Valentines Stream of Conciousness

Today Daniel left before I was awake.

He’s very good at being really quiet in the morning so I can gain a few more hours sleep. I’m not as generous when our roles are reversed (although I’m generally only up a half hour before he needs to get up rather than 2 ½). Normally even with his efforts I’m up for the day when he is. This morning though I dozed gloriously. I remember the kiss goodbye when he left. Not much beyond that.

I thought of walking over to his building to join him for lunch – he only gets 45 minutes; not worth it (for him not me). Sam has piano lessons at 5:15. I’ll leave work to be home for 5:00 so that Daniel doesn’t have to take Kamryn with him too. Kamryn has soccer at 7:00, so I’ll shovel dinner (leftovers) into her and get her ready so that she can basically get in the car when Sam gets out. Daniel will take her to soccer while I feed Sam (leftovers). I’ll really see Daniel for the first time when he gets back from soccer with Kamryn after 8.

I haven’t planned dinner. No energy and while not really a reflection of the state of my marriage no real impetus. However, if we had a babysitter I would have like to go out to eat; I just don’t feel like cooking and elaborate meal. By 8:30 I’ll be bagged regardless.

I instructed Daniel last week NOT to buy me flowers. They DIE. They cost a lot and then they just die… alone… in the house while I’m at work. What’s the point? He looked a little shocked. I’ve tried to be blunt in the past about the flowers thing and he never gets it so I told him pretty much what I wrote here. Plus (what I didn’t tell him but really believe) I think flowers are a cop out. Get flowers and all is right in the world? What woman wouldn’t want flowers, eh? No need to think harder than what colour would she like. Forget that and just give me the money. How’s that for cynical.

I generally don’t get Daniel anything for Valentines day. This year for some reason I was compelled to purchase him a tie. He rarely wears ties but I’ve noticed his collection has grown a little stale. Nice silk Kenneth Cole tie. After the flower decree, I’m not expecting anything. Maybe a card. Shrug.

Happy Valentines Day.

What a weekend

On Thursday Sam started on Ritalin. He had his first full dose yesterday (Saturday).

OMG, we've had such a good weekend as a family. Hasn't been a weekend with someone constantly harping on Sam. He's played lovingly with his sister. He's listened. He's participated effectively in team sports. We were able to go to the grocery store without it being a disaster. We were able to eat out and enjoy ourselves. When he has had to be disciplined he's looked me in the eye when I spoke to him (something he's not able to do when not medicated). He's not even on a full dose. I don't know how much this is the drug and how much it's me wanting things to be better but it can't all be in my head. I'm really eager for him to go to school on Monday and see how things go there because this is really fantastic.

I WANT to do things with him and really before what would happen is I'd plan all these wonderful things and he's ruin the fun within ten minutes by doing something annoying. Now when he gets excited, its at a normal little boy excited level. It's fun and enjoyable and... normal.

Not what I expected at all (I really was ready for the change to much more subtle).

Abandonment

I’m a little P’Oed at Sam’s birthfamily. They have for all intents and purposes dropped out of this life. With his birthmother this isn’t completely unexpected but his grandmother is acting decidedly weird. Okay this is the type of individual who would send Halloween cards with long letters written to her pre-verbal grandchild. She’s never been particularly reliable i.e. she never visits without “planning to visit” a minimum for 3 times (and ALWAYS cancels last minute). But she has been pretty good about sending him little things. Calling. Keeping in touch. He knows her and he loves her and luckily he’s too little to realize she’s dropped him. All of a sudden this Christmas she just didn’t send him a Christmas present. She called mid-way through January to say she had a new job and was moving and didn’t have an address or a phone number but would contact us when she got settled. Okay … silence. She had promised him a hockey bag (an expensive one that we didn’t buy for him (as we did for Kamryn) because she said she wanted to get it for him for Christmas). So not only didn’t he get a Christmas present but he’s now also the poor neglected child whose sister gets cool things that he doesn’t. Oh and his beloved grandmother has disappeared and not left a forwarding address.

