From the Sublime to the Utterly ridiculous

I mentioned the shoes in my last entry... Well yesterday we got a package in the mail from Striderite.



They have GOT to be kidding. I totally cracked up. It is rather wasteful though. What in tarnation are we supposed to do with all these stupid flowers. We have 17! I called my friend (party host) and told her she could keep the one she found as a gift from us or we'd have 18!

Our Striderite Saga

Kamryn has these shoes:



Note the attractive flower buckle. It is in reality not a buckle but simply there as an ornament. The strap is fastened using velcro. The flower simply slips over the strap and the velcro in theory holds it in place.

This would work wonderfully if I was parenting an angelic and sedate little princess. What I have instead is a cross between Denise the Menace and the Tasmanian Devil (wouldn't change her ... most days lol). The velcro strap keeps the shoes on but often does not stay in place well enough to keep the flower on and said flower has dropped off a couple of times. I'm generally around to find it quickly.

Last Saturday we were at a party (adult party; where we foolishly brought the kids with permission of the host and EVERY intention of leaving before 9 which we did). Kamryn had a ball. There was a little girl there just a bit older than her and the two got on like gang busters and spent the two hours or so we were there playing hide and seek and tag and all sorts of other preschool games. The party was at a large house and Kamryn fell on some ice in the dark when we were leaving (these facts will readily become relevant). When we got home she was short exactly one flower. Sigh.

I figured it was toast. The computer was on (when is it not) so I e-mailed Striderite for help. I explained the situation and asked about purchasing (ha! As if I was really going to do that? Couldn't be presumptuous though) a pair of the flowers. While we waited, I called our host and mentioned the lost flower and we drove by her home and scouted outside JUST in case the flower had fallen off during Kamryn's tumble. No joy.

Promptly on Monday morning Striderite answered my e-mail, volunteering (as I had expected and would have been put out had they not) to send me a complimentary set. I was pleased with the customer service and told them as much. :) Then I told them I lived in Canada. Tears all around (not really). Bottom line was though they couldn't ship to Canada. Not a huge problem I thought I know enough people with addresses in the U.S. to impose upon but they offered and easier solution - a Canadian customer service toll free number. So I called. They were equally as helpful (if a little more confused - it was an ODD conversation to say the least; I think I knew the product better than they did) and offered to send me a pair of the flowers which they implied were just sitting in a bin right next to their phone waiting for just such a call as mine. I gave them my name and address and took the helpful customer service representative's name. Okay that was Tuesday. Wednesday we went out shopping for new shoes for Sam. While we were at the store which happened to be the same store in which I purchased Kamryn's shoes I asked non-chalantly about replacement flowers. They had some, did I want them. Ummmm.... sure. So we got flowers. I happily put them on her shoes when I got home. So now I have new flowers, flowers in the mail and one spare old flower. Hey April showers ... Today the host of last week's party calls. Guess what? She found the flower. So now we have SIX little metal flowers. Nuts.

As an interesting aside, I must take a picture of the shoes we bought for Sam in comparison to the shoes he had been wearing uncomplainingly. Lordy!





In our defence, these weren't shoes he wore often as they were his "Sunday-go-to-meeting" shoes and he doesn't go anywhere most Sundays AND the new ones are intentionally a little to big to give him room to grow. Still, I felt a little bad. He didn't complain even once - honest!

Embarassed By How Easy "Having" Kids Was

You know as much as we struggled to build our family I never thought I would feel guilty about what we have. Well not guilty per se but you will see what I mean. Two weeks ago my across the street neighbour gave birth to a little girl, who they named Carissa, at 26 weeks. She weighed barely a pound and only lived long enough for them to say their good byes. Obviously they are devastated. They have an older boy who is 7 weeks older than Kamryn.

