Well Aren't I One to Laugh At

So I agnonized over my decision all weekend and tied my own stomach in knots. Sunday night, sitting comfortably in my family room I made a decision: wasn't for us. I felt such a relief. A peace even until I got to work and told my co-workers. I'm such a suck. One of my co-workers made me follow through on my plan to call the guy who is filling the position now. On Tuesday, I had a LONG talk with him (he's an old friend and colleague) and I did a COMPLETE 180. Finished the conversation with him and went almost immediately to talk to our HR guy and tell him I wanted to go. And here's where is gets just sad.

He looks at me and basically says "Oh, didn't know you were interested. Here's the situation..." Oh so complicated now. As I expected, I got myself all excited and now the possibility of going looks decidedly thinner. I won't know anything until probably March. So now I sit on my hands and try not to peruse www.realtor.com.

And yes, Natalie, its schools like Lycée Rochambeau that makes moving to Washington so attractive. Thanks for the endorsement of the school and the area. Now I'm working really hard not to set myself up for disappointment. There is an even chance that I won't get the position now but who knows.

So I have a dilemma.

Some might find it a really cool dilemma. Me? It’s giving me an ulcer. My workplace is a little unique I think. Gonna give you guys the inside scoop. The Canadian government has about 100 or so “policy officers” working in the Department of National Defence. We all have advanced degrees relating to defence issues - history, political science, international relations etc. And we’re all expected to be generalists. That is we’re all expected to be able to provide policy advice on any issue that might affect Canada. In general we fill a particular post for 2 - 3 years and then we switch. Not really a lot of rhyme or reason to where we switch to. I went from being a desk officer (read policy advisor) in the Directorate of NATO Policy to being a speechwriter. Sometime before 2009 I expect to fill a different post, I have no idea what it might end up being. There is a possibility though. I could fill a nice position at our embassy in Washington.

It was offered to colleagues of mine ranked one position higher than I am. They ALL declined. So they went to the next level to see if anyone (all THREE of us!) were interested. Here are the cast of characters:

1. Me.
2. Patrick - single guy, mid-thirties, no family, not a home owner.
3. Corey - married to someone who has already declined the position, 2 kids one only months old

We were told it wasn’t a competition. Management would decide who was best for the post out of the “pool” (gotta laugh here) who expressed an interest. I dismissively assumed that Patrick should get his haircut for his new passport photo. Until I talked to Patrick. "Nope," he says, "gonna turn it down. Don’t want to move to a new city where I don’t know anyone." Okay … Easy assumption that Corey isn’t going to leave his wife and daughter and new baby to go on his own and she already said she didn’t want it. So do I want to throw my hat in the ring? They can choose to extend the individual who is there now a fourth year rather than take me considering I’m under ranked for the position so its not a shoe-in but they've asked.

The concept TERRIFIES me. I worried about it all last week. On Saturday sitting on the couch, watching television and living my predictable life I decided that I wasn’t going. I felt so relieved and so much better but I could hear a little niggly voice in the back of my head taunting “chicken! Pock! Pock! Pock!” over and over again.

There are some incredible pluses:

- I get to play diplomat for two years
- Free private school for the kids
- a really nice house steps away from some really cool Museums
- some great resume material.

There is a huge downside:

- the end of predictability (I LIKE predictability)
- I would know NO ONE!
- Kids would have to change schools and I love their school now (also Kamryn is going through a “shy” phase that is becoming a real struggle so uprooting her might not be the best thing
- Daniel may or may not be able to find gainful employment so we may be truly down to one salary (with allowances and cheaper US cost of living that might not be so terrible)
- My parents who live ten-minutes away and provide reliable FREE childcare would be eight hours away.

After I was born, I went home to a new apartment with my parents. At the age of three, we moved to their current home. I left for university and went all of two hours down the road. Grad school was 7 hours away but it was only for a year (8 months?). I moved out of my parents home into a condo that I lived in through my first year of marriage when we bought our current home - ten minutes away from my childhood home. I’m hardly a globe trotter. I can come up with a zillion excuses NOT to do this. But they really do sound like excuses.