The danger of him getting attached and then the person he loves doing this to him is precisely the reason we were planning to say no when his birthmother asked if she could call and talk to him weekly. She spoke to him on the phone once last year and asked after that if she could call weekly (her request was a text message that we didn’t immediately respond to because we were discussing our response. We would have wanted to discuss this issue with her rather than text about it given she’d only ever spoken with him once but we never heard from her again on the subject. She never phoned again either – not once). Things have been uneven for years but have gone seriously downhill since his birthday last May. She just didn’t send anything. No card, no letter, nada. Later I found out she’d been arrested so that kind of explained it but she wasn’t in jail she was out on bail (she still is) so go figure. No explanation. No contact. At Christmas she made contact (via text message) to ask where to send his present because she’d lost the address again. We tried to find out where she was so that we could send her something. She never answered that inquiry. When we called her cell phone we ended up speaking to someone who knew her but explained that it wasn’t her cellphone anymore. Okay… That was the last we heard of her. I’ve given up. She never sent him anything but really he doesn’t know her at all and she means little to him – she’s just an abstract concept to his 6 year old mind.

I made a calendar for her (and for his grandmother). Cost $50 and a ton of time and effort. They are sitting gathering dust. I don’t have addresses to send anything. I do the Calendars each year for both kids’ birthfamilies. I won’t do another one for Sam ever again (his were really good this year too). Waste of money and effort. I’m just tired of all the work that goes into just tracking down his birthfamily. I’ve done it for Sam. So that when he’s older he can have a relationship with his family but they don’t care. It makes it really apparent what we got him away from. It makes me sad. I quit.

I had a better day.

Despite outward appearances I'm not having any fun.

So I'm in Hawaii on business which is great. I got here on Friday so that I could have some time to adjust to the time difference as well as enjoy Hawaii a little. It really is awesome. I've taken some killer hikes and had some fun but day four and I'm DREADFULLY lonely. Hawaii isn't the place to be all by yourself.

Today was the first day of the seminar I'm attending. I'd looked forward to today all weekend because I thought I would meet some other course participants (they call us "fellows") and at least have somebody to have dinner with in the evening. However, it seems like a good whack of people on the course are from here and aren't anxious to hang out afterwards. The ones that aren't from here all pretty much came with someone or know other people and haven't really reached out beyond "oh, you're Canadian; bet it's cold there." I spent part of the day making small talk with people (I hate small talk) and a good portion wandering around on my own trying to look like I liked being on my own or hanging out on the margins of other people's conversations with no clue whatsoever about what they were talking about. I'm just not the "hi, how are you, would you like to hang out type."

Because of the time difference calling home isn't easy at all. I'd hoped to be able to use the College's WiFi to Skype with the kids at some point during the day and found out today that that is not possible (I miss them so much that this is a hard blow; it means I won't be able to talk to them until Saturday). Tonight I got back to my condo too late and missed my opportunity to Skype with Daniel. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but I was really looking forward to it. I'm on the verge of tears but trying to hold them back just in case he logs on (which is REALLY a remote possibility at this point).

So ya it is possible to be miserable in paradise. Oh and I think I'm coming down with a cold.

Relatively Balmy

Everything is relative. I got up this morning and I couldn’t get out of bed. Well I was physically able I just didn’t want to. The weather channel said it was – 25 C out and after been spoiled with weeks of unseasonable warm winter weather I wasn’t ready to face – 25. Ugh! But the world must go on.

So I planned well.

My favourite black wool slacks.

A black turtle neck;

A stylish light cardigan (for fashion not warmth);

And socks, comfy black socks (certainly not a day for nylons!).

When it came time to actually go outside, then I turned on the big guns.

My well-worn but comfy black Helly Hansen fleece;



my Columbia hikers (with thinsulate!);



my knee length 600-down fill Land’s End Parka;



My super warm and long Gap scarf;

< sorry no picture; couldn't find one online, just picture long and grey and constantly shedding lint onto everything I wear but oh so loved >

And my super thick leather down-filled Kombi Ski mitts.



I didn’t wear a hat to avoid hat hair but I put up the hood on my parka and cemented everything into place with my scarf. To get to work I park my car at a Park-and-Ride and then have to hoof it over a fairly long highway overpass to grab a bus on the opposite side. It’s a cold walk on a regular - 10 morning. Last night, after watching the weather forecast, I lay in bed trying to figure out a way around having to take that route. This morning, I looked like an Inuit warrior but I was so toasty warm. The cold never touched me. I’ve been colder (honestly) when it’s been +10C out.

Everything is relative. Given the choice between being too warm or too cold I’ll always take too cold. You can ALWAYS put on another layer but you can only take so much off.

The whole city is one massive fog bank. There is ice fog everywhere. It’s très cool.

Sam

I guess I need a Sam entry. Yes, I have been avoiding it, not wanting to say to much on an essentially public forum because as we’ve discussed in the past there really is no anonymity here.

