So today ye olde self esteme got a boost. People do like us. Nice people. House league parents like us just fine. I was sitting waiting for hockey camp to end and one of those wonderful people came over to chat with me. I was reminded that not everyone is so awful. She gave me a sympathetic look when I mentioned Dominic was going to play rep hockey. I'm regretting this competitive hockey just a little more now. Thinking about it we've never really dealt with this attitude on Maya's teams (much - year two novice was a little bit like that; it was also the most hyper competitive team she ever played on). Even that one year, I've always been able to find a group of parents on her teams to "bond" with. Maybe we are just too laid back? I just hope Dominic is not on the same team as the awful ignoring mom I mentioned last time. Sigh. I hate cliques especially those made up of adults.

The Wrong Parents

Sam has the wrong parents. I feel kind of bad for him. We’re just not cool. We’re too old. We’re not popular. We don’t say the right things. It’s not that we don’t play the game; it’s that we’re not even sure what the game is. In the normal scheme of things its not a big deal. It hasn’t really been a hindrance until now. I do wonder how it will affect him now. Doesn’t help that he’s not the right kind of kid either (ADHD Kids seldom are). What am I talking about you ask. Well hockey of course. My blog is rapidly becoming all about hockey.

So on Sunday after the last soccer game of the season Sam’s team assembled at a nearby MacDonald’s for ice cream and a short good bye. While we were standing in line waiting to be served, in walks the popular mother of one of his hockey team mates from last year (truth be told I can’t stand her but I’ve always worked to be pleasant). I was standing behind another of his soccer teammates mother’s. I said hi. She nodded hi and then proceeded to ignore my very existence while she embraced the mother in front of me like they were sisters separated at birth. There were coos and chuckles and discussions about their boys and how they would see each other the next day at hockey. Sure. I pretended to be busy studying the menu. I pretended not to hear their hockey plans.

I know what the hockey plans are though. A bunch of parents with 2004 boys get their boys together every Monday (and have all summer) for pick-up hockey. I’d like to say we weren’t invited to participate but we were – before I’m guessing one of the organizers realized we were the “wrong” people. As I’ve mentioned Sam is a good player. Last year he obtained kind of a cult status on his team. All hail Sam (in truth it was a little annoying). Based on that one of the parents (who was ga-ga over Sam) told us of this casual pick-up hockey thing they were organizing, told us it was hush-hush since they only had room for a certain number of boys and that they would get back to us on the details. I have to admit that I was well aware that Sam was being used here. He was desirable because he was deemed a worthy opponent capable of challenging the other parent’s child. I was willing to ignore that for the opportunity it presented for Sam. When I e-mailed the parent in June (because we had not heard from him) to ask about the details, the coward ignored my e-mails. I wouldn’t have been the wiser except 3 of the boys on his soccer team are participating. I was hurt when we were not included (as was Daniel) but what were we to do.

Related to that – we worked quite diligently to get Sam on a Spring hockey team. Spring hockey is an interesting animal. You have to be good to play. You have to try-out. It’s invitation only. Invitations aren’t based all that solidly in how good you are – especially at the ripe old age of 7! Needless to say not only didn’t we get invited again – not one coward (and there were many) returned our calls or e-mails just asking about the team. A friend of mine who’s son is 12, plays competitive hockey at the PeeWee level and is black mentioned to me that the “minority kids” never get invited to these teams (his son plays on an all minority team started by someone because of this belief). I wonder about racism – seriously – but it’s really hard to know and I always hesitate to blame anything on racism (nevertheless, ignoring the prevalence of racism can do a big number on one’s self-esteem)

We aren’t awful people. We volunteer. We contribute. We don’t complain. Sam can be a challenge but he’s not a discipline issue. He VERY rarely misses a practice. I don’t think he’s ever missed a game. He’s a better than average player so the only conclusion is we’re not the right kind of people. It was one of the reasons we weren’t going to let Sam play competitive hockey. Daniel was of the mind that if we said to hell with them that they would come to regret their decision when Sam become a superstar. I think I was a little more realistic when I pointed out that minus the intense practice his little friends would be engaged in, it was unlikely that that would happen.

I’m a little nervous to see what happens come tryouts. They can’t really exclude him. Those same people who refuse to let us in on all their little secret get-togethers readily admit he’s a shoo-in to make the team. His soccer coach said to me on Sunday “There are certain players you know will have no problems (he then named a bunch of kids). I’ve seen Sam play hockey (his son played with Sam). He’s made the team.” I know he’s not going to be the best player they see but he should factor among the top 10 or so. How much can they handicap him because they don’t like us?

I’m also a little bummed as to why we are so unlikeable. I know I’m not perfect – I talk to much; I’m loud; I’m geeky; I try to be overly helpful but so are others out there. It hurts to realize that people just don’t like you – especially to this extent. I’ve resolved to go to his try-out (where I will know almost ALL the other parents) and sit quietly in the corner and read a book. I hate small talk anyways so it will be a relief not to have to make it with people I know don’t like me. I’ve not volunteered to help with try-outs (first year I’ve sat out). I won’t volunteer to help with his team (also a first). Going to try to not to go where I’m not wanted. [Insert profanity here] them.

Choosing

Note: I know I conveyed some information here that I've gone on about before but I didn't really write this to post here; it just ended up here.

So in 6th grade I was banned from the school library. We had the option of going out for recess or going to the library and my teacher felt I spent too many recesses in the library. In 10th grade I signed up for latin class; my small school didn’t have enough other kids sign up so they cancelled the class and the only other thing that fit in my schedule was gym. I got a D at Christmas and my parents were furious (not at me but that I had to take a class I was obviously hopeless in). In the end, I finished the year with a B+ because I got 100 percent in the “health” portion of the grade. I state this just to put everything in context. I am not an athlete. Please stop laughing. I always wanted to be an athlete (I still do but I really am hopeless). I had this romantic notion of how everything was easy for them. My son has opened my eyes to the reality.

