Really Long “Sam” Whine

This entry was originally a bulletin board post (I normally do this the other way round but didn't this time). I wrote it last week. This week he came home with a note from his teacher saying things are going better – go figure. I don't know what to do or where to go. Going to talk to our Family doctor on Friday regardless.

 

So the camel's back broke — in several places.

 

Sam is in trouble on the school bus AGAIN - I can't tell you how many times he has been in trouble since the school year started because I've lost track. The bus driver told my father (who met the bus) Tuesday that "this just can't continue." That was her way of giving a formal warning. He won't stay seated. He won't sit looking forward. And while yelling and benig generally disruptive he is also constantly reporting on what each and every OTHER child on the bus is doing. Seriously he's going to cause an accident.

 

Things in the classroom aren't much better. Although the teachers are at an advantage because we met with them before school started and coached them in what he needs. Clear, firm rules and consequences. He's not the only kid in the class and they can't watch him constantly. I was waiting/hoping that the teacher would raise the white flag first so that I could take Sam to the doctor and say "look here its not just us". Then Tuesday night, I spent some time going over his school agenda and all the flags are there in what she has written OVER and OVER and OVER again. Not to compare children (even though I'm going to but just to show that the teachers are reasonable as Kamryn isn't perfect) but in three years of school we've never gotten a negative note about Kamryn (in fact last night she had a note raving about the example she sets in class for others). Sam has been in school three months (exact same teacher as Kamryn had in JK) and he has five full pages with an average of 5 notes per page (although one note is really long). And all the notes basically say the same thing. He's been to the principal's office now twice. Daniel has been in to talk to the teacher once (because the volume of notes was getting a little out of control; she said he's working on his "problems"). We will have a formal meeting (Daniel's meeting was impromptu) with her when report cards come out in two weeks but I know exactly what she is going to say (and I'm not looking forward to hearing it). Interestingly at the beginning of the year she made a point of telling all the parents that "with 40 students in two classes, she didn't have the time to write notes and wouldn't unless there was something really pressing."

 

The school bus driver has had at least 6 discussions with us. We've tried punishment. We tried rewards. We've tried ignoring things. Now we're just going to yell for help. And before I get suggestions that maybe he's just not ready for school let me tell you that things at home... JUST AS BAD.

 

He has bad days and good days and on the good days things are so enjoyable (last night he cuddled up on the couch next to me while I was playing scrabble and contentedly prattled for an hour about his day pausing to read out the letters on the board and tell me I was going to lose ;)). On the bad days I just want to sob from frustration (this morning started off with him upending his ENTIRE breakfast (wasn't an accident! He was trying to be funny by holding the bowl upside down?!?) on the floor and then claiming innocently how he didn't do anything – ummm…. Did he think I wouldn't notice?). I'm exhausted and I'm frustrated.

 

He can be the most charming kid one moment and the next ... its just hard. For the entire family (including Sam who I believe really wants to "be good"). The comment we get from school most often is that he is trying really hard (and failing really dismally). The word used most often in his school Agenda is that he is "impulsive."

 

Sam's birthmother was diagnosed with severe ADHD as a child. Her mother claims it was a misdiagnosis and that what she suffers from is a brain injury. I would argue that despite the brain injury, the ADHD may have been/is an underlying condition. Also and possibly unrelated - his birthmother is an addict (drugs and alcohol) she didn't stop using (drugs not alcohol) until she was around 5 months along. Sam was followed VERY carefully for delays as an infant and has never had ANY. In fact his physical coordination is well ahead of his peers. He speaks two languages and academically he's perfectly where he is supposed to be.

 

But he has been a behavioural challenge since the very first hour he joined our family (at a year old). You would think we were the meanest parents on the block to watch us with him. He's on a VERY short leash but if you let it out even a little you've lost him (i.e. at 4 ½ he rides in the cart at the grocery store because it's the only way to ensure the entire trip isn't spent telling him: "don't touch this, don't touch that, come here, stop running, if you continue to twirl around you're going to hurt someone, no don't open that!".

 

We've suspected for many years that "sometime in the future" an ADHD diagnosis may be in order but I've always read that until the age of 6 it is not really possible to diagnose so I have never mentioned anything to our family doctor (that may come back to bite me). I've been waiting. I've tried to be patient but we are ALL miserable. I can't wait any longer. We need to do something now! I was going to call and make an appointment but have decided to wait until we see the doctor for his flue shot next Friday and ask her if he needs to be present or if we should just talk private. I'm terrified that she will tell me that we have to wait another year and a half to put him on a waiting list for even an evaluation. With our socialized medical care system I'm certain there is a waiting list and that its not short. I've made some inquiries on another board and been told that in Canada generally they don't evaluate kids until the age of 7 and that the school won't get involved until 3rd of 4th grade (by then Sam will have been expelled I fear. He certainly won't have any friends and will be "one of THOSE kids".).

 

I knew nothing about ADHD prior to Tuesday night when I actively started reading up on it. Denial is a strange thing – don't ask, don't tell. I'm stunned by the list of symptoms and how many things describe Sam's behaviour. The big one that got me was excessive crying. I thought he was just that kind of a kid (he cries constantly, loudly and for every little thing imaginable. It's his most annoying trait). It never occurred to me that it could be something beyond his control. For years I've been telling myself that he is all right. He can sit for instance, for an hour and work on a puzzle or play with his cars or even reading a book. Supposedly that's totally normal in ADHD kids as well - who knew.

 

This is a list of symptoms that I found on one site. There is only one thing on the list (loses things) that if asked to fill out a questionnaire I wouldn't mark as "strongly agree." I'm a little stunned I tell you.

 

1. Fidgets with hands or feet

2. Squirms in seat

3. Difficulty remaining seated

4. Easily distracted

5. Difficulty awaiting turn in games or group situations

6. Gives answers to questions before they are completed

7. Difficulty following instructions from others

8. Difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities

9. Shifts from one uncompleted task to another

10. Difficulty playing quietly

11. Talks excessively

12. Interrupts others

13. Does not seem to listen

14. Loses things

15. Engages in physically dangerous activities without considering the possible consequences

 

Anyway, wish us luck. I'm hoping the doctor will at least be willing to entertain our desperate need for some time of expert help. You know I'm honestly all right with being miserable with him at home (awful thing to say I know). It just kills me not to be able to run interference for him (which I realize now I've been doing for years) outside the home so that people don't prejudge him as an awful little boy.