They all unravel whenever I talk to my colleagues here. Daniel is no help and is just happy to do whatever I want to do (I think he secretly wants to go but doesn’t want to pressure me). When I’m not at home I’m more interested in going but then I get home to my comfortable little cocoon of a house ….

I’ve put in a call to the guy who has the job now so that I can pick his brain a little. I have until January 1st to make my decision. I may very well take that long. Ugh!

Maybe I'm a little bit angry

Sam’s birthmother gave birth to a baby girl on December 4th. Have I blogged about this. I believe that I have. It has in the past few days caused me some moral anguish. I worried about how to explain this to my two kids. This was a bridge that I didn’t expect (but should have) to cross. I certainly didn’t think his birthmother would be allowed to parent a child. But I was very wrong. They are home and doing fine and she is worried that we are angry with her because she had a baby after placing Sama for adoption. How awful is that? How could I be angry with her? Sadly I know that most of her family probably is. I know her mother is because she told us. I expect her step-father and step sister are because they are jerks. But what right do I have to be angry at her for doing what is her right as a human being?

She’s clean. She’s trying. I feel a little sorry for her. I’m not really sure she has the capacity to understand how difficult this is going to be for her. I most definitely feel sorry for the baby and the life it will probably lead. I’m not being judgmental really I’m being realistic. S* learned how to cook a meal for herself just recently. She didn’t graduate elementary school, much less high school and she has tried MANY times. She is on permanent disability because she doesn’t have the capacity to hold a job. Its not just that she’s poor. It’s that she is poor and hard work and determination aren’t going to overcome that … ever. Life isn’t going to get easier for her and she has shown in the past that when life gets difficult she doesn’t necessarily make the best choices. Love is a wonderful thing but, unfortunately, it can’t be the only thing.

I am somewhat relieved that the baby is a girl. I’m relieved for S*. Sam is a wonderful little boy but he’s a difficult little boy to parent. He is extremely enthusiastic about everything. He is hyper kinetic - he never stops talking or moving. I’m surprised he hasn’t starved to death because sitting still long enough to eat is a challenge. I wouldn’t be surprised if on starting school we were referred for testing to see if he is ADHD (I don’t think he is but it is a distinct possibility). He’s impulsive. He has a nasty and violent temper. He can really exhaust you. I’m an older Mom and this is my second child. I’ve been around the block a few times. I have access to research, books, online parenting groups etc. etc. etc. And at times over the last two years I’ve been at the end of my rope with him (MUCH better now). S* doesn’t have any of that (although she does have the oh so helpful Children’s Aid helping her out; don’t get me started on them!). I’m hoping a little girl will be a little easier to parent - although I understand the S* wasn’t all that easy and she was a girl so who knows. Sigh.

She also wanted to know what we would tell Sam. Would we tell him he has a new little sister? The answer to that is a resounding NO (controversial as that might be). I’ve thought a lot about this and am taking the advice someone on a message board gave me. He doesn’t have a new little sister since I’m not having any more kids. He has one sibling, his sister who he spent Sunday afternoon locked in our downstairs bathroom - because Maman we need to be somewhere REALLY dark to play with our glow stick. He has one sister who he asks about every three seconds when she is away from him. He has one sister who he torments on a regular basis.

His birthmother has a new baby. A baby that came from the same tummy he did. Someone who should be important to him. Someone I want him to know one day. Someone I will tell him about. But right now she’s not his little sister. He’s three. He’s not going to understand how he can have a sister that doesn’t live with him. I’m not going to explain it now. He’ll get it and ask about it eventually and I expect we’ll talk about it A LOT.

