Speech Therapy Frustrations

So we went to a Speech Therapy parent information night at the Children’s Hospital on Monday. Back in January, some may remember, we had Sam screened at a clinic and he was determined to likely need services and “screened into the programme.” What that was SUPPOSED to mean was that in the following three months we would be called and given an opportunity to attend a parent info night. We were told that in the three months following our attendance at the info night he would be evaluated and he could expect services in the three months following that. So:

January – screened in.

March/April – Parent-Info night

June/July – Evaluation

October/November – Services

Seemed like a LONG wait to me. However, he was talking and progressing and personally I thought the speech pathologist may have jumped the gun a little so I was willing to wait.

Ya, end of June and we’ve JUST had out info-night. We were told he will be evaluated sometime between August and November. At this point I’m thinking November is likely. He won’t get services until FEBRUARY!!!! That’s over a year from the point in which a speech pathologist suggested he should receive services. That’s ridiculous.

Not to mention that while he is progressing and talking in two to three word sentences now and repeating stuff like crazy he still talks like he has a mouth full of marbles. We are unable to understand 90% of what he says (Kamryn can understand more) and strangers can’t understand him at all. He gets EXTREMELY frustrated, poor little guy. So now we are looking at paying out of pocket and getting things checked ourselves.

I go back and forth on this. Sometimes I listen to him and am certain that I’m just expecting too much – Kamryn I think is a little gifted in the whole language side of things. She really has a good grasp of both English and French and has a wonderful vocabulary and very good enunciation. She’s not a milestone. Then though I bump into other two year olds who speak clearly and in complex sentences and I really worry.

I just don’t want to waste anyone’s time if he’s really fine but I have a nagging belief that he’s not. His godmother is a speech pathologist (unfortunately she doesn’t live in this city). Daniel is going to call her and see what advice she has to give.

Educating Kamryn

So Kamryn looked at me the other day and said that she didn’t like being brown.

Okay I admit it I panicked.

Not something I was expecting or knew how to face at that moment. Mind is spinning and I’m trying to think of intelligent things to say to bolster her self-confidence and tell her how great it is to be “brown.”

Deep intake of air for Maman who needs to come out sounding cool and casual. Except for the long pregnant pause I think I pulled it off.

So Kamryn, why don’t you want to be brown? What would you rather be?

Black, like granddad (for some reason I’m also “brown” * dunno * Daniel is pink. lol).

Okay – big sigh of relief. MUCH easier to deal with this one. I would have handled it the same way regardless but I worry less with this perspective.

We talked about how everyone is a different colour. That’s just who we are what makes us special. She was quite accepting of this. I think she often just says stuff to provoke conversation. It’s not like it’s really bothering her or anything. She often will ask the same question eighty gazillion times just to provoke conversation and get attention (i.e. if she asks me one more time why she has a “new” (it’s now 4 months old) car seat I might just explode.

I cleaned out my herb garden, which was COMPLETELY over run with mint yesterday. NEVER planting mint again. I planted mint in pots a few years back, which I then stupid buried. The mint escaped the pots and took over the entire 6 by 3 foot plot and has also taken to exploring the rest of the back yard. I thought dill was bad. The mint did make the back yard smell nice but how much mint does one really need?!?

Anyway, Kamryn was “helping.” The mint was a good two feet high (okay so I should have got to this weeks ago!) and very hard to pull up. To make matters worse we have A LOT of spiders in the garden. The tall dark mint made a great haven for bugs of all sorts but especially the gazillion spiders that populate of back yard. Now I’m not a huge fan of spiders but I’m not deathly afraid of them either. These though are icky spiders. For one they seem to be quite fertile (I think it might just be the type of spider but I think not) which grosses me out. Not their fertility, per se, but rather the fact that every second one has a huge white egg sack appended to them – ick!

Lately, Kamryn has been expressing a fear of bugs. I don’t think it’s a real fear but rather a manufactured one and I would like to shake the person who put this idea in her head. Kamryn has a rather bold personality. She’s not afraid of anything except performing on stage. Lol She doesn’t mind the dark and has never demonstrated anything but absolute joy in bugs (Sam well that’s a different story – terrified of bugs.) So I think the “bug fear” is mostly a look at me I can be girly and scared. So I’m trying to be casual about the hoards of spiders and figured I would be a smart mum and educate my child. So I picked a hideous spider and told her about all the little baby spiders in the spider’s “tummy” (hmmm… the birds and the spiders?). Charlotte’s web seemed more romantic than this. Okay so now she wants to know how babies get in the tummies. Yikes.

An aside: Okay I know you’re supposed to use anatomically correct language and I shouldn’t use tummy I should tell her the uterus but good grief – she’s not even three yet! I was told tummy too and eventually figured it out. Hopefully my child isn’t so “simple” that this will scar her for life. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

I really have to get reading – these questions are hard. She wouldn’t accept “God puts them there” as an answer (seemed kind of simplistic to me too though). She wanted to know why God puts them there. She wanted to know why they needed to be there. Okay my fault I must teach her less. Perhaps lock her in the basement, in the dark, tied to the furnace.

We did have a short discussion (she brought it up) about how she was in her birthmom’s tummy not mine. This was prompted by a discussion about where her cousin came from (she remembers him being in her Aunt’s tummy). It’s still all very matter-of-fact for her which I’m grateful for. I don’t know if she doesn’t get it or if it’s just not upsetting for her. I’m hoping the latter but I’m not completely naïve.

It’s kinda fun to have “real” conversations with her. It’s fun to be her mom. :)

I’m officially a soccer Mom – an obnoxious one at that. :)

Sunday was Kamryn’s first day as a bona fide soccer player. She was very excited but probably not as excited as me. All day she kept asking if “Coach Stefano” was going to be there. He was the coach she had last fall when she took an indoor soccer class. Notably we didn’t continue the class into the winter because she didn’t seem to be getting much out of it. She just wouldn’t listen. Coach Stefano was good though – her coach in this league – not so much. Ah well. The idea is that the kids have fun and fun they did have. Although who in their right mine puts a 3 ½ year old in goal for a whole game! Poor kid (not mine thank heavens!) was just standing there. She wasn’t really goal keeping because the “coach” told her not to move so she wasn’t going to. Finally her mother went over and pulled her out of goal so that she to could have a little fun.

Kamryn had a great time and was actually quite good for the first part of the “game.” She ball handled well and was aggressive enough to get in the pack and actually kick the ball. Now she wasn’t perfect – at one point I heard her narrating to their coach as she ran down the field how she had new soccer shoes. Still I was very proud of her. She played MUCH better than I expected she would. Then her friend (the aforementioned goal keeper) was put into the actual game and the wheels kind of fell off at that point. They were holding hands, comparing ponytails and generally socializing instead of actually playing. I have to admit it was cute if somewhat maddening. Their team, Team Italy, got completely creamed by Team Trinidad who somehow seemed older (they really aren’t although it is conceivable that our team is 3 ½ year old “heavy”) and decidedly more talented. I’m hoping that next Sunday they will play Team Poland because I took a look at Team Poland and while cute (what 3 or 4 year old in huge soccer gear isn’t?) looked decidedly “less athletic” than Team Italy. Lol One can only hope.

I did notice that a good portion of Team Italy (at least 5 kids out of maybe 15) spent a great deal of time on the sidelines crying while the same didn’t seem true for Team Trinidad. I don’t really understand but maybe it’s because I don’t have a kid with separation anxiety. I’ve never been in that situation (things may change when Sam starts doing things where I’m not RIGHT there). Parents were on the sidelines; they weren’t all that far away. * shrug * Hopefully they will get more into it. One little girl was just breaking hearts. I think she sobbed from the warm-up right through to the final whistle. I kept thinking that her parents should just pull her but I guess that wouldn’t have helped her any. Poor kid.

