Sam. What am I going to do with Sam.
We had a meeting last week with his teacher. Same meeting we have every school year around this time (about a month before 1st quarter report cards are released and formal parent-teacher interviews are held). Sam is #2 in his class academically out of 22 kids. He is reading in the top group. He is approximately 30% ahead of his peers. We know this because he attends a Montessori-like elementary school and he is that far ahead in completed individual work. He is athletically talented. He is social and friendly. He likes to please.
On the other hand: His desk is separated from the other students in the class by a cement wall (the classroom has a small section at the front separated by a wall probably intended for supply cabinets etc.). That is the only way, his teacher explains, that he can get any work done; if not he can’t stay in his chair; can’t work and consistently disturbs the other kids in the class so that they can’t work either. When the class lines up, he lines up separately because if not the teacher constantly has to respond to squabbles in line as he pokes, punches and pushes the other children. He can’t stop talking even when no one is listening. Sometimes he isn’t even using words. I can’t let him play outside unsupervised because there will be conflict with the other children on the street. He’s defiant to the point of his own detriment and he knows this but it is more important to him to get his own way than peacefully back down (avoiding any negative consequences).
Punishment doesn’t work. He NEVER takes responsibility for anything. He lies. He blames another child and if that doesn’t work he blames the punisher (he had to see the principal last week because he challenged his teacher for marking his behaviour for the day as poor). I don’t know when to believe him because he tells the truth so infrequently (and he is such a poor liar). At home and at school I believe he gets punished for things he hasn’t done. To quote his 8 year-old sister (who came up with this explanation completely on her own) – because he always lies the other children blame him for everything since adults never believe him innocent.
Reward doesn’t work. Well it will work once but you MUST escalate the reward or he immediately loses interest and he EXPECTS a reward whenever his behaviour is even remotely appropriate (we’re not talking stickers here people but major rewards like restaurant dining). Praise works but only briefly (less than 2 minutes; he beams and then forgets what behaviour he was just praised for).
He lacks appropriate social skills. While he is friendly and loves to play he doesn’t pick up on social cues at all. He is intensely selfish in the way he plays. Some kids don’t like to share; Dominic only believes in sharing when he is the beneficiary. He bullies. If a child has a toy he wants he will negotiate to get it (and he easily outsmarts his peers). If that doesn’t work he will just take. He sulks – always the persecuted one. In sports, he is generally better than his peers. He will take the ball or puck and simply keep it, playing alone in many ways with the other children as props. He doesn’t understand why at that point no one wants to continue the game. When the children drift away he will follow. The only way for him to understand they don’t want to play with him is when they push or hit him (sometimes he doesn’t even respond to that and laughs manically as if they are just kidding). The teacher gives him a behaviour rating each day of green, yellow, or red. Lately it’s been mostly yellow. The first few weeks of the school year it was consistently red. At the meeting we mentioned the change to her and she told us “oh no I almost never give out red, that's only for very serious offences like those involving intimidation.” She’s forgotten. She’s give him at least 10 this school year. I think of everything I worry about his social ineptitude the most (I can handle his kinetic nature).
He is a tattletale and constantly reports on anything and everything anyone else might do wrong. It gets VERY tiresome at home where I only have to remind him that Maya’s behaviour isn’t his responsibility. I can’t imagine what his teacher must be dealing with (she did mention this problem). At summer camp this summer the camp counsellors nicknamed him “the informer” (wonderful, eh?)
The reason behind last week’s parent conference was to ask us if we’d be willing to meet with the school social worker (I think that is the first step in initiating school-based testing for behavioural/academic problems like ADHD something the school normally doesn’t do until a child is older.).
I think he has ADHD but can’t reconcile his academic success or the fact that if I sit him at a desk and ask him to finish a homework page he can do that quietly and efficiently as long as he is alone in the room. Oh and he can do that for hours. I wonder about Fetal Alcohol Effects but his advanced intelligence suggest this isn't the case. He has had no observable delays and he also has none of the physical characteristics. He just doesn't fit the criteria but what do I know?
We have an appointment with a psychologist on November 8th. Longest two-week wait of my life.
