Can't a mom even poop in peace?

So I REALLY had to go to the bathroom. I put on a TV show both kids like. I closed the gate, told Kamryn where I was going and headed to the powder room.
No sooner do I sit down than Kamryn let's out this bloodcurdling scream. Through the sobbing she is yelling about Sam hitting her with a chair. So my mind runs through the possibilities. In the family room they have two folding kids chairs (metal), two folding lounge chairs (metal and upholstered), and a wooden kids Ikea chair. Good grief. Well I'm figuring he isn't that big how much damage could he have done. Still...

Then she goes on to continue screaming (and I'm talking loud, like she is being eaten by lions) about how he going to hit her again. More screaming and wailing. So no choice. End early and race to the family room where I see Kamryn lying on the couch, cowering from Sam who is weilding a doll chair. Well... that could hurt but really she is plenty big enough to get away from him or simply TAKE the chair from him. To be honest I just wanted to tell her to hit him back (sometimes he deserves it I think; she is soooooo good at NEVER hitting him back and he just wails on her) but that's not really responsible parenting .

Sam ended up in baby jail (read our pack and play) and Kamryn was exiled to her room for obsessive dramatics.

The photo is of my calm duo and their tools of destruction, Sam is weilding his offending weapon:

Oops forgot to write. My apologies.

A little bird (or 2!) sent me a note and reminded me that I had not written in awhile. To be honest (and I apologize) I hadn’t noticed. So then I thought well it’s because nothing interesting has happened and then I thought well maybe sooooommme interesting things have happened it just never occurred to me to write about them here. Big things happened today though. More on that later. (This is kind of like the teaser they give you at the beginning of a news broadcast. You won’t hear anymore until 2 minutes before the end. ;))

It’s been quite a month. I had been feeling really guilty for the longest while because since we left Thunder Bay in May we had had no contact whatsoever with Sam’s birthmother. His grandmother (I’m not going to use “birth bla bla bla here cause it just gets cumbersome when used for relatives other than his birthparents) calls regularly. She had visited as well as his step grandfather and aunt and cousin. We had sent e-mails and pictures to his grandmother, his step grandfather, his grandmother’s friend, our social workers etc. etc. etc. but his birthmother was lost for awhile and then when she was “found” it took us a awhile to get any contact information on her. Finally, I got some info on her from her mother and the mother must have spoken to her as well because last week she called! She only has my cell number, we let it ring and then called her back (blocked our number) on our land line. Daniel spoke to her because I’m just not a good phone person (don’t speak to my own family on the phone!) but it was just good to have contact with her. The next day we exchanged a whack of e-mails and I sent her some pictures. Now I have an e-mail address for her etc. so we can keep in regular contact.

The e-mails really brought home the difficulties this young girl is dealing with. She is brain injured and only attended school until grade 5. So different reading an e-mail from her rather than Kamryn’s birthmother. Very sad.

Okay now that we are all down in the dumps let’s change tracks.

A couple of years ago, a neighbour of mine told me of a new school in the community. It was a francophone Catholic school in the “Montessori tradition” (it’s not true Montessori but it’s very close). It’s a publicly funded school but VERY different from our neighbourhood school. She thought we might be interested in putting Kamryn on the waiting list. I set out to find out more information but couldn’t find anything. It sat on the back burner of my mind for awhile and then got lost in the shuffle. We have to register Kamryn for school next month and in trying to find information on registering her I ”found” “the School.” I was soooo very bummed because now there is little chance of Kamryn getting in having wasted two school years NOT on the waiting list. Still I e-mailed for information and since it costs nothing to sit on the list I figured what the heck.

The Director of the school nevertheless contacted us and wanted to tell us about the school personally. That got me all excited but she ended the conversation by telling us that if Kamryn didn’t get in there was always her neighbourhood school that is very good. Sigh. Hopes dashed. To be honest though before I knew for sure this “super-school” existed I was thrilled with the school she will likely attend. We put both Kamryn and Sam on the waiting list regardless and I tried to push it from my mind (that’s not to say that I didn’t plan which pieces of uniform attire I should purchase for her lol).

So I’m busy pushing it from my mind and yesterday they call to invite us on a tour of the school. What the heck?!? So now my hopes are up again except Daniel explained (he talked to them; remember I don’t do phone calls) they also want us to fill out paperwork for both kids. Does that mean they really just need us to fill out waiting list paperwork? I’m hoping that the waiting list can’t be all that long if we are getting a tour of the school. Seems like a waste of time to me if she doesn’t have a chance of getting in. I’m hoping it’s a case like Grad School where they FORGOT to tell me about my scholarship/TAship until I went to the school to visit about a month before school started. Maybe she is already in (I doubt that’s the case but that didn’t stop me looking at “school shoes” (ones that fit the uniform code) while out shopping today. We go for a visit on Feb 8th. Hopefully we will impresss them enough to gain admission. It’s a really small school (130 students in Jr Kindergarten though Grade 6) so even a few people on the waiting list makes admission unlikely. Cross your fingers for us.

Okay back to more somber stuff.