When he was about a year old they started trying for #2. They were annoyingly cavalier about it. I wanted to just yell at her on more than one occasion. I remember sitting in a neighbourhood bar one evening watching television and trying to ignore the conversation while all the neighbourhood ladies chatted (I stared hard at the TV because it was the ONLY way not to cry). She used to say things like “well, if I don’t get pregnant this month it will be a pain because if a baby were to be born in such and such a month yadda yadda yadda...” Okay I understand they joy of being able to plan a pregnancy but I don’t want to hear about how a baby would be inconvenient. “Just be damn happy you can get pregnant at all” is what I was thinking as I quietly seethed. Well she got pregnant at a convenient time for her, announced her pregnancy before the pee dried on the stick and miscarried at around 11 weeks or so. I felt bad for her but part of me was thinking of that evening and her pontifications about “convenience” (okay so this is partially the source of my guilt; while I in no way think anyone DESERVES to go through a miscarriage, at the time, it did cross my mind that she had been taught a harsh lesson).

It wasn’t convenient for them to try again for a while – I know all the reasons because she elaborated them in great detail with pregnancy #2. A while later, she got pregnant again. No fanfare or announcements this time. She quietly commented to me that she was pregnant. Both her, and my next-door neighbour were pregnant together. She miscarried before she started to show. :( Every time I look at my next-door neighbour’s little girl I imagine the painful memories she must engender for across the street neighbour. What was and what will never be.

So it’s cold here and after Halloween we generally don’t see much of the neighbours. You wave as you dart in and out of cars, you chat briefly while shoveling the driveway, but long deep conversations are few and far between. We never got around to having our annual New Year’s Eve Street party this year either. A couple of times I looked at my neighbour and thought she looked like she was putting on some weight. I wondered but said nothing because good grief I’d hate to be wrong! In February my next-door neighbour had a birthday party for her son and for the first time, to me, it was obvious – no heavy coats to peer through and well she was in her second trimester heading into her third. We chatted a little. She was so cautious about her “little one”. So different than before. There was no confidence and that was very sad (no pleasing me I guess). But she was sooooooo far along. I didn’t think twice about the risks and I really should know better. My thoughts were about what to buy her baby when they brought her home; that and trying to guesstimate her due date based on the size of her belly because I didn’t want to ask outright. Her belly really was the elephant in the room. Nothing like a normal pregnant lady - averted eyes and let’s chat about anything but the pregnancy. It was a little bizarre. I’ll also admit that I was a little jealous but that part of me isn’t so ravenous anymore. We’re content with our family.

Her early delivery was unexpected. They’d had an amniocentesis at 20 weeks and it was COMPLETELY normal. The baby was measuring a little small but it wasn’t a huge concern. It should have been although there isn’t anything anyone could have done. Her autopsy showed that she was small because a “venous cord insertion” was starving her of nutrients. She was perfect. :( No one could have fixed it and nothing could have been done. It was a freak occurrence. That doesn’t make it easier to deal with.

So here we are. When Paul, her son, was born we had no idea that Kamryn would ever exist. I didn’t go to her baby shower, just sent a present and made an excuse, because I couldn’t handle it. When he came home I remember visiting and being so jealous – completely oblivious to what the future held for us. He was a month old when we began to even hope we would get matched with Kamryn’s birthmother. Kamryn and Paul are good buddies. They are so close in age and play well together. It occurs to me that they must have been trying to get pregnant when we brought Sam home last summer. With the weather warming up now and the kids outside once again playing, I found myself standing in the driveway last week, with my neighbour, as Paul, Kamryn and Sam tore around – being kids and I felt bad that their weren’t four or five kids there. Embarrassed for my two and how “easy” it was for us. Then I smack myself in the head and ask whom am I kidding and then I go back to realizing how easy it was for us. Sigh.

Well... No More Babies

Today we hit a milestone that I'm a little sad about because it is really driving home that Sam isn't a baby anymore. Duh! You might say as I often do (internally) when I hear people bemoan that their 3-year-old has abandonned the last vestiges of babyhood. Now that I'm here I understand a little more what those Moms were saying/feeling. He's our last and we had so little of his babyhood as it was. Only now that I see it fading (and fast!) am I understanding how much we missed. He was walking within weeks of coming home so not a lot of infant left in him even then.

