You guys make me blush...

Thanks for the kind and encouraging comments about my writing. I've always liked to write but never thought I was much good at it. This job doesn't help either because you write something and then 4 levels of people look at it and tear it apart for what's wrong with it. You really question your abilities after awhile although intellectually I know that no matter how perfect a speech I write is someone I answer to is ALWAYS going to think they know how to make it better because that is their job. They need to make it better to justify their paycheck. It's actually the last "level" that is the worst because that's the Minister's office - ummm.... shhhhh! don't tell on me but they ALWAYS make it worse. Sometimes their changes are so bad that I hope no one knows that I wrote the original text because I don't want people to think that I wrote that "schlop."

Okay I'll post the piece I wrote (although now I'm terrified you will all read it - I think most of you have already actually - and wonder what kind of drugs I'm smoking that I believe someone would actaully publish it and give me money.) Note: I know it's too long but figured I would let an editor tell me that - maybe this is a mistake? I could cut five things; there are a couple (not 5 but a couple) of things on the list that were just there to make it "25 things long". Also, it's been edited for a Canadian audience as I'm only sending it to Canadian publications as I'm not sure it fits a US audience all that well - it's a little too critical.

Last summer my family (my husband, 3 year-old daughter, 1 year-old son and I) drove to Winnipeg, Manitoba from Ottawa, Ontario. We thought we’d drive through the US on our little family adventure. I was dreading the journey. I survived.

13 days (7 days of which were spent at our destination)
2 provinces
5 states
1 Mazda Tribute Red/Grey
2 adults
2 toddlers
12 Provincial Highways
25 US Interstates/Highways
5 hotels
4 border crossings
3400 miles/5440 km
1 speeding ticket (not mine! somewhat deserved although I’m not sure hubby didn’t get tricked into it as the speed limit must have changed 6 times in 2 miles.)
12 fill-ups
145 gallons/549.67 L of fuel

Twenty-Five Things I Learned on the Road Trip from Hell:

1. Driving from sun-up until well past sundown for 6 solid days in a well equipped but smallish SUV with two kids and a cranky husband will not kill you.

2. Staying in various hotel rooms for two weeks with two toddlers and a cranky husband might just kill you. I still need to make an appointment with the doctor to assess what damage was done.

3. There are some super nice customs agents out there. i.e. the Canadian customs officer who helped us document the electronics that we owned and were bringing into the States. He told us that we were of “no interest” to customs agents (who are instead looking for terrorists older than 3 and 14 months old) and that if anyone gave us any problems to give them his badge number and he would “deal with them.”

4. There are some customs agents who need a boot to the head. The U.S. Customs guy who made my husband take the slice of roast beef out of the sub he had with him for lunch and throw it away because of the ban on bringing beef into the US. He quite sarcastically told me when I pointed out that my husband was going to eat it in about 15 minutes that if he wanted to drive back to Canada to eat it that would be fine. He claimed that rather than eating his sandwich my husband could throw it away thus infecting the entire US with mad-cow – which was of course our mad plan. Foiled again! He made it worse by condescendingly asking us if we had heard of the ban on “importing” beef into the US and informing us that if it were a cow younger than two years than it would be all right. Ugh! (just so you know I’m not biased the customs agent on our trip into Michigan was more than pleasant).

5. The quality of the hotel stayed in (and they ability of the bottom bed sheet to remained properly tucked in) is inversely proportional to how long you have to stay there. It is in no way related to price you are paying.

6. That no matter how good your kids are being in the back seat you should say nothing about it out loud because if you do chaos will reign for the remainder of the day.

7. That US interstates are peppered with road signs and billboards that can be an entertaining diversion on a very long car drive.

8. That Canadian highways have comparably almost no billboards or road signs and that is a welcome relief after days of starring at billboards.

9. That there seems to be an obsession with the purchase of fireworks in the US. This as evidenced from all the billboard advertisements i.e. buy one, get six free, and Fireworks Superstores we saw along the highway. I don’t get it. I’m not sure you can even buy fireworks here. If you can I have no idea where – maybe we need more billboards and less boring trees.

10. That if you drive for hours and hours perusing, via billboard, the different fast food joints at which you may enjoy a “delectable” meal that the moment you decide you need to stop for food, gas, potty break etc. ALL evidence that there are any restaurants, gas stations, rest stops etc. will vanish from the earth for the next several hours.