I will share that yes we got a diagnosis of ADHD (with an emphasis on impulsiveness) from the psychologist. That’s not really a mystery – spend an hour with Sam and it's pretty obvious. There were some surprises within the diagnosis as well though – some promising and some a little disheartening. Let’s just say that Sam has some innate strengths and abilities that should help him manage the deficits he has. He’s quite a complex little guy.

His psychologist is excellent. I really liked her and wish that we could continue to see her. However, she doesn’t do counselling only evaluations and doesn’t feel that, for ADHD, counselling does any good anyways. Still there are questions I still have and as we try different strategies at home and at school it would be most helpful to be able to bounce ideas off someone. One the other hand I have no idea how we’d pay for it all. We maxed out our insurance just getting the evaluations done (there is some spare capacity remaining but not much so I better not crack up this year!). For instance – something small here - Sam has a real facility for puzzles and he really enjoys doing them. I think it might have to do with immediate gratification which he really needs but I don’t know. I’d like to discuss this with the psychologist and get some confirmation (not that its really needed as its pretty obvious) that this is an activity we should focus on.

The psychologist recommended a cushion called a “sit-fit” for Sam to sit on at school as a way to make it easier for him to stay in his chair (something that is a BIG challenge for him). So he went to school with it yesterday with strict instructions that it wasn’t a toy and that if he continued to disrupt the class his teacher would take it. Don’t know how that worked out but no notes from the teacher and hopefully after the newness wears off he won’t focus on it so much (he was a little off the wall excited about it which was worrisome).

We haven’t received a full written report yet from the psychologist. She promised it for the end of this month. We have an appointment with our primary care physician to discuss medication in February – it has been recommended and if our doctor agrees, we will go forward with medication. The pressure is off a little though not because of the overall diagnosis but the little things I learned about Sam. Things indirectly related to the ADHD that I thought he did consciously and now I see and understand that he has absolutely no control over. Things that the psychologist has given us some tools to deal with and others that just understanding that the deficit is there have helped me find creative ways to deal with them.

I think Daniel is still in a dream world though. I just don’t think he gets it (and the two of them are going to drive me round the bend if he doesn’t he doesn’t get it soon). He just rides Sam for every little thing he does wrong – and boy that kid can pile up offenses quickly. Rather than stressing the positive he ALWAYS begins with the negative, which isn’t helping a little boy who comes across as a braggart and a bully but in reality has very little self-esteem. I’m not a saint either and parenting a child like Sam isn’t easy but its obvious that Daniel’s methods aren’t working particularly well so I don’t understand why he persists. I’m trying to get him to read some of the books the psychologist recommended but I feel a little like Sisyphus here. He’s just not a reader (in our entire relationship I’ve never known him to read a book cover to cover – even ones he’s sought out himself; he just never finishes reading them). Small victory in getting him to read a book that we got for Sam (he had to read it to him) called “Mon Cerveau Besoin des Lunettes” (My Brain Needs Glasses) – great book for kids with ADHD by the way. It’s hard to find in English (it was originally written in French – woohoo! a resource in the required language for once) but definitely worth the effort.

As an aside, one of the things we did learn in all the testing is that Sam is definitely a francophone. His receptive language skills in French were ranked at the 8.3 year old level while his English was at the 6.0 year old level (he’s 6 ½) also he doesn’t learn abstract concepts like language easily so working in English (his second language) is not advised. Unfortunately, it's REALLY hard to find resources to help kids with ADHD and some of the other problems Sam has in French. All the support groups, peer sessions etc. are all in English (even the testing materials are hard to come by). Surprising in a city a profoundly bilingual as ours but definitely the reality. It's a little frustrating.

Anyway, we’re fine. Sam is fine and will be all right. It’s going to be a challenging decade (and beyond!) though. And yes, having a diagnosis makes things a lot easier (I no longer feel like a nut case, still a bad parent sometimes but not a nutcase one. ;))

Whining about whining

So I participate in an online bulletin board. Today I’m a little disgusted with them. More than one individual is complaining about “list management.” What is that you ask? It’s suggesting to friends and relatives who want to BUY presents for YOUR CHILDREN what said children might like.

Ummm… this is a chore?

If its so awful; decline.

Tell them to make a nice donation to charity in your children’s names. Leave it at that. De-stress. Okay, I’m not a saint. I regularly whine about problems that aren’t really problems but when so many people are struggling to make it financially. In the face of real financial hardships, to listen to people complain about the difficultly of suggesting to others what they can buy their already spoiled children really annoys me.