Anyway, back to milestones. Today we took the kids to the indoor play yard at the local mall. They LOVE to go there and we are there once or twice a week, sometimes more. There is a special toddler area where I always encourage Sam to stay in. He doesn't. He wants to follow his big sis around. The kid area has a sizeable play structure and two slides. Access is gained via a slippery ramp at one end or some giant steps (3 feet or so in height) at the other. I maintained that while I wouldn't help him up at either end, once he could negotiate the entrances on his own he was free to climb on up. Until today, he couldn't and would spend his time running happily on the floor level. Today he made it up the ramp. Slow and steady and with lots of glances at me as he negotiated the slippery rise. That was the first time up. By the second he was just flying. He had a great time and it wasn't as impossible to get him down when we wanted to leave as I'd anticipated (parents aren't allowed to climb on the structure so if Johnny won't come when called you are S.O.L.)

As I watched him run about happily and so VERY proud of himself it hit hard that there is very little baby left in my baby. I'm pretty proud of him though and I still got to carry my exhausted little one up to his crib when we got home as he passed out the moment the car started moving in a forward direction. For now, I'll hold on to that.

Who has abducted the boy I know and love.

I had the oddest of mornings with my little man. I know I have complained here about our music class. I HATE going. Sam is always out of control. He melts down about 80 times a class. We often have to leave and stand in the hall and ALL the other kids always seemed so well behaved. It’s exhausting. It’s embarrassing and it’s somewhat worrisome. He just doesn’t seem normal when we’re at that class. I think he IS normal, just spirited, but it’s hard to believe after that class. This morning I was particularly dreading going.

Let me drift back in time a little. Yesterday, Kamryn had a play date with Jordan, her best buddy. We dropped her off at 10 am and Daniel, Sam and I went to the mall to just hang out and be out of the house. At around 11 we stopped for coffee. Sam sipped some milk and munched on one breadstick. We left to pick Kamryn up for 1 pm. Sam crashed in the car – not having had any lunch. I figured either he would wake up when we got home and I would feed him then or he would sleep through until around 2 ish and then wake starving. He was soundly asleep when we got home so I put him down. He didn’t wake up until after 4! (we had been out extra late with him the night before so he was tired) I figured he had to be hungry so I immediately served him his dinner (don’t normally eat until around 6). I cut up some roast chicken for him and offered nothing else since I anticipated a battle. I wasn’t wrong. He wanted nothing to do with the roast chicken and asked to be let down. So I did. He didn’t ask for anything else. At 6 when I was serving everyone else I again offered the roast chicken along with some broccoli because that is what everyone else was having (we had hot chicken sandwiches). Had he eaten one piece of chicken (just one!) I would have given him a slice of bread as well. Never got that far. He ate the broccoli and then told me he was done. He refused to touch the chicken (it wasn’t breaded and fried so likely poisonous in his estimation I’m sure) and again did not ask for ANYTHING else. Put him down.

He went to bed on time and, unusual for him when he hasn’t eaten dinner, didn’t ask for milk. This morning I figured he would be ravenous. Made him his cereal and apple sauce for breakfast (staple breakie) and left Daniel to feed him while I went to get dressed. We were all really late. Daniel calls up to me after a bit – I have good news and bad news he says. Okay, what’s the good news. The good news is Sam ate all his cereal. The bad news… he then proceeded to throw it all up. Ugh! Bring him upstairs, take his temperature – normal. The whole time he is asking to eat. Now Sam is a gagger. He does it on purpose when he doesn’t like something OR wants something else. It’s annoying. However, there was no reason for him to have done it this morning. Daniel speculated that maybe he fed him too fast (we were late as I mentioned). He wasn’t acting sick and he didn’t have a temperature so we continued on with our plans for today (i.e. music class). We didn’t put anything else into his tummy because we wanted to be certain he wasn’t actually ill. I did pack some snacks and milk with me as I left the house though. Nevertheless, a hungry Sam is normally an IMPOSSIBLE Sam thus my reluctance to go to class. I was prepared for him to be horrid.