Kamryn must have been completely exhausted by the end of the night. I don’t think she ever stopped running. Sam was quite put out that he could play to; he though had a pretty good time running along with Kamryn, Jordan and Braeden (little boy across the who lives across the street) before and after the game. During the game he was COMPLETELY miserable. I can’t blame him but I don’t know what I can do – I can’t leave him at home and I can’t tie him up and gag him. Drugs… perhaps…drugs (just kidding!) This time I tried food; plying him with cookies whenever he got restless. Oie can that boy put away cookies so that didn’t work for very long. I will have to be more creative next weekend, although hopefully Daniel will be off work so I won’t be on my own with him. He tends to listen to Daniel MUCH better than me.

Anyway, while getting Kamryn ready for bed she kept proclaiming how much she enjoyed soccer and how she was going to dream about it that night. I think we have a winner here. She likes it AND she’s actually good at it (for a not quite 4 year old anyways). Hopefully she will continue to enjoy it; of all the sports she could play soccer is the one I really hoped she would get into – equipment is cheap and I don’t have to sit in a freezing rink at 6 am on a Saturday morning. Before you say anything, I am prepared to sit on a sopping field in November.

Some Photos:

My soccer star:



My soccer star and her amazing teammates. Her "best mate" Jordan and the little boy who lives across the street. It was his birthday Sunday. When he was born 4 years ago we didn't even know Kamryn was going to exist. They are seven weeks apart in age.

Brother-Sister Day

We had our first “Brother-Sister” day on Tuesday. It was glorious. Everything came together so nicely. Both Daniel and I took the day off work and took the kids to the beach. Kamryn was sooooo excited. She kept explaining to Sam the significance of the day. Sam at 2 years old couldn’t have cared less. Lol

So we had a picnic lunch down at the beach. The weather was glorious and we have a beautiful beach just down the road (4 min) drive from our house. The kids only got out of the water to eat. The water was frigid and they didn’t seem to care. Sam kept filling and re-filling a bucket of water that he kept dumping over himself. Brrrrrrrrr… We dragged them home for showers and naps mid-afternoon and I had to wake them both for dinner at 5:30 less we be late for Kamryn’s last ballet class of the season. All four of us went to ballet class together after a dinner of McDonald’s (yuck! But it’s the kids favorite and it was their day). After the class we invited Kamryn’s best friend home with us for cake and then all went off to bed; both kids were completely wiped out. Sam was just a quivering mass of crying tiredness at that point.

It was a great family day though. I can’t believe that it’s been a year since Sam joined us. It wasn’t a picture perfect homecoming. Our little guy had it rough – that first separation from his grandmother (whom he had been living with) was hard on him even though we weren’t strangers to him at that point. He was very attached (and really tired after a long day) and when she left he cried and cried (she did come back to visit the next day). Still he did so well in the following days although he’s still a big crier with a wicked temper – just his personality.

Here’s a picture we took of both kids when we were visiting with him (about 3 weeks before he came home)



Here are some photos from “Brother-Sister” Day.

Pre-beach:







One beach photo – of the many crappy ones I took:



Post beach:




The little girl in the middle is Kamryn’s best friend. Sam is in love with her - lol. His feelings are returned. lmao Note how the only person actually looking at the camera instead of the cake was the guest.

Better Hope I Stay Healthy

Kamryn found a caterpillar yesterday. She played with it/watched it for a few minutes, named it "Lulu" and then killed it. Her reasoning for imposing the death sentence on this poor hapless creature: "Well, it was a little bit sick..."

Later that evening when I was putting Dr. Kevorkian to bed she waxed on about poor Lulu. How she will never again find a caterpillar like Lulu and how Lulu was her BEST friend. It was all I could do to make it out of her room before collapsing in laughter.

Today at preschool what did they make for their craft? Caterpillars. I had to laugh.

Good news on the preschool front Sam has been admitted for the Fall. He will do summer camp with Kamryn through July and August and then start regular preschool (no different than summer camp as far as I can tell except I don't have to pack him a snack) Sept 6th. He's so little. It will be good for him though.

Good Adoption Stuff and Bad Adoption Stuff

Sam got an extra special birthday present on his birthday (technically it was on my birthday but we didn’t find out until his). His adoption was finalized. The paperwork arrived on his birthday. We didn’t get the mail until rather late (8 pm) and were not really expecting that so it was a welcome surprise. It might make our trip to the Texas this summer a little easier because I might be able to get him a passport before we go.

It is so odd to be done with adoption, at least the legal end of things. We paid our last adoption bill earlier this month – the cash just came out of our bank account yesterday – so that’s done! The lawyers are done. The social workers are done. After 5 years we are done! I took both kids adoption decrees out and just stared at them. The same judge signed both of them. Sam’s says we were there in court (which we weren’t). On Kamryn’s they appropriately left that spot blank. Kamryn’s is on nicer paper. Sam’s has a nicer seal but apart from that they are essentially identical. We NEED to get a safety deposit box and soon. Have to put this paperwork somewhere safe as our copies are the only copies that will ever exist. If something happens to them the kids are out of luck. I feel very responsible for these flimsy legal forms. We online bank so I’m not sure it’s going to be all that easy to get a safety deposit box but I will have to investigate nonetheless. The other option that we are considering is a real safe. We have a lockbox (hidden) at home but it’s not fire proof and that’s what a really worry about.

Kamryn asked me the first of the hard/heartbreaking questions to come this weekend. Sam’s grandmother called (as she does quite regularly) and after getting of the phone with her Kamryn wanted to know who “Nana” was. When I told her she was Sam’s birth grandmother she wanted to know why she didn’t have one. Well she does… sigh… but they wanted no contact. We don’t even have real direct contact with her birthmother as all exchanges are done by e-mail. Her birthfather calls occasionally but since he moved to Africa he has only called once. We’ve had almost no contact with him since. They are good about sending pictures and gifts and cards etc. They aren’t so good about actual contact (well D* has no real choice considering he lives an ocean away; before he used to visit irregularly). This wasn’t a big deal to an infant or a toddler who had no idea what was going on. It’s going to be a big deal as the kids get older. It’s what I always worried about when we were adopting again as I knew that different kids would necessarily have varying relationships with their birth families.

I expect Nana will visit twice a year (frustrating as it is to arrange those visits; she was supposed to come for Sam birthday and cancelled at the last minute). I suspect that Sam’s birthmother may visit sometime in the future (hopefully distant, for many reasons) but she will certainly speak with him on the phone once he is really talking. I don’t think Kamryn’s birthmother can/could handle that. I’m hoping she gets stronger as the years go on. I don’t want to pressure her or guilt her into anything but my priority in life is Kamryn and her happiness. If the questions keep coming I will have to let her birthmother in on the pressure we are under. For now, I try to respect her privacy. Regardless, every time she visits the province I feel a little pang that she hasn’t come to visit us.

On other news I continue to be FURIOUS at Sam’s birthmother’s stepdad and sister. I mentioned way back when (I think) that they had their noses out of joint because we wouldn’t give them our address at Christmas. At that point they “wrote Sam off” (how do you write a 2 year old you claim to love out of your life). So for Mother’s Day we sent a DVD of Sam off to his birthmother. She was very happy to receive it and wanted to share it with someone – who better than her family. They refused to watch it with her and told her that he was out of their lives. Good grief people, grow up a little! Sam’s birthmother isn’t a normal intelligence; she’s brain injured and she’s an addict (I can’t even say recovering because I’m not sure she is). She needs support; family support most of all. This adoption was VERY hard on her. How can people hold love hostage. Sigh.

