Thief

Sam has been stealing food. Candy to be exact. It's happened a handful of times over the last year and a half or so. He's been punished each time - loss of privileges, restitution etc. In the past month it's happened THREE times. I'm worried. Especially given the medication he is on is supposed to be helping with impulse control. Instead it seems we're dealing with exactly the opposite (first time he wasn't on the medication yet). Sigh.

First incident: I bought some chocolate covered macadamia nuts while I was in Hawaii. They were on a shelf in my bedroom and I'd been taking a few here and there. Then I come into my room one night and the bag is one the floor, nearly empty. Honestly it seemed strange to me but I just thought I'd eaten more than I had thought. Daniel discovered it was Sam. He was punished although I can't even remember what - no desert for the week of something like that.

Second incident, was on 21 Feb; it was a holiday so we were home for the day. At around 10 am I called the kids up from the basement so that I could do homework with them. All of a sudden Sam decides he NEEDS to go to the bathroom right then. I knew something was up and when I asked him to turn around I could see he was desperately trying to swallow what was in his mouth. He had gone into our basement panty and ate three bags of Halloween sized Doritos. I took all the toys out of his room (I left his books). He wasn't allowed out in the morning on his own. He wasn't allowed in the basement alone. He was supposed to spend his afternoons in his room after school everyday (didn't really happen). He had to write lines about being too smart to be a thief (or something inspiring like that; writing lines is a really effective punishment with him since he hates it so). His punishment ended Sunday.

Saturday Kamryn attended a birthday party. I let her keep her loot bag in her room. Tonight she comes to us to tell us someone ate all her candy. Sigh. I could not have been angrier. I woke a sleeping Sam and yelled. There was a lot of yelling. Then I sent him to get a garbage bag and completely empty his room of toys (this time I even took his books. He has NOTHING. Then we/I broke open his piggy bank (it wasn't the type your break open but I couldn't get the stopper out and I was furious so I smashed it open with a hammer - it was a free piggy bank that his kind-hearted sister got him when she went to the bank to open her first bank account. They gave her one and she asked for one for her brother who treats her so badly. The yelling... the taking of toys... no effect at all on Sam but the smashing of the piggy bank; that woke him up completely. The only time he cried was when I made him take his money - all of it and give it to Kamryn as restitution for the candy he stole.)

He can't be hungry. He eats well and when he asks for a snack I rarely say no. Also he's only binging on candy. He's a kid who likes candy ... fine. He's a kid who gets candy... LOTS. I'm not big on restricting treats. He's spoilt if anything else. I'm so disappointed in him. I'm devestated to know I can't trust my own son. He knows it's wrong. He's not stupid. I'm worried. If he's stealing now; this frequently, boldly, and with no consideration of the consequences what is going to happen to him as he gets older? Is he doing this at school too? Seems unbelievable that he would only do it at home. All the hope of the last few weeks is gone. His comportment is better but he's stealing from us?

Anyway, if he's hungry we'll deal with that. I've already increased his school lunches because his teacher told us last week that he complains he's hungry in the afternoons (its more he's not eating what's in his lunch than he didn't have any options but I'm trying here. He regularly comes home with leftovers.) I've left instruction with Daniel that when he gets home from school before he does anything he's to eat one egg (to boast his protein levels). Dinner has always been eat until you're full and I don't intend to change that.

Since he can't be trusted; he can't be alone (i.e. without adult supervision). No more going downstairs and helping himself to what he wants for breakfast (choice of cereal + Yogurt). This morning he sat at the top of the stairs while I got ready for work and then we went down together and I served him cereal (my choice not his) and selected a yogurt for him. He ate while I watched and then he got into his winter stuff and sat on the stairs while I snowblowed the driveway (his sister was inside playing lego). Kamryn walked to the bus stop and he stayed with me. Then I drove him to the stop (I needed the car with me so I could leave immediately for work) and he sat in the car with me until the bus arrived and I let him leave and get on the bus.

The reason we cleared his room of toys is that it's the only place he will be allowed to be alone and with nothing in his room but clothes I know what he's doing when he's in there.

Going to be a lot of together time.

I just don't know...

