Embarassed By How Easy "Having" Kids Was

You know as much as we struggled to build our family I never thought I would feel guilty about what we have. Well not guilty per se but you will see what I mean. Two weeks ago my across the street neighbour gave birth to a little girl, who they named Carissa, at 26 weeks. She weighed barely a pound and only lived long enough for them to say their good byes. Obviously they are devastated. They have an older boy who is 7 weeks older than Kamryn.

When he was about a year old they started trying for #2. They were annoyingly cavalier about it. I wanted to just yell at her on more than one occasion. I remember sitting in a neighbourhood bar one evening watching television and trying to ignore the conversation while all the neighbourhood ladies chatted (I stared hard at the TV because it was the ONLY way not to cry). She used to say things like “well, if I don’t get pregnant this month it will be a pain because if a baby were to be born in such and such a month yadda yadda yadda...” Okay I understand they joy of being able to plan a pregnancy but I don’t want to hear about how a baby would be inconvenient. “Just be damn happy you can get pregnant at all” is what I was thinking as I quietly seethed. Well she got pregnant at a convenient time for her, announced her pregnancy before the pee dried on the stick and miscarried at around 11 weeks or so. I felt bad for her but part of me was thinking of that evening and her pontifications about “convenience” (okay so this is partially the source of my guilt; while I in no way think anyone DESERVES to go through a miscarriage, at the time, it did cross my mind that she had been taught a harsh lesson).

It wasn’t convenient for them to try again for a while – I know all the reasons because she elaborated them in great detail with pregnancy #2. A while later, she got pregnant again. No fanfare or announcements this time. She quietly commented to me that she was pregnant. Both her, and my next-door neighbour were pregnant together. She miscarried before she started to show. :( Every time I look at my next-door neighbour’s little girl I imagine the painful memories she must engender for across the street neighbour. What was and what will never be.

So it’s cold here and after Halloween we generally don’t see much of the neighbours. You wave as you dart in and out of cars, you chat briefly while shoveling the driveway, but long deep conversations are few and far between. We never got around to having our annual New Year’s Eve Street party this year either. A couple of times I looked at my neighbour and thought she looked like she was putting on some weight. I wondered but said nothing because good grief I’d hate to be wrong! In February my next-door neighbour had a birthday party for her son and for the first time, to me, it was obvious – no heavy coats to peer through and well she was in her second trimester heading into her third. We chatted a little. She was so cautious about her “little one”. So different than before. There was no confidence and that was very sad (no pleasing me I guess). But she was sooooooo far along. I didn’t think twice about the risks and I really should know better. My thoughts were about what to buy her baby when they brought her home; that and trying to guesstimate her due date based on the size of her belly because I didn’t want to ask outright. Her belly really was the elephant in the room. Nothing like a normal pregnant lady - averted eyes and let’s chat about anything but the pregnancy. It was a little bizarre. I’ll also admit that I was a little jealous but that part of me isn’t so ravenous anymore. We’re content with our family.

Her early delivery was unexpected. They’d had an amniocentesis at 20 weeks and it was COMPLETELY normal. The baby was measuring a little small but it wasn’t a huge concern. It should have been although there isn’t anything anyone could have done. Her autopsy showed that she was small because a “venous cord insertion” was starving her of nutrients. She was perfect. :( No one could have fixed it and nothing could have been done. It was a freak occurrence. That doesn’t make it easier to deal with.

So here we are. When Paul, her son, was born we had no idea that Kamryn would ever exist. I didn’t go to her baby shower, just sent a present and made an excuse, because I couldn’t handle it. When he came home I remember visiting and being so jealous – completely oblivious to what the future held for us. He was a month old when we began to even hope we would get matched with Kamryn’s birthmother. Kamryn and Paul are good buddies. They are so close in age and play well together. It occurs to me that they must have been trying to get pregnant when we brought Sam home last summer. With the weather warming up now and the kids outside once again playing, I found myself standing in the driveway last week, with my neighbour, as Paul, Kamryn and Sam tore around – being kids and I felt bad that their weren’t four or five kids there. Embarrassed for my two and how “easy” it was for us. Then I smack myself in the head and ask whom am I kidding and then I go back to realizing how easy it was for us. Sigh.