We got to the class and one of the mothers had brought her 4-year old along. They were hanging up their coats as we got there and Sam who is going through a stranger anxiety phase was stopped in his tracks. He wouldn’t even come into the class and just hung on my leg. Very odd. I picked him up and we went and sat down. He sat in my lap, quietly. That NEVER happens normally I spend half the class holding him down. He normally runs in mad “please chase me circles” around the class whenever I let him up. He got up once or twice but never went far and always came right back to me. He sat in the “story circle” on his own and calmly listened to the story. He passed instruments, when that was what we supposed to be doing, calmly. He didn’t melt down even once. All these things seem pretty typical but NEVER have they EVER happened. It’s with good reason I hate this class. Sam is normally the topic of discussion at the end of class. I always get “I don’t know how you do it;” “doesn’t he tire you out;” “I bet he will nap well.” Today everyone including me was stunned by his behavior. He asked me for milk once only and I told him he could have some after class and he was fine with that.

After class, I gave him his milk and he drank all of it, and then was content. He has been pretty calm since then with only one minor meltdown (after sitting for 15 minutes strapped in his car seat waiting for Kamryn to get out of preschool, so pretty good reason). So I’m stunned. I don’t think in the 9, 10 months we have had him home he has EVER been so calm and … “normal.” I was thinking this morning as I took him to sit on my lap at the computer because I WANTED to cuddle with him rather than I needed to contain him (normal reason) that this is how it’s supposed to be. I also find myself wondering if there is something in his diet that is affecting his behavior. If anything, he is one purged boy this morning. I don’t think he is sick (okay I wrote this several hours ago; I know he isn’t sick). Perhaps it was hunger – although for someone who had eaten NOTHING, he wasn’t acting particularly hungry.

So now I’m puzzled. The two of us went to war over lunch. I wanted him to eat roast chicken. He wanted to scream. Eventually we both bent a little – he ate the roast chicken and I gave him a bite of bread for every bite of chicken. Boy is he stubborn! In the end he was eating the chicken on his own without even being prompted (evidence I’m guessing that there wasn’t anything wrong with the chicken in the first place; he just HATES to lose.) He is calmly and happily watching Finding Nemo right now. I’m still not sure where the Sam we are all so accustomed to is.

Along with Religion...

I also found a crib tent available at an Ottawa store that I didn't have to sell a kidney to buy. ;) So, no, while I appreciated the suggestion made after my Duct tape entry, bungee cords will not be necessary although they may have been cheaper.

Sam loves it. Okay maybe not. He keeps pointing at the sides and saying "oh-oh." I'm not sure what he means by that. He says "oh-oh" a lot though and it's too stinking cute to hear it! Most importantly though he can't climb out AND can no longer hold on to the sides of the crib and jump up and down until he smacks his lip on the bar and cries (something he seemed to do far too often for it to be good for his mouth, teeth, jaw, head etc.)

Photos, of my "caged" son.





I think our social worker would approve.

I've Found Religion

You guys are good to me. Thanks for all your kind comments regarding my friend. One of the things I dislike about blogging is the inability to respond easily (or at all in some cases) to comments made on my entries. At my previous journaling site it was easy to reply when people sent comments. Not so here. I do appreciate all the comments I get though and thank you so much for leaving them. I have to get more in the habit of just responding in my entries. It's sometimes hard to write when it seems no one is reading (and the only way to know people are reading is if they comment). I guess I walk a weird tightrope between writing for my own personal joy and wanting others to share in and comment on my life. I definitely want others to share though or all my entries would still be on my hard drive. lol


One of the big differences between the my girlfriend and I (and a really surprising one for us to work around; was I a doormat?) was that she was a staunch atheist and not always terribly respectful of my belief in God and commitment to my religion. This week, hard as it has been, has had me seeing God everywhere. I'm not the kind of person who does, so this is interesting to me. Yes I believe in a higher power but I'm not really sure sometimes how a beneficent God affects yours truly. This might be shallow but I believe because I've always believed. I'm not a strong enough person not to. I need there to be a God. I need there to be something else. I think this week I have seen proof that there is someone watching out for me.