We took Sam to have his language screened last Friday. He's not startlingly behind but to me he always sounds like he is talking with a mouth full of marbles.I'm not horribly worried. He's talking; he's just not progressing. The words that he had 6 months ago that we could barely make out are still almost impossible to understand. Instead of saying whole words he says the first syllable only. He's just kind of in a rut and because of his "history" we've paid a lot of attention to his language acquisition. My thoughts going to the drop-in were that I just wanted someone else to tell me that he wasn't lagging (he was right on where he should be in June when he came home) but it's been a nagging thought in my head that he wasn't "going" anywhere for a few months now. At his 18 month appt. the doctor suggested we get his hearing tested and I told her we would wait and see. Lately though the half words and the grunting (he does alot of pointing and grunting) have really been getting to me so we went to the drop in. It's a prescreening that they do for no charge (well it's covered by government health insurance) and then if necessary you get sent on to a more involved evaluation. I expected her to say "oh he's fine"; don't worry." But no, she saw definite delays. We'll see what comes of the real evaluation. Could very well be that this is just a huge waste of time. Waiting lists are huge though. He won't get a real evaluation before June (we'll have an info session and consultation on how to best work to encourage his language in March sometime). If he needs services we're looking at September or something silly like that. Ugh!In the meantime, we have an appointment to get his hearing checked in March. Don't think there is anything wrong with his hearing though; his receptive language is awe inspiring (I think he may listen better than Kamryn because he hasn't quite learned he can ignore me yet) but it will be one test we won't have to deal with later.

Of course, since the screening clinic he seems to be talking more and more. We are working with him more but still that doesn’t explain the increase. So I dunno. I guess we will wait for the experts to tell us whether to worry or not.

Okay the news I teased with. The final paperwork for the finalization of Sam’s adoption arrived today! We’re almost done! We have some forms to sign and get notarized and mail back to his adoption agency and then we just wait. I’m thinking his adoption could be final by spring but I don’t know. Would be nice though.

Well that’s about all the news I have.

Christmas

I opened my Christmas newsletter by telling everyone how blessed our family has been this year. Christmas was no exception. Kamryn and Sam had a wonderful time and you can’t watch kids enjoying Christmas and not have a whale of a time yourself. It really was an almost perfect holiday.

Daniel turned down all requests to work on Christmas Eve (right up until today, Dec 28th actually) to make sure he would be home with us all. My biggest complaint as a wife is I always spend holidays and times of crisis (i.e. the blackout of 2003) alone because he ALWAYS is called to work. It was so nice to have him home for the whole holiday (he normally works Christmas Eve and Boxing Day). So Christmas Eve we just hung out together. Truly, we had nothing to do. Nothing left to buy, nothing left (really) to organize. My family was scheduled to join us for a Christmas Eve reveillon but that really didn’t involve all that much preparation. It was a wonderfully warm day and there was fresh snow on the ground so after an early lunch we bundled the kids up and took them out to play in the snow. I really felt sorry for “southern” kids that they don’t get to play in snow. The neighbour (a 30-something year old little kid if there ever was one) was deeply involved with snow fort building and snowball fights on the front lawn. Kamryn joined his two girls and some other girls from the neighbourhood (it really was a girl power day). Kamryn, being the youngest, couldn’t quite keep up but she tried. In the end she decided she wanted to build a snowman, so I “helped” her and our youngest neighbour (4 ½) build a snowman. They abandoned me for more interesting pursuits before we had even put the bottom of the body in place but I made a really nice snowman on my own. Ah well.

Sam got right to work shoveling the driveway with Daniel. It’s good he’s getting the practice in now. I expect in years to come it will get hard to convince him of how much fun shoveling the driveway will be. If you put Sam down in “deep” snow he just stands there. Eventually he falls over and just lies there. Can’t say he is really impressed with it – smart boy! It’s a very effective way to slow down a little boy who NEVER stops moving. He is very happy in the driveway though and likes his shovel.

Sam and his shovel.



After naps and dinner the kids changed into jammies and we opened “birthfamily” presents (our little tradition; it’s a nice private time for us). Kamryn’s birthdad is a very generous man with no clue about children. :lol He gave Kamryn a digital camera (a real one albeit for children (8 and up!) and Sam a remote control car that we didn’t even bother taking out of the box because he would break it in an instant. There other presents (from other birthfamily members) were much more age appropriate – a Thomas the Train Lego set – that is a big hit except I’m sooooo tired of putting Thomas back together for Sam (I realized this morning that Kamryn can do it and she has been earning her big sister bonus points); Pjs and a robe for Kamryn; books etc. The kids joined in the first part of reveillon and then they were off to bed.

Sam opens a present from Nana:




Santa’s biggest Elf:



Christmas morning was wonderful. Santa left the toys for the children in the living room in front of the tree; doll paraphernalia for Kamryn who has been asking for a “carosse” (doll stroller) since October it seems, and a Little People Garage and a Dump Truck for Sam. I was a teensy bit worried there would be an argument over who the toys were for but they figured it out in an instant and while they both play with each others toys they know what belongs to who (Kamryn is at present lecturing Sam for messing up HIS Thomas the Train lego train tracks). Santa seems to have gotten things right though and there has been the least fighting this morning ever as they are too busy playing with their new toys to get in each other’s way.

Stocking unstuffing:




Kamryn models a new dress. Don’t know where she is going to wear this?!?



Kamryn helps her cousin distribute presents (Sam was asleep).