On another note. Our little hockey team seems to have pre-vailed again the “evil-league.” No one has been “traded” and all the kids remain with the team. Might I add that our little “superstar goal scorer” is so incredibly cute. He’s shy and humble and doesn’t know he’s as good as he is. He’s just having fun. This weekend he was over the moon excited because he had new skates (as opposed to used skates which is the norm).

So we prevailed in our arguments not to break up the team and all the kids are still together. The team is now VERY bonded (no real change with the kids most of whom had no idea anything was happening but the parents… whoa!). The on Saturday our little team met what we assumed was the best team in the league and beat them handily 4 - 0. But it gets worse because on Sunday we then played the weakest team in the league. They stopped putting the score on the board when the sixth goal went in mid-way through the first period. No one knew the real score until we saw the game sheet at the end of the game. At least it wasn’t a shut-out because the opposing team scored a goal (and we cheered oh so enthusiastically) but the final score was a hard to justify 18 – 1. Totally not our fault as the other team is not from our association (and we certainly weren’t asked to give them a player) but still a shock to everyone. It did demonstrate our point that one player wouldn’t have made a difference though – once again every player contributed. Our star got 4 goals out of 18; everyone was in on the scoring and even Kamryn got an assist. So sue us.

Okay must end on the happy – our Christmas tree is up.

STUPID

So Kamryn’s hockey team is doing extremely well this year. They are undefeated with 7 wins and 3 ties and sit at the top of the standings. We’re midway through the season and they have a good (but by no means certain) chance of finishing in first place. Yay kids! You’d think. Not so much. There are 13 teams in their division. Within that division 4 of the teams (including Kamryn’s) are from the same association. One of the teams is not doing as well as the others. They aren’t in last ploace (they’re 11th) but not all that hot either. That’s the way you’d figure it would be. Someone has to win and someone has to lose and I don’t know what they expect. Well actually I do – they expect everyone to win. In order to accomplish this – despite the fact that more than half the season is over – they want to take one of our top scorers and transfer them to the losing team. Ummm….

The losing team has done no fundraising. They are registered in no tournaments. The parents have demonstrated a spectacularly low level of support for the team (there isn't a real team manager, no assistant coaches, no one willing to organize fundraising etc.) They are good at one thing whining LOUDLY (well the parents are anyways; I suspect the kids are great). It's no surprise they are not winning games on the ice. They aren't a team. The association’s response to the whining though is to demand Kamryn's team give up a top scorer (or any other player for that matter regardless fo ability). Ummmm…. No.

We have a solid team. On and off the ice. They are really bonded. They are team mates and friends. They are 7 and 8 years old and aren't going to understand why they are being moved to a team that is inferior in every way (and I'm not talking about ability but rather attitude). It's just not fair to any of them. We’ve done a great deal of fundraising. We’ve taken team pictures; we’ve bought team jackets; we’ve played in a tournament; we’ve registered for two more. Tournament registration is closed – any player who joins our team now would not be eligible to play in those tournaments and the player we gave up would miss out despite the fact that the fundraising his parents contributed to is helping to pay for the tournament.

So the league asked for a player (the deadline for movements between teams was three weeks ago and had they asked then we would have whined and conceded we had no choice). The coaches said no. So the league, going against its own by-laws, is now trying to strong arm parents into having their child switch teams (on the mistaken assumption that some parents won’t realize their rights). It’s all gotten extremely heated and nasty and its just STUPID. These are little kids playing hockey. Let them play and stay out of it. No one is being hurt here but the kids. Leave them alone!

Well I guess we can stop contributing to his College fund

Random conversation while driving in the car yesterday:

Sam: Maman, in university, do you go outside and play?

Me: No.

Sam: Oh ... (pause) but you do get snack, right?

Me: No.

Sam: Oh dear...

No time to be sick

Today I’m feeling crappy. I’m not going to die or anything – just a head cold and what I’d like to do is just curl up on the couch for the day. Not going to happen.

Kamryn had hockey practice at 7:00 am; Sam at 7:30 am, which is better than it sounds in that they were play/practicing in adjoining arenas so all the hockey “fun” was over with by 8:30 am and we weren’t driving all around the city. The bad part is is dragging one’s cold-weary butt out of bed at 6:00 to go and sit in a freezing cold arena. Kamryn has a birthday party to go to at 11:00 am (her Dad will drive her; my contribution has been making sure she’s dressed nicely and that the gift is bought and wrapped). I have to be a Shenkman Arts Centre at 12:00 pm in advance of a 2:00 pm performance. It’s our annual Christmas concert and I’m just not up for it. Nothing like honking on a clarinet when your throat feels like you’ve swallowed gravel. I’m so looking forward for 4 pm when we should be done.

