They have got to be kidding.

Now that the threat has passed for H1N1 and the hype has completely died down the province of Ontario is in full swing with its campaign to encourage people to get vaccinated. hmmm.... Lovely use of my tax dollars.

Parts of the campaign really make you wonder though. They have these giant 7 foot long posters on the bus. In fact they have two side by side (one in friench and one in english). The poster has a catch phrase written reasonably small - "you call the shot" next to a 6 and a half foot long picture of a syringe. Ummmm.... you want to encourge me to get a shot right? How do you think you're going to do that with the 6 1/2 foot long giant needle?

Brilliant campaign.

Winter Without Snow Sucks

I left the house this morning to catch the bus for work at 6:30 am. It was DARK. Like middle of the night dark and as I stepped onto the front doorstep I steeled myself -- as you do in the frozen North -- for the cold blast of air that I expected to greet me. I hadn't worn a hat - out of pride not practicality. All my muscles were tensed up but as the breeze ruffled my hair I realized it wasn't all that cold a breeze. I tenatively relaxed and realized it was realtively balmy out (- 6 C). It's January gosh darn it. It's supposed to be frigid (I won't be disappointed tomorrow I'm sure as a cold snap and - 21 temps are forcast for overnight) and its supposed to be snowy. Altogether this winter has been far too mild with WAY too little snow. The snow we do have on the ground (about two feet) is dirty and unattractive. It's icy and not good for playing in. It's boring.

About a month a go I whined on facebook about the fact that it wouldn't stop snowing so I guess there is no pleasing me. Then again that wasn't fun snow. It was annoying 5 cm a day snow. There is no fun in that - although it does keep it looking pretty. I'm mostly annoyed because we haven't had ANY good storms. We had a so-so storm in December sometime - maybe 20 cm of snow. THIS IS NOT WINTER!!!!

I want a real storm. I want a "everything is cancelled" stay home and drink caoco and hope the power doesn't go off storm. I want to have trouble getting out of my driveway. I want to worry about the snowdrifts being too high against the kids' bedroom winters. I want to HAVE to leave work early because the driving is bad (and somehoe leaving early will make it better lol). We can normally count on three to five of these a winter. This winter we have had ONE and it wasn't all that bad.

Harumph... I wasn't cut out for boring ho-hum winters.

Between the Pipes

Kamryn has been given the opportunity to play goalie in her next two hockey games. She's had the equipment for the past two weeks so that she can practice. Goal tending is much harder than it looks and it looks pretty hard to me - for starters the pads weigh just about as much as she does. I was hoping that she would not want to try goalie - I don't know how I will survive watching the game. But we always said we'd support the kids in anything they wanted to try (within reason).

Anyway, the weather was pretty perfect this weekend and she had the opportunity to get out on the hockey rink just behind our home to practice a few times. Her brother took her on in goal - much to his delight and her consternation.

The shape of things to come

Yesterday I bought Kamryn a pair of jeans from the Gap. Size 7, slim. Ordinarily I would have looked at the size and cursed the ordinariness of my daughter (who I didn't believe belonged in slim anything) but they were on sale for a ridiculously low price. I thought, "just maybe ..." and then double checked to make sure I could still return them even though they had been marked down so much they were practically free.

Numerous persons in the past have referred to Kamryn as petite. I always smile politiely while privately thinking that the person must be deluded. Now I know my kid isn't huge but she is well proportioned and has never been what I would call skinny. But everything is relative. Last week (and again yesterday) I took her to swimming lessons. Wow. Kamryn is skinny. She's petite. She's downright emaciated compared to most of the little girls I saw wandering around the pool. Fully clothed I probably wouldn't have noticed much of a difference but in a swimming suit I was stunned at all the toddler bellies that hadn't gone away. At the soft tummies and the plump little legs. None Most of these kids weren't what I would consider overweight but I did come to realize what "not skinny" means. It was kind of depressing. I have roll near the bottom of my ribcage when I slouch. I don't think it's all that noticeable but it bothers me (obviously not enough for me to do anything about it). I was looking at one little girl with similar substantially more obvious rolls and it made me feel REALLY bad for her. Maybe she has a healthy self image and it doesn't bother her at all but I can't believe that. AT 41, I shrug these things off - I'm getting old so who really cares. But at 7 or 8?