Today is the first real chance they have had to really play, as soon after opening presents we were off to Christmas Mass and then to my parents’ house to open up even more presents. It was all a little much for Sam and after opening one or two presents our little man needed to head off for his nap (he was just exhausted) so he opened his presents with Papa and Maman after everyone else. He enjoyed it just as much though. Kamryn had a ball helping to pass out presents to others and opening her own – sometimes she confused to two tasks. She had a wonderful day playing with her cousins and being spoiled, as did Sam.

Boxing Day morning we were off bright and early to Kingston to visit with our good friends on Wolfe Island. The kids got MORE presents and really enjoyed playing with Daniel (5) and Ella (3) the littlest family members. They also enjoyed a great deal more spoiling. Then it was back to Ottawa that night so that we could be here to share breakfast the next morning with Sam’s Godparents, Joe and Monica, who oddly we had just seen the day before on Wolfe Island but who had left for Ottawa to visit with Joe’s mother.

Today Daniel is back to work and the kids and I are just decompressing. Toys are being tried out and hopefully we will get the nap schedule back in order.

Wishing you all the best.

Vous souhaitant nos meilleurs voeux.

The T. Family

Look what I made. (If you click on it it gets bigger)

I'm redoing a picture book I wrote for Kamryn about her adoption. Technology has advanced beyond my original laminated pages. This will be the title page.

Weather Whines

I think like most Canadians I feel a certain pride by my ability to deal with the weather extremes we get here. In Eastern Ontario, we are lucky we REALLY get the extremes. Temperatures range yearly from –40 F (not counting windchill) to 107 F (not counting humidity and humidity is constant whether it’s hot or cold). We get snowstorms and ice storms and tornados (VERY rarely) and some impressive thunderstorms (no hurricanes thank god). So, it is not extremely hot all the time, nor is it extremely cold and I’ve never sat anxiously watching a hurricane approach but we get ALL the “normal” stuff.

I must admit that I whine as loudly as the next guy when it’s really hot BUT I feel so empowered the first time I take to the road and there is a foot of snow on the ground and it doesn’t phase me in the slightest. I smile quietly to myself as I deal with three-foot snowdrifts in the driveway and dispatch them quickly with the snow blower. Nothing makes you feel powerful like pushing around a 10 HP snow blower lol and nothing makes you feel as talented then hitting a patch of ice in the car and maintaining control of the automobile (the corollary being that nothing is more scary then losing control completely). We don’t have snow tires on our truck and it’s not four-wheel drive (we keep putting off buying snow tires cause winter hasn’t been all that bad the past two years).

I like waking up in the morning to a frigid house and feeling all warm and snuggly under the covers. I like winter camping although I haven’t done it in years. I like the cold rosy cheeks you getter spending time in the cold skating, sledding or just goofing off in the snow. I feel invulnerable when I fight my way into work; having waited in the cold for a bus bundled up like “Nanook of the North” and trudged down an icy sidewalk wondering if the feeling would ever return to my hands.

What gets me every time though is strapping an uncooperative kid into a car seat when it’s 7 F (okay I know that’s not all that cold but that just happens to be the temp today). You can’t do this with gloves on. They HAVE to come off. The kid is wearing 80 gazzillion layers so they aren’t exactly easy to get into the seat in the first place. So now you have a squishy, squirming, kid; snug car seat straps; and frozen hands. Did I mention said kid has kicked his boot and sock off so that his foot is potentially freezing as well and that your other child has taken off and is sure to be hit be a car at any moment because they aren’t being cooperative AT ALL. Ah…. Winter was easier in “bucket” days. I wish they made toddler sized buckets with special weight defying characteristics. Nope not feeling powerful, skilled or invulnerable at all today; just trying to find excuses to NEVER leave the house again or at least until May.

Okay my spirts are about to be reinvigorated. Just checked the weather forecast. Here is an excerpt:

A Major winter storm with the centre over western end of Lake Superior this morning is expected to bring heavy snowfall to regions just north of the lower Great Lakes and southeastern Ontario. The heavy snowfall has started over Windsor and Sarnia regions will reach Toronto and the Golden Horseshoe area by this evening then spread farther eastward to southeastern Ontario overnight. The heaviest snowfall is expected to occur along the Ontario Québec border Friday morning.

I can see Quebec from here.

Long time no real update

I have so much to update on and I just haven’t had the chance. I’ve been having some medical problems (unrelated to my descent into menopause) and have been to a gazillion doctors and had a trillion “procedures” in the last two weeks. I’m a little exhausted just thinking about it. It’s all a complication of a condition I’ve had for almost 20 years now and it has completely screwed up my right elbow. It’s gone from really serious to really annoying and has the potential to become moderately serious again but right now we’re happily wallowing in really annoying. :) I like annoying. Serious makes me worry. Okay enough about that – it is all intended as an excuse for my absence anyhow.

Well after 4 years I think we are finally done with social worker’s home visits. Not quite done with social workers yet as Sam’s adoption won’t be final for 6 months or so (if we are lucky) but no longer will I clean the house and bake something in anticipation of a report being written about me. All the reports are DONE! We had our last post placement visit for Sam last Friday, December 2nd. It went well as we knew it would. After working with someone for over 4 years on something as intimate as adoption, if your social worker hasn’t become a friend something is wrong.