I’m not being secretive. Is this child who he will likely not meet for MANY years really his sister. This isn’t a realm in which I am completely unfamiliar. I have two brothers ( half brothers actually). They are significantly older than me;.I have met the younger of the two - once - a few weeks before my wedding. I didn’t know they even existed until I was 10 or so (and my parents didn’t tell me, my oh so helpful Grandmother did). They aren’t really my brothers. They are these two guys who share half my DNA. I barely know them. I’m mildly interested in meeting my oldest brother but really more out of curiosity than anything else. I don’t feel deprived. That’s just the way life left it. I always feel like I’m somehow a pretended when I tell anyone I have two brothers. I don’t even know when their birthdays are or really exactly how old they are (they are about 20 years older than me). If someone were to ask me if I had siblings I would say yes, a sister. In the end a sibling is more than DNA (and yes, I guess the difference is I share DNA with my sister but that’s not the end of the story). I’m not going to hide anything but I’m not going to candy coat things either. I guess I am a little angry. Not at S* though at the whole complicated situation. At the complications of an open adoption and the challenges of making these monumental decisions that will affect your child so profoundly in years to come. Yup, a little angry.

Shhhh... I'm a posting fool.

November is over and I'm still posting. When it was November I resented having to post everyday and now that they month is over I can't stop. I need to see a therapist.

We have entered a new era!

This morning Daniel and I slept in until 9:30. Well there wasn't much sleeping going on. Hey! Don't think like that. There wasn't much sleeping going on because the kids were in and out of our room announcing various victories. Like, I beat Sam at Candyland etc. Big surprise there. lol (On that note I hope my little sister never plays chess with anyone else).

Anyway we stayed in bed until 9:30 while our delightful (see how delightful I can find them while abrogating my parental responsibilities) children got up; got dressed and went to the kitchen to make THEMSELVES breakfast. At around 7:45 (what a delightfully late hour!) I heard them arguing in a stage whisper about how the other was about to get in trouble for waking us up. They left us completely alone and were relatively quiet until 8:20 or so. That was when the calls of I'm hungry started and I told them, in an annoyed mumble, to go and eat . I didn't really expect anything to happen except a loud wail from the kitchen that someone needed help but it never came. Although Kamryn did come flying into our room to complain because Sam had taken "her" bowl. She was equally delighted when I told her to use a "regular" (non-plastic non-kid-friendly) Now breakfast wasn't pancakes, eggs and sausage rather it was cold cereal and yogurt and they couldn't find the yogurt in the fridge so that part had to wait until Daniel dragged himself out of bed to see if our kitchen had survived intact. There weren't, surprisingly, huge puddles of milk in a trail from the fridge to the the table. Woohoo!

For months I have been slowly prepping Kamryn to serve her own breakfast. I generally let her retrieve her own cereal bowl and attempt to wrestle cereal into said bowl and sometimes I let her pour the milk. Sam's favorite phrase is (shouted in an urgent pleading for an end to parental involvement voice) "I know how," despite not having a clue. So he tries to participate as well. No matter, there is always a great deal of parental involvement. But not this morning. And it wasn't at all planned (had it truly been planned I would have made the yogurt more readily available). I just woke up with a lovely sinus headache and my tolerance level was, depending on your perspective, remarkably low or remarkably high.

Anyway, After 5 1/2 years I see sleep in my future (well at least on those days where there aren't 60 million classes and practices to get to). It feels good - freeing - the concept of sleeping-in.

Oh, another milestone we passed today - I heard for the very first time: "But Maman, we have NOTHING to do." This doesn't fill me with as much joy as say Kamryn's first steps. In her defence it was uttered (as she stood in a toy strewed room) after asking me if they could go to the park (indoor park at the mall - with the windchill, its -21 C (-6 F) out and they are calling a foot of snow today we aren't going to the neighbourhood park!). I said no, not because I'm a mean Mom but rather a really nice Mom who is taking my darling children (darling child #2 just bit darling child #1 on the back of the head) to see the movie Enchanted in an hour. I suspect, with the weather, the movie theatre is a bad place to be but what can I say - they made breakfast while letting me "sleep!"

It's good to have a kid and a mom eh?

This from Kamryn as we put up the Christmas tree together this morning. I had no idea what she was talking about. "Hunh," I said distractedly. I hate "building" our fake tree; I was fluffing branches and Kamryn was dutifully supplying me with the right ones.

She repeats herself: "It's good to have a kid and a mom, Maman, because the kid can help the mom." She of course meant in putting the tree together but she was right in so many more ways than that. She made me a little weepy.