Anyway, the size 7 slim jeans fit well (as long as I cinched the elastic inside the waistband to make them smaller. I'm convinced. Kamryn is most definitely petite. Everything being relative.

Who knew there would be so much politics?

LIke c'mon people it's seven year olds playing hockey here!

Kamryn had a skating development class last night. Two other children from her hockey team are also signed up for this class. Their mothers are respectively the team's manager and treasurer and I'm the team trainer. The other ladies are pretty nice. I like them and have enjoyed chatting with them and hanging out over the course of the season. I think I've mentioned here that I'm lousy at making/maintaining friendships. I thought I wasn't doing to badly here. I looked forward to these classes because it meant I could hang with these women which I can't during games because I need to be on the bench.

Last night I went happily and blissfully off to the class. Manager Mom chats with me for a few minutes; muses that Treasurer Mom isn't there and then announces she needs a beer. She asks me if I'm coming up to the bar (it overlooks the rink). I told her I needed to wait for Daniel who was suiting Kamryn up in the dressing room and that I would follow. Lordy - we should have stayed in the arena.

It seems Manager Mom has gone to war with our Head Coach (who seems to be breaking rules left right and centre but I'm only getting one side of the story). She wanted to talk and politely (and as a friend) I needed to listen. It's all over the financial report and who's job it is to release it to the parents (the Manager's) and why it isn't being released (some funny business by the coach?). Manager Mom is VERY angry. And just like an arguement with a romantic partner its not just the infraction at hand that is being called into question but EVERY little thing the Coach has ever done. She is contemplating quitting vs. being a thorn in the coach's side. She relays that her son is already being treated unfairly by the coach and she is worried about this escallating. She is frends the the vice-president of the league. Coach is complaining to the vice-president of the league. ACK!

I'm a little (ridiculously little) torn between protecting my own child - by distancing myself from now poisoned manager and standing by a new friend. Of course I will stand by my new friend but it seems a ridiculous position to be in. We're talking little kids playing sports at the lowest level there is here. How it got to this level of animosity is beyond me. The challenge last night was to be supportive but not to get drawn in to all the drama (she asked me to send some pointed e-mails and I told her I wasn't brave enough).

It's going to make the next few months a little tense which is really unfortunate because I really like all the team parents but I can see a split developing already. Yikes.

The coach is a little chauvanistic (he didn't want me to be trainer but in the end didn't have a choice for various reasons). The other coaches - 3 men are quite close and chummy. Then there is another pocket - Manager and Treasurer Moms and a few others (not many) who are hockey parents "in-the-know" who are also quite chummy and who I gravitated to (although I also sometimes hang with the clueless parents because I want to be friendly) because I wanted to know too and it was obvious that the Coach-Dads didn't want/need to explain hockey to me. Then we have a whole group of really nice happily-clueless parents who are also quite nice but so clueless that they ask me questions as if *I* should know the answers. Bahahahahahahaha. That's how things divide. I expect the clueless parents will remain that way but that in-the-know group will become increasingly angry and hostile (if Manager Mom keeps talking) and the Coach Dad group is going to close ranks.

As central as the Head Coach is to this, it will affect the kids on the ice. Coach Dad has already been called on not giving some children fair ice time. He responded appropriately but petulantly (i.e. he gave all the weaker players prominant positions in last week's game and put all our goal scorers on defence rather than mix it up a little so that the team wasn't entirely lopsided. It was kind of a "so there." We still won.)

I'm stunned. I really am.

I just wanted to help her with her spelling

I bought Kamryn a dictionary yesterday - a Petit Larousse (children's version) which is a children's dictionary with attitude if there ever was one. It's kind of a cross between and encyclopedia and a dictionary and it is HEAVY. If nothing else she will develop good biceps because she has taken to carrying it around with her everywhere. Ever so often she offers up with total wonder some useless tidbit of information that she has gleamed from its pages.

Makes me smile.

