Back in the world of infertility (well at least in the same solar system)

Had my first ever appointment with a gynecologist this morning. Can ya believe it? I never had any problems and I've never been pregnant so no reason to go. Well now I have problems (as I have whined about previously). So I'm dreaming about her waving a magic wand. There is no wand though. :( Ugh! She gave me three options:

1) the Pill (something my family doctor had suggested two years ago and I rejected)
2) Lupron shots
3) surgery

Well I don't want to do the pill. Problem won't go away (unless I stay on the Pill indefinitely); I'll just get fat/fatter. The Lupron and chemical menopause kinda scares me. I've taken Lupron for IVF but it has been explained to me that it's at a MUCH higher dosage and my ovaries will go dormant which she says they weren’t in prep for IVF (news to me). I took the prescription for the Lupron; it's sitting in my front hall.

If the Lupron helps, the Doctor explained, she will know it's related to my cycle in which case I'm not really sure what happens as she keeps saying I can't stay on Lupron forever ... duh! But then she totally confused me by talking about putting me on Lupron and then giving me Hormone Replacement Therapy which seemed totally antithetical to me (more explanations the HRT would prevent bone density loss but wouldn’t be enough to wake my useless pain factory ovaries). She did say at one point "when I do surgery I will know that it is probably something wrong with your ovary." Okay I know there is something wrong with my ovary but I don’t just want to say cut me open (okay my reasoning here is dumb – if she does cut me open and there is nothing there, if I haven’t jumped through hoops beforehand, I will feel like more of a hypochndriac than I already do).

If the Lupron doesn't work, she is proposing surgery to find out what is likely wrong. So either way I'm headed for surgery, I think, the only difference being whether I go through chemically induced menopause first. Wonderful. I guess when it comes right down to it a laproscopy is pretty banal when it comes to surgeries.

I have an appointment in three months (to allow me to experiment with the Lupron first)to see her again. The way things seem to be unfolding IF she does do I laproscopy it will be just as I return to work (to a brand new job/boss) after being off for almost a year. They are going to love me, I’m sure. Well, I didn’t pick this. The one good thing that came out of this morning is I’m reasonably certain that I won’t have to deal with this pain next month. I could almost shout from the rooftops in joy over that.

I’m sulking a bit (who am I kidding; I’m sulking A LOT) because Daniel never asked me what the doctor said. He knows how miserable I have been (I completely broke down in tears on Monday over all this and that wasn’t the first time). He knows I had a doctor's appointment this morning as we had to do all sorts of weird scheduling this morning to accommodate it. He either managed to forget in two hours (most likely explanation I hope) or he doesn’t believe it’s as bad as it is and has just been humoring me and pretending to care. :( I am not going to bring it up. I refuse.

It’s emotionally difficult being back in this world again which is just exacerbating everything of course. I try not to think about my reproductive organs at all. It’s a kind of "you stay on your side of the room and I’ll stay on mine and that way we’ll both be happy" kind of thing. Now I’m not happy and my ovaries (at least my right one) is certainly unhappy.

I have lunch tomorrow with a very good and very old friend tomorrow (male) who's in town getting set for a new job (I'm so excited he is moving here my teeth hurt). I'm not so certain I won't burst into tears when he asks me how I am.