I think back to when we were selecting a social worker to do our initial homestudy. I called all eight (staggering number) social workers in Ottawa and conducted phone interviews. I chose Carol because she was the one I thought I clicked with the best. It was a good choice. She really did well by us. She’s older and doddering and slow as molasses but you know she really cares and is doing the best she possibly can for you and for that I can over look her other foibles. I told her when she was leaving that if she ever needed us to speak at a workshop or something we would be happy to do it. I hope she takes us up on the offer. She brought up what a wealth of experience we were having done: a newborn domestic adoption, a toddler adoption, two different kinds of open adoptions, private adoption and a private adoption that involved the state and finally transracial adoption of sorts. I really do feel a little like an adoption expert now – at least in those areas. Carol is writing a book and will likely reference Sam’s adoption in it – complicated as it was. So we will likely hear from her on that too. I guess she’s not really out of our lives. We gave her a friendship ball as a little thank-you.

Other news, Kamryn’s birthfather is moving to Kenya. Sigh. He moves every few years. He’s a chef and he works for a major hotel chain so he goes where they need him. When Kamryn was born he was working in the U.A.E. then he was in Calgary and now he’s off to Kenya. I had hoped he would take another position in Canada because he’s not a Canadian citizen. He has to be in the country 3 years for that to happen and he never stays long enough. It would be a good thing for him to “take care of.” I guess this opportunity was too good for him to pass off though as it means “going home.” He’s Kenyan. He told us that we should start making vacation plans. Ummmm…. I don’t think so.

Now don’t get me wrong, a trip to Kenya would be the trip of a lifetime and we definitely plan on doing it one day but not with a 3 year old and a 1 year old. If we’re going to shell out for airfare to Kenya it’s going to be a trip that these kids remember. Our plan had been to go when Kamryn was around 10ish. He won’t be there that long but there is nothing to say he can’t go back. The company has 4 hotels there (one of which he will be responsible for opening). It will be odd having him so far away again (he’s been here since Kamryn was about a year old). I think he came back to work on his relationship with Kamryn’s birthmother. I know that relationship is over so I guess there really is nothing keeping him here. I hope he visits before he heads out. He is hoping to but it could be tough for him to coordinate.

Someone on Friends By Adoption asked what the difference was between bio and adopted kids – all this coordination and worrying about other people is the difference. It’s not all encompassing but it’s there. The kids, at the ages they are now are oblivious to it all but it’s an ongoing thing in our lives.

Okay that’s all the news that is fit to print today – must go feed the kids dinner they are getting VERY cranky.

Our First Gingerbread House

Okay the idea of doing anything creative terrifies me but Kamryn and I had fun. I think it turned out pretty good. Kamryn ate more than she decorated though. :lol

Getting started. I breathed a sigh of relief once the house was together and didn't fall apart immediately.

The finished product:

Our cookies. SHould I be embarassed that there is no descernible difference between the one I did and the one Kamryn did all by herself (I put the icing base down for her). :blush



Kamryn is VERY proud of her "dinosaur"*shrug* cookie:

Sometimes You Just Have to Listen

Sam is obsessed with two things in life: Balls and Cars. As such they were two of his first words. They were in english. Not a huge problem but we're really pushing french with him as he didn't have much french exposure before coming here. He is actually doing comparatively better than Kamryn was at his age (with me home with him he gets more french while Kamryn was with my very english parents quite a bit) but still we worry a little at how he will manage when he starts preschool next fall (I agonized over Kamryn too).

Anyway, we can't go anywhere without Sam pointing out each and every car or truck that he sees and yelling "Car!" So bad parents that we are rather than rejoicing in his burgeoning language skills we repeat endlessly "auto" (Ah- tow) and he yells back excitedly "Car! Car!" This is scene repeated each and every time we venture out of the house. So today I'm driving home and he's yelling at me "Maman! Tow! Tow! Tow!" at the top of his lungs and then I realized what he was saying and had to laugh. He'd pretty much been yelling it for 20 minutes and I just hadn't realized it. Daniel will be thrilled.

A few weeks ago I was considering having his speech tested because I was marginally concerned but in the last two weeks he's had the most noticable explosion. He's really RIGHT where he should be. I think I worry about his language mostly because we keep telling ourselves that if his language skills continue to be at or above average there is a chance that all the junk his birthmother was using didn't harm him. :(

So I'm a Menopausal Woman

I took the Lupron shot yesterday afternoon. No ill effects so far. My arm itched a bit last night. I feel the same. Guess it's only been 24 hours and I guess the worse is yet to come. I don't think I will do it again next month, simply because it's frightenly expensive and I'm thinking we will know what we need to know in two weeks (when I don't ovulate) anyways.

I'm an E-Bay Addict

It's like a new sport for me. Back in August I saw something at a consignment store that I thought I could make a profit selling on E-bay (reason being I had bought the exact same item for MUCH more than the store was selling it for shortly before I stumbled across it) so I bought it and I did make a profit (not as much as I would have liked but it was worth my while). The stress of waiting to break-even almost killed me though; so I’ve abandoned that practice.