Okay I started on such a happy note and then things got rather dark didn’t they. Yikes. Didn’t mean for that to happen so back to happy thoughts at MY two kids and a good future for both of them.

Is there a difference between people watching and stalking?

So I’ve become a stalker. Who would have thunk it but here I am – stalker extraordinaire. Pregnant-lady got on the bus today. First day I have seen here since I last wrote about her. You see, the bus she takes ISN’T the one I should take. It’s my “oh-my-lord-is-that-the-time” bus. It’s my “doh-you-are-going-to-be-really-late” bus. It’s my back-up when I miss my regular bus. To get to this bus I actually have to go in a different direction from my regular bus so I have to really late. Okay, don’t call the cops but, lately, I’ve been taking it on purpose. Partially because on morning a met a couple of ladies I thought were really nice and wanted to run into them again (I haven’t really). The other reason – to stalk pregnant-lady. She got on this morning and I turned my MP3 player off so I could eavesdrop. How crass is that? I need professional help.

On the other hand she seemed happy this morning. It looked as if she was wearing maternity clothes for the first time. A rather smart outfit – red top and a black skirt. She can’t be all that pregnant given the time frame of our first “encounter” (if you can call my sitting across from her and staring on the bus an encounter) to now. Also she hasn’t seen an OB yet. I learned today that her first appointment isn’t until June 15th. She seemed pleased with the outfit though and almost eager to show it off so I was happy for her although a little concerned for her that she is showing this much already (twins maybe?) However, she is slightly on the chubby side and most of her belly was probably hers before she got pregnant. Still she is already doing the protective little tummy rubs as she chats with people. Sigh. You know I used to do fake protective little tummy rubs in the bathroom mirror when I still dreamed of a pregnancy. All seems, nevertheless, good with my stalkee. I will return to getting out of bed when I am supposed and hustling into work on the correct bus.

Today, my parents are keeping the kids overnight. I always feel guilty when they do this. Both Daniel and I have to be into work early tomorrow and tonight Kamryn’s school is having an information night for the Jr. Kindergarten parents. It would have meant picking them up at around 9 and getting them to bed late just to wake them up super early tomorrow morning and drag them right back. Still it seems less then responsible to “dump” them on my parents. The kids always enjoy themselves although they obviously miss us. We had a barbecue at my parents on Sunday for the culmination of “birthday week” and Kamryn was all excited when she found out that “Maman and Papa” were staying too. Lol My parents CLAIM to enjoy it but I’m not so certain that both kids aren’t a bit much for them to take care of all day. I’m really looking forward to Kamryn being in school and taking some of the load off of them.

The weather has finally broken so that is some relief; at least they can play outdoors. I can’t believe the last two weeks. It rained for 11 straight days. We have already had twice the normal rainfall for the month of May and we still have over a week left in the month. The kids (and me!) were going completely stir crazy by Monday. To make matters worse it hasn’t just been wet but cold as well. They were calling for SNOW on Tuesday morning (although I don’t think we actually got any). Today it is 22C and sunny. A heavenly day. I can’t even SEE outside from my pathetic little cubicle though. You win some you lose some. I’m sure the kids are enjoying themselves.

My little man is two today!

I did an *evil* thing. I woke him up this morning (not really he was awake just snuggling in his crib not calling for anybody yet) because I had to say SOMETHING to him before I dashed off for work. He was quite happy to see me but I’m sure Daniel would have appreciated a few more minutes of quiet time. Well tough toodles for him my baby is TWO! Poor kid. I’m working, Daniel is working. Kamryn has gymnastics tonight. It will be after 7 before he even gets his presents. Not that he is any the wiser that this day is different from any other day. He will have two parties on the weekend to make up for it. Ugh! 12 kids and their parents and it's going to rain (as it has for the last 8 days straight) - Calgon take me away!

Yesterday was the anniversary of our first meeting him. What a year it has been. We flew in to his hometown last year got settled in our accommodations and then went over to his grandmother’s house to meet our little guy. We took him a stuffed animal – Hodge I think its name is. Kamryn has a “fraternal twin” stuffed animal named Podge (thus my confusion one is Hodge and the other is Podge). Technically it was a gift from Kamryn. We brought his grandmother flowers. The kids played together in the little apartment so well. Kamryn was so excited to meet him. She was almost in tears when we left the airport earlier in the day and didn’t go immediately to his house. It was a lot for a little kid to understand. When we met him I wanted to scoop him up right away but I was afraid of looking too… well too eager. Why that would have been a bad thing I don’t know. Anyway I hung back to let him get used to me but he happily came to me and didn’t show any stranger anxiety at all. He was and still is a very open little guy. He plays strange sometimes but I’m not all that sure that on the rare occasions it occurs it isn’t just an act intended to get attention.

I fed him water out of my water glass, which made hi grandmother freak out because he never got water. We had lasagna for dinner and were so busy chatting that we forgot to eat dessert. It was hard to go home that night.

The year that followed had its ups and downs. I admit that I worried more than once that I couldn’t love this feisty and demanding little guy. That it wouldn’t happen. It was a silly worry. I can’t imagine my life without him. I can’t imagine him without us. He’s just a part of my heart now. Sometimes just looking at him makes me feel all warm inside. I was torturing him yesterday with kisses and he was being all “boy” and telling me "no" and pushing me away whenever I kissed him. Ah my little man is growing up. He’s still a little baby though and this morning wouldn’t let me leave without his kiss and hug.

We got him a Thomas Train set – it’s a construction/mining set or something like that. It will go with the trains and the figure 8 Water Tower set he already has. My Dad built him (and Kamryn) the most wonderful train table and play bench (wasn’t a birthday present but the timing has worked out). We just set it up for them this week. I’m so excited to give him his present. He is completely Thomas obsessed. He will have so much fun with the expanded set. Last night we were playing and I showed him how the trains would fill up with water from the water tower. I made a little water filling noise. He took over and kept calling me over to show me how the water made a “whoosh” sound as it “went into” the trains. He has a great creative little mind and he picks things up so quickly.

Amazing news on the speech front as well. Yesterday, like someone flipped a switch in his head he started talking in pseudo two word sentences. He still sounds like he is talking with a mouth full of marbles but he is FINALLY doing the two word thing and a lot too. I picked him up from my mother’s at 5:30 ish and was only with him until he went to sleep 2 hours later and in that time period the two word sentences were just spilling out of his little mouth. Mom also told me he said, “it’s in the there” when asked where his little car was. She couldn’t get him to say it again though – try as she might. We may have turned a big corner, which is good because we are STILL waiting for him to be seen by a speech pathologists. This is a big relief because I am more and more convinced that my worries last winter were/are more and more justified. He isn’t where he should be at all and he has major difficulty pronouncing simple sounds BUT he’s making progress despite the lack of professional help and that makes me worry a little less. I’m really anxious for him to be screened though and wish I could do it privately but alas I don’t think such a service exists. So we wait. He has is two year check-up tomorrow and I will bring it up with our doctor more for he opinions than any belief that she can speed the process up any.

Okay much work to be done to earn my salary and not much time left in the day. Must go.

My Birthday and Bus drama

Today it’s my birthday and the scene where Anthony Michael Hall sings to Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles is playing and replaying in my head. Yup – dating myself.

