I know how the shoemaker's kids feel.

So my laptop stopped working in February. It keeps overheating - within minutes of turning it on; seconds even. It will boot up and then before the hard drive has even stopped whirring it will overheat and shut down.

Now as annoying as this was I have a handy dandy computer expert in the house as supposedly Daniel is going to school to help people with problems just like mine. And he said he would help. He took my computer and he took it apart. He told me one of his profs at school was going to help him. I was content. A week went by then two. He said something about the prof not being available. Then three. I didn't nag because he was in school; he was busy studying. I could wait a bit. A month went by. Then two. School finished.

The laptop is still in pieces.

In the interim he bought HIMSELF a new computer. Doesn't matter really because when he wants to surf the net, check e-mail, read the paper he has a handy dandy I-Touch that I bought him for his birthday last year - so nice of me.

My computer has been a bone of contention between us of late. A big Tyrannosaurus Rex bone. I can't fix it myself. I can't take it somewhere to get it fixed until he puts it back together (I don't think I can even afford to get it fixed by a real expert). During our last blow-up, he told me he would put it back together. That was at least 10 days ago.

Then I watched Parenthood the other night on TV. One of the characters told her mother to "stop making yourself the victim." I identified with that. Tonight I sat down at our old desktop to download myself some audio books. Hey - I don't need the laptop, the desktop served me well for years. I am not a victim! Woohoo for delusion.

I love audio books. I can listen to them on the bus on the way to work and not get motion sick. I haven't been able to download audio books since my laptop died. I tried to download the software I need for my audio books onto the desktop computer. I didn't work. I tried several times. I tried several ways. I swore. I cursed. I yelled at Daniel and blamed him for everything from the JFK assassination to the oil spill in the Gulf. He came into the office and stared over my shoulder as I floundered and eventually I gave up.

Then I decided I would install a video game I quite enjoy. That worked beautifully. When I couldn't find the code I needed I looked online and there is was. I downloaded everything I needed and prepared to play. Not a victim. Long live delusion! This old desktop - doesn''t have the video card needed to play games like that. I gave up.

I'm a victim. I'm facing that inevitability and going to bed.

Tomorrow I will ask Daniel where he put the parts to my broken computer - I have no idea. I will package it up myself and take it to Future Shop where they will demand part of my pancreas as payment to fix it. It's what I should have done in February.

Sigh.