He's so innocent

So Sam got in trouble for smacking other children with his hat on the school bus yesterday afternoon. Pretty normal kid stuff and while mildly annoyed I wasn't really angry but I gave him a talking to (and took away his favorite hat - I guess he still does have stuff to lose). I started off by saying that he was perfectly capable of behaving because he was a smart boy who knew right from wrong. He asked me why I said he was smart...

Made my heart tremble a little.

Sigh.

Our little athlete and our constant worry. Sigh. He's so good at sports. Golden at anything he tries. He's scary smart - it's not like he's reading or starting to do algebra or anything like that its just his thought processes aren't that of the average 5 year old. He strategizes. He contemplates things you wouldn't think a 5 year old would notice. It REALLY helps him in team sports. When he wants to he has amazing recall. He notices things and stores them away. It's hard to describe and I probably sound like some clueless mom but I swear I'm not the only one who has commented on it. He's enthusiastic about everything. Desperate to impress. He thinks he's the funniest guy on the planet.

Then there is the little boy who threw a chair at his teacher last week. Sigh. Who took his school agenda, found what he thought was the daily entry his teacher makes about his behavior (happy or sad faces morning and afternoon to single to us how the day went), erased what his teacher had written and drew in happy faces. He explained -- to justify the fact that the faces looked different than normal -- that he played a "joke" and "decorated" them. He was VERY proud of his work and eager to show us. Unfortunately for him he performed his handiwork on the wrong month (he can't read). Sigh. He's eager to please (in this case he was eager not to get into big trouble as he'd been warned to improve his behavior at school following the chair incident) but not so eager as to actually put any effort in. Sigh. The little boy who visits the school principal on a regular basis. Who is one more incident away from being kicked off the school bus. Who stole half the Halloween candy (that was already being generously shared) - gorged on it and tried to hide the evidence.

He is perfectly capable of behaving. He knows what is acceptable and what isn't. If you bribe him outright he can be an angel but the bribe has to interest him and it can't be long term. i.e. behave in school today and you can go to MacDonald's - he'll do fine. Behave all week and you can go to MacDonald's not a chance. Behave and you'll get a sticker... bahahahahahaha. We obvious can't live with bribes. Threats work but the threat has to be BIG. Right now he has almost nothing left. He's lost TV/video games. He lost his leapster. He lost his MP3 player. He lost a coveted school trip. There isn't much left to take away. I've left his sporting activities alone because I'm desperately hoping his love of sport will "save" him from becoming a juvenile delinquent. Seriously.

He doesn't seem to care all that much and its a big annoyance to the rest of the family (especially Kamryn). Spankings... well I'd be spanking him hourly so not so effective either. Sending him to his room is the one thing that is super effective (he HATES being alone) but I worry about the message that sends - "we don't want you around?" And again its hard on the rest of the family (especially Kamryn).

I used to think he had ADHD. Not so much anymore. He's doing too well academically. His teacher comments that he does fine with the structured part of the day - she thinks his behavior will improve markedly in Grade 1 where there is less freedom. I worry about other things though. My current fear is that he has ODD. The list of behaviors associated with ODD fits very well. The prognosis though is scarey - a large percentage of people with ODD become substance abusers - hmmmm... like his birthmother, birthfather, and a large percentage of his birthfamily? Then again I wonder if ODD is a real disorder (it's in the DSRM) or just an excuse for badly parented/socialized children.

We've got a call into our doctor to talk about things again (last year she told us to come back in a year) but I know that no answers will be forthcoming for maybe another year (with referrals and evaluations etc. etc.) I REALLY want to talk to a psychiatrist - someone who knows what they are talking about. In the meantime I worry.

I worry about him becoming a bully - he's big, physical and smart enough that he easily manipulates other children. I worry about his increasingly complex bad behavior. I worry about his lying. I worry about our relationship. Mostly I worry about his self-esteem. When you're in trouble ALL THE TIME (and I let the little things go, I really do) - how do you develop a good sense of self. Sigh.

Yes please I want to stand in the way of pucks travelling at high velocity.

Kamryn is trying out the goalie position on her hockey team. She got the equipment last Friday and so far has had the opportunity to practice once on her own and once with her team. Due to a fluke in scheduling she will have a few more opportunities to practice before she actually has to deliver the goods. I don't know how I'll be able to handle her in an actually game (I might not live through it). She is having a lot of fun though and looking forward to a game. I was watching her tiny form in nets at practice on Sunday as her coaches loomed large all around her and got one of those "mommy-twinges." I was so proud of her and at the same time I wanted to rush onto the ice and scoop her up.