After the concert I will need to help Kamryn bake cookies for school. Then I will be done. The Grey Cup is today. Traditionally you eat pizza and chili for the Grey Cup game. I know I have frozen chili in the freezer and I have some frozen pizzas – tada!

Feeling a little deflated

Yay - we met with a psychologist today. She seemed switched on, well qualified and old enough to automatically give her an air of efficacy. I liked her.

Yay - Sam was cooperative and pleasant but not so much that we looked like crazy people for suggesting something might be wrong with our child.

Boo - After only a half day of school he received a written warning from his teacher (an official form not the regular note in his agenda) for hitting another child (albeit on the hand) and being disrespectful.

Sigh ...

A Picture Says a Thousand Words

One of these boys is not like the others. One of these boys just isn't the same. Can you tell me which boy is not like the others before I finish this song? Can you pick Sam out in this picture? Note I didn't take the picture but was really struck to the core when I saw it.

Life without a cell phone

I don’t have a cell phone. I haven’t had one for over a month now. When my empoyer no longer required me to have a blackberry and took the one they had given me I never got around to getting a new phone (I did half-heartedly shop for one). There have been a couple of times this month (no more than two or three) where it would have been nice to have to option of a phone but nothing critical. No need stronger than “nice to have.” Telling someone you don’t have a cell phone now-a-days generally invokes questionable glances. People are more likely not to have a home phone that to not have a cell phone. My 70-year-old mother has one.

I don’t need a phone. Never have. I think we’ve been conditioned to be available 24/7 and that’s really not all that necessary. I’m not that important. I plan my life a little – make a phone call, if I need to, before I leave my office or when I get home.

Here’s the thing. For security reasons I cannot use or even allow one to be on in my workplace. When I venture from my office during the day there is a better than 50 percent chance that I won’t remember to take a cell phone with me. There is a greater than 75 per cent chance that if I take it with me I won’t remember to turn it on. I’m completely reachable when I’m in my office I have this lovely black thin on my desk with buttons that occasionally rings. Can’t use a cell phone while driving – of course hand-free is allowed but I don’t really believe in that being any safer than holding a phone and yammering away into it. There aren’t very many places/times where I can actually use a cell phone. I’m worried that my husband (who is extremely attached to his cell phone) will think a cell phone would be a great Christmas present. I don’t want one.

The common arguement (and I've used it) is "what if the children need my help." Well the school has my work number, if they can't get a hold of me they have my parents phone number, if they can't get a hold of them then they can call my husband. Someone will get to the kids (probably in the end me!). Last winter Sam fell ill at school. It was 3:30 pm and the school bus left at 3:45 pm they were questioning whether to put him on the bus or not and called me. I had left work (to get home in time to meet the school bus) so they left a message on my voice mail at work. I had not yet made it home so I missed their second attempt to reach me. They left a message at home as well. Then they called my cell phone. I was driving home to meet the school bus and forced to ignore the ringing phone or break the law. They left a third message. Had I been able to answer the ringing cellphone it would not have changed the outcome in any way as I was too far away to provide a better option than sending him home on the bus. I was unreachable for 15 minutes. Sam did not die. They put him on the school bus (as I would have told them to do) and when he got off the bus I put him to bed. These are the extent of the foreseeable emergencies in my life.

Instead of buying a cell phone for a hundred dollars and then paying $40 a month (minimum) to not use it anyways, today I bought the family tickets to go and see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra perform. I wouldn’t be able to hear a cell-phone during that raucous show as it is.

HIs first real suit

Yesterday I bought Sam a suit, at his request. My 6-year-old is dying to wear a suit. A wee (completely hyper and totally out-of-control) Alex Keaton perhaps? We were watching Battle of the Blades the other night and one of the hosts was wearing a suit. Sam asked me if he could dress like “that man.” Then a skater came on the screen and he got all excited “No! He exclaimed not like him. Like the other man.”

“The man in the suit?” I asked.

“Yes, he replied” and calmed down a little.

“Ummm… why?”

“I just like it.” he said.

I did a private dance of joy – no “Pants on the Ground” for my kid. My kid has style.