DS was born an athlete. His first word was Ball or rather Ba, since he was almost three before he actually finished a word when he said it. There is nothing (save swimming) that I’ve seen him try and not be insanely good at. He’s a little frustrating to watch (especially if you’re his older sister trying to play the same sport). He’s also a little awe inspiring. One day he might accomplish something in the sports world… or maybe not. The one thing I’ve learned being the Mom of a mini gifted athlete is that there are A LOT of other mini gifted athletes out there. As special as he is to us; he’s not so special in the general scheme of things. Still there are choices we have to make with him and for him.

Some of the choices are a little bizarre to be making at eight. I bet Deion Sanders or Bo Jackson’s mother’s never had to look at their eight year old and tell them that they NEEDED to pick a sport. That’s the conversation I had with Sam yesterday. He needs to pick a sport… at eight. Nuts. In this world of high, stronger, faster sports that used to have a season and then ended so other sports could be played doesn't exist anymore.

We decided earlier this summer to let Sam tryout for a travel hockey team – seemed an innocuous decision at the time. Soccer ends 19 August. Hockey starts 1 September. We should be good no? No. This summer he’s played on a specially selected “elite” soccer team. It was an experiment and the boys on this team (and their sister team) have exceeded all expectations. His coach sent out a notice this week that the club has decided to create an academy that will keep the boys training all winter – two training sessions a week and a game. That’s a good amount of soccer over the winter and I know it makes a difference in the long run. He would have a blast. If he chooses not to participate, it will put him well behind his team mates next summer and could make the difference in him continuing with his team or having to drop down a level. So yes, let’s do it. Ummm…. hockey?

IF he makes the travel team (and I don’t know why he wouldn’t but you never know – remember he’s not as special as I think he is) we’re probably looking at two or three training sessions a week and a game. Counting days on my fingers – it MIGHT work. Physically he could handle it. Heck – he would thrive on such a schedule (his doctor has recommended we keep him as active as possible; this certainly fills that prescription). Depending on when those sessions were. Do we know? Nope. Not for hockey. Not for soccer. I already have a headache. He’s only 8.

Yesterday I told him he would have to chose – if not this year then next. He pointed out how much he liked to play both sports. I told him he could still play the sport he didn’t pick just not at an elite level. He got very quiet.

Hockey

So when you stop doing something. It’s really hard to get started again. I considered just closing this blog but today I have a funny situation to relate and thought how appropriate it would be for a blog post. So here I am. Can’t guarantee anything else will follow but for now here I am. Is anyone still out there. I doubt it. Ah well. I've also discovered that if I post from work - as I am now - hard returns don't show up thus the block of text that will follow. Sorry about that. Just so you know – everything is going well. Kids are growing like weeds. They are happy, well-adjusted. Claude has one semester left of College left given some hiccups but he’s happy to. I’m getting by. Doing well at work. Have had some interesting travel to Asia and feeling quite fulfilled of late. This post – about eating crow – maybe just sampling it a bit. As I’ve told you before Sam is a little athlete. He’s never met a sport he doesn’t excel at and love (the exception being swimming; he swims much like a cat, an overweight cat, an overweight cat with joint problems – we’re working on this). His two big loves (mostly because that’s what we have encouraged) have been soccer and hockey. I decided long ago that I was a soccer-Mom – armed and ready with everything but the mini-van. Both kids have played organized soccer since they were three years old pretty much year round. Kamryn enjoys it but if it vanished from her life I don’t think she would care one way or the other. Sam on the other hand lives and breathes it. He plays a lot and he’s athletic so he is good at it. Last year he played U-8 soccer as a seven-year old. This year he is playing on a weird little experimental team – 12 U-8 boys and one U-7 boy who as a team are playing at the U-9 level (house-league). The idea was to let them take their knocks together this year and next year they would be a team to be reckoned with. They are almost unbeatable which was a surprise. I can’t wait to see what happens when they enter the competitive ranks against kids their own ages next year. Competitive-level soccer her we come. We are ready. Not so much for hockey. In hockey we thought we had more time to make up our minds. Competitive hockey wasn’t supposed to start for us until Sam’s minor Atom year when he would be 9 years old. We had basically decided it wasn’t for us. For many reasons some of them pure hubris: 1) It’s expensive – time and money wise. 2) He is unlikely to get anything more out of competitive hockey than he would out of house league hockey (translation: its unlikely that he will be drafted by the Montreal Canadiens in the first round and go on to make millions). 3) Its expensive. 4) It’s HIGHLY political and often its not how good your child is but how much money you’re willing to put towards the team and who you know and you your father was/is. 5) It’s expensive 6) We wanted to be courted and weren’t. As I’ve said before Sam is good. Eye-openly good in my opinion. Last year was fun because more often than not some random parent was stopping us, slack-jawed, to ask it that kid was our son and what did we “do” to make him that good. Random parents stopped us – the league ignore us (with good reason kids like Sam are a dime a dozen; he’s not that special to them). Still people in the know knew who he was and we knew that. We wanted to feel the love a little. No love was forthcoming. Worse he was put at the wrong level (based solely on his age) and likely learned nothing last year. 7) It’s expensive. 8) No one I spoke to about the competitive program had very much good to say about it. They would cringe (and hopefully pull up their socks) if they really listened to all the negative press flying around about them. Unlikely though because oh my lord what an insulated Old Boys Club. So we weren’t going to do it but we knew we had another year to decide. Then this summer, the eager beavers who are the Dad’s with kids born in 2004 decided they wanted to form a competitive Major Novice team (so 8-year olds). We said we weren’t going to do it. We held to that belief for 6 weeks. This week I broke. I saw him play (for the first time in months since hockey season ended in March). The kid skates like he came out of the womb with blades attached to his feet. He thinks on the ice. He plays his position. He passes (little kids don’t pass… ever). I really thought it would be a disserve to him to throw him back into the non-comp pond. He wouldn’t be bored but he wouldn’t soar like I know he can. He’s still unlikely to be drafted by the Montreal Canadiens in the 1 round or the 16th for that matter. It’s still expensive – honestly I don’t know if we can afford it. We can do this year and probably next but eventually he might have to stop playing to his ability and play instead to his parents ability to pay (a season can cost $15,000). We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I like the coaches that have been picked to coach at the novice level. Both men who know and like (I think) Sam. I’m already grumbling though. This is the first year for the Novice level team but I only know about it because three of the kids Sam plays soccer with will be on the team. It’s word of mouth only – so unless you know someone you don’t know about it. Horribly political. We also still haven’t been courted, although I was amused to learn that it was just expected he would try-out (and make the team). Some guy I’ve seen but never met before stopped Sam in the change room before shinny hockey on Sunday to joke about not hurting himself before “insert team name here” try-outs. Ummm…. who are you? How do you know my son? We’ll count that as courting. So many hockey Dads have inquired as to whether he will try out or not. No one ever asked about Kamryn… ever. Okay this might all be over soon. Tryouts start 1 September and run over five days. If he doesn’t make the team, I’m out a hundred dollars and he’ll play house league and oh well. If he doe excel at s… whole new world.