Organized morning

This morning I rose "bright and early" and slid out of bed well after the alarm clock had gone off to discover the Sam who is always up with the birds was still asleep. Doesn’t take much to get him going though. Kamryn was already downstairs eating breakfast. When I got to the kitchen to pull food together for lunch I saw that the cold meat had expired two weeks ago. Now you should know several things: we aren’t allowed peanut products at the school so no peanut butter sandwiches; we do make sunflower seed sandwiches but Sam hates them; neither child will eat eggs; they had soup for dinner last night. I did think of my normal stand-by: zoodles with cut-up hotdogs in a thermos. No Zoodles or hot dogs in the house. Yikes. So I “made” them beef tortellini w/ tomato and pesto sauce. Okay the pasta was fresh pasta left over from dinner two nights ago and frozen and the sauce was out of a jar still lunch took almost all my time to prepare given we were already running late.

Time for the kids to leave for the bus stop and I’m still in my Pjs. I sent them off on their own (just to the end of our street but I generally try to accompany them.) I had exactly ten minutes to throw some clothes on, pull things together and get to work myself. I’m brushing my teeth going over checklists in my head when I remember Sam’s medication – ugh! Check the time. It’s 8:23 (bus comes at 8:25). Run through options in my head: drop pills off at school; let him skip his morning dose; run down the street like a madwoman calling his name… Ummmm…. Pass. So I run downstairs; grab the pills; throw on my Parka and my boots over bare feet and PJs and jump in the car to drive the 7 houses down the street and give him his pill. Grandmother of neighbour kid standing at the bus stop looks at me like I’m nuts. Nevertheless - crisis averted.

I was so late for work though.

Judgement

Sam has been on methylphenidate for two weeks now. The change in him is complete. He is a different boy. One I don’t quite recognize but in an entirely good way. He is so very proud of himself and for once its true confidence and not bravado (bravado is so terribly annoying – a desperate need to be told constantly how wonderful you are weighs on those around you). This new confidence he has in himself can’t help but make you smile. His teacher is smiling. He has not gotten in trouble at school once since starting the medication. He’s never had two weeks (heck he’s never had a week like this) in his entire school career. It’s not just the meds; there is an entire platoon of people working to help him out. He has a behavioural modification program in place at school (as part of an IEP). He has a 5th grade student shadow him during one of the recesses (to model appropriate play) – I want to hug this child for being so generous with her time (what 11 year old girl wants a 6 year old boy trailing after them?) He meets with a therapist once a week.

The change in him is so remarkable that I want to get a hold of his (missing!) birthfamily and share what we’ve learned to maybe help out his half sister (she’s only 3 but I’d heard they were having difficulties with her similar to what we’ve dealt with in Sam). I know they can’t afford the testing we put Sam through (the testing is available publically but the waiting lists are extremely – like two years – long); I worry about the future for this little girl.

I also wonder about other disadvantaged children. I think/hope that we’ve saved Sam further “damage” (to his abilities; reputation; self-esteem; potential) by giving him the care he’s getting now. I wonder what type of kid he would have been had we waited until he was 8 (the age he would have been had we pursued testing through the school system). I wonder what we all would have endured. I see how important treatment is.

I watched Sam’s medication wear off today (he gets a dose at 8 in the morning and another at noon; we’ve known for days now that after about 3 hours the medication is no longer effective so we’re switching to a longer acting formula next week). I picked him up at school to take him to the doctor at around 10 am. Between the time I picked him up and the time we saw the doctor 1 hour passed. It was like watching a stop motion film. He wasn’t doing anything bad but he went from a normal boy to this hyper kinetic individual. There was nothing subtle or normal about his affect. It was precisely like he’d been given some sort of drug to bring about the change although I knew it was the other way round. It was eye-opening. There were two older women in the waiting room when we were leaving (Sam was literally bouncing off the walls), they were very polite when they commented about his level of energy (think of a wind-up toy gone mad; manic conversation that hoped without pause from one unrelated topic to the next).

