Sigh.

Our little athlete and our constant worry. Sigh. He's so good at sports. Golden at anything he tries. He's scary smart - it's not like he's reading or starting to do algebra or anything like that its just his thought processes aren't that of the average 5 year old. He strategizes. He contemplates things you wouldn't think a 5 year old would notice. It REALLY helps him in team sports. When he wants to he has amazing recall. He notices things and stores them away. It's hard to describe and I probably sound like some clueless mom but I swear I'm not the only one who has commented on it. He's enthusiastic about everything. Desperate to impress. He thinks he's the funniest guy on the planet.

Then there is the little boy who threw a chair at his teacher last week. Sigh. Who took his school agenda, found what he thought was the daily entry his teacher makes about his behavior (happy or sad faces morning and afternoon to single to us how the day went), erased what his teacher had written and drew in happy faces. He explained -- to justify the fact that the faces looked different than normal -- that he played a "joke" and "decorated" them. He was VERY proud of his work and eager to show us. Unfortunately for him he performed his handiwork on the wrong month (he can't read). Sigh. He's eager to please (in this case he was eager not to get into big trouble as he'd been warned to improve his behavior at school following the chair incident) but not so eager as to actually put any effort in. Sigh. The little boy who visits the school principal on a regular basis. Who is one more incident away from being kicked off the school bus. Who stole half the Halloween candy (that was already being generously shared) - gorged on it and tried to hide the evidence.

He is perfectly capable of behaving. He knows what is acceptable and what isn't. If you bribe him outright he can be an angel but the bribe has to interest him and it can't be long term. i.e. behave in school today and you can go to MacDonald's - he'll do fine. Behave all week and you can go to MacDonald's not a chance. Behave and you'll get a sticker... bahahahahahaha. We obvious can't live with bribes. Threats work but the threat has to be BIG. Right now he has almost nothing left. He's lost TV/video games. He lost his leapster. He lost his MP3 player. He lost a coveted school trip. There isn't much left to take away. I've left his sporting activities alone because I'm desperately hoping his love of sport will "save" him from becoming a juvenile delinquent. Seriously.

He doesn't seem to care all that much and its a big annoyance to the rest of the family (especially Kamryn). Spankings... well I'd be spanking him hourly so not so effective either. Sending him to his room is the one thing that is super effective (he HATES being alone) but I worry about the message that sends - "we don't want you around?" And again its hard on the rest of the family (especially Kamryn).

I used to think he had ADHD. Not so much anymore. He's doing too well academically. His teacher comments that he does fine with the structured part of the day - she thinks his behavior will improve markedly in Grade 1 where there is less freedom. I worry about other things though. My current fear is that he has ODD. The list of behaviors associated with ODD fits very well. The prognosis though is scarey - a large percentage of people with ODD become substance abusers - hmmmm... like his birthmother, birthfather, and a large percentage of his birthfamily? Then again I wonder if ODD is a real disorder (it's in the DSRM) or just an excuse for badly parented/socialized children.

We've got a call into our doctor to talk about things again (last year she told us to come back in a year) but I know that no answers will be forthcoming for maybe another year (with referrals and evaluations etc. etc.) I REALLY want to talk to a psychiatrist - someone who knows what they are talking about. In the meantime I worry.

I worry about him becoming a bully - he's big, physical and smart enough that he easily manipulates other children. I worry about his increasingly complex bad behavior. I worry about his lying. I worry about our relationship. Mostly I worry about his self-esteem. When you're in trouble ALL THE TIME (and I let the little things go, I really do) - how do you develop a good sense of self. Sigh.