The latest stupid Facebook Breast Cancer Awareness letter

I was upset about the last email that I got a few months back - I can't remember the gimmick not having read through it. The day I got it I learned that my SIL who has fought through two bouts of breat cancer now had metatasized cancer in her liver and kidneys (she's still fighting the good fight but her prognosis is not good at all). The frivolioty of it all just made me angry and I wanted to send an angry message back. I didn't because the friend who sent it is the sister of the spouse of a family member (who oddly works hard to raise money for cancer research) and I didn't want to create family discord. I resolved to talk to her quietly about my impressions next time I ran into her.

Today another friend sent me this:

It's that time of year again in support of Breast Cancer Awareness! We all remember last years game of writing your bra color as your status? or the way we like to have our handbag handy?
Remember last year so many people took part that it made national news and the constant updating of status reminded everyone why we're doing this and helped raise awareness!
DO NOT tell any males what the status' mean, keep them guessing And please Broadcast this to all ur female friends to see if we can make a bigger fuss this year than last year ;);)
I did my part... So now its YOUR turn!
The idea is to choose the month You were born and the day you were born. Pass this on to the girls only and lets see how far it reaches around. The last one about the bra went round the world.
So you'll write... I'm (your birth month) weeks and I'm craving (your birth date) !!! as your status :p:p
Example: Feb 14th= I'm 2 weeks and craving Choclolate mints!! ;);)
January-1weekFebuary-2weeksMarch-3weeksApril-4weeksMay-6weeksJune-8weeksJuly-10weeksAugust-12weeksSeptember-13weeksOctober-14weeksNovember-16weeksDecember-18weeks
Days of the month:
1- Skittles2- Starburst3- Kit-Kat4- M&M's5- Tomatoes6- Ice Cream7- Dairy Milk8- Lollipop9- Peanut Butter Cups10- Meat Balls11- Twizzlers12- Bubble Gum13- Hershey's Kisses14- Chocolate Mints15- Twix16- Cheese17- Fudge18- Cherry Jello19- Banana's20- Pickels21- Chicken Wings22- Skittles23- Gummy Bears24- Gummy Worms25- Strawberry Pop Tarts26- Starburst27- Mini Eggs28- Kit-Kat Chunkie29- Double Chocolate Chip Chrunchy Cookies 30- Smarties31- Chocolate Cake
Have Fun! :D:D

So now we are not only bring frivolity to cancer but also to infertility. I know this has been debated ad nauseum but I needed to vent somewhere. I don't think these stupid games raise awareness of anything but stupid games while at the same time being hurtful and insensitive. If you do get this silly letter please don't forward it on - some people just aren't going to get the joke.

Twins?

Not an uncommon question for us.

"No, Kamryn and Sam aren't twins. He is two years younger than she is."

Sales clerk looks at us skeptically. "Really? How old are they?"

It's happening. The eclipse. She's still taller than he is (by about an inch and a half so not really all that noticeable unless they are standing back to back). She outweighs him by one solitary pound - maybe. He was last weighed in July; Kamryn just this week. He wears shoes a half size larger than her.

Since they are opposite sexes I expected him to pass her eventually. I didn't think it would happen at the age of 7.

My kids are too talented for the parents they have.

I don’t know how we got here. Kind of funny.

Kamryn who just turned 9 has been playing the piano since she was 5. She started in a program called Music for Young Children. I pulled her out of what would have been her fourth and final year because in her third year she was leaps and bounds ahead of the other kids in the class and obviously bored. We started private lessons last September. She took her grade one national examinations in January and got first class honours. She started grade two in February and played a grade two piece in a local competition in April and came second in her class (at this point the director of her music school noticed her and things began to move kind of fast). She passed her grade two exams in early June (first class honours again) and moved on to Grade three. She’s now done with grade three and ready for exams again but there isn’t a testing period again until January. Plan was to move ahead with grade four regardless.

Yesterday, the director of the school – who has taken Kamryn on as a pupil proposed that Kamryn prepare for what is called the Canadian Music Competition. It’s a big deal and a national competition. The pieces Kamryn would play are actually a couple of grade levels beyond what she is playing now. Her teacher is positive Kamryn could play them. It would mean pushing Kamryn.

Now Kamryn is not a competitive kid. She’s ALWAYS been content to be an also ran but she’s not above questioning why other kids get recognition for things and she doesn’t – ummm…. you didn’t try at all?!?. If we didn’t push her to do things she’s sit in her room listing to her MP3 player for the rest of her life (seriously). So we push and she’s pretty accommodating because she is generally an accommodating kid. This is different though.