Pre-Kamryn, I had stopped going to Church. I wasn't mad at God. I thought he was mad at me. I went to Church when I had to and avoided it when I could. I couldn't handle it. I would stand there and I would say the prayers and hear the words coming forth from my mouth and wonder why God was punishing me this way. What I had done that would deny me ever having a family. It was just to hard to be there and I kept breaking down in the middle of the penitential rite and other similar parts of the mass and having to leave and go to the bathroom to cry. So I stopped going. Talk about Catholic guilt although my rationale mind and what I have been taught is that God wasn't punishing me it's just the way it is. Still, when you're grieving it's easier to be irrational. We did by the way return to Church post-Kamryn and have gone quite regularly ever since. We've been a bit absent lately but that's only because Dominic can be a big handful at Church.

Anyway, back to this week. Tuesday, when I was feeling bad, I went to Kamryn's dance class and sat and laughed and joked with Kamryn's friend's parents. Like was always do - we joked back and forth throughout their class. On Sunday we are going to see Disney on Ice with them. After ballet, Kamryn's friend's Mom says "ummm... care to join us for dinner after the show?" A simple and logical invitation but one I needed right then. Later that night I went to my band practice and one of my friends there also suggested we get together this week to practice - also a pretty normal and logical invitation - just not one she had ever suggested before and an invitation I needed right then. Today I logged on and along with all the kind messages from my online friends was an e-mail from someone I haven't heard from in almost 20 years. We were friends from summer camp in junior high/high school and then worked one summer together in 1989! She found my e-mail address and sought me out. Wants to know if we can stay in touch and perhaps get together for dinner next time she is in town and no, it doesn't seem like she wants to sell me insurance. lol

I could chalk this all up to coincidence or even seeing stuff where I otherwise wouldn't. There is a certain comfort in thinking that perhaps someone ''else" is helping me see these things. Someone ''else'' is allowing me to find comfort. No matter what I feel comforted and kind of warm and squishy inside.

The end of a friendship

So I've had the biggest fight I've ever had with a real life friend. It's sad the friendship is irreconcilable over. I now go back and forth between wishing I'd never even met her, wondering why I wasted ten years of my life on her and total confusion over why she was ever friends with me in the first place. The latter is something I had often wondered anyhow so maybe it's for the best.

Really, she's a capable, smart, funny and popular woman as am I (except for the popular part; I'll be honest, as I've been before, I'm far from popular). Nevertheless, while I have a Master's Degree she didn't finish university. I work full-time and until recently she was a full-time stay and home Mom. Now she works part-time at a job that I would never even consider. She is a penny pincher because she has to be and, while practical, except for big purchases I buy what I want and am rarely more than moderately concerned with what it costs. I like to know what is going on the world; I don't think she has ever read a newspaper or watched a newsbroadcast. She's down-to-earth while I'm a little prissy. We did like the same type of movies ... I think. She was my friend though and I liked her. She was my best friend. I wasn't hers and I knew that but I was happy with the friendship.

She was my Maid of Honour and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding. I gave her a baby shower for her first child in the middle of infertility HELL (a week after a lap even). She was the first person I called when I Kamryn was born (I couldn't get a hold of Daniel because his cell phone was off!). We'd been friends for over ten years and I appreciated her friendship so much because she stuck with me and was supportive during all our infertility struggles. I watched her pop out three kids with little effort at getting pregnant but she did so with a compassion for what we were going though that touched me.

It was all my fault to. Technically (it was 100% her decision to end the friendship; although at this point I wouldn't want it any other way, I'm just sitting here stunned). I made a stupid comment months ago and hurt her feelings and she decided our friendship wasn't worth salvaging. Her decision really makes me angry because in my estimation it says more about her than me. She's overweight by a lot, maybe by as much 200 lbs? I've tried to be so supportive over the years but I slipped up and said something stupid and for that I was condemned. I can't understand her throwing away a very close friendship over that. On the other hand it's a weight issue thing and well, I know that can be a deep wound to the self esteem. But come on .... ten years! I would have done anything for her.