Last week he asked to wear a tie to school. It didn’t survive the day intact (easily fixed though) so the suit may not have been the best idea his Mom has ever had. Anyway it was on sale and I kind of liked it and he asked for it. My 6-year-old asked for a suit. How could I resist. The only problem was the smallest size they had was an 8. I was sceptical but figured at the very worse it would hang in his closet and he’d wear it next year. It was a good price for a nice suit. I was hoping it would need a little tailoring and he could wear it for the next two years (first communion suit – done! Bonus!). Ummm…. He swims in the pants (because he has no discernible waist) but aside from that no tailoring needed – doesn’t even need a hem. Daniel is doubtful that he’ll still fit into it come Easter. It’s a size 8 for pete’s sake! I’m not buying a size 10 for my first grader. Ah well. Maybe his cousin will have a nice suit for his first communion (the two are only months apart but I have to keep reminding the children this, as Sam is about a head taller and a gazillion years more mature).

I Rule!

I’m feeling a little superior. It’s hard to feel superior without sharing.

I brought my lunch to work today: butternut squash soup, a red pepper cut into strips, an apple and a diet ginger ale. Substitute cherry tomatoes for the red pepper and its exactly the same lunch I had yesterday. The soup is good; I made it myself but I was a little bored with said lunch so I figured I would pop down to the cafeteria and grab a slice of pizza. I literally hitched up the pants I bought just last month (happy to be losing wieght; a little frustrated that nothing I have fits - no pleasing me) and headed out. I got down to the cafeteria and there was an enormous man in front of me. I watched him grab two bags of chips, a buttertart, a bottle of coke and a sandwich. I looked at him. I adjusted my pants (again!). I then bought a small whole wheat roll to eat with my soup and came back upstairs to eat my boring lunch.

But I do feel superior even though I didn’t really do anything and don’t know this man (or his situation) from Adam. I can’t tell anybody in real life this because it would be petty. Tomorrow though I may have the pizza and leave someone else feeling superior.

Un Vrai Monsieur

Each month at the children's' school they have an event they call une "Concentration." In effect a school assembly where any child has the opportunity to present themselves (a particular skill or talent) before the assembled school body. Parents are invited to attend. Generally there are a few class presentations and a smattering of children. It lasts about an hour.

Yesterday Sam came home with a note from his teacher informing us that he would be reciting a poem (from memory) at this month's Concentration. Wonderful except the Concentration was this morning. Thanks for the notice. Normally I would move mountains to attend but I need some notice to get my earth-moving equipment in place. I had an important meeting this morning that I could not avoid and while I did all the math in my head to figure out how I could do both it was evident by the time I woke up this morning (yes I thought about this at random moments through the night) that I wouldn't be able to go. This was complicated because Daniel is deep in the doghouse for missing out on a field trip he was supposed to accompany Kamryn on yesterday morning. I know he has a medical appointment this morning that would make his own attendance problematic and I wasn't in the mood to discuss contingencies with him after the field trip fiasco.

Anyway so there I am feeling guilty and I decided to just arm Sam with everything I could and send him off with good wishes and the support of his awesome big sister. I set out a brand new school uniform for him - pants, a turtleneck and a vest. Then he asked if he could wear a tie. He was so excited. I pointed out that to wear a tie he needed to wear a shirt not a turtleneck and went to help him get organized. He then explained to his guilt-wracked mother (with pride in his voice) why he wanted to wear a tie: "je veux porter une cravate, Maman, pour être comme un vrai monsieur qui travail; comme toi Maman." (Translation: I want to wear a tie, Mommy, to be like a real man who works; like you Mommy.)

He melted my heart.

I wish he had a cellphone so I could call my 6 year old and see how it went. I'd ask Daniel but I don't even know if he went because of the whole doghouse thing - communication was poor this morning.

I hope he didn't speak too fast. He has a tendancy to do that; as do I.

I'm frustrated and worried.

Sam. What am I going to do with Sam.

We had a meeting last week with his teacher. Same meeting we have every school year around this time (about a month before 1st quarter report cards are released and formal parent-teacher interviews are held). Sam is #2 in his class academically out of 22 kids. He is reading in the top group. He is approximately 30% ahead of his peers. We know this because he attends a Montessori-like elementary school and he is that far ahead in completed individual work. He is athletically talented. He is social and friendly. He likes to please.