Last week we started clearing out our basement and I waded back into E-bay territory. They had a 10 cent listing day for Canadians on Monday and that prompted me to get off my keister and list a couple of things (my old/"like new" breastpump and the "breast bottles" that Kamryn summarily rejected as a newborn). Okay, I check my listing 80 gazzillion times a day watching it "grow" and hoping for questions. I watch other similar auctions like a hawk, as if it's a race. I stalk my bidders to see if they are bidding in the other auctions. I make little comments to myself or Daniel on those I think have shown their hands too early. Why do people bid on day 2 of an auction that is going to go 7 days. Are they saving their place in line? Or perhaps they are reassuring me that they care. I need that reassurance so I guess it’s good that they do it. :)

I feel bad for people auctioning items that I think are better than mine and that aren't being bid on. Daniel says I shouldn't feel bad for being better at "marketing" my stuff than other people (you have to wonder what some people are thinking when they compose their auctions). I'm not a marketing genius or anything, I’m simply a better researcher than some, I think (and with weaker scruples). I simply find a similar auction that is doing well and copy EVERYTHING that I think is doing it for that person. I think it has really worked for the Pump In Style breastpump because it’s doing REALLY well compared to similar articles. I was nervous when I put it up because my ad was almost identical to the one I had copied from (why I worry about not being liked by someone who will never meet me and probably could care less about me I don’t know). Luckily though their listing ended almost immediately after mine went up and they were a US lister so in most cases we were MILES apart in the category and the two listings were unlikely to be watched by anyone other than me. Hopefully, they never noticed the copycat following their every move. They got an AMAZINGLY good price for their pump to. I think someone really overpaid.

I’m looking forward to selling other stuff around our house. This seems much easier than a garage sale. I think we will have a garage sale in the spring anyway to get rid of the junk that I don’t think I could sell on E-bay. No way I would have gotten anything for these items at a garage sale. Okay off to gaze at my own listing once more. Cheerio.

Back in the world of infertility (well at least in the same solar system)

Had my first ever appointment with a gynecologist this morning. Can ya believe it? I never had any problems and I've never been pregnant so no reason to go. Well now I have problems (as I have whined about previously). So I'm dreaming about her waving a magic wand. There is no wand though. :( Ugh! She gave me three options:

1) the Pill (something my family doctor had suggested two years ago and I rejected)
2) Lupron shots
3) surgery

Well I don't want to do the pill. Problem won't go away (unless I stay on the Pill indefinitely); I'll just get fat/fatter. The Lupron and chemical menopause kinda scares me. I've taken Lupron for IVF but it has been explained to me that it's at a MUCH higher dosage and my ovaries will go dormant which she says they weren’t in prep for IVF (news to me). I took the prescription for the Lupron; it's sitting in my front hall.

If the Lupron helps, the Doctor explained, she will know it's related to my cycle in which case I'm not really sure what happens as she keeps saying I can't stay on Lupron forever ... duh! But then she totally confused me by talking about putting me on Lupron and then giving me Hormone Replacement Therapy which seemed totally antithetical to me (more explanations the HRT would prevent bone density loss but wouldn’t be enough to wake my useless pain factory ovaries). She did say at one point "when I do surgery I will know that it is probably something wrong with your ovary." Okay I know there is something wrong with my ovary but I don’t just want to say cut me open (okay my reasoning here is dumb – if she does cut me open and there is nothing there, if I haven’t jumped through hoops beforehand, I will feel like more of a hypochndriac than I already do).

If the Lupron doesn't work, she is proposing surgery to find out what is likely wrong. So either way I'm headed for surgery, I think, the only difference being whether I go through chemically induced menopause first. Wonderful. I guess when it comes right down to it a laproscopy is pretty banal when it comes to surgeries.

I have an appointment in three months (to allow me to experiment with the Lupron first)to see her again. The way things seem to be unfolding IF she does do I laproscopy it will be just as I return to work (to a brand new job/boss) after being off for almost a year. They are going to love me, I’m sure. Well, I didn’t pick this. The one good thing that came out of this morning is I’m reasonably certain that I won’t have to deal with this pain next month. I could almost shout from the rooftops in joy over that.

I’m sulking a bit (who am I kidding; I’m sulking A LOT) because Daniel never asked me what the doctor said. He knows how miserable I have been (I completely broke down in tears on Monday over all this and that wasn’t the first time). He knows I had a doctor's appointment this morning as we had to do all sorts of weird scheduling this morning to accommodate it. He either managed to forget in two hours (most likely explanation I hope) or he doesn’t believe it’s as bad as it is and has just been humoring me and pretending to care. :( I am not going to bring it up. I refuse.

It’s emotionally difficult being back in this world again which is just exacerbating everything of course. I try not to think about my reproductive organs at all. It’s a kind of "you stay on your side of the room and I’ll stay on mine and that way we’ll both be happy" kind of thing. Now I’m not happy and my ovaries (at least my right one) is certainly unhappy.

I have lunch tomorrow with a very good and very old friend tomorrow (male) who's in town getting set for a new job (I'm so excited he is moving here my teeth hurt). I'm not so certain I won't burst into tears when he asks me how I am.

With her own money

Kamryn is too cute.

A few weeks ago we were out shopping and she wanted a kid’s umbrella. I said “no” and she wanted to know why. I told her I had no money for an umbrella and asked if she had any money. She said she didn’t and I told her that when she did she could buy an umbrella. I told her that the next time she saw her grandfather to ask him for the money.