I’m of two minds – challenge her (and I believe she needs the challenge) and this is really something a kid HAS to want for themselves.

I originally wrote this out seeking advice but this is why writing is so great. By the time I got here I knew the answer. I’m definitely caught up in the director’s excitement and my own need to please “authority.” A great opportunity and we’ll tell her teacher that but maybe not for Kamryn this year (or ever). I think we’ll do grade four Conservatory. Take a big swing at the Kiwanis music festival in the spring and see where we are next year.

Interestingly we’re facing similar (but different) challenges with Sam who is such a different kid and stresses over not being the best at anything he tries. He’s been playing U8 soccer this year instead of U7 a little because he is a pretty good soccer player but more because it worked out better for our schedule. It has however kind of messed up where he plays next year as U9 splits into a competitive and house league stream. The U9 house league stream with the club he plays with would be a significant step down for him (we know this because this is where Kamryn is currently playing). When we asked the club coaches for advice they were shocked to learn he is only 7 and saw no problem with him starting competitive play a year early.

We’re supposed to talk to the competitive coach – I’ve been avoiding him. Sam could do it no problem and its what he would want but I was kind of looking forward to one last laid back year with him. Its evident though that we need to do something (either change clubs or let him play competitive). I'm just not ready to deal yet.

Again, don’t know how we got here.

Helpless

Can you spare a thought, a moment, a prayer for Meredith over at Pithydithy?

I have never met Meredith but I’ve “known” her for many years. As we both fought infertility and grew our families we've exchanged e-mails, blogposts, Christmas cards. I consider her a friend and have always looked forward to actually meeting her. She’s a strong, interesting, intelligent woman and she was living an enviable life with two gorgeous sons (her absolute dream) and a sweet and doting husband.

Last week, while on a family vacation the family was involved in a horrific car accident that took the life of her beloved Mr. Pithy. I can’t stop thinking of her and how she will go on. She will go on because she has two special boys who need her. She will endure because she is a strong woman who is looked up to and admired. She will persevere because that’s what people do. But I can’t imagine. It’s going to be very hard. In a split second her entire universe changed...

I'm so angry for her. I'm so confused.

I feel, as I guess most people do in situations like this, completely helpless. My brain can’t comprehend what happened. My heart is searching for a way to fix it. I don’t even feel I can lend real support from so far away... from the other side of a computer. For a little while we planned to go to the funeral but unfortunately our passports expired two weeks ago (to get new ones on short notice is crazy expensive, plus the expense of going to Vermont is just not something we can handle right now) and more significantly, I know that there are others – people that Meredith really knows and loves – that will be there to support her. Still I can’t stop thinking of her and her precious boys and so I turn to my trusty blog; where I’ve always turned in times of despair to talk it out in a post.

But if you can spare a moment of thought for Meredith and her little family …

New Blog

I have a new blog. Not that I'm abandonning this one despite my dirge of posts.

All in all there isn't much to write about here. Things are going fine. We've had some ups and downs lately with regards to Sam (mostly downs which is the problem). I think his medication needs to be adjusted but then again there is only a few weeks left of school. I don't know how much of his behavior can be attributed to ADHD and how much to end of school antsyness. It doesn't help that he finished his grade one curriculum last month and is now basically doing busy work - not the best situation for a boy that needs to be constantly engaged. As we only have two weeks of school left I figured I would let things ride. We already have an appointment set to see his doctor at the end of the month anyway. Also he has periods where he is an absolute angel once he's gotten into enough trouble. I know its hard for him but he is capable of following the classroom rules when he decides he needs to me. Steam, at times, comes out of my ears.

Something disturbing me more and more is the disappearance of his grandmother. She has really disappeared, we know where she is, but she has limited contact so severely I worry something must be up. She missed Christmas and his birthday but somehow remembered to send him something for Easter (his birthday followed Easter)? She's an alcoholic and I wonder if she is drinking. She doesn't call and its just strange. I feel really bad for Sam because he misses her. This kind of behavior is exactly why we weren't enthusiastic over the idea of regular contact with his birthmother (not that it was ever going to happen given her lifestyle anyway). In the end she has been the stable one (well kind of she remembered his birthday but not Christmas). Right now when Sam asks after his Nana we just try to brightly explain that she is very busy and lives very far away. Don't know what more I can say?

He asked us if he was adopted a few months back. Ummm... ya. Poor kid. Just goes to show what they know and what they understand is so totally different. It also highlights Sam's problems with understanding the abstract. Kamryn just understood (she gave her brother a "duh" when he asked the question) but Sam who never asks about adoption knew but obviously didn't understand. We talked about his birthfamily and our family and how if you had a birthfamily and another family you were adopted. He had the parts right he just didn't know how everything fit together.

Anyway, we're all fine.

And I've started running. Well not really. Over three days I've run for a total of 15 minutes but as that is 15 times more than I've run in the last year we're doing well. I've embarked on a couch to 5 K program. I will quit unless others know what I'm doing. I need the peer pressure so I wrote a blog (http://couchtoacrosstheroom.blogspot.com/). If you do pop over to read about how pathetically out of shape it is possible for a healthy individual to get please don't mention this blog. Thanks all.

Can I crow a little about Kamryn?