So after months of minimal contact with someone I used to speak to either physically or through e-mail daily (this all corresponded with her starting her new job and I wondered if she were just overwhelmed at first) I confronted her and all this vitriol came out. Basically she said I was evil and insecure and that I exploited peoples foibles to make myself feel better. I believed her - stupid me. I really was devastated at first. I cried for two days. I couldn't eat. Then I went out with some other friends and had FUN! I sat and laughed with them and had a good time and thought, "hey, these people seem to like me and interact with me normally. They don't think I'm mean and cruel." I thought about what she had said (looking for examples in how I was mean she went back all ten years) and I thought "what the F" (okay I can't swear in my blog lol; told you prissy). There isn't ANYTHING wrong with me. I'm a good person who made a one stupid comment - okay she said she was thinking of starting a "birthday fairy" or maybe a "birthday fairy godmother" business and I told her that WE (I included myself here) were more "godmother" like than "fairy" like. Really, we're both over 30, over 5'9" and fat; nothing fairy like about us (I didn't say this but this is the reality). Okay don't talk to me for a few weeks and make me apologize (I did!) but trash a ten year friendship. So then I entered the angry phase (prior to this all I did was apologize and cry) I guess... I sat down and told her exactly how I felt. I told her that I had been a good friend to her and her devaluation of everthing that had transpired between us over ten years was ... how do I put this succintly... reprehensible. That made me feel better, MUCH BETTER. I'm not perfect but I'm a very good person and a very good friend.

Still I feel sad that her family, which I considered part of my family, is gone. Exorcised for stupid reasons. I'm, nevertheless, glad they live so far away that I'll never run into them in the supermarket or something like that. I don't want to experience the awkwardness and the pain that would follow. My job this afternoon is to go around the house and take down all their pictures because I still tear up when I see them.

It's been a sad week around here - for me anyways. I've never "broken-up" with someone in anger. Not even boyfriends. There were always tears and regrets on both ends and an acknowledgement that we just weren't right. I've generally stayed friendly with my exes even for a time and then generally life drifts you apart. I've never fought with a real friend. I guess to make it to 37 and never have had a knock down drag 'em out (although a few angry e-mails is hardly a knock down but still ...) is pretty good; I hope. I don't want to do it again.

I've added a list of "Buddy Blogs" to this Blog

Please know you are still my "buddy" if I haven't listed your blog. I was about to add everyone and their best friend's blog addresses but then I thought perhaps people might not want me plastering their blog addresses everywhere. If you would like me to include you (and I would be honoured) drop me a line and I'll "put you up." :)

I did an evil thing today.

A few weeks ago I posted about the insensitive comments made at Kamryn's gymnastics class by a clueless Mom. Well, today I was sitting with Kamryn's friends Mom on one side of me and the comment lady on the other. Comment Mom's normal conversation partner had to leave early with her son so she was chatless. I was chatting with the other Mom when she asked about our fertility "attempts" (not pryingly considering we have a burgeoning friendship of our own). I must admit that I used her. I had a very frank and loud discussion with her about the misery of infertility. I wasn't REALLY talking to her. I THINK I made my point. ;)

Is is considered abuse to duck tape your toddler to his crib bars?

I'm thinking our social worker wouldn't approve.

Ugggh! Master Sam has decided he should no longer be confined to his crib. This is a MAJOR problem because NOTHING short of global thermo nuclear war could convince me to put him in a bed. As I told my mother we'd literally have to empty his room of furniture. I would never sleep again and he would hurt himself almost assuredly. I'm a laid back Mom believe it or not, by the time Kamryn was Sam's age all our baby gates were down. We have never even gated our stairs BUT Sam is a different child and well he needs to be confined or watched. He's fast and he's bright but he has the common sense of well... a 21 month old.

So I'm on a hunt for a crib tent. Easier said than done. Have to wait until Monday so I can call a US company that I found online to see if they will ship to Canada. The ONLY Canadian company that I can find that carries crib tents wants $100 US + shipping – crooks! I lost a bidding war on E-bay for one by like 10 seconds tonight ($71 US). That might have been a good thing since the company I need to call is advertising $65. But that’s only if they will ship to me (their web site says to call for info on shipping outside the lower 48). This is insane.I guess we could just duck tape him nightly.