The end of a friendship

So I've had the biggest fight I've ever had with a real life friend. It's sad the friendship is irreconcilable over. I now go back and forth between wishing I'd never even met her, wondering why I wasted ten years of my life on her and total confusion over why she was ever friends with me in the first place. The latter is something I had often wondered anyhow so maybe it's for the best.

Really, she's a capable, smart, funny and popular woman as am I (except for the popular part; I'll be honest, as I've been before, I'm far from popular). Nevertheless, while I have a Master's Degree she didn't finish university. I work full-time and until recently she was a full-time stay and home Mom. Now she works part-time at a job that I would never even consider. She is a penny pincher because she has to be and, while practical, except for big purchases I buy what I want and am rarely more than moderately concerned with what it costs. I like to know what is going on the world; I don't think she has ever read a newspaper or watched a newsbroadcast. She's down-to-earth while I'm a little prissy. We did like the same type of movies ... I think. She was my friend though and I liked her. She was my best friend. I wasn't hers and I knew that but I was happy with the friendship.

She was my Maid of Honour and I was a bridesmaid at her wedding. I gave her a baby shower for her first child in the middle of infertility HELL (a week after a lap even). She was the first person I called when I Kamryn was born (I couldn't get a hold of Daniel because his cell phone was off!). We'd been friends for over ten years and I appreciated her friendship so much because she stuck with me and was supportive during all our infertility struggles. I watched her pop out three kids with little effort at getting pregnant but she did so with a compassion for what we were going though that touched me.

It was all my fault to. Technically (it was 100% her decision to end the friendship; although at this point I wouldn't want it any other way, I'm just sitting here stunned). I made a stupid comment months ago and hurt her feelings and she decided our friendship wasn't worth salvaging. Her decision really makes me angry because in my estimation it says more about her than me. She's overweight by a lot, maybe by as much 200 lbs? I've tried to be so supportive over the years but I slipped up and said something stupid and for that I was condemned. I can't understand her throwing away a very close friendship over that. On the other hand it's a weight issue thing and well, I know that can be a deep wound to the self esteem. But come on .... ten years! I would have done anything for her.

So after months of minimal contact with someone I used to speak to either physically or through e-mail daily (this all corresponded with her starting her new job and I wondered if she were just overwhelmed at first) I confronted her and all this vitriol came out. Basically she said I was evil and insecure and that I exploited peoples foibles to make myself feel better. I believed her - stupid me. I really was devastated at first. I cried for two days. I couldn't eat. Then I went out with some other friends and had FUN! I sat and laughed with them and had a good time and thought, "hey, these people seem to like me and interact with me normally. They don't think I'm mean and cruel." I thought about what she had said (looking for examples in how I was mean she went back all ten years) and I thought "what the F" (okay I can't swear in my blog lol; told you prissy). There isn't ANYTHING wrong with me. I'm a good person who made a one stupid comment - okay she said she was thinking of starting a "birthday fairy" or maybe a "birthday fairy godmother" business and I told her that WE (I included myself here) were more "godmother" like than "fairy" like. Really, we're both over 30, over 5'9" and fat; nothing fairy like about us (I didn't say this but this is the reality). Okay don't talk to me for a few weeks and make me apologize (I did!) but trash a ten year friendship. So then I entered the angry phase (prior to this all I did was apologize and cry) I guess... I sat down and told her exactly how I felt. I told her that I had been a good friend to her and her devaluation of everthing that had transpired between us over ten years was ... how do I put this succintly... reprehensible. That made me feel better, MUCH BETTER. I'm not perfect but I'm a very good person and a very good friend.

Still I feel sad that her family, which I considered part of my family, is gone. Exorcised for stupid reasons. I'm, nevertheless, glad they live so far away that I'll never run into them in the supermarket or something like that. I don't want to experience the awkwardness and the pain that would follow. My job this afternoon is to go around the house and take down all their pictures because I still tear up when I see them.

It's been a sad week around here - for me anyways. I've never "broken-up" with someone in anger. Not even boyfriends. There were always tears and regrets on both ends and an acknowledgement that we just weren't right. I've generally stayed friendly with my exes even for a time and then generally life drifts you apart. I've never fought with a real friend. I guess to make it to 37 and never have had a knock down drag 'em out (although a few angry e-mails is hardly a knock down but still ...) is pretty good; I hope. I don't want to do it again.