Kamryn is 8. She's been playing the piano since she was 5 although she started in a group class that was more focused on fun than real progress (which was what we were looking for at that point). She was ALWAYS ahead of her peers so much so that while we loved the program she was in and loved her teacher even more, I pulled her out this year from what would have been her last year and we moved to private lessons. Maya is following the curriculum of the Royal Conservatory of Music. A venerable institution that pretty much anyone who takes music lessons works with. There is a syllabus of music graded from grade 1 through 10. Completing grade 8 will get you a grade 12 high school music credit. It can be serious stuff. Maya and I started casually working on grade 1 last summer (very casually - it was summer break after all). She did her grade 1 exam in January and received first class honours with a grade of 87. She started working on grade two pieces at that point. She competed in a city-wide music festival last week, playing against kids that had likely been working on their pieces since September vice Kamryn's February. Many of the competitors were several years older than her; all of them performed incredibly. Their was this one child, an Asian boy about 8 years old (I must admit to a prejudice. When he entered the room initially – without ever having heard him play - I didn’t think Kamryn had a chance). He was wearing tails. He played beautifully. His dynamics stunned me. I thought he’d won it all. When they named him as the third place finisher I was certain Kamryn would receive a lovely “thanks for coming out” certificate. I was fine with that – I thought she’d done her best and I thought that is what she likely deserved. I was totally stunned when they called Kamryn's name as the second place finisher with a mark of 86. Then again, I knew every mistake she made because I had heard her piece played a gazillion and one times while remaining essentially clueless on her competitors’ pieces. Last night her piano teacher pulled me aside and suggested that we move on to grade 3 pieces because she really was done with grade 2 and to keep working on those pieces until an exam in August was pointless. So grade 3 here we come. At 8, I was still working on Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. Kamryn is wonderful; she rarely complains about practicing although she doesn't like to do it; she likes going to her lessons and she is super modest (that or clueless at how good she really is). When we went to the competition on Friday I was completely emotional (had to hold back tears before she played). The emotion hit me out of the blue and I really can't explain it (hadn’t felt that overwhelmed since her pre-school graduation) but I'm so immensely proud of her. Just had to brag a little. Thanks.

Ipad 2

The Ipad 2 goes on sale today.

I'm very excited.

I've wanted one for so long.

My friend is vacationing in Florida and promised to try and get me one. I'm trying to keep that hope in check as he is already committed to buying one for himself and one other person and I know in the past the limit was 2 per person. At worse I'll have to wait another two weeks but the US purchase would be cheaper and more immediate.

I'm vibrating. ;)

Different

So I’m relearning how to parent. An interesting dynamic has arisen in our home. For five years things have revolved around Sam. Really they have although I didn’t fully realize it until now. I can’t remember the circumstances exactly but last summer my mother took the kids overnight as she sometimes does. I had a huge swath of time off last summer and was pretty much home with the children full time and I enjoyed that. But then Mom took the kids for a night. She volunteered to keep them for longer and I declined. Midway through the day we were supposed to keep them up I realized how restful not dealing with Sam issues was and I called and asked if she could keep them one more day. Restful – it was restful.

It’s not that he is/was a bad kid of anything; it’s just that he was a lot of work. Even when he was being agreeable (and he can be so agreeable, always desperate to help and looking for approval in everything he does.) but things could go from peaceful to disastrous in mere seconds. The easiest way I can explain Sam is as a two year old with the size and abilities and intelligence of an almost 7 year old. You can’t watch a 6 year old they way you watch a two year old. It doesn’t help their development any and it certainly doesn’t contribute positively to anyone’s sanity. But you had to because the judgements he was making and the speed he was making them with – exactly like a toddler. That’s exhausting.

I couldn’t send him out to play for instance with the neighbourhood kids because even with me standing RIGHT THERE conflict would arise and Sam was always RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of it. Always. Easier not to let him play with the kids which doesn’t help his social development any. Regardless, the kids didn’t want to play with him (no wonder as he would commandeer their toys, cheat at any sport, and push and hit to get what he wanted). Combine him with the wrong kind of kid (his horribly over-indulged and whiney same-aged cousin for instance) and regardless of what happened he was painted in the role of the bad guy (something that pisses me off to no end). And so it went.

Now I have a different child. At times unrecognizable for how agreeable things can be. It’s not perfect but it’s pretty good. He listens and responds. He can sit quietly and accomplish a task. I actually gave him a book the other night and told him to go and read and he did so quietly and happily and then recounted me the story so I could assess his level of comprehension (which was excellent I was so impressed never having tried that before). He still talks constantly (constantly might be too weak a word here) and his impulsiveness is still out of whack but just having a calmer soul around takes much of the exhaustion out of parenting him. The things he can do now stun me.

But faced with this new child I make mistakes. He’s not perfect. The other day Daniel found Sam’s daily pill on the stairs. I don’t know when the pill was from (although I have my suspicions given a HORRENDOUS day he had at school a few days prior). I had been giving him his pill (literally putting it in his mouth) and assuming he was swallowing it (we don’t use water because he couldn’t figure out how to swallow the water and the pill at the same time – water would dribble out of his mouth, he would choke and after ten minutes there was still a dissolving pill on his tongue. It wouldn’t have been comical to observe if it wasn’t so serious). Obviously not. I know exactly how said pill was propelled from his mouth before swallowing – since he NEVER stops talking it makes sense that would occur. We talked about how important it was to take his medication and that if he couldn’t swallow a pill he was to tell me. Now I feed it to him every morning in a spoonful of yogurt and check to make sure he has swallowed it.

I’m finding new things to do with him. Puzzles. He loves puzzles but couldn’t do one without constant prodding to continue. He finished a 250 piece puzzle the other day on his own. This afternoon I need to go find some more for him to complete – March break next week. It’s a great activity for him to concentrate on. Books – I have a whole list of chapter books that I’ve reserved for him at the library. He can read them just fine (he’s been reading Kamryn’s old stash) on his own (before it was difficult even to read to him) and enjoy himself. There are all sorts of activities I wouldn’t have even considered involving him in the past that are just there for the taking now. I’m falling over myself searching them out.

Prior to this diagnosis, I also spent a great deal of energy pretending I was coping well and that things were normal. It’s been nice to abandon that pretext to be able to accept that things aren’t normal and that normal parenting solutions were not going to work. It’s been nice to let go of some of the worry. Some of the fear that things were never going to get any better. The terror that we were only caretaking this child until he got arrested and went to prison (no exaggeration this was almost a daily thought and there is good reason behind it that I can’t get into).