11. Fill-up in Gary, Indiana because after that there are no readily available gas stations until you are most of the way through Chicago.

12. Related to the above. Our truck can go almost 600 km (360 miles) on one fill-up (60 litres/16 U.S. gallons). We didn’t know that previously.

13. American rest stops (at least in the states we traveled through) are AMAZING, in good weather. I suspect they would definitely suck in nasty weather - nicely appointed parks where a family could picnic abounded. The inverse is true for Canadian rest stops which might explain a lot considering the amount of nasty weather we can have.

As we had good weather all but one day the US ones win, hands down. Of course, you can’t buy real food at the U.S. Rest Stops which are only stocked with vending machines. That isn’t great but at least the kids can run around outdoors and burn off some energy and as an option there are a gazillion fast food places just off the highway which is less true when traveling down the Trans Canada Highway.

14. I do not care if I NEVER EVER enter a MacDonald’s EVER again. Actually I do care so I should restate this – My life’s goal is to never enter a MacDonald’s ever again.

15. Never potty train an almost 3-year-old right before a road-trip. Talk about total meltdowns whenever a “nap” induced accident or near-accident occurred.(yes, my almost 3-year old has very high standards for herself. What this meant was every time my daughter awoke from a nap there was a meltdown that invoked memories of 3-Mile Island and Chernobyl. This doesn’t happen when she has slept in a bed. I don’t know why this is, but I am grateful.)

16. If you ask the previously mentioned 3-year old if they need to use the bathroom the will insist they do not have to until 2.7 seconds (+ or – 3 seconds) after you pass the exit for the Rest Stop or nearest convenient exit. Next Rest Stop 60 miles!

17. 3-year olds (notice a trend here; and I thought the one-year old traveler was going to be the challenge) get bored and stiff in the car and will regularly claim to need to use the potty whether they need to or not. If you listen and stop every time they request it, you will NEVER get where you are going. As evidenced by day 4 on the road where a short 7 ½ hours of driving took almost 12). A “bathroom stop” schedule dictated by Mom (confidence buoyed by the convenience of Pull-Ups) is a necessity. Pity that I didn’t figure out this simple point until day 6 of driving. Duh!

18. 3 year-olds should always travel in Pull-ups. A lesson that thankfully we didn’t need to be taught but were grateful common sense dictated. Day one was good but it went downhill from there.

19. Kids will always fall asleep 5 minutes before you need to stop for food, gas, the night, etc. They will of course wake up the MOMENT the vehicle ceases forward motion with their 5 minute nap leaving them either refreshed enough to party all night when you desperately want to sleep or refreshed enough not to want to fall asleep again but as cranky as and octogenarian with hemorrhoids the size of oranges.

20. The “Weather Channel” in the U.S. does not hold a candle to Canada’s “Weather Network”. I feel sorry for all Americans. My husband explains that Americans are more well rounded than Canadians and not as obsessed with every factoid and detail about the past, present and future weather for their current location and any other location in the country they may visit in the next 3 years.

21. Crazy people in some U.S. states ride motorcycles without helmets. Why would one do that? Wouldn’t the wind mess your hair up anyways? Not to mention what the pavement might do to it.

22. Eating somewhat nutritious foods in a real restaurant instead of fast food junk might be good for the children (if they actually ate said food) but certainly does nothing for the other dining patrons or Mom and Dad’s sanity. I sat in the car with my daughter during dinner on day 2 after being hit in the head with mashed potatoes and gravy. I sat in the car with my son on day 4 after he threw pretty much everything he was given to eat on the floor. I sat in the car with … notice a trend.

23. Cheerios are a wonderful and necessary tool when dealing with slow service. Always walk with Cheerios.

24. Duty Free shops in Canada are entirely civilized, clearly marked and conveniently located. Duty Free shops in the U.S. remain a complete mystery to me. We kept missing them and those we found (note we crossed the border 4 times) were these odd warehouses with counters at which you placed an order to be picked up MILES away when you got to the actual border (maybe this is just a North Dakota/Michigan thing)?

25. No matter how much of a great time you have had and no matter how nice people have been to you there is such a feeling of relief and serenity at crossing your own border, back into your own province and country.