Today I checked the team stats of the the team she will play against on January 30th (her first and hopefully last game between the pipes) to make sure they weren't too good a team. They aren't all that strong. I hope they have a particularly bad day.

A new school term - yay!

Sometimes I write posts that I don’t feel comfortable posting because they reveal the personal imperfections of my life. That life isn’t always roses and chocolates and that as much as I love him sometimes I want to brain my spouse with the nearest lamp. Things always sound harsher when written out. When I’m feeling vulnerable I just can’t put a post up like that and often I accomplish the mental exercise that blogging is for me by writing these posts and not posting them. Today I’ve written one of those posts and I will post it because I feel comfortable letting people know my life and my marriage isn’t perfect. I think I feel comfortable posting it because as imperfect as it is, I know it’s all right and that things are really fine.

Daniel started back to school yesterday. I thought I was dreading it. Last term seemed awful. For me, it was lonely and exhausting. I never saw him. I juggled almost all the kid and household responsibilities on my own. I felt like a shrew and a nag every time I had to ask him to do something that he should have been doing without prompting. I felt like I had three children. I only wanted two. The worst part was I don’t think he noticed what the rest of his family was enduring; he was too caught up in his own private hell.

Admittedly I’ve put A LOT of pressure on him. I didn’t agree with his decision to go back to school (for numerous good reasons) and in the middle of a nasty argument I told him so (I had kept that nugget bottled up for far to long as a result it could have been handled MUCH better). My parting words of “support” were something along the lines of “if you’re going to do this don’t screw it up… again (his extensive history with education – this is the 5th time he’s been to college - is less than stellar).”

Daniel isn’t a good student – although he did very well last term. He’s smart enough but he procrastinates terribly and he plans badly (when he plans at all). He’s up until 3 am every morning studying but then he spends what alone time he does have at home (golden time in my humble opinion) sleeping because he was up all night studying – duh! He has a bizarre moral code (i.e. they are allowed a “cheat” sheet for an exam but he doesn’t think its fair so he doesn’t prepare one? What’s that all about?). As an example of his planning skills – each week last term he had a test to complete before midnight on Sundays. So when would he start that test? 9 or 10 o’clock Sunday night at the very earliest; then he had to prep for his lab the next day. I have no idea what time he’d get to bed but never before 2 am. He had to be at school on Monday mornings for 8 which meant leaving the house no later that 5:45. It hurts my body to even think about. I don’t get it.

Yes, I was a procrastinator as a student to so maybe I shouldn’t be calling the kettle black but I also had no other responsibilities. I could afford to just do whatever I wanted. Who cared if I slept until noon and went to bed at 4 am? I don’t think Daniel can afford to follow these habits – I don’t think he realizes this… still… even after having completed an entire term. But he passed his classes last term and after my oh so helpful counsel last summer I’ve said VERY little about how he is choosing to go about this. It’s not my money (he has a job training grant that covers his tuition and books) and he’s a grown adult.

Still I have a demanding job. I’m doing that job as a single parent and I can get a little resentful. This term Daniel gets home after 7 pm a minimum of three nights a week (he rarely starts before noon). I’m almost positive that will slide to 4 nights a week with the odd 5th night where he NEEDS to go back to campus for x. I’ll pick the kids up from my parents’ house after work; feed them dinner; get piano practice, swimming lessons, homework, and/or hockey practice taken care of. I’ll do the bedtime routine. I’ll read stories. I’ll take care of all the forms and notes they bring home from school. I’ll organize lunch boxes. I’ll collapse into bed and then I’ll hear the rattle of the front door being opened. Last term it was mind numbing.