I’m very aware that a great many people don’t believe in ADHD. Don’t believe in medicating children. I agree that children are misdiagnosed. I’m certain that children are over-medicated. I wonder at the ease some doctors hand out prescriptions for these very powerful drugs. For Sam we went through 6 hours of psychological testing (over 3 days) I provided daily reports from his teachers going back three years. I turned over all his report cards. There weren’t many stones left undisturbed. We’ve got a good picture of this little boy. By contrast, there is a mother on a BB I frequent. She has posted numerous times about difficulties with her son. She has also posted numerous times about difficulties getting anyone in the medical profession to take her claims seriously. At around the same time we started Sam on medication this woman posted that she had finally found a doctor to “take her seriously.” That this doctor listened to her description of what she was dealing with, agreed her son had ADHD and prescribed a medication. I was a little stunned – we had 4 separate appointments with a psychologist lasting over 2 hours each (Sam was put through a battery of cognitive testing), his teacher and filled out behavioural analysis tests; we had a separate appointment with our family physician. This woman talked a doctor into prescribing medication. Nevertheless, she was as relieved as I was to be helping her son. Ummmm…. The medication was a disaster – her next post. He was hyper and agitated and mean. Ummm… those are the side-effects to taking a stimulant drug when you don’t have ADHD. I truly suspect her son doesn’t have ADHD. She is straining to see improvement in his behaviour (if she only knew how remarkable it can be). She thinks maybe its just the wrong drug for him (and maybe it is!). I can’t say anything. I don’t want to judge but I’m judging; I can’t help it.

I know that people will meet a medicated Sam and question our motives in medicating him. People who don’t understand that ADHD meds don’t work in children without ADHD. People who don’t see how much better his life is. People who’ve met an unmedicated Sam and after spending a very brief amount of time with him pronounce him spirited and normal. They will judge. Let them.

Valentines Stream of Conciousness

Today Daniel left before I was awake.

He’s very good at being really quiet in the morning so I can gain a few more hours sleep. I’m not as generous when our roles are reversed (although I’m generally only up a half hour before he needs to get up rather than 2 ½). Normally even with his efforts I’m up for the day when he is. This morning though I dozed gloriously. I remember the kiss goodbye when he left. Not much beyond that.

I thought of walking over to his building to join him for lunch – he only gets 45 minutes; not worth it (for him not me). Sam has piano lessons at 5:15. I’ll leave work to be home for 5:00 so that Daniel doesn’t have to take Kamryn with him too. Kamryn has soccer at 7:00, so I’ll shovel dinner (leftovers) into her and get her ready so that she can basically get in the car when Sam gets out. Daniel will take her to soccer while I feed Sam (leftovers). I’ll really see Daniel for the first time when he gets back from soccer with Kamryn after 8.

I haven’t planned dinner. No energy and while not really a reflection of the state of my marriage no real impetus. However, if we had a babysitter I would have like to go out to eat; I just don’t feel like cooking and elaborate meal. By 8:30 I’ll be bagged regardless.

I instructed Daniel last week NOT to buy me flowers. They DIE. They cost a lot and then they just die… alone… in the house while I’m at work. What’s the point? He looked a little shocked. I’ve tried to be blunt in the past about the flowers thing and he never gets it so I told him pretty much what I wrote here. Plus (what I didn’t tell him but really believe) I think flowers are a cop out. Get flowers and all is right in the world? What woman wouldn’t want flowers, eh? No need to think harder than what colour would she like. Forget that and just give me the money. How’s that for cynical.

I generally don’t get Daniel anything for Valentines day. This year for some reason I was compelled to purchase him a tie. He rarely wears ties but I’ve noticed his collection has grown a little stale. Nice silk Kenneth Cole tie. After the flower decree, I’m not expecting anything. Maybe a card. Shrug.

Happy Valentines Day.

What a weekend

On Thursday Sam started on Ritalin. He had his first full dose yesterday (Saturday).

OMG, we've had such a good weekend as a family. Hasn't been a weekend with someone constantly harping on Sam. He's played lovingly with his sister. He's listened. He's participated effectively in team sports. We were able to go to the grocery store without it being a disaster. We were able to eat out and enjoy ourselves. When he has had to be disciplined he's looked me in the eye when I spoke to him (something he's not able to do when not medicated). He's not even on a full dose. I don't know how much this is the drug and how much it's me wanting things to be better but it can't all be in my head. I'm really eager for him to go to school on Monday and see how things go there because this is really fantastic.

I WANT to do things with him and really before what would happen is I'd plan all these wonderful things and he's ruin the fun within ten minutes by doing something annoying. Now when he gets excited, its at a normal little boy excited level. It's fun and enjoyable and... normal.

Not what I expected at all (I really was ready for the change to much more subtle).