Kamryn is also a mild concern. She seems to have filled the behaviour void. r maybe her rambunctiousness is at the same level but is no longer countered by that of her brother’s. It’s not a problem per se but needs some attention. It could also be a reaction to the increase in positive attention her sibling is all of a sudden receiving. In many ways life still revolves around Sam, it’s just as difficult so she’s attention-seeking in a not so desirable manner. It’s hard to keep Sam calm when his sister is climbing the curtains. She’s old enough to set a better example and we’re working on maturity (and the privileges that come with it). I looked at her the other day and was struck by how grown-up she looked. Ugh.

Anyway, things are different in our household and everyone is adjusting.

Thief

Sam has been stealing food. Candy to be exact. It's happened a handful of times over the last year and a half or so. He's been punished each time - loss of privileges, restitution etc. In the past month it's happened THREE times. I'm worried. Especially given the medication he is on is supposed to be helping with impulse control. Instead it seems we're dealing with exactly the opposite (first time he wasn't on the medication yet). Sigh.

First incident: I bought some chocolate covered macadamia nuts while I was in Hawaii. They were on a shelf in my bedroom and I'd been taking a few here and there. Then I come into my room one night and the bag is one the floor, nearly empty. Honestly it seemed strange to me but I just thought I'd eaten more than I had thought. Daniel discovered it was Sam. He was punished although I can't even remember what - no desert for the week of something like that.

Second incident, was on 21 Feb; it was a holiday so we were home for the day. At around 10 am I called the kids up from the basement so that I could do homework with them. All of a sudden Sam decides he NEEDS to go to the bathroom right then. I knew something was up and when I asked him to turn around I could see he was desperately trying to swallow what was in his mouth. He had gone into our basement panty and ate three bags of Halloween sized Doritos. I took all the toys out of his room (I left his books). He wasn't allowed out in the morning on his own. He wasn't allowed in the basement alone. He was supposed to spend his afternoons in his room after school everyday (didn't really happen). He had to write lines about being too smart to be a thief (or something inspiring like that; writing lines is a really effective punishment with him since he hates it so). His punishment ended Sunday.

Saturday Kamryn attended a birthday party. I let her keep her loot bag in her room. Tonight she comes to us to tell us someone ate all her candy. Sigh. I could not have been angrier. I woke a sleeping Sam and yelled. There was a lot of yelling. Then I sent him to get a garbage bag and completely empty his room of toys (this time I even took his books. He has NOTHING. Then we/I broke open his piggy bank (it wasn't the type your break open but I couldn't get the stopper out and I was furious so I smashed it open with a hammer - it was a free piggy bank that his kind-hearted sister got him when she went to the bank to open her first bank account. They gave her one and she asked for one for her brother who treats her so badly. The yelling... the taking of toys... no effect at all on Sam but the smashing of the piggy bank; that woke him up completely. The only time he cried was when I made him take his money - all of it and give it to Kamryn as restitution for the candy he stole.)

He can't be hungry. He eats well and when he asks for a snack I rarely say no. Also he's only binging on candy. He's a kid who likes candy ... fine. He's a kid who gets candy... LOTS. I'm not big on restricting treats. He's spoilt if anything else. I'm so disappointed in him. I'm devestated to know I can't trust my own son. He knows it's wrong. He's not stupid. I'm worried. If he's stealing now; this frequently, boldly, and with no consideration of the consequences what is going to happen to him as he gets older? Is he doing this at school too? Seems unbelievable that he would only do it at home. All the hope of the last few weeks is gone. His comportment is better but he's stealing from us?

Anyway, if he's hungry we'll deal with that. I've already increased his school lunches because his teacher told us last week that he complains he's hungry in the afternoons (its more he's not eating what's in his lunch than he didn't have any options but I'm trying here. He regularly comes home with leftovers.) I've left instruction with Daniel that when he gets home from school before he does anything he's to eat one egg (to boast his protein levels). Dinner has always been eat until you're full and I don't intend to change that.

Since he can't be trusted; he can't be alone (i.e. without adult supervision). No more going downstairs and helping himself to what he wants for breakfast (choice of cereal + Yogurt). This morning he sat at the top of the stairs while I got ready for work and then we went down together and I served him cereal (my choice not his) and selected a yogurt for him. He ate while I watched and then he got into his winter stuff and sat on the stairs while I snowblowed the driveway (his sister was inside playing lego). Kamryn walked to the bus stop and he stayed with me. Then I drove him to the stop (I needed the car with me so I could leave immediately for work) and he sat in the car with me until the bus arrived and I let him leave and get on the bus.

The reason we cleared his room of toys is that it's the only place he will be allowed to be alone and with nothing in his room but clothes I know what he's doing when he's in there.

Going to be a lot of together time.

I just don't know...

Organized morning

This morning I rose "bright and early" and slid out of bed well after the alarm clock had gone off to discover the Sam who is always up with the birds was still asleep. Doesn’t take much to get him going though. Kamryn was already downstairs eating breakfast. When I got to the kitchen to pull food together for lunch I saw that the cold meat had expired two weeks ago. Now you should know several things: we aren’t allowed peanut products at the school so no peanut butter sandwiches; we do make sunflower seed sandwiches but Sam hates them; neither child will eat eggs; they had soup for dinner last night. I did think of my normal stand-by: zoodles with cut-up hotdogs in a thermos. No Zoodles or hot dogs in the house. Yikes. So I “made” them beef tortellini w/ tomato and pesto sauce. Okay the pasta was fresh pasta left over from dinner two nights ago and frozen and the sauce was out of a jar still lunch took almost all my time to prepare given we were already running late.

