Meltdowns (maybe I should have a couple)

Okay as you may have gathered, I am back to work. VERY different than when I returned to work after Kamryn. I was so looking forward to returning. When I went back after Kamryn, that first week, whenever anyone asked how it was it was all I could do not to burst into tears having left my baby behind. This time, I was apprehensive about how I was going to handle things (so far it’s not going too badly) but the break is nice. Staying home with two kids under 4 is really hard especially when one of them is particularly demanding.

Yesterday I went back to read the journal entry on the first day we brought Sam home. It made me feel so much better – I’ll reprint part of it here.

So Sam arrived on 6th at around 2 in the afternoon. It was awful day. He cried and cried and cried some more. It was HOT! He was tired having missed his afternoon nap and apparently not eaten much of anything on the drive up (I have no idea why they didn't feed him). The house was filled with confusion and people. If I were a year old I would have melted down to. We gave him and Kamryn a bath together supposedly because he loved baths. He screamed through the whole thing but went down to bed all right. Ugh! His grandmother actually told the social worker as she drove her to the place she was spending the night that she was afraid we'd change our minds because he was crying so much (no real chance of that happening.

I was worrying that maybe we have some how damaged him. He is so happy and funny and enjoyable to be with when he is engaged in an activity that he enjoys but if you interrupt that activity either because it time to do something else (eat, sleep, go somewhere) or the activity is a danger to his life he completely melts down and is uncontrollable. He screams and cries and screams and cries and screams and cries some more. He is inconsolable and you can’t distract him with something else (i.e. If you give him a toy he will throw it at you with all the force he can muster). I kept asking myself if this was a behavior we have taught him. I know it’s just who he is and I know he has always been like this but it’s hard not to question yourself. It was such a relief to see what I wrote that first week we had him. I now understand what I was seeing then a little better. Yes it was the situation but to a large extent it was just HIM. He has gotten better but it’s so hard.

On Sunday, Daniel was working and it was pouring rain out so we drove Daniel to work and then I took the kids to the mall. The mall wasn’t opened yet so I figured we’d just take a little walk. I let Sam out of his stroller. I shouldn’t have. He does so much better with strict boundaries/controls but how’s he ever going to get any exercise if I keep him tied down. He is running and playing with Kamryn. The first store ride they see they are all over. I let them play for awhile as we aren’t really there for any reason but to let them do just that. After awhile, as I see Sam start to spiral into overexcitedness I move them along. They are good until the next set of mall rides. I let them play again. Sam starts to ramp up and he’s getting more and more kinetic. He’s bouncing from one ride to the next, not staying on any one (there were a cluster of 4) for longer than 10 seconds. I was getting tired of helping him up and then helping him down two seconds later. And it was almost like he was approaching an fit of agitation. So we moved on.

We walked for a few metres, I was holding his hand in an attempt to reign him in. He didn’t want to hold my hand and started crying and pulling away. Then he pretended he wanted to hold the stroller (this boy of mine is SMART!) So I let him hold the stroller. He holds the handle for about a second and a half and then he gets this little grin and bolts. Stupid mommy let him do this twice before I put him in the stroller. Total meltdown now. Screaming, crying, yelling at the top of his little lungs “Maman, march” (Mommy, walk) as if I’m torturing him. This is all my fault. Sigh. Had I left him in the stroller to start off with he would likely have remained calm but no I had to let him walk and play. No we’re not making a spectacle of ourselves at all. lol I’m not letting him out of the stroller because I know what he will do. He will bolt again. He doesn’t really learn. So we walk the indomitable length of the mall with him screaming and everyone staring at us. I go down to the parking garage (he’s still screaming). I put him in his car seat (still screaming) and I leave the stroller next to the car and go and sit on a bench in front of the car with Kamryn while he continues to scream. This man comes out of the mall, hears Sam screaming though the closed and locked car. Looks at the stroller, peers though our tinted windows at the screaming child and finally turns around and sees me – I told him he’s mine and I know he is screaming. Man says nothing and just walks away. Sigh. Now I’m really feeling like Bad Mommy #1. It’s what he needs though. I go and have a pointless “conversation” with him as he sobs about behaving and sitting in his stroller (I do it because I just can’t give in but you have to give in because he will simply scream until he falls asleep). I tell him that if he stops screaming he can get back to the mall. He stops – kind of. The whole incident from first scream to last – 40 minutes. In a PUCLIC PLACE (we would have just gone home except Kamryn doesn’t deserve to be punished just because her brother is out of control). Ugh! I put him in his stroller and he is FINE for the remainder of the morning. Shopped, took them to the mall’s indoor park etc. When it was time to leave the park he did so happily and without protest. I don’t get it.

We went out to a friend's for dinner that evening. He was destroying the people’s house (and they have two kids of their own so it’s pretty much child proofed) so I take him and make him sit on my lap – more screaming, kicking, and fighting. It was embarrassing. Thankfully Daniel (who was coming late as he was working) called at that moment and I excused myself to go and pick Daniel up at the bus station. I took the little “tornado” (as our host called him and she was right!) with me because taking him out of the situation was the only way to break the tantrum. He screamed throughout the 5 minute drive to the bus station and then was somewhat out of control for the remainder of the evening but Daniel was their to tag team with me so it was easier. That’s a typical day with Sam.
He does better with Daniel. I’m easier to manipulate maybe? Not to say he doesn’t melt down but his meltdowns have a beginning, a middle, and an end. With me the end never seems to come. He just screams and screams. Sigh. Work gives me a respite and it’s easier to deal with his challenges this way.

Daniel has been working weekends of late and having his “weekend” in the middle of the week (this sucks IMHO as we are never off together but is better for the kids so we persevere). It should be interesting to see if his behavior changes spending time with his father rather than me being around all the time.