Somehow I ended up talking about Discipline

So I decided last week that in the interests of not letting this blog die that I would post every Wednesday night. Wednesday’s Daniel has volleyball and I’m generally home alone. He hasn’t gone in the last two weeks. Last week he claimed he was sore/tired (I think he just couldn’t be bothered lol). This week I think he’s not going because of Valentine’s Day. I’m proud of myself for not being all passive-aggressive about the whole thing. I didn’t want him to go but as per my standard Operation procedures, I wasn’t going to say anything I was just going to wait and see. I was going to buy special stuff for a Valentine’s dinner and then just not cook it when he ran into the house and then dashed off for Volleyball.

I do that and it doesn’t help anything. When I’m mad I just pout about and wait for him to guess what I might be mad about. Then I get all anxious and upset and I don’t sleep and nothing gets accomplished and that’s just not very effective. It’s stupid. So I’m talking to him before I get that worked up. It works so much better AND I sleep at night; isn’t that cool? I still agonize about bringing things up first though. I’m a fool. You’d think after almost 11 years I wouldn’t worry about what Daniel’s reaction will be whenever I’m angry with him. I can still remember our first fight. I don’t know what it was about at all. I do remember calling and leaving an angry message on his answering machine and then having to lie down because I was having an anxiety attack. Lol I don’t know how my brain got this screwed up that I am so incapable of letting anyone (it’s not just Daniel) know that they have upset me.

An old friend of mine once told me that I worry too much about what other people think. Yup, I do. Can’t change that. I want people to like me and my self-esteem isn’t what it should be (I can understand easily why people don’t like me; I don’t think I’m unlikable but I can see my own annoying traits I’m just powerless to change them) so I constantly look for validation.

Did my parents do this to me? I think they might have. They tried but they were strict and had high standards and I don’t think they often told me outright that I was doing well even when I was. They were big into negative discipline. Positive… not their thing.

I try to be a little more balanced with my kids. Yup we have our share of negative discipline. Some days the kids live in time-outs and when they aren’t in time-out one of their toys probably is. While I try there is yelling in out house (Daniel doesn’t try much at all much to my annoyance). Still, I am free with praise. I compliment the smallest things (i.e. Sam hanging up his coat when he comes in the house; children eating without whining throughout the meal, Kamryn saying her prayers like a little girl instead of a rabid weasel high on crack etc.) I think it works as effectively as negative discipline (oh I definitely believe negative discipline has its place as well).

We’re also big into choices right now. Was that I good choice? What happened when you made that choice? Are you going to make that choice again? I’m never going to have to tell Sam for instance to not climb on the footboard of my bed because yesterday morning his little stockinged feet slipped and he thumped his chin but good. There was much crying and on top of all that there was a discussion about choices from me that I know he didn’t enjoy much at all. Been telling him for weeks that he shouldn’t climb on it – yesterday he learned why. This seems to work rather well and it’s a new approach we’ve taken. My neighbour was discussing this approach to discipline the other day with me. She has a son much like Sam – an angel who if you blink fast morphs into a holy terror. Lol Her son turned 4 today and he’s my inspiration. He’s such a sweet, polite and well-behaved little boy. I sooooooo remember how much of a handful he was at Sam’s age. I have faith that we will survive the preschool years. Lol

You know whenever I think about discipline, I think back to our Dear birthparent letter: When I wrote it so long ago, I was trying to impress birthparents. I read and researched and looked at other people’s letters and yes, I wanted to tell them about me but mostly I just wanted to impress them so they’d pick me. I never thought that once we had adopted that I would ever think back to the letter — that contract — ever again. I think of it often though. Especially the following line: “We believe the most important thing we can give your child is a strong sense of self and the confidence to one day go out into the world happy, confident and successful.” Ever so often I find myself consciously (I hope I do it unconsciously as well) working towards that goal and I’m a little proud of myself. Ever so often I give myself a little pat on the back for doing things almost right (sometimes I’m well aware I’m a also complete screw-up lol).

I feel a certain responsibility not just because I’m moulding these little people so that she will one day go forth in the world as productive citizens but also because someone else had the faith to entrust them to me and I promised them that I would do my best.

On a somewhat related note (but mostly because I want to brag even though I personally didn’t do anything but pick the right school) Kamryn’s school was on the front page of the City section of our local paper last week. It was ranked #1 in the province (tied actually with 37 other schools) out of 2812 elementary schools. The Frasier Institute’s Report Card on Ontario's Elementary Schools: 2007 Edition rates 2,812 English and French, public and separate elementary schools from across Ontario based on nine key indicators derived from province-wide tests of reading, writing, and mathematics skills administered by the province’s Education Quality and Accountability Office. A small number of private schools are also included. Each school is assigned a rating out of 10. Kamryn’s school got a perfect 10! (okay, I read the study and I don’t really understand how they come up with that number but perfect is perfect lol) It’s the first year they have been included in the study (they were too small a school in the past as 15 students from grades 3 and 6 must be tested in order to be included). I feel vindicated as a parent for having chosen this school even though there are so many good schools MUCH nearer to our home (our neighbourhood school was ranked 535th with a score of 7.9 which isn’t too shabby either but not a perfect 10). :)

Okay, I’ve written this at work and I will post it when I get home tonight despite it being Valentines Day and having Daniel at home instead of at Volleyball. See you next week – same bat time, same bat place.