On the other hand: His desk is separated from the other students in the class by a cement wall (the classroom has a small section at the front separated by a wall probably intended for supply cabinets etc.). That is the only way, his teacher explains, that he can get any work done; if not he can’t stay in his chair; can’t work and consistently disturbs the other kids in the class so that they can’t work either. When the class lines up, he lines up separately because if not the teacher constantly has to respond to squabbles in line as he pokes, punches and pushes the other children. He can’t stop talking even when no one is listening. Sometimes he isn’t even using words. I can’t let him play outside unsupervised because there will be conflict with the other children on the street. He’s defiant to the point of his own detriment and he knows this but it is more important to him to get his own way than peacefully back down (avoiding any negative consequences).

Punishment doesn’t work. He NEVER takes responsibility for anything. He lies. He blames another child and if that doesn’t work he blames the punisher (he had to see the principal last week because he challenged his teacher for marking his behaviour for the day as poor). I don’t know when to believe him because he tells the truth so infrequently (and he is such a poor liar). At home and at school I believe he gets punished for things he hasn’t done. To quote his 8 year-old sister (who came up with this explanation completely on her own) – because he always lies the other children blame him for everything since adults never believe him innocent.

Reward doesn’t work. Well it will work once but you MUST escalate the reward or he immediately loses interest and he EXPECTS a reward whenever his behaviour is even remotely appropriate (we’re not talking stickers here people but major rewards like restaurant dining). Praise works but only briefly (less than 2 minutes; he beams and then forgets what behaviour he was just praised for).

He lacks appropriate social skills. While he is friendly and loves to play he doesn’t pick up on social cues at all. He is intensely selfish in the way he plays. Some kids don’t like to share; Dominic only believes in sharing when he is the beneficiary. He bullies. If a child has a toy he wants he will negotiate to get it (and he easily outsmarts his peers). If that doesn’t work he will just take. He sulks – always the persecuted one. In sports, he is generally better than his peers. He will take the ball or puck and simply keep it, playing alone in many ways with the other children as props. He doesn’t understand why at that point no one wants to continue the game. When the children drift away he will follow. The only way for him to understand they don’t want to play with him is when they push or hit him (sometimes he doesn’t even respond to that and laughs manically as if they are just kidding). The teacher gives him a behaviour rating each day of green, yellow, or red. Lately it’s been mostly yellow. The first few weeks of the school year it was consistently red. At the meeting we mentioned the change to her and she told us “oh no I almost never give out red, that's only for very serious offences like those involving intimidation.” She’s forgotten. She’s give him at least 10 this school year. I think of everything I worry about his social ineptitude the most (I can handle his kinetic nature).

He is a tattletale and constantly reports on anything and everything anyone else might do wrong. It gets VERY tiresome at home where I only have to remind him that Maya’s behaviour isn’t his responsibility. I can’t imagine what his teacher must be dealing with (she did mention this problem). At summer camp this summer the camp counsellors nicknamed him “the informer” (wonderful, eh?)

The reason behind last week’s parent conference was to ask us if we’d be willing to meet with the school social worker (I think that is the first step in initiating school-based testing for behavioural/academic problems like ADHD something the school normally doesn’t do until a child is older.).

I think he has ADHD but can’t reconcile his academic success or the fact that if I sit him at a desk and ask him to finish a homework page he can do that quietly and efficiently as long as he is alone in the room. Oh and he can do that for hours. I wonder about Fetal Alcohol Effects but his advanced intelligence suggest this isn't the case. He has had no observable delays and he also has none of the physical characteristics. He just doesn't fit the criteria but what do I know?

We have an appointment with a psychologist on November 8th. Longest two-week wait of my life.

A the hopelessness of it all...

Okay I'm failing in the supermommy department. I'm literally run frazzled. Dominic has missed doing his homework something like 3 times this month. As he reads at a first-grade level that is certainly not his fault. I'm working on letting this go as

1) I'm a working-mom of two who still finds time to maintain a household (however poorly) and volunteer at various activities in support of her children.
2) I started a brand-new (demanding) job less than a month ago and I'm still getting up to speed on an area of the world that I would have been hard-pressed to accurately identify on a map 6 weeks ago.
3) I get almost NO help from my husband who gets home from school past 8 pm four our of five nights a week, regularly disappears for hours at a time on the weekend and gets really grumpy (and thus completely useless) if I encourage him to help me do something family-oriented during non-school hours as he "has to study."
4) Am still recovering from the minor back-injury I sustained 6-weeks ago in an automobile accident.

So ya.... letting things go.

We got a notice home from school that school photos would be taken on the 13th and the 14th of October. Un-hunh. Thanks for narrowing it down. Kamryn came home with a note saying hers would be the 14th. Nothing from Sam (although I expect we're not getting everything we should be getting). There was no school the 12th for the Thanksgiving Day holiday. Sam said nothing about photos. On the 13th after work I rushed home, grabbed the kiddos and rushed to the mall to get Sam a much needed haircut so he would look good for his picture. At the END of his haircut he says to me "oh, we had pictures taken today."