But last night, I picked the kids up; grabbed some almond guy ding and rice for dinner from the local Chinese take-out place. Fed the kids. Got homework and piano practice done and was washing the dishes when Daniel arrived home “early” at about 7:00 pm. I wasn’t expecting him. I was happy to see him but kind of disappointed because I was “in the zone.” Things were under control. I had developed a rhythm and I was content. I had a plan. Kid’s to bed – me to bed with a little TV. Ummm…. easier without him around? Yikes. Anyway it was the first time all day when I hadn’t dreaded the coming 16 weeks. Hmmmm…

My parents – my support last term, are leaving for 6 weeks in the Caribbean. They are our only source of childcare. The kids take the school bus to their house afterschool. I will need to shift my hours on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays to be home to meet the school bus. I’m hoping it stays quiet enough at work to make this doable. I will try to work 7:30 am – 300 pm and I have a very lovely blackberry (as my boss reminded me; yuck!). The 7:30 start will be hard to adjust to (means leaving home at 6:30 am in the cold dark dead of winter) but I’m looking forward to ALL that extra time in the afternoon. I’m looking forward to being home at 4:00 pm and cooking dinner and handling piano and homework in a normal and relaxed way.

Daniel’s class schedule means that my one night to myself a week – practice with our community concert band – may have to be sacrificed because we don’t have any other childcare. I’m not sure I mind. While, I enjoy those outings (and think they are good for me) after a long day at work it is always an effort to go. Still I might just go a little late each week (so that I put the kids to bed before leaving the house) and hire the twins across the street to watch the kids for a few hours.

I’ve planned for this term. I’ve planned to handle things on my own. I’ve planned to fill my own time with my own activities. I’ve planned not to rely on my husband for anything. I take incredible amounts of comfort in planning and after all that planning I guess there isn’t much to dread.

To a non-stressful year!

Happy New Year one and all! I had decided not to make any resolutions this year but changed my mind on New Year's eve. I had a revelation over the holidays that will hopefully make 2010 a less stressful year than 2009. It started with me being angry with my husband. Actually it started with PMS. I'm awful crabby around that time of the month. I know the cause but surprisingly that doesn't dampen my irrational anger any.

Christmas was kind of a downer this year. My Dad was upset that my aunt was alone in the hospital (although we did visit her for a couple of hours that afternoon). When Dad isn't happy if really takes the air out of the room. To make matters worse, Maya was sick with stomach flu. Nevertheless, I tried. I tried HARD. I made brunch for 12. I made dinner for 8. I planned for days. I shopped. I prepared. I cooked. It didn't change the mood. People ate... reluctantly. No one seemed to care. In the middle of dinner Maya (who was mercifully in her room at the time rather than at the table; luckily I was at her side to "help.") threw up everywhere. Daniel helped clean up and thereafter claimed he had lost his appetite and had no interest in the meal I had spent two days preparing. Thanks honey!

How does this impact my New Year's Resolution you ask? Well by New Year's Eve, all PMSy and having stewed over the endless leftovers for a week (if you cook for eight and only four eat there are LOTS left over) I had decided that no one really cares. I put a lot of pressure on myself to please. Things "should" be a specific way. I'm not sure others notice all that much. And if that's the case; why am a digging and early grave with effort and worry?

As an example, for Christmas dinner this year I took a Bartlet pear, sliced it into thin pieces, seasoned them and layered them between wax paper in the oven to bake them. Then I had to separate them from the flipping wax paper - not easy I was making a garnish for the cauliflower soup I served as a first course. It was delicious. The pears were great. Daniel pointed out that the soup would have been fine without them. Thanks honey! He's right; the soup was better with them (it was delicious) but no one would have noticed (save me) if I didn't make them.

The only one to notice (or compliment my hard work) throughout the holiday was little Sam (who probably had ulterior motives) and pronounced on the suppers I put together out of leftover one evening as "the best meal he's ever tasted." It was leftovers (hot turkey sandwiches with frozen corn on the side and packaged gravy). So ya, who needs Bartlett pear chips when there is boil in a bag corn?

My New Year's resolution: less is more. I'm just going to be lazy this year. Think more about what will be most expedient rather than what will be most spectacular. What will keep me sane and happy rather than what "should" be done. Its going to be more about me and I have to be less about perfection.


Its a sad resolution because I feel I'm giving up a little of what makes me me to follow it but I'm hoping that in the end it will leave me happier. By the end of 2009 I was frazzled. Hopefully by the end of 2010 I'll just be happy.