Time for the kids to leave for the bus stop and I’m still in my Pjs. I sent them off on their own (just to the end of our street but I generally try to accompany them.) I had exactly ten minutes to throw some clothes on, pull things together and get to work myself. I’m brushing my teeth going over checklists in my head when I remember Sam’s medication – ugh! Check the time. It’s 8:23 (bus comes at 8:25). Run through options in my head: drop pills off at school; let him skip his morning dose; run down the street like a madwoman calling his name… Ummmm…. Pass. So I run downstairs; grab the pills; throw on my Parka and my boots over bare feet and PJs and jump in the car to drive the 7 houses down the street and give him his pill. Grandmother of neighbour kid standing at the bus stop looks at me like I’m nuts. Nevertheless - crisis averted.

I was so late for work though.

Judgement

Sam has been on methylphenidate for two weeks now. The change in him is complete. He is a different boy. One I don’t quite recognize but in an entirely good way. He is so very proud of himself and for once its true confidence and not bravado (bravado is so terribly annoying – a desperate need to be told constantly how wonderful you are weighs on those around you). This new confidence he has in himself can’t help but make you smile. His teacher is smiling. He has not gotten in trouble at school once since starting the medication. He’s never had two weeks (heck he’s never had a week like this) in his entire school career. It’s not just the meds; there is an entire platoon of people working to help him out. He has a behavioural modification program in place at school (as part of an IEP). He has a 5th grade student shadow him during one of the recesses (to model appropriate play) – I want to hug this child for being so generous with her time (what 11 year old girl wants a 6 year old boy trailing after them?) He meets with a therapist once a week.

The change in him is so remarkable that I want to get a hold of his (missing!) birthfamily and share what we’ve learned to maybe help out his half sister (she’s only 3 but I’d heard they were having difficulties with her similar to what we’ve dealt with in Sam). I know they can’t afford the testing we put Sam through (the testing is available publically but the waiting lists are extremely – like two years – long); I worry about the future for this little girl.

I also wonder about other disadvantaged children. I think/hope that we’ve saved Sam further “damage” (to his abilities; reputation; self-esteem; potential) by giving him the care he’s getting now. I wonder what type of kid he would have been had we waited until he was 8 (the age he would have been had we pursued testing through the school system). I wonder what we all would have endured. I see how important treatment is.

I watched Sam’s medication wear off today (he gets a dose at 8 in the morning and another at noon; we’ve known for days now that after about 3 hours the medication is no longer effective so we’re switching to a longer acting formula next week). I picked him up at school to take him to the doctor at around 10 am. Between the time I picked him up and the time we saw the doctor 1 hour passed. It was like watching a stop motion film. He wasn’t doing anything bad but he went from a normal boy to this hyper kinetic individual. There was nothing subtle or normal about his affect. It was precisely like he’d been given some sort of drug to bring about the change although I knew it was the other way round. It was eye-opening. There were two older women in the waiting room when we were leaving (Sam was literally bouncing off the walls), they were very polite when they commented about his level of energy (think of a wind-up toy gone mad; manic conversation that hoped without pause from one unrelated topic to the next).

I’m very aware that a great many people don’t believe in ADHD. Don’t believe in medicating children. I agree that children are misdiagnosed. I’m certain that children are over-medicated. I wonder at the ease some doctors hand out prescriptions for these very powerful drugs. For Sam we went through 6 hours of psychological testing (over 3 days) I provided daily reports from his teachers going back three years. I turned over all his report cards. There weren’t many stones left undisturbed. We’ve got a good picture of this little boy. By contrast, there is a mother on a BB I frequent. She has posted numerous times about difficulties with her son. She has also posted numerous times about difficulties getting anyone in the medical profession to take her claims seriously. At around the same time we started Sam on medication this woman posted that she had finally found a doctor to “take her seriously.” That this doctor listened to her description of what she was dealing with, agreed her son had ADHD and prescribed a medication. I was a little stunned – we had 4 separate appointments with a psychologist lasting over 2 hours each (Sam was put through a battery of cognitive testing), his teacher and filled out behavioural analysis tests; we had a separate appointment with our family physician. This woman talked a doctor into prescribing medication. Nevertheless, she was as relieved as I was to be helping her son. Ummmm…. The medication was a disaster – her next post. He was hyper and agitated and mean. Ummm… those are the side-effects to taking a stimulant drug when you don’t have ADHD. I truly suspect her son doesn’t have ADHD. She is straining to see improvement in his behaviour (if she only knew how remarkable it can be). She thinks maybe its just the wrong drug for him (and maybe it is!). I can’t say anything. I don’t want to judge but I’m judging; I can’t help it.

I know that people will meet a medicated Sam and question our motives in medicating him. People who don’t understand that ADHD meds don’t work in children without ADHD. People who don’t see how much better his life is. People who’ve met an unmedicated Sam and after spending a very brief amount of time with him pronounce him spirited and normal. They will judge. Let them.

Valentines Stream of Conciousness

Today Daniel left before I was awake.

He’s very good at being really quiet in the morning so I can gain a few more hours sleep. I’m not as generous when our roles are reversed (although I’m generally only up a half hour before he needs to get up rather than 2 ½). Normally even with his efforts I’m up for the day when he is. This morning though I dozed gloriously. I remember the kiss goodbye when he left. Not much beyond that.

I thought of walking over to his building to join him for lunch – he only gets 45 minutes; not worth it (for him not me). Sam has piano lessons at 5:15. I’ll leave work to be home for 5:00 so that Daniel doesn’t have to take Kamryn with him too. Kamryn has soccer at 7:00, so I’ll shovel dinner (leftovers) into her and get her ready so that she can basically get in the car when Sam gets out. Daniel will take her to soccer while I feed Sam (leftovers). I’ll really see Daniel for the first time when he gets back from soccer with Kamryn after 8.

I haven’t planned dinner. No energy and while not really a reflection of the state of my marriage no real impetus. However, if we had a babysitter I would have like to go out to eat; I just don’t feel like cooking and elaborate meal. By 8:30 I’ll be bagged regardless.