You say it's your birthday
It's my birthday too, yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you

Having a pretty good day considering that neither my husband nor my kids, ALL awake before I left for work, wished me a happy birthday. Ah well… the kids are clueless and Daniel was/is sleep deprived. He knows it’s my birthday as he has arranged (on his own with no prompting or encouragement from me) for my parents to watch the kids tonight so that we can go out to dinner and a movie. :) He also gave me a rocking Mother’s Day present that it also half a birthday present (a 30 GB MP3/Video player). Kinda cool – no I’m not materially obsessed at all. ;) Truth be told the present wasn’t all that important and the no happy birthday is bugging me a little (just a little) but I’m trying to be mature.

Quietish day at work. I have a speech that has come back for revision. I’ve been told my conclusion is a little “flat” ugh! The topic is the Canadian Forces Aeronautics Act; the audience is the House of Commons – what I should throw in a joke or two, lol. How to make the ending pop – I have no idea!

Yesterday as we were leaving Church some random lady who I don’t know stopped us to tell us how adorable and CALM!?! our kids were. Excuse me, was she really talking about my kids?!? Sam spent the entire service climbing up and down off the chair next to me. He would climb up, his heart would get halfway through a beat and he would slide off the chair, give a happy “oops” and climb back up again. It was maddeningly annoying but he would scream if I tried to make him stay on the chair so I just let him do it – pick your battles eh? He wasn’t going to hurt himself, we were in the last row, up against a wall so he wasn’t really disturbing anyone but me. Kamryn was being a pain – she was defiant, loud and trying to be as “infantile” as her brother to get attention. Both of them were kind of embarrassing but I was watching other kids around us and thinking that our two definitely were not the worse. Still I wouldn’t have described them as “calm.” Too funny.

In all serious, lately, Sam seems to be calming down considerably (she says because the memory is short). When he gets all riled up, if you hold him and tell him he needs to calm down he will (momentarily) and will actually repeat “calm, calm, calm.” Of course the second you put him down he is off again like a rocket but progress nonetheless. He also did quite a good job sitting in time out yesterday. He screamed his head off the entire time but he sat on the little chair I put him on without trying to get off to do his screaming and seemed to “get it.” You even mention time out and it upsets him so he understands. Progress – slow, slow progress.

We went out for a fabulous and super expensive brunch yesterday at a resort. Sam was MORE than good. He sat in his little high chair while everyone ate and he munched on whatever he was given. He really enjoyed some rather exotic cheeses Daniel was feeding him. Who would have thought this was the kid who would ONLY eat chicken nuggets, French fries and chicken and rice soup when we brought him home a year ago.

He also sat in his high chair (without much protest) in the garage for over 2 hours on Saturday while we held a garage sale (in VERY icky weather). I had planned on putting him in his pack and play but I sold it. lol He ate his breakfast and his lunch. He played with the toys we were selling and when things got really iffy – he watched Finding Nemo. I was stunned. I wouldn’t sit there that long! We really had no choice. The weather outside was AWFUL – not garage sale weather at all so he couldn’t play in the driveway while we sold all his toys out from under him. He would have destroyed all our “displays” if we had let him down in the actual garage and I had to take Kamryn to swimming lessons in the middle of the sale and he had to stay with his Dad who was working the sale. There is a light at the end of the tunnel here… maybe.

Anyway, I’m an old Mom now. I don’t feel old though. Where did the last decade go? Still two years from forty but it’s looming. Egads! I guess I’m all right with it – as if I have a choice. I was sitting on the bus this morning ease dropping on a conversation about a baby and thinking that the woman telling to story look WAY to old to have a newborn (turns out it wasn’t her baby she was talking about but perhaps her grandchild?). Then I was thinking I wonder if I do to, look too old to have a baby I mean? No problem I reasoned because I don’t have a newborn but I was wondering nevertheless.

It was an odd drive in this morning. There is a pregnant woman who gets on the bus that I feel super sorry for. What?!? Sorry for a pregnant person instead of greedily envious. I’ve only seen her a few times. The first time I saw her I was sitting across from her and she chatted with her neighbours who had gotten on the bus with her. She was sharing that she just found out she was pregnant. She looked like someone close to her had just died. They noticed her moroseness about the whole thing and commented that she should be happy. She explained that she was but that her husband was not – it wasn’t what they had planned. Ummmm… ya all her fault for getting pregnant he had nothing to do with it whatsoever. Anyway, she gave a little half smile as they encouraged her and told her he would come round and not to worry about him now.

This morning they were telling her that next year she would be front and centre on Mother’s Day. Again, she looked like someone close to her was dying and I swear that after giving them all a half smile she spent the rest of the trip trying not to burst into tears. I feel so bad for her. I don’t know her from Adam and have never spoken to her just stared at her on the bus and felt bad for her. I’m the woman who at one point envied even women who had miscarried because at least they knew they were capable of pregnancy (I got over this fast!) Here I am feeling sorry for someone who is having a completely normal, healthy pregnancy (at least from what my bus watching can determine) but who is abjectly miserable because she is married to a jerk (my assumptions based on no real facts in evidence). Ah the drama of the number 22 Bus.
Now you all think I spend all my time eavesdropping on other people. Sorry, but the bus rides are long and boring (my desolate stop is the very first so it’s a long ride) and no one else gets on at my stop and my new MP3/Video player isn’t set up yet and my CD player is busted and well I’m just a despicable person. lol

Ah well I better get to that speech and my “flat” conclusion. I need to make it sing (I think my boss is around the corner – I can hear him chatting.)

How things changed and quickly

I wrote my previous post May 11th 2006. Everything changed in 24 hrs. Here is my post from May 13th.

I was having a REALLY bad week. We saw the lawyer on Tuesday and he had nothing but bad news for us. Basically he told us that we could be waiting for up to two months to bring Sam home. I spent Tuesday and Wednesday on a constant verge of tears. Work was insane. I have my second bad cold in less than 3 weeks and it was obvious I wasn't handling the stress well. I made an appointment with my family doctor for this Friday to ask her for some time off work because really I felt so AWFUL. Then last night happened.

Just when you think your load is too difficult to bear God reaches down and lifts off the heaviest log.

Last night I climbed into bed the same time Maya did cause I was feeling crappy. We have a television in the room and Claude came in to join me. We closed the door so that the television wouldn’t disturb Maya. The phone in our bedroom doesn’t ring. Around 8:30 I thought I heard a woman’s voice and muted the television so I could determine the source of the mysterious sound. It had stopped. I chalked it up to background TV noise. Around 10 I hear the voice again – figured it out in time that time. It was our answering machine downstairs picking up because we hadn’t heard the phone. It was Sam’s adoption agency.

They had a meeting with the Children’s Aid yesterday. Sam’s grandmother isn’t handling the strain of this any better than we are. She insisted that things get moving. The CAS caved. They are going to appoint us “provisional foster parents” (I have no idea how they just wave a magic wand and make this happen) so that we can provide “respite care” for J*. We will fly to **** on Tuesday for 8 days and will get to celebrate his first birthday with him on Wednesday. :smile Also, the social worker’s neighbour has left for 2 months and the social worker is watching their house. The neighbour offered that any guests she had could stay there so the social worker has offered us this three bedroom house to stay in while we are there – no hotel! They’ve decided that we will arrange it so that Sam can spend a few nights with us while we are there (so we can be seen as providing real respite care; whatever I get to spend the night with my son :smile). I’m so excited. We’ve already got our plane tickets. All that there is left to do is pack. After we have spent a week in Thunder Bay we will come home and Sam and his grandmother will come up to Ottawa about a week later. So much to do. So little time. Ain’t it great?