Well the next time she say him she did just that. When he asked why she needed money, she told him to buy an umbrella. Then a few days later she found a penny on the table at his house and told him she was taking it to buy an umbrella. So he called me and asked if he could take her to buy an umbrella “with her own money.” I told him to knock himself out (well not those words exactly but you get the gist. :)) So today, after her soccer class, he took her to Walmart to get her her umbrella. They come home and Kamryn is triumphant. What did she get? A pretty pink one with purple accents? A Beauty Beast umbrella? A little Mermaid? Nope – Spiderman! Makes me grin. She’s a spunky kid and no one is "princessafying" her.

Happy Days

Someone once berated me for being too melancholic in my writings. I think I started the “argument” but accusing my accuser of the exact same thing. I defended myself by noting that I generally feel the need to write when I’m feeling down. When I’m up I find it a much better use of my resources to spend my time wallowing in happiness rather than chaining myself to my keyboard. Today though I’m having a wonderful day AND feel the need to write about it. Nothing special has happened just a good day.

Daniel is working and he took our lone vehicle so I’m literally trapped here in suburbia with the two kids. It’s cold out and they both have colds so we’re not going anywhere (although Kamryn has been out today already). We started the day with showers for all (no protests at all from Sam who hates showers) and then Kamryn went off with my father (standing in for Daniel) to her soccer class while my mother and I hung out at the house, drank tea, ate banana bread and watched Sam poop. Boy can that boy poop! In the hour and a half my mother was here I changed my “fresh from the shower” boy twice for “sizeable” reasons to (enough on that).

When Kamryn returned I “let” the kids watch Monsters Inc. (the only movie Sam will really watch) and they “let” me read “The Time Traveller’s Wife” (awesome book!). They actually both ate their lunch, Zoodles, happily and then munched on homemade banana bread for dessert. After lunch and some play time, Sam got all snuggly which he does when he wants to nap AND actually let me rock him to sleep rather than squiggling all over until we both get frustrated and I am forced to put him down. Kamryn and I played a little bit and then she too went down for her nap without a huge protest.

I have made French bread to have with dinner, which will be spaghetti with homemade sauce, and it is rising as I sit and type this while simultaneous eating my lunch and losing at Scrabble to a perfect stranger miles away from here. :) When Kamryn gets up from her nap, I think we will make cookies.

I’m totally content and thought I should share it.

Last Visit for a Bit I Expect

Our meeting with Sam’s “birthfamily” went REALLY well. They were happy to see him and super gracious about our willingness to let the meeting go ahead. We met at our local mall which has a play area for kids. Sam remembered them and was very happy to see them. He was also sweet enough to his maman to demonstrate his attachment to me by calling out whenever I would leave his sight (I left him with them and Daniel to go an buy lunch) Normally, this is a bit of a pain but it was nice to see it demonstrated for them. They didn’t make a big deal out of his name except that they mispronounced it the whole time (I didn’t correct them just placed extra emphasis on the right way to say it whenever I spoke to him). It’s not a big deal as MOST people mispronounce it (it’s one of those names that seems obvious but I guess isn’t).

A good thing about the meeting is we “found out” about Sam’s temper. Well we knew about his temper; anyone who has spent more than half and hour with him knows about his temper. The thing is NO ONE mentioned that he had a temper and threw temper tantrums worthy of John McEnroe in the WEEK AND A HALF we spent transitioning him to our family. It’s like they thought we would reject him based on this or something. Amber (Sam's "aunt") must have asked me 5 times if he still threw fits. Ummm… YA! We have spent the last few months wondering about this spectacular temper he has and these monumental fits he throws. As I told our social worker yesterday afternoon, it would have been nice to know that his temper tantrums were completely unrelated to adoption and just “him.” While it is unlikely that we would have treated him any different, we would have been easier on ourselves. Ah well. All in all, a good (and short! Maybe and hour and a half) visit. They left confident (I hope!) that he is doing well and that we didn’t adopt him to murder him for the insurance money (stupid plot line on Law and Order last week).

We had a visit from our social worker immediately afterwards and she was really surprised when I told her that we had just gotten home from a visit with the birthfamily. She was really impressed with our “flexibility.” To be honest though, as I said in my first post, I didn’t think we had a choice in the matter. It wasn’t at all as awful as I expected it to be. We even got to meet one of Sam’s biological great uncles who came along for the ride I guess (Nana had 13 siblings ALL raised in foster care or adopted).
One more home visit from our social worker (in three weeks) and we can start the paperwork to finalize the adoption.

One more birthfamily post ...

Okay before I whine endlessly please understand - open adoption is wonderful and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Nevertheless, like anything good, it requires some sacrifice and while I am willing to make those sacrifices, they aren't easy ones to make at times.

Ugh! So Sam’s “birthfamily” are in town and want to see him. They aren’t really his birthfamily (his is a VERY confusing family). Technically they are his ex-step-grandfather and his step-aunt and step cousin. Regardless, for the first year of his life they were family and when we met them back in May and they asked about contact we told them that they could see him when they wanted and we wouldn’t cut them off from him. Oh… and they HATE us.

Doug (is Sam’s birthgrandmother’s ex-husband. They were no longer together when Sam’s birthmother was born. There is no biological connection at all BUT everyone is very friendly toward one another and they were all living in the same VERY small apartment building for Sam’s first year. Doug lived next door to Nana and Amber (aunt) lived upstairs with Gabriel who is six and autistic. No one’s door was ever closed and Sam was regularly passed around so they are important people to him.