I instructed Daniel last week NOT to buy me flowers. They DIE. They cost a lot and then they just die… alone… in the house while I’m at work. What’s the point? He looked a little shocked. I’ve tried to be blunt in the past about the flowers thing and he never gets it so I told him pretty much what I wrote here. Plus (what I didn’t tell him but really believe) I think flowers are a cop out. Get flowers and all is right in the world? What woman wouldn’t want flowers, eh? No need to think harder than what colour would she like. Forget that and just give me the money. How’s that for cynical.

I generally don’t get Daniel anything for Valentines day. This year for some reason I was compelled to purchase him a tie. He rarely wears ties but I’ve noticed his collection has grown a little stale. Nice silk Kenneth Cole tie. After the flower decree, I’m not expecting anything. Maybe a card. Shrug.

Happy Valentines Day.

What a weekend

On Thursday Sam started on Ritalin. He had his first full dose yesterday (Saturday).

OMG, we've had such a good weekend as a family. Hasn't been a weekend with someone constantly harping on Sam. He's played lovingly with his sister. He's listened. He's participated effectively in team sports. We were able to go to the grocery store without it being a disaster. We were able to eat out and enjoy ourselves. When he has had to be disciplined he's looked me in the eye when I spoke to him (something he's not able to do when not medicated). He's not even on a full dose. I don't know how much this is the drug and how much it's me wanting things to be better but it can't all be in my head. I'm really eager for him to go to school on Monday and see how things go there because this is really fantastic.

I WANT to do things with him and really before what would happen is I'd plan all these wonderful things and he's ruin the fun within ten minutes by doing something annoying. Now when he gets excited, its at a normal little boy excited level. It's fun and enjoyable and... normal.

Not what I expected at all (I really was ready for the change to much more subtle).

Abandonment

I’m a little P’Oed at Sam’s birthfamily. They have for all intents and purposes dropped out of this life. With his birthmother this isn’t completely unexpected but his grandmother is acting decidedly weird. Okay this is the type of individual who would send Halloween cards with long letters written to her pre-verbal grandchild. She’s never been particularly reliable i.e. she never visits without “planning to visit” a minimum for 3 times (and ALWAYS cancels last minute). But she has been pretty good about sending him little things. Calling. Keeping in touch. He knows her and he loves her and luckily he’s too little to realize she’s dropped him. All of a sudden this Christmas she just didn’t send him a Christmas present. She called mid-way through January to say she had a new job and was moving and didn’t have an address or a phone number but would contact us when she got settled. Okay … silence. She had promised him a hockey bag (an expensive one that we didn’t buy for him (as we did for Kamryn) because she said she wanted to get it for him for Christmas). So not only didn’t he get a Christmas present but he’s now also the poor neglected child whose sister gets cool things that he doesn’t. Oh and his beloved grandmother has disappeared and not left a forwarding address.

The danger of him getting attached and then the person he loves doing this to him is precisely the reason we were planning to say no when his birthmother asked if she could call and talk to him weekly. She spoke to him on the phone once last year and asked after that if she could call weekly (her request was a text message that we didn’t immediately respond to because we were discussing our response. We would have wanted to discuss this issue with her rather than text about it given she’d only ever spoken with him once but we never heard from her again on the subject. She never phoned again either – not once). Things have been uneven for years but have gone seriously downhill since his birthday last May. She just didn’t send anything. No card, no letter, nada. Later I found out she’d been arrested so that kind of explained it but she wasn’t in jail she was out on bail (she still is) so go figure. No explanation. No contact. At Christmas she made contact (via text message) to ask where to send his present because she’d lost the address again. We tried to find out where she was so that we could send her something. She never answered that inquiry. When we called her cell phone we ended up speaking to someone who knew her but explained that it wasn’t her cellphone anymore. Okay… That was the last we heard of her. I’ve given up. She never sent him anything but really he doesn’t know her at all and she means little to him – she’s just an abstract concept to his 6 year old mind.

I made a calendar for her (and for his grandmother). Cost $50 and a ton of time and effort. They are sitting gathering dust. I don’t have addresses to send anything. I do the Calendars each year for both kids’ birthfamilies. I won’t do another one for Sam ever again (his were really good this year too). Waste of money and effort. I’m just tired of all the work that goes into just tracking down his birthfamily. I’ve done it for Sam. So that when he’s older he can have a relationship with his family but they don’t care. It makes it really apparent what we got him away from. It makes me sad. I quit.

I had a better day.

Despite outward appearances I'm not having any fun.

So I'm in Hawaii on business which is great. I got here on Friday so that I could have some time to adjust to the time difference as well as enjoy Hawaii a little. It really is awesome. I've taken some killer hikes and had some fun but day four and I'm DREADFULLY lonely. Hawaii isn't the place to be all by yourself.

Today was the first day of the seminar I'm attending. I'd looked forward to today all weekend because I thought I would meet some other course participants (they call us "fellows") and at least have somebody to have dinner with in the evening. However, it seems like a good whack of people on the course are from here and aren't anxious to hang out afterwards. The ones that aren't from here all pretty much came with someone or know other people and haven't really reached out beyond "oh, you're Canadian; bet it's cold there." I spent part of the day making small talk with people (I hate small talk) and a good portion wandering around on my own trying to look like I liked being on my own or hanging out on the margins of other people's conversations with no clue whatsoever about what they were talking about. I'm just not the "hi, how are you, would you like to hang out type."

Because of the time difference calling home isn't easy at all. I'd hoped to be able to use the College's WiFi to Skype with the kids at some point during the day and found out today that that is not possible (I miss them so much that this is a hard blow; it means I won't be able to talk to them until Saturday). Tonight I got back to my condo too late and missed my opportunity to Skype with Daniel. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but I was really looking forward to it. I'm on the verge of tears but trying to hold them back just in case he logs on (which is REALLY a remote possibility at this point).

So ya it is possible to be miserable in paradise. Oh and I think I'm coming down with a cold.