I always tell people waiting to be matched not to give into the frustration of it all because it all can change so very quickly. I'm not good at heeding my own advice.

Yesterday, my little boy - looking like a surfer dude - was giggling and laughing in the back seat of the car as we played a modified version of peek-a-boo. I always talk about Sam's temper because it's so hard to deal with. I should talk more about his sense of humour because he can be so amazingly fun. He's a little comedian. He laughs at his own jokes and is just so darn cute. Sigh. Can't believe it's been a year.

Last May I Wrote the Following

Things on the adoption front aren’t going well (they aren’t falling apart they are just moving at the speed of glaciers).

Monday, I got an e-mail from the adoption agency with Sam social history. What he is doing, what he likes etc., essentially a paper picture of our little boy. We're missing soooooo much; he's such a great little kid. He's not walking yet but he's getting there. He cries if you meet him and don't acknowledge his presence. He needs to be spoken too. :lol It made me all excited reading about him.

Then yesterday came. We met with our lawyer to sign paperwork etc. The social worker had explained to us that we would have to wait about 30 days to start visiting. The lawyer had a different tale. He says he needs the following:

1) aprox. 10 days to serve the birthfather
2) 20 days for the birthfather to respond.
3) A court date to be set
4) 30 days following the court date for the appeal process.

Okay, I sat in his office and quietly freaked. Took all my effort not to burst into tears right then.

EVERYTIME we speak to someone about this adoption they tack 30 days on our wait. So I went home and wrote an e-mail to the adoption agency. Before we even started this process we asked – will this be a legally at risk adoption and were assured that the birthfather was out of the picture and that this should move smoothly. I KNEW I wasn’t cut out for this kind of stress, which is why we asked. Had I known what I know now back in April, we wouldn’t have proceeded on this adoption. As I told our social worker last night when she called to calm us down – we could have gone to the US and adopted a newborn but we didn’t because of costs. This adoption will cost more than that would have easily AND we have all this added stress and heartache.

Anyway, it seems that the lawyer MAY have overstated things some. The adoption agency BELIEVES that the Children’s Aid (I HATE the Children’s Aid, bunch of incompetent boobs!) MAY give us the go ahead to begin visiting once we have a court date which means mid-June sometime. Then again it could just as easily drag on through July (they didn’t say that but come on the first date they gave us was April 12th!) So I’m a little discombobulated and pretty much on the constant verge of tears. To make matters worse I’m sick (with a cold) AGAIN. I barely got over my last cold (I only stopped coughing about 4 days ago) and now I’m sick again. I think I may go see my doctor and take a week of sick leave to just unwind a little.

Packages in the Mail, birthdays, and various other things

So work has been quite busy but now not so much. To be honest, I’ve done about 5 minutes of real work today and I’m not shirking, that’s how much there was to do. It will likely be like this until Monday or perhaps even longer than that. Such is the life of a speechwriter. If no one is giving speeches … A colleague of mine and I were chatting and she was telling me that freelance speechwriters command really high fees (compared to my daily salary) but the downside is that when we are quiet so are they, the difference being that they don’t get paid over that quiet time. I like getting paid. Lol

This week, I mailed off 3 special packages. I’m feeling kind of proud of them although I didn’t do the hard part – all I did was make pretty covers and mail them. They are DVDs of the kids (different DVDs for each kid) highlighting the last year. The include pictures and little home movies, set to music (it’s nice to have a professional broadcast editor as a husband sometimes :)). They are our Mother’s Day presents to Sam and Kamryn’s birthmothers and Sam’s grandmother. I wasn’t going to send Sam’s grandmother one for Mother’s Day (I don’t know what I was thinking) because she is coming up to see him in a week and a half or so but I went to buy Mother’s Day cards yesterday and realized how stupid an idea waiting was.

We are still at odds with Sam’s birthmother over his name. She writes us e-mails quite often and always refers to him with his original name (it’s now his middle name). I never say anything because I don’t want to upset her. Still… it grates. It’s been a year now and well – his name is changed! I did note that she just used his initial on his birthday card, which I guess I appreciate. We chose his name based on the fact that his birthfamily didn’t use his given name and instead tended to call him by the initial. We stuck with the same initial. Otherwise his name really would have been “Sam.” Anyway, Daniel went through great lengths in editing the video (he was up until 3 am on Sunday night!) to remove all mention of his name in our home movies. Sweet of him except he didn’t tell me he had done that until yesterday (I mailed his birthmother’s copy yesterday morning). I made up little CD covers which I titled “A Journey Through my Second Year” and signed “Love Sam.” Ah well…

We are coming up on the anniversary of everything finally coming together for his adoption. This time last year I was absolutely miserable. Crying everyday miserable because things kept getting worse and worse. Today, I mailed the payment for our last bill to his adoption agency. His paperwork to finalize the adoption has been filed with the courts and we are just waiting for confirmation in the mail that that adoption has been finalized (we have no idea when it will actually happen but it should be any day now). After almost 5 years, we are finally done with attorneys, and adoption agencies, and social workers. Feels kind of odd. The tremendous bureaucracy of the adoption process has taken so much of our life up for so long; it’s hard to leave it behind. It’s a welcome load to put down though.

I’m busy planning for Sam’s second birthday party for the May long weekend. I so hope the weather is nice. We are getting (hopefully if my neighbour comes through) a bouncy house that the biggest problem will be getting Sam to share with his guests. Lol I’ve decided to go with a Finding Nemo theme (having learnt nothing from attempting to do the same thing last year for Kamryn’s birthday). He carries a little Nemo or Dory toy around wherever he goes, though; it’s definitely a favorite. The toys are actually remnants from Kamryn’s birthday cake last year. What the party will likely be (after I search everywhere and find nothing Nemo and Dory related) a party with blue and orange streamers, a Nemo cake and … well that would be it. Not that he will care. We will have a family party the following day. For that I will get a Buzz Lightening cake, another Sam Favorite. We are going to have a lot of cake.

My birthday precedes Sam’s. I didn’t think we would celebrate since it’s the day after Mother’s Day but Daniel is insisting on taking the day off work and taking me out for dinner and a movie (none of the good movies will have been released yet since my birthday is too early in May ah well). I told him that I was just flattered that he plans to do this and that it’s the thought that counts and he can work if he wants to but he is insisting. Pretty funny, I would be annoyed had he done otherwise, but now that he has I’m soooooo fine with him not doing it. Am I making any sense? Daniel’s birthday follows Sam’s (3 birthdays in 6 days) but he’s going to have to share his celebrating with Sam since his birthday is on one of Sam’s party days. Sam’s grandmother is supposed to join us for one of the parties. Don’t know which yet. Did I mention there’s going to be a ton of cake? Lol

Okay more from me later this week. I’ve been reading my journal entries from last year this time. It’s a little bizarre. Kind of like reading a book after you already know there will be a happy ending. You just want to yell at the characters – just you wait, exciting stuff will happen in chapter 2.

Locked Out.

Okay, I can’t open my filing cabinet. Ugh! This isn’t a new thing. This happens pretty much EVERY morning. As I mentioned, I come into work early so that I can leave “early.” So I’m the first one in in the morning, which is good, as no one has to see me wrestle unsuccessfully with the stupid lock every morning.

It’s a big complicated padlock – the consequence of having “Secret” documents (of which I currently have only one! Not much call for speeches with Secret content lol) and having access to our “Secret” computer system which has a removable hard drive that I must lock up each night. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong with the stupid lock, I turn it and turn it and turn it some more and then it opens and I’m happy but can I remember exactly what I did so that I can do it again the next day. Uh Unhn. Generally I’ve tried so many times by the time I eventually get it open that I’ve forgotten what I did and so the next day the process begins again. I should be better at this I’ve been opening the same version of this lock for almost 12 years now. I suck.

