Just Me Whining About My Perfectly Adequate Life

I honestly don’t know how single parents do it or even people married to absentee parents (i.e. they have a partner who is regularly away). Day after day after day. Yes, the rewards of parenting are rich but that doesn’t mean they come easily. I’m feeling REALLY isolated today. It’s gray and rainy. I’m tired. Daniel called around 11 to ask if I minded skipping my band practice tonight so he could work some overtime (he worked the weekend so this is his 4th day of work in a row). Some overtime means he’ll be home between 11 and midnight. He left at 8 this morning. What could I say but sure I’ll skip my practice but oh how I was looking forward to those 2 ½ hours. I’m such a wimp. I’ve felt so isolated home with Sam. So different than my parental leave with Kamryn when I couldn’t understand why people wanted to return to work. I’ve begun to look forward to April. Yes, I love the time spent with the kids but I feel so alone.

With Kamryn I could pick her up and just go. With the two kids though that’s not as easy. Sam is far from “portable.” He’s the kind of kid where all conditions must be perfect (he can’t be tired, hungry, wet, bored, warm, cold etc.) or he completely melts down. I just can’t handle that in public on a regular basis. Easier to stay home. Even the grocery store is a challenge. Someone is always poking someone else or pulling someone hair or Sam starts yelling to hear his own voice and Kamryn must chime in and then both kids are yelling and I’m asking them to stop like a demented freak while people look away with that “what awful kids and what an awful Mom” look. With Kamryn, there were a ton of other mothers on our street off on Mat leave and we had regular, weekly playgroups. The only Mom around this time is just “not me” nor am I “her.” There is always a politeness to our social interaction and I expect under different circumstances (she lives next door) we probably wouldn’t be friends or even friendly. It’s also so much easier to pop out with an infant than a toddler and a preschooler.

I go out twice a week to Mom and Me things with Sam. I can’t chat with the other Moms though because he is a full time job. If I stop to chat, he wants down (or out if he’s in a stroller). If I put him down he WILL hurt himself. I actually hate those mornings (music class and swimming) because I have to work so hard just to keep him engaged. Daniel and I have decided that the classes are good for him because he is getting something out of them (if nothing he is learning that this world has some structure in it and that it doesn’t revolve around Sam) still often I wonder what.

I don’t have a lot of good friends either. None that live near by. Lots of “small talk” friends but no one who would want to meet me for lunch for instance. My closest friend lives about a 45 minute drive away but she has a brood of her own and while she suggests often getting together – whenever I have tried to “make a date” she has had a reason it couldn’t work. I don’t make friends easily either. I never quite know what to do after the “hi, I’m so and so” stage. We make chit chat and might have a really good time together and then the cool person that I would like to be friends with goes off and I don’t know what comes next. No one ever calls when I say give me a call sometime – not that I call anyone – seems weird and fake and I don’t think people really mean it when they say it. There are a couple of moms in the classes I attend with Sam that I wouldn’t mind being friends with but I can’t help feel they probably have their own friends why would they need me. I’m so envious of the other Moms in the Mall I see having lunch or shopping with their two friends and all their kids. Not me; will never be me I’m just so social inept. So days when my husband calls and tells me he won’t be home until after 10 and I’ve been trapped with the kids for 4 days and there are another 3 looming just depress me.

Mom takes the kids for me as a break every Thursday. Two Thursday’s ago she had another commitment so she didn’t take them. Then last Thursday Nana was here so again no break and then this Thursday Mom is preparing for a big party on Friday so I won’t get a break either. Ironically in the two months she has been doing this Thursday is the day I could really use the break. I’m honestly in tears here and I really don’t know why. I’m just tired and really lonely. Oh this is just silly but hey we all can be silly eh.

Sam is up from his nap and he’s hungry and grumpy (no kidding he refused to eat lunch so he is of course starved) so I must run. Kamryn has ballet tonight. Daniel’s overtime means I have to keep a 17 month old entertained in the hall outside Kamryn’s ballet class for an hour. Wonderful. Must go feed them.

I'm not really as pathetic as I sound. Just one of those days I guess.