"Wonderful!" I thought, "he wasn't even wearing decent clothes (well they were decent as he wears a uniform but I would have put him in the nicer elements like a button-down shirt had I known). " But we're letting things go remember ...

Yesterday they bring their photos home. Kamryn's for the first time in years are wonderful. Nice smile; nothing goofy. Great! We'll take 6 dozen! And then there are Sam's. His hair looked fine despite being too long. As luck would have it the golf shirt he was wearing looked just fine. In generally a neat well turned out appearance. So far so good, eh? Not so much. His face? He has the most hideous grimace that you can imagine. He is PERFECTLY capable of smiling nicely for a photo; however, why smile nicely for a photo and please your parents when instead you can make all your friends laugh by grimacing wildly. Sigh. I guess it's back to plan B and taking him to the mall after Christmas to get his school photo re-taken. Why would I ever worry about his hair and clothes?

The life of a suit.

So I own this suit. It consists of a chocolate brown pencil skirt and a brown short cropped double breasted jacket with a black velvet collar. It could be described as figure hugging. It’s an old suit. I wore it when Daniel, unexpectedly, proposed in 1997. It was a new suit then (maybe the first time I wore it?) It’s a size 14. That’s the size I wore when I got married. I thought I was happy that size. I thought I looked good. At some point in 1998 the suit got too tight and I stopped wearing it. At some point in 1998 I got frustrated with my size and I joined Weight Watchers. At 5’9” I weighed 197 pounds (I was horrifed!). I lost just over 50 pounds in about 9 months. I dropped from a size 16 (I didn’t own any clothes that were size 16 but I should have) to a size 6. I don’t look good as a size 6 – I look like a heron crane, a sick heron crane. You know how people tell you they are big-boned. Well I am. I wear a 9.5 size glove for instance. I purposefully gained 5 pounds or so and was a comfortable size 8 at about 155 pounds. I had to buy an entirely new wardrobe. I had all my clothes tailored – including the suit. It’s still a size 14 but it has been tailored to fit a size 8 me.

So I kept the weight off for a good while (more than 5 years) but slowly my old habits reasserted themselves and slowly (and then quickly) I gained the weight back. The suit didn’t fit anymore. I hung it in the closet and the velvet collar got dusty. I didn’t give it away like I’d proudly done with many of my “fat” clothes. It mocked me whenever I went into the closet. I didn’t think I would ever wear it again. I cursed myself for getting it tailored. It hung in my closet untouched for 5 years.

This summer when I started dieting I tried it on – ugh! I looked at the little tag that now erroneously read size 14 and shook my head. I couldn’t pull the skit on over my hips. This is AFTER I’d lost at least ten pounds. I wasn’t too upset. I had decided when I started to diet that I wasn’t going back in time… that I was 42… that I didn’t particularly hate my body… that I was fine with being a size 12. I wanted to be a real size 12 though not a size 14 wearing size 12 clothes. That decision meant that all my skinny clothes would likely never be worn again. I was shocked at the quantity of size 8 clothes I had. I began to think about getting rid of them. They were clothes that I couldn’t even put on much less wrestle closed. The suit I thought I would save for nostalgic reasons – like my wedding dress…

Losing weight is funny. I’ve probably lost 25 – 30 pounds. Maybe more (I don’t know what I was when I started). 10 pounds is supposed to represent a size. My measuring stick has been my clothes. First the size 12s started fitting properly. That phase lasted a LONG time. Then they started getting a little loose – again a long time. Then over night NOTHING I own fit anymore. Literally overnight. They fit on Friday and on Saturday I couldn’t cinch my belt any tighter and my pants were still falling off (a little annoying that). I didn’t mean to lose this much. I said I would stop before I got here but I was kind of surprised so it’s not really my fault. My skinny clothes still don’t quite fit but I can wear them (most of them). My “fat” clothes look ridiculous on me. I don’t have anything to wear. I don’t want to shop (well I do but I don’t have any money). I’m now a little addicted to losing. I said I would stop at 169 (my Weight Watchers goal weight) but I passed that on the weekend and 160 looks so close and so easy (at 30, 160 was a good weight for me) so maybe…

It’s time to think about stopping though because today I wore the suit. It fits again – perfectly. It makes me feel skinny.