Anyway, I’ve found when things get really rough with the lock it’s best to take a break and try again in a few minutes. Until I get the lock open I can’t do any work because I need the stupid hard drive. Sigh. So I figured I might as well post to my blog – I told you guys you would get bored with me quick.

I have a couple of unrelated cute kids things to record and there is no better time than the present. First off – Kamryn. Kamryn and a neighbourhood boy had the CUTEST conversation, from a Mom’s perspective on Sunday. Curtis is a year older than Kamryn.

Kamryn: (Eyes wide as saucers) Are those Spider Man Shoes!?!
Curtis: Yes and when I stomp my foot the light up.
Kamryn: Wow! (Proudly) I have Pink and Red shoes.
Curtis: (Honestly interested) Do the light up?
Kamryn: I don’t know.

Curtis then lifts Kamryn’s foot (they were sitting on the steps together) and pounds it on the ground.

Curtis: (Perplexed) They don’t… Weird.

No one else (i.e. adult) saw this exchange but me. It was just hilarious to me. They were so engrossed in their little conversation. Can you imagine meeting a guy in a bar with those lines. Lol

Next, the cutest thing about Sam. Sam is a VERY cuddly, loving kid despite the tantrums. He likes to snuggle if you get him in the right mood, which is something Kamryn was never really into. The BEST thing though and the cutest is when he gives you a hug (and he’s always happy to hand those out) he accents it with an “Awwwwww….” It’s to cute and I’m guessing it’s because that’s what we used to say when he first started giving hugs so he thinks it’s part of the whole hug experience. I’m not going to tell him otherwise. :)
Finally, a cute Kamryn story from this morning. Probably only cute to her mother but it made me smile and I wanted to record it. A few weeks back – desperate for some sleep – I assuaged an awake and active Kamryn by setting her up downstairs in our family room, in front of Saturday morning TV, with her cereal and yogurt (standard breakfast fare) while I slunk back to bed. This has become an occasional “treat” although Kamryn would like to eat breakfast like that every morning. She asks pretty much every morning and pretty much every morning we say no. This morning as I was rushing around getting dressed for work she came into our room. I told her to go downstairs and play and I would come down to give her breakfast in a second. I get downstairs and she is sitting in the family room with her place set in front of her – placemat, spoon, bowl and a huge box of cereal with this big grin on her face. It was all I could do not to bust a gut. She’s just too cute sometimes. How can I argue with that?

Okay, no more stories – swimming news. I called the pool and it turns out that there was a computer error and the class is oversubscribed; however, only by one kid. Nevertheless, there are three three-year olds and the coordinator did acknowledge that that poses a specific challenge. Next class the head lifeguard will join the class to help supervise the kids. That helps soothe my worries. Tricia, there are Mommy and Me classes through age 3 but Kamryn has outgrown them ability wise. She completed level I of the preschool classes in the fall and is now on to level II so going back isn’t really an option, she would be bored. Things should be better next class though.

I feel a little bad for Sam. He should be taking swimming lessons to but:

1) I hate swimming. Well not really I just hate the hassle of getting showered and changed afterwards in a public pool. If the pool was in my backyard I’d likely be there daily. I have to go in with him and that’s a pain.
2) Sam’s behavior in swimming class is erratic. Some days he loves it; others, not so much. The not so much days are really hard. Holding a squirming uncooperative kid in a pool so he doesn’t drown can be difficult. (We did swimming last fall and last winter). On the days that he is into it, he’s quite a “talented” little swimmer (for a 2 year old). This kid has coordination that boggles the mind! He leaves Kamryn in the dust.
3) I can’t count on Daniel being around to help because of his work schedule and juggling both kids in activities is just too much for me. Kamryn is more independent so easier to handle. Whatever she is doing my biggest job is to watch and look proud – lazy mommy likes that.

Regardless, I feel guilty that he isn’t doing lessons of some sort to. In the fall I will have to sign him up for something ball related, if I dare. lol He is so very obsessed with anything spherical that it’s a big production to get him to let go once he has a ball; sharing is not his strong suit but maybe in the fall when he is older. Maybe swimming then too. He isn’t afraid of the water (or at least he wasn’t this winter.) I would like to encourage that and I’m afraid that too much time away might make him skittish of course (and I forget this) we will likely get some swimming in this summer so that should keep him “in the groove”.

Okay, I got the )(*@)$&#*(^$* lock open. Only took 15 or so tries.

Swimming

Kamryn started swimming lessons on Saturday. Kamryn unlike a lot of kids her age LOVES the water. She loves to swim and has no fear whatsoever. This isn’t a good thing because she can’t swim! A little fear would go far in preserving her life. Sigh. There are too many kids in the class in my opinion – six. Six little kids, none of whom know the slightest thing about staying a float. None of whom have any sense. Kamryn is one of the youngest and one of the shortest. This is significant because the class is held in a kiddy pool of sorts. The water in the shallow end is about 3 feet deep. Kamryn is just a little over three feet tall. See the problem. The water gets rapidly deeper (to about 4 ½ feet I think). Kamryn has a bout 4 feet of wiggle room until she can’t bounce off the bottom and surface easily. Not a lot. Kamryn doesn’t listen.

There are four other classes going on at the same time so it’s a hectic place. I spent the entire class with my eyes glued on Kamryn because I was waiting for her to get into difficulty which she did about 20 minutes into the class. Poor instructor is trying to watch all these kids AND teach them to swim. Kamryn just bounced outside her safety zone and he didn’t notice. We (me and another parent who panicked at the same time I did) had to yell at him to get him to turn around and “save” Kamryn.

I don’t know what to do. I want her to take this swimming class. She is unlikely to drown if I watch her carefully during the class but I feel I should say something to the centre about maybe adding another teacher. I don’t think they will add another teacher – I’m sure they are doing what regulations tell them they must and they are unlikely to do more. I think though if I can call and complain about a ballet class I can probably call and complain about this. This has the potential to be dangerous. I’m becoming one of “those” parents. Ah well. Lol

Of Wonderful Weather and Stay-At-Home-Momhood

We spent the entire weekend outdoors. It was amazing. Can’t believe it’s only May 1st. Seriously it was like a LATE June weekend. Saturday, the kids played out on the front lawn all day. Neighbours were out. It was just relaxing. Sunday we ended up at the park with the neighbour kids and then home for a nap and then we had a neighbourhood impromptu barbecue. My immediate neighbour, who has two kids (9 months and 3 years) said to me on Sunday – it’s so much easier to do this (i.e. hang out all day alone, sans husband, with other moms around.) Oh how true that is (Daniel worked all weekend). The time really flies when you have another adult around. You don’t even need to be chatting it’s just having another adult about. The kids help entertain each other and you have another set of eyes to help you out. It made a weekend I was kind of dreading (nice weather, no partner) so much nicer.

On Sunday when we first went out (after shopping), I looked at my watch and say that it was 11:30 and actually said in my head – okay only 25 minutes and then I can feed them lunch. They had so much fun at the park with the other kids and I was content with Mommy company that lunch didn’t happen until 12:30. The time flew and we only went in because the other kids were getting tired and cranky.

Daniel is supposed to be off this entire week (he is working Saturday I think). It’s so comfortable having him home. It makes me relax. I shouldn’t though because it always changes and I get disappointed but for now the week has begun with my being relaxed and that’s nice.

