raising my family. Now I'm an online addict. My online friends are a lifeline that I couldn't live without (well I probably could but I would miss them so ...).

My experiences would be so different. So much more "typical" but what is typical anyways. Would we be more typical if IUI #1 had worked, #2? How about IVF#3 our "Hail Mary pass"? Everyone has their history don't they? A little more on ours later... Cheers.

Well this is me ...

Hi,

I'm trying to decide how anonymous I want to be here. I have an online journal that I've kept for (ack!) 5 years now! I've been pretty open there about my real name, location etc. I always figured that I'm not interesting enough for that information to be damaging in any way. However, I've always wondered about what would happen if a family member or friend googled me because it would come up (BTDT) and well... I'm pretty honest in that journal. Perhaps here we will all have pseudonyms to guard against that. Could be kind of fun having different names. lol

Then again might be pretty confusing for everyone who reads this who "knows" the "real" me. Ah well if I can adjust I'm sure they can. So who are we:

Typical family of four in almost all ways then on the other hand we're a typical family of four in no way at all. All at the same time.

Me (okay easy, to give everyone else in the family a new name. Not so easy to give myself one) hmmmm... Mary-Louise(I picked it off the cover of the TV guide sitting in front of me it was that or Elizabeth) : 37, house wife and stay-at-home-Mom, for now, Defence Policy Development Officer come April 2006

Daniel: 43, loving husband, father and freelance television broadcast technician

Kamryn: 3, preschooler, part-time ballerina and sometime soccer player

Samuel: 1, Dr. Destructo, Lord of the Dance :)

We live in the suburbs in Ottawa, Canada. In a typical two-story, three bedroom, single family home. We have no pets. See I told you pretty typical. I guess I'll get into the why we aren't typical part in my next entry but now you know all the really important, bone-wearily normal stuff that anyone bumping into us as we shopped for milk at the local Superstore could probably figure out in a second and a half. Nice to meet you.