They didn’t want him placed for adoption. They were of the opinion that Nana should adopt and raise him while she VERY much wanted something better for him (i.e. two parent household, siblings, nice house, grass …) They really resented her for making the decision she did. They really resented us for being the unwitting adoptive family. Then we changed his name … That pretty much nailed it.

Anyway, Doug’s step mother lived in Ottawa. She passed away on the weekend so they will all be in town today and want to see him. Nana called last night to ask us if it would be all right. She wants them to leave us alone (she regularly tells us that she divorced him for a reason and that she doesn’t agree with his approach to most things in life lol). We feel obligated to let them see him as 1) we said they could see him and 2) they hate us and we don’t want to perpetuate all the “bad ideas” they have about us. I told Daniel that I wouldn’t be alone with Doug (he really creeps me out) and Daniel is working until 8 both today and tomorrow. We agreed to lunch on Wednesday in a neutral location. At first I thought, well, we could go to a local indoor amusement park and spend the morning and then I reconsidered and thought it’s not his birthmother or birthgrandmother. Yes, they can see him but I’m not jumping through hoops for them (especially considering all I know they have been saying about us and the adoption).

So we’ll skip Sam’s swim lesson and meet them about 11 and hang out until around 1. At 2 we have the second of our adoption inspection visits by our social worker. At 5, we all have flu shots scheduled and at 7 we have an information session at Kamryn’s preschool (and Sam’s future preschool). Gonna be a VERY long and arduous day.

I’m a little worried about the name thing. I know they were all very angry. He’s adjusted so well and I don’t want them screwing it all up. Nevertheless, I have to remember he is my son and if I don’t like how they are behaving around him I can pack him up and take him home. This is MUCH more stressful than Nana’s visit was.

The end of my meltdown (oh what a meltdown it was too)

So I logged on tonight to erase my descent into melancholy of earlier today but I’ve decided to leave it. I hate reading about people feeling sorry for themselves for no good reason and figured I should erase it so that anyone reading this would continue their belief in me as the perfect woman and mother (lol). Then I decided to leave it. I’m not perfect and you guys know that so why pretend. I’m feeling much better – it got much worse before it got better though because of course Sam wanted nothing to do with his dinner and basically threw it at me – just what I needed. I was a mess but I’m very proud of myself for how I handled things. I took the screaming tantruming Sam upstairs and put him in his crib. I came downstairs and grabbed the phone (unfortunately before I had time to collect myself) and called my parents and asked them to come and stay with Sam for an hour while I took Kamryn to ballet.

They came, I took Kamryn to ballet and sat on the floor and chatted with Madison’s Mom who I think is becoming a friend (okay I’m not totally pathetic). She suggested that as they have just moved a couple of blocks away (they moved last week) that we make a real effort to get the girls together outside of school and other activities. I will invite them over very soon. Just have to take a look at our schedule a bit. 45 minutes sitting on the floor outside of a ballet class chatting and I feel SOOOOOO much better. Still a little weepy and sorry for myself but definitely not as awful as I was feeling.

I’m going to turn the TV on for the right now and let them watch a bit before bed (that was another change today we have had no TV time). I need them to watch a little TV each day; if that’s my failing as a parent so be it and long live Sesame Street!

Just Me Whining About My Perfectly Adequate Life

I honestly don’t know how single parents do it or even people married to absentee parents (i.e. they have a partner who is regularly away). Day after day after day. Yes, the rewards of parenting are rich but that doesn’t mean they come easily. I’m feeling REALLY isolated today. It’s gray and rainy. I’m tired. Daniel called around 11 to ask if I minded skipping my band practice tonight so he could work some overtime (he worked the weekend so this is his 4th day of work in a row). Some overtime means he’ll be home between 11 and midnight. He left at 8 this morning. What could I say but sure I’ll skip my practice but oh how I was looking forward to those 2 ½ hours. I’m such a wimp. I’ve felt so isolated home with Sam. So different than my parental leave with Kamryn when I couldn’t understand why people wanted to return to work. I’ve begun to look forward to April. Yes, I love the time spent with the kids but I feel so alone.

With Kamryn I could pick her up and just go. With the two kids though that’s not as easy. Sam is far from “portable.” He’s the kind of kid where all conditions must be perfect (he can’t be tired, hungry, wet, bored, warm, cold etc.) or he completely melts down. I just can’t handle that in public on a regular basis. Easier to stay home. Even the grocery store is a challenge. Someone is always poking someone else or pulling someone hair or Sam starts yelling to hear his own voice and Kamryn must chime in and then both kids are yelling and I’m asking them to stop like a demented freak while people look away with that “what awful kids and what an awful Mom” look. With Kamryn, there were a ton of other mothers on our street off on Mat leave and we had regular, weekly playgroups. The only Mom around this time is just “not me” nor am I “her.” There is always a politeness to our social interaction and I expect under different circumstances (she lives next door) we probably wouldn’t be friends or even friendly. It’s also so much easier to pop out with an infant than a toddler and a preschooler.

I go out twice a week to Mom and Me things with Sam. I can’t chat with the other Moms though because he is a full time job. If I stop to chat, he wants down (or out if he’s in a stroller). If I put him down he WILL hurt himself. I actually hate those mornings (music class and swimming) because I have to work so hard just to keep him engaged. Daniel and I have decided that the classes are good for him because he is getting something out of them (if nothing he is learning that this world has some structure in it and that it doesn’t revolve around Sam) still often I wonder what.