I had a dream last night that someone called to attack me about cheating my kids because I wasn’t a stay-at-home Mom. Odd because I’ve never really felt that way. Maybe my self-concious is working though things?

My kids come before work ALWAYS (i.e. I get up super early to make it into work early so that I can get home early in the afternoon to be with the kids; I refuse non-essential travel; I’ve “mommy-tracked” my career a wee bit because my family is my priority) but I’ve never felt they were missing out because I’m a working Mom. Moreover, I’m proud of the example I’m setting for both of them that Mom can be the breadwinner. It doesn’t have to be Daddy. Mom can get an education. Mom can have a good job. Kamryn called to me as I left this morning (after we’d already said our goodbyes) “have fun, Maman.” Made me smile. Except for the fact that any kid would be bored to tears job shadowing me I would be so proud to bring her to work in a couple of years on those “bring a kid for work days.” I’m thinking it would be much more fun to run around a TV station with her father. Still she will know that gender roles are not graven in stone. I like that AND my kids have an amazing relationship with their father and I like that too.

On a good work related note - after a harrowing Friday at work (the Minister must have changed his mind 8 times in 48 hours) - I completed my first real/important speech. Tonight, I hope to watch it delivered in the House of Commons. I'm very proud of myself. :)

Parlez-Vous Anglais?

So one of my neighbours asked me on the weekend if Sam spoke English. Too funny. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I was home with him this crucial year of language acquisition and I know what that specific year meant to Kamryn (a year with my parents and she was jabbering away in English). Maybe it’s because I worried that since he had very little French exposure as an infant he was going to be at a disadvantage. Maybe because he seemed to be having language problems. Whatever the reason I almost exclusively speak French to him. I speak English to Kamryn. It’s just Sam that I’ve gotten into the habit of speaking to this way. Consequently (or maybe despite of) he speaks much MORE French that Kamryn did at the comparable age. On the other hard, it’s also possible that that’s the reason I do it. Dunno.

We’re in a window that with both kids that is about to close with Kamryn, I think (once she starts school). That time where they don’t realize that speaking French is “wrong.” I say wrong because that is what happens here. Kids go to school (and in many cases this happens before school even) and discover the wide world of English and resent speaking French. It’s seen somehow as second best. My boss’s kid told him one day – “don’t speak French; speak Canadian.” Ouch! I have two neighbours with little boys around Kamryn’s age (one 7 weeks older, one 6 months younger) and both kids see speaking French as a chore (they both have one francophone parent in the family like our household but didn’t, like we did, teach their child French from infancy. Both started around their third birthdays.). Right now, Kamryn still sees it as a privilege. I’m not looking forward to the uphill slog that is coming when she doesn’t want to speak it anymore. I already have to work to make sure she speaks French instead of English to Sam.

Today Daniel has to register both kids for summer camp. They will hopefully go two mornings a week. It should help Sam’s language skills immensely (fingers crossed) and hopefully his behavior as well. Both things worry me. When Kamryn started preschool she was 6 months older than he is now. We impressed upon her that they only speak French at preschool (BIG RULE!) and she got it relatively easily. She had an early and somewhat remarkable talent to differentiate between the two languages (many bilingual kids don’t figure this out until much much later). I don’t think Sam differentiates at all (perhaps this is my fault for not speaking more English to him). He finds a word and he uses it – whichever is more convenient. On the other hand he doesn’t use a lot of English words: Go, Car, milk, dog, horse …. Okay those are the only ones I can think of off the top of my head so I’m probably worrying for nothing. Lol His behavior worries me immensely.

1. He is completely incapable of sharing not horribly unusual for a kid his age I guess although it wasn’t a big problem with Kamryn.
2. He is incapable of being distracted.
3. He melts down whenever he doesn’t get his way (see point 1 and 2).
4. Oh and he likes to hit and bash other children with whatever he happens to have in his hand. (see point 1 and 2 and 3!)

Ughhhh…. He is going to be the youngest in the class too. Don’t know if he’ll last the summer before they boot him out and I need him to not only last the summer but continue in the fall. This will be stressful for me anyways. If he makes it, it will be so good for him. Oh please.

So I'm annoyed

Am I overreacting?

Kamryn is enrolled in a “pre-ballet” class run by the city (so it’s cheap!). It’s not dance studio quality but we don’t expect that; she’s never going to be a prima ballerina. I just wanted a programme to channel some of her energy and for her to have fun. It meets that criteria and best of all is held at the community centre a 3-minute walk from our house. This is the third session she has been enrolled in. Last night was their fourth class. Both sessions prior to this one had an enrollment of at least 8 students. This particular class only had 5, two of the students (sisters) had only come to the first class.

I raced home from work (I leave early on Tuesdays to get her there one time). We shoveled her dinner into her, hurriedly changed her clothes and literally ran the whole way to the community centre for the class. We get there and their instructor, Jessica, is standing in the hall waiting to great us. She informs us that if the two little girls who hadn’t been coming didn’t show this evening that she wasn’t authorized to teach the class and that the class would be cancelled (the other two students who had been coming did show). Class is supposed to start at 6. So we stand around waiting (and complaining to Jessica, who didn’t make this cockamamie decision) until 6:10. Just before we are about to pack it in the two little girls and their mother arrive late. Well bubblecakes!

1) These kids are registered in the course. They have paid their money, what does it matter that they don’t come to the classes!
2) Doesn’t the class coordinator have a phone? Couldn’t he have called and warned us of this possibility? Has he ever had to tell a three-year old that was looking forward to something that they couldn’t do it?
3) Couldn’t he have contacted the missing kid's parents in the 7 intervening days between the last class and last night's class and maybe NOT made the decision at the last freaking moment. (Parent of the girls tells us she had a message left on her answering machine about their attendance the same day as the class; now she could have been lying but I don’t think so).

Anyway, I wasn’t going to call and complain because what good will it do – but I got myself all worked up and have now left a message for the coordinator to call me back (my experience is that I will likely have to call him back! Grrrrr!). Would you let it slide? Do I need to take a valium?

Oops one last thing before I go and earn my salary.

Easter.

I forgot all about Easter. We had a good Easter. All four of us went to Church. I was dreading this. We have been avoiding Church for months because it is always awful. I don’t know if it was the crowds our timing or that he’s just getting older but Sam was tolerable, even “good” throughout mass. Yes we had to leave a couple of times but I think that is pretty normal with a child his age. There was a minimal of yelling and I actually got to participate in most of the mass. Kamryn was exceptionally well behaved (for Kamryn anyways). I was proud of them both. We had a quiet Easter spent with family. The Easter bunny came after mass and brought the kids a tasteful amount of “stuff” with an emphasis on “stuff” rather than candy. The kids loved their baskets. We had dinner at my parents house and everyone had a great time. Here is a picture we snapped before we charged off to Church:

So have I mentioned I'm back to work. lol

So I’m back to work. I had a dream of sorts realized – of sorts – I’m a writer. Not the kind of writer I dream of being. I have this romantic notion of being an OpEd writer for a major newspaper and well that ship has sailed and I wasn’t on it. I didn’t even make it to the dock to see it disappear off the horizon. This is a close 43rd though so I’ll settle for it . I’m a speechwriter.

My real live job title is “Policy Development Officer.” I’m one of about 100. In order to keep us current on relevant every two or three year they move us around to do different things. In my last position I was one of 3 civilians policy officers working on NATO policy. I was responsible for our bilateral Defence relations with Easter Europe. I was responsible to foreign military training in Canada and I handled out Afghanistan deployment file as part of a larger team. All operational, pointy end stuff. This is my first foray, within my ten-year career, into the public policy side of the house. I didn’t know what I would be doing until a few days before I came in. I was mildly surprised to learn yesterday that this isn’t the most popular of postings. It has such great potential for career advancement. You get face-to-face time with senior staff on a regular basis (4 or us write speeches for the Minister of Defence, the Chief of Defence and the Deputy Minister of Defence with the odd Member of Parliament thrown in for good measure), you are allowed to escape bureaucratic speak and really right real stuff and best of all – it’s a portable skill. For the first time since I started working her I have an exportable skill. Not much call for defence policy advisors in the public sector. Anyways, I’m happy.

It had looked that I might be able to duck travel in this job as well but we had a big meeting yesterday and one of the things discussed was getting us out into the world more so that we are writing about experiences rather than things we have read about. So it looks like there will be some travel involved mostly in the summer months when speeches dwindle. I like the idea of experiencing things though – I would really love to fly in a CF-18. Don’t think that’s going to happen though. Lol

My office is adorned with pictures of the kids and is sooooooo quiet it’s hard to believe. I haven’t had to tell even one of my colleagues to stop biting one another or not to throw food even once. And no one naps here (so not everything is wonderful). The kids seem to have adjust well although Kamryn asked me all weekend why I wasn’t at work. She is very interested in my schedule but she’s a schedule obsessed kind of person – “where are we going today Maman” being a constant question. Sam is a little more huggy – that I will take any day – but apart from that doesn’t seem to have suffered any ill effects. I think this might be good for both of us. When Daniel isn’t home both kids go to my parents for the day. So far, so good. We’ll see how that works. I have Sam on a waiting list for daycare (he has been since February) because I’m not certain my poor mother can handle him full time but we’ll see.

Okay I’m going to do some actual work now.

Meltdowns (maybe I should have a couple)

Okay as you may have gathered, I am back to work. VERY different than when I returned to work after Kamryn. I was so looking forward to returning. When I went back after Kamryn, that first week, whenever anyone asked how it was it was all I could do not to burst into tears having left my baby behind. This time, I was apprehensive about how I was going to handle things (so far it’s not going too badly) but the break is nice. Staying home with two kids under 4 is really hard especially when one of them is particularly demanding.

Yesterday I went back to read the journal entry on the first day we brought Sam home. It made me feel so much better – I’ll reprint part of it here.

So Sam arrived on 6th at around 2 in the afternoon. It was awful day. He cried and cried and cried some more. It was HOT! He was tired having missed his afternoon nap and apparently not eaten much of anything on the drive up (I have no idea why they didn't feed him). The house was filled with confusion and people. If I were a year old I would have melted down to. We gave him and Kamryn a bath together supposedly because he loved baths. He screamed through the whole thing but went down to bed all right. Ugh! His grandmother actually told the social worker as she drove her to the place she was spending the night that she was afraid we'd change our minds because he was crying so much (no real chance of that happening.

I was worrying that maybe we have some how damaged him. He is so happy and funny and enjoyable to be with when he is engaged in an activity that he enjoys but if you interrupt that activity either because it time to do something else (eat, sleep, go somewhere) or the activity is a danger to his life he completely melts down and is uncontrollable. He screams and cries and screams and cries and screams and cries some more. He is inconsolable and you can’t distract him with something else (i.e. If you give him a toy he will throw it at you with all the force he can muster). I kept asking myself if this was a behavior we have taught him. I know it’s just who he is and I know he has always been like this but it’s hard not to question yourself. It was such a relief to see what I wrote that first week we had him. I now understand what I was seeing then a little better. Yes it was the situation but to a large extent it was just HIM. He has gotten better but it’s so hard.

On Sunday, Daniel was working and it was pouring rain out so we drove Daniel to work and then I took the kids to the mall. The mall wasn’t opened yet so I figured we’d just take a little walk. I let Sam out of his stroller. I shouldn’t have. He does so much better with strict boundaries/controls but how’s he ever going to get any exercise if I keep him tied down. He is running and playing with Kamryn. The first store ride they see they are all over. I let them play for awhile as we aren’t really there for any reason but to let them do just that. After awhile, as I see Sam start to spiral into overexcitedness I move them along. They are good until the next set of mall rides. I let them play again. Sam starts to ramp up and he’s getting more and more kinetic. He’s bouncing from one ride to the next, not staying on any one (there were a cluster of 4) for longer than 10 seconds. I was getting tired of helping him up and then helping him down two seconds later. And it was almost like he was approaching an fit of agitation. So we moved on.

We walked for a few metres, I was holding his hand in an attempt to reign him in. He didn’t want to hold my hand and started crying and pulling away. Then he pretended he wanted to hold the stroller (this boy of mine is SMART!) So I let him hold the stroller. He holds the handle for about a second and a half and then he gets this little grin and bolts. Stupid mommy let him do this twice before I put him in the stroller. Total meltdown now. Screaming, crying, yelling at the top of his little lungs “Maman, march” (Mommy, walk) as if I’m torturing him. This is all my fault. Sigh. Had I left him in the stroller to start off with he would likely have remained calm but no I had to let him walk and play. No we’re not making a spectacle of ourselves at all. lol I’m not letting him out of the stroller because I know what he will do. He will bolt again. He doesn’t really learn. So we walk the indomitable length of the mall with him screaming and everyone staring at us. I go down to the parking garage (he’s still screaming). I put him in his car seat (still screaming) and I leave the stroller next to the car and go and sit on a bench in front of the car with Kamryn while he continues to scream. This man comes out of the mall, hears Sam screaming though the closed and locked car. Looks at the stroller, peers though our tinted windows at the screaming child and finally turns around and sees me – I told him he’s mine and I know he is screaming. Man says nothing and just walks away. Sigh. Now I’m really feeling like Bad Mommy #1. It’s what he needs though. I go and have a pointless “conversation” with him as he sobs about behaving and sitting in his stroller (I do it because I just can’t give in but you have to give in because he will simply scream until he falls asleep). I tell him that if he stops screaming he can get back to the mall. He stops – kind of. The whole incident from first scream to last – 40 minutes. In a PUCLIC PLACE (we would have just gone home except Kamryn doesn’t deserve to be punished just because her brother is out of control). Ugh! I put him in his stroller and he is FINE for the remainder of the morning. Shopped, took them to the mall’s indoor park etc. When it was time to leave the park he did so happily and without protest. I don’t get it.

We went out to a friend's for dinner that evening. He was destroying the people’s house (and they have two kids of their own so it’s pretty much child proofed) so I take him and make him sit on my lap – more screaming, kicking, and fighting. It was embarrassing. Thankfully Daniel (who was coming late as he was working) called at that moment and I excused myself to go and pick Daniel up at the bus station. I took the little “tornado” (as our host called him and she was right!) with me because taking him out of the situation was the only way to break the tantrum. He screamed throughout the 5 minute drive to the bus station and then was somewhat out of control for the remainder of the evening but Daniel was their to tag team with me so it was easier. That’s a typical day with Sam.
He does better with Daniel. I’m easier to manipulate maybe? Not to say he doesn’t melt down but his meltdowns have a beginning, a middle, and an end. With me the end never seems to come. He just screams and screams. Sigh. Work gives me a respite and it’s easier to deal with his challenges this way.

Daniel has been working weekends of late and having his “weekend” in the middle of the week (this sucks IMHO as we are never off together but is better for the kids so we persevere). It should be interesting to see if his behavior changes spending time with his father rather than me being around all the time.