More musing on my guilt and how lucky our family is.

I talked about that night in the bar when I stared at the TV. That night something HUGE happened. I guess ALL my neighbours got taught a lesson. We are all sitting there crammed into the booth. When the chat turned to the convenience of pregnancy one of my neighbours (oddly she lives next to the neighbour I wrote about last time) exchanged a funny look with me. A kind of “the are such idiots” look. It was quick and fast and confused the living daylights out of me (since no one ever understands really and she looked like she did) for a little while. Mystery was soon revealed though as they turned (like wild hyenas on the hunt)and started peppering her with when her and her husband were going to start having kids. Never, I will NEVER ask anyone when they “plan” to start their family (I was as guilty as the next guy before I met the infertility goddess). She looked down at the table for a few minutes and then she burst into tears and said “R and I can’t have babies.” Everyone shut up.

She went on to reveal later in the conversation that her and her husband were looking into adoption. Over the next few weeks I rendered all the help I could. I told her my door was open if she wanted to chat or needed any help. I recommended books she should read and people she should talk to. I sent her web site addresses. I was like a living breathing information booth. She sent me a few e-mails and we chatted a teensy bit when we saw one another but once they had found and agency and knew what they wanted to do, my mentoring job came to an abrupt end as it was obvious she really didn’t want a mentor. So I backed off. They pretty much disappeared. They have really withdrawn from neighbourhood activities. I know why; same reason I withdrew from babyshowers. We really live in helltown if you’re infertile. When we moved here 6 years ago everyone was relatively newly married (the couple I am speaking of got married a few months after they moved in) and no one had any children. Since then 16 children have been born or adopted (mine) in houses within 6 doors (both sides of the street) of mine. It’s got to be hellish. Kamryn was baby #4 or I’d probably be a complete basket case by now. All street activities are centered around this mass of preschoolers, toddlers and infants. We all sit out on our front lawns and chat as the kids play in the driveways. No wonder that this couple lives in their basement! Really NICE people too (didn’t ya know that only nice people have infertility problems lol). Mom-to-be is a preschool teacher. For YEARS she has been the one giving Mommy advice to everyone because she was the most experienced. Ugh!


So wouldn’t ya know they decided to adopt from Russia. They told me that they didn’t want to wait for domestic adoption. I don’t know because I know we aren’t the typical waiting family but I really think people have the wrong idea of the wait. As I said though I have no idea. They wanted a Caucasian baby as they felt their child would have enough to deal with (they are kind of an interesting couple. Husband is 5’6” and wife is 6’1”, husband is francophone, wife Anglophone) without also being a different race. Or maybe they just said that so I would not think they were prejudiced – little did they know how normal I think their desire was. There is a good reason Sam and Kamryn are biracial and not Caucasian or black; I didn’t want my family to have to deal with the overt challenge that comes with interracial adoption either although I respect those that CAN do it. Anyway they choose Russia.

Right after they told me this I heard Russia was closed although my sources were US sources so I didn’t know the real story for Canadians. It didn’t sound good though. I asked them about it and they gave kind of an incomplete answer that I didn’t push because at this point they had to know more than me. I am a font of information (god I'll talk your ear off) on those subjects I have some knowledge of; I do know when to shut up though. When our social worker came for her last visit for Sam’s adoption (so this February) I mentioned it to her and she winced noticeably. Ugh! It’s been 2 years since that conversation in the bar and no sign of any baby anytime soon.

Their’s is the house I see when I look out my front window. I’m not sure what is going on with them. They were the first neighbours on our doorstep with a coming home present for both Kamryn and Sam. I haven’t seen the wife since last fall maybe. I see R more often because he was out this winter snow blowing the driveway and when I was working (and soon will be again) I used to bump into him at the bus stop. I don’t want to ask (if I ever actually saw them!) because I know answering can be very hard when nothing is happening. Still I really would like to offer support. They had talked about maybe having a baby home for last Christmas. I feel bad once again. Not the fairest world we live in.