I don’t have a lot of good friends either. None that live near by. Lots of “small talk” friends but no one who would want to meet me for lunch for instance. My closest friend lives about a 45 minute drive away but she has a brood of her own and while she suggests often getting together – whenever I have tried to “make a date” she has had a reason it couldn’t work. I don’t make friends easily either. I never quite know what to do after the “hi, I’m so and so” stage. We make chit chat and might have a really good time together and then the cool person that I would like to be friends with goes off and I don’t know what comes next. No one ever calls when I say give me a call sometime – not that I call anyone – seems weird and fake and I don’t think people really mean it when they say it. There are a couple of moms in the classes I attend with Sam that I wouldn’t mind being friends with but I can’t help feel they probably have their own friends why would they need me. I’m so envious of the other Moms in the Mall I see having lunch or shopping with their two friends and all their kids. Not me; will never be me I’m just so social inept. So days when my husband calls and tells me he won’t be home until after 10 and I’ve been trapped with the kids for 4 days and there are another 3 looming just depress me.

Mom takes the kids for me as a break every Thursday. Two Thursday’s ago she had another commitment so she didn’t take them. Then last Thursday Nana was here so again no break and then this Thursday Mom is preparing for a big party on Friday so I won’t get a break either. Ironically in the two months she has been doing this Thursday is the day I could really use the break. I’m honestly in tears here and I really don’t know why. I’m just tired and really lonely. Oh this is just silly but hey we all can be silly eh.

Sam is up from his nap and he’s hungry and grumpy (no kidding he refused to eat lunch so he is of course starved) so I must run. Kamryn has ballet tonight. Daniel’s overtime means I have to keep a 17 month old entertained in the hall outside Kamryn’s ballet class for an hour. Wonderful. Must go feed them.

I'm not really as pathetic as I sound. Just one of those days I guess.

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween all.

This is Kamryn's birthmother's favorite holiday. Tracy posted and asked if I had photos to share with the kids' birthparents. Already sent them some and will send some tomorrow after tonight's "festivities." They are both sooooo excited. Kamryn for trick or treating. Sam because he has a stuffed banana. lol This had to be shared with their birthparents. How could I not?

I have had a few comments in the past few days on our relationship with the kids' birthparents (most I guess because I'm dwelling on it at present; I won't always; I promise). What I keep in mind mostly when dealing with the children's birth families is that one day in the not so distant future I'm going to be called on to explain how I treated them and why by the two people who matter most in this Kamryn and Sam. I don't want to have to defend myself, I want them to know I did everything I possibly could. It is, as I see it, one of the best ways to show them how much I love them.

Okay, back to Halloween. :) Pictures from this morning: I'm alone today (Daniel left for work early and the Lord knows when he will be home) and have to take advantage of any chance I get. These are pre and post pre-school.

Showing her Monkey Face

Showing her other "Monkey" face.


Kamryn and her best bud Madison (names changed to protect the innocent :)) at preschool (these two are inseperable and more trouble then their adorable demeanors suggest). I was openly jealous of Madison's costume. lol

Monkeying about.


And again.

Horton Hatches an Egg

So I just read this story to Kamryn somewhat against my better judgment (an irresponsible parenting moment perhaps as normally I would screen something questionable first but I thought “really, it’s Dr. Suess”). I like Dr. Suess. I got a treasury from the library and this story was in it. I had a general gist of what it was about and my reluctance to read it was based on an attack it took on www.INCIID.org as "anti-birthparent." I took the approach that sometimes a story is just a story and needs to be taken at face value.

For those who haven't read it this is the gist:

An elephant agrees to egg-sit for an irresponsible bird. The bird then disappears for months, but Horton, whose motto is "I meant what I said and I said what I meant; an elephant's faithful, 100 percent", never abandons his post, despite the amazing (and amusing) difficulties this entails. In the end, as the egg hatches the bird returns (actually accidently stumbles upon poor Horton and the egg) and demands her egg back. While they argue about it the egg hatches and it is an "elephant-bird" that looks just like Horton so Horton gets to keep it.

This book was written in 1940 - I find it hard to believe it was ever intended to be anti-birthparent. I can see how one could see it that way as an adult BUT I can't see a child getting that connotation or maybe I just need to take off my rose-coloured glasses. Regardless, Kamryn knows her birthparents aren’t lazy and never abandoned her. We tell her regularly how much they love her even though she doesn’t quite get it yet.

Still, would I read her racists material even though we teach her that all people are equal? Certainly not. So I’m a little torn and feel a little guilty. Awful thing is she listened with rapt attention and was thrilled at the end when the little elephant-bird is born. I really don’t know what the right thing to do here is. Not really sure I can read it again. I guess there are so many Dr. Suesses, I shouldn’t mourn the loss of one questionable one.

I once stopped watching a sitcom because of their portrayal of infertility, I was too disgusted to watch what had been a favorite show because of the light they made of and experience that ripped my heart apart daily. I know that the majority of birthparents are far from the “lazy Maisye bird” in the story. I can’t turn a blind eye because the rest of the story is kinda cute. Okay this is why I like writing, it really helps move the thought process along. I didn’t think I would end up here but… here I am. Bye Horton (at least in this particular story as that elephant gets around). Sorry for the obvious stream of consciousness format of this post.