There need to be better laws concerning adoption

So we had dinner at Daniel’s sister’s on Friday. I hate going to their place for meals. Pre-kids it was because Daniel always abandonned me chit chatting with his sister and brother-in-law while he went and rough housed with our niece and nephews. I hate chit chat but its worse with people I really have NOTHING to chit chat about with). Post-kids it was because it is SUCH a huge hassle. The house isn’t all that big and there are plenty of things for active pre-schoolers to break. Now they have this Golden Retriever "Puppy" running about (in this tiny house) that Sam is terrifed of and that keeps trying to sniff me - yuck. Also the chit chat hasn’t improved much.

On Friday though they wanted to ask about adoption. Specifially Sam’s adoption and how “final”it was. They have never shown much interest before now. It was odd until the trigger was revealed. There is a new adoption story in the news. Sigh. I didn't catch it until the 11 o'clock news last night because I've been ducking the news over the holdiays. No one ever seems to do stories about good adoption outcomes but then again those would be boring. Two parents desperate for a child adopt a lovely baby whose birthparent can’t parent for whatever reason. Birthparent and adoptive parents maintain a good healthy relationship. The child grows up happy. The end. Can’t get more boring than that. There are however lots of juicy bad adoption stories going around.

In Ontario, when birthparents place a child for adoption, they cannot sign anything until a full 7 days after a child is born not counting day 1 – so 8 days (in Kamryn’s case she was born on a Friday and there was a holiday on what would have been day 8 so it ended up being 11 days). After they have signed over their parental rights they have, again, a full 28 days during which they can change their minds. Birthparent counselling is mandated by law and is paid for by the adoptive parents through their adoption agency. It is against the law for the birthparent to receive ANYTHING from adoptive parents directly – no expenses, no renumeration, no medical bills (although the state generally covers those anyways) -- nada. Adoptions fail here like they do everywhere but I think it happens less often than other places and the horror stories are rare. Now we seem to have imported one – a horror story that is.

The awful thing is, I think the birthmother has been wronged; and while kidnapping her children probably not the best course of action she could have taken, I can see myself doing the exact same thing. She has arrived in our fair city from North Carolina (I think) after kidnapping her 17 month-old twins whom she had visitation rights with. She is 48 and got pregnant through artificial insemination. When the twins were born she was ill and depressed and was convinced (so her lawyer says) to place the children for adoption. She did so twice and changed her mind twice within 12 hours of placing them. For some reason the second time she changed her mind the children were not returned to her. I don’t know her medical (physical or mental) history but the children were not seized she voluntarily relinquished her rights and then changed her mind – within 12 hours! Those children should NEVER have been placed with an adoptive family and I can’t believe that it has reached this stage.

More will be revealled in the coming weeks I’m sure. The children’s adoptive parents were due to arrive in town today and I expect their side of the story will be on the news tonight. In any case a 48 hour cooling off period (hey birthmom didn't even make it through that) is not sufficient for a birthparent to make a decision like this. As hard as waiting over a month for a birthparent to be sure of his or her decision is, that really is fair amount of time. I’ve waited that long twice and I’d do it again. I can’t imagine the nightmare that is unrolling right now. There are however lots of juicy bad adoption stories going around.

It’s stories like this that make good people who would be good parents afraid to pursue adoption. It’s stories like this that make adoptive parents look like predators. It’s stories like this that give fodder to all the anti-adoption sites out there. I’m really angry about this. Better laws… there should be better laws.

As a completely separate aside, I e-mailed Sam’s birthfather over a week ago and heard (as I sadly expected) nothing. :(