I've Found Religion

You guys are good to me. Thanks for all your kind comments regarding my friend. One of the things I dislike about blogging is the inability to respond easily (or at all in some cases) to comments made on my entries. At my previous journaling site it was easy to reply when people sent comments. Not so here. I do appreciate all the comments I get though and thank you so much for leaving them. I have to get more in the habit of just responding in my entries. It's sometimes hard to write when it seems no one is reading (and the only way to know people are reading is if they comment). I guess I walk a weird tightrope between writing for my own personal joy and wanting others to share in and comment on my life. I definitely want others to share though or all my entries would still be on my hard drive. lol


One of the big differences between the my girlfriend and I (and a really surprising one for us to work around; was I a doormat?) was that she was a staunch atheist and not always terribly respectful of my belief in God and commitment to my religion. This week, hard as it has been, has had me seeing God everywhere. I'm not the kind of person who does, so this is interesting to me. Yes I believe in a higher power but I'm not really sure sometimes how a beneficent God affects yours truly. This might be shallow but I believe because I've always believed. I'm not a strong enough person not to. I need there to be a God. I need there to be something else. I think this week I have seen proof that there is someone watching out for me.

Pre-Kamryn, I had stopped going to Church. I wasn't mad at God. I thought he was mad at me. I went to Church when I had to and avoided it when I could. I couldn't handle it. I would stand there and I would say the prayers and hear the words coming forth from my mouth and wonder why God was punishing me this way. What I had done that would deny me ever having a family. It was just to hard to be there and I kept breaking down in the middle of the penitential rite and other similar parts of the mass and having to leave and go to the bathroom to cry. So I stopped going. Talk about Catholic guilt although my rationale mind and what I have been taught is that God wasn't punishing me it's just the way it is. Still, when you're grieving it's easier to be irrational. We did by the way return to Church post-Kamryn and have gone quite regularly ever since. We've been a bit absent lately but that's only because Dominic can be a big handful at Church.

Anyway, back to this week. Tuesday, when I was feeling bad, I went to Kamryn's dance class and sat and laughed and joked with Kamryn's friend's parents. Like was always do - we joked back and forth throughout their class. On Sunday we are going to see Disney on Ice with them. After ballet, Kamryn's friend's Mom says "ummm... care to join us for dinner after the show?" A simple and logical invitation but one I needed right then. Later that night I went to my band practice and one of my friends there also suggested we get together this week to practice - also a pretty normal and logical invitation - just not one she had ever suggested before and an invitation I needed right then. Today I logged on and along with all the kind messages from my online friends was an e-mail from someone I haven't heard from in almost 20 years. We were friends from summer camp in junior high/high school and then worked one summer together in 1989! She found my e-mail address and sought me out. Wants to know if we can stay in touch and perhaps get together for dinner next time she is in town and no, it doesn't seem like she wants to sell me insurance. lol

I could chalk this all up to coincidence or even seeing stuff where I otherwise wouldn't. There is a certain comfort in thinking that perhaps someone ''else" is helping me see these things. Someone ''else'' is allowing me to find comfort. No matter what I feel comforted and kind of warm and squishy inside.