So I’m relearning how to parent. An interesting dynamic has arisen in our home. For five years things have revolved around Sam. Really they have although I didn’t fully realize it until now. I can’t remember the circumstances exactly but last summer my mother took the kids overnight as she sometimes does. I had a huge swath of time off last summer and was pretty much home with the children full time and I enjoyed that. But then Mom took the kids for a night. She volunteered to keep them for longer and I declined. Midway through the day we were supposed to keep them up I realized how restful not dealing with Sam issues was and I called and asked if she could keep them one more day. Restful – it was restful.
It’s not that he is/was a bad kid of anything; it’s just that he was a lot of work. Even when he was being agreeable (and he can be so agreeable, always desperate to help and looking for approval in everything he does.) but things could go from peaceful to disastrous in mere seconds. The easiest way I can explain Sam is as a two year old with the size and abilities and intelligence of an almost 7 year old. You can’t watch a 6 year old they way you watch a two year old. It doesn’t help their development any and it certainly doesn’t contribute positively to anyone’s sanity. But you had to because the judgements he was making and the speed he was making them with – exactly like a toddler. That’s exhausting.
I couldn’t send him out to play for instance with the neighbourhood kids because even with me standing RIGHT THERE conflict would arise and Sam was always RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of it. Always. Easier not to let him play with the kids which doesn’t help his social development any. Regardless, the kids didn’t want to play with him (no wonder as he would commandeer their toys, cheat at any sport, and push and hit to get what he wanted). Combine him with the wrong kind of kid (his horribly over-indulged and whiney same-aged cousin for instance) and regardless of what happened he was painted in the role of the bad guy (something that pisses me off to no end). And so it went.
Now I have a different child. At times unrecognizable for how agreeable things can be. It’s not perfect but it’s pretty good. He listens and responds. He can sit quietly and accomplish a task. I actually gave him a book the other night and told him to go and read and he did so quietly and happily and then recounted me the story so I could assess his level of comprehension (which was excellent I was so impressed never having tried that before). He still talks constantly (constantly might be too weak a word here) and his impulsiveness is still out of whack but just having a calmer soul around takes much of the exhaustion out of parenting him. The things he can do now stun me.
But faced with this new child I make mistakes. He’s not perfect. The other day Daniel found Sam’s daily pill on the stairs. I don’t know when the pill was from (although I have my suspicions given a HORRENDOUS day he had at school a few days prior). I had been giving him his pill (literally putting it in his mouth) and assuming he was swallowing it (we don’t use water because he couldn’t figure out how to swallow the water and the pill at the same time – water would dribble out of his mouth, he would choke and after ten minutes there was still a dissolving pill on his tongue. It wouldn’t have been comical to observe if it wasn’t so serious). Obviously not. I know exactly how said pill was propelled from his mouth before swallowing – since he NEVER stops talking it makes sense that would occur. We talked about how important it was to take his medication and that if he couldn’t swallow a pill he was to tell me. Now I feed it to him every morning in a spoonful of yogurt and check to make sure he has swallowed it.
I’m finding new things to do with him. Puzzles. He loves puzzles but couldn’t do one without constant prodding to continue. He finished a 250 piece puzzle the other day on his own. This afternoon I need to go find some more for him to complete – March break next week. It’s a great activity for him to concentrate on. Books – I have a whole list of chapter books that I’ve reserved for him at the library. He can read them just fine (he’s been reading Kamryn’s old stash) on his own (before it was difficult even to read to him) and enjoy himself. There are all sorts of activities I wouldn’t have even considered involving him in the past that are just there for the taking now. I’m falling over myself searching them out.
Prior to this diagnosis, I also spent a great deal of energy pretending I was coping well and that things were normal. It’s been nice to abandon that pretext to be able to accept that things aren’t normal and that normal parenting solutions were not going to work. It’s been nice to let go of some of the worry. Some of the fear that things were never going to get any better. The terror that we were only caretaking this child until he got arrested and went to prison (no exaggeration this was almost a daily thought and there is good reason behind it that I can’t get into).
Kamryn is also a mild concern. She seems to have filled the behaviour void. r maybe her rambunctiousness is at the same level but is no longer countered by that of her brother’s. It’s not a problem per se but needs some attention. It could also be a reaction to the increase in positive attention her sibling is all of a sudden receiving. In many ways life still revolves around Sam, it’s just as difficult so she’s attention-seeking in a not so desirable manner. It’s hard to keep Sam calm when his sister is climbing the curtains. She’s old enough to set a better example and we’re working on maturity (and the privileges that come with it). I looked at her the other day and was struck by how grown-up she looked. Ugh.
Anyway, things